Oh no! So shocking NED! I am so sorry. I don't have the words.

Good grief, NED, I am so sorry!

What nice things those customers/friends had to say about your dad, NED. He sounds like a lovely person indeed. It's so sad that such a good person was taken away far too soon.

Praying for peace and comfort for your family and all who knew and loved your father.

Lori

Thanks, Lori, markos, cwmi, sw, I appreciate the prayers. We're hanging in there.

I was in the local news this evening, in two stories about the continued search for the person responsible.

http://www.wsvn.com/news/articles/local/21003016698958/

Other story

My divorce went through, I did a name change to my maiden name as part of the paperwork, but didn't file to change my name with Social Security, driver license, passport yet. My Dad was killed, and they haven't found the guy yet, so I feel safer for the time being keeping my married name as my name on the house title, mortgage, and stuff, because all those records are public where I live. Can I leave my name as-is for the time being, or would I need to legally change back to my married name?

Thanks for sharing this NED. My heart breaks for your family.

NED, first off, so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel when it comes out of the blue like that. My sincere condolences to everyone in your family. As we say in my tribe, Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet.

Second, I am not your lawyer, this is just my layman's reaction, and if you want legal advice you should contact a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out the actual legal rules.

That said, I think you can continue to use the old name for a while if that keeps you safer. The person in the office next to me just got married and changed her name. I overheard many of her phone calls trying to get the name confusion straightened out. She had to address each item separately, and in a particular order. I think if you leave your married name at Social Security, you will find everyone else perfectly willing to deal with you under that name. So unless you are planning to apply for SS benefits sometime soon (and at your age I sure hope not), then I don't think you will have any problems.

FWIW, my wife was being stalked when we bought our house here in CT. I bought the house in the name of a trust so we could maintain confidentiality. If anyone ever suggests that you need to get your married name off the title, you can always deed the property to someone else as trustee to maintain your privacy. I needed a mortgage to buy the house, and after dealing with a few questions from the bank, they were willing to allow me to borrow the money and take title in the trust. I can walk you through how that worked if it ever becomes relevant.

Let me know if you need anything else.

I am sorry about your dad...

Thanks guys, for the support. It makes a huge difference having a caring community of family and friends.

I'm glad I can leave the SS as it isfor the time being.

No advances in the investigation looking for the guy who shot my Dad. The kids and I are doing okay.

B and I are settling into a routine with the visitation and stuff. He got a permanent offer with the company he's been doing consulting work for, where he could continue to live here, and go stay out of town 3 days a week. I think they're willing to keep him on as a consultant, and he hasn't accepted the offer yet.

The company would be willing to have him work in their SoCal office, and B was frustrated with me that I am not giving this the consideration he thought I should, moving out there with him, now that he has a firm offer. Because back in the day, before the divorce, I had said if he had a permanent job offer there I would have been willing to move. A better Plan B would have been good here, than to have these conversations when I'm not enthusiastic about it.

I haven't updated in a while, not much new to report. No one has been arrested in my Dad's case. Parenting has gotten somewhat more difficult, which was unexpected because my kids were always very easy, but I guess we were all just stretched to our limits until we fractured to an extent. But nothing that we can't handle. I did a short term Plan B, and it didn't bring reconciliation, but it brought more peace, so I'm grateful. They say Plan A is the reality-bringer, and I agree with that, and I think Plan B helped in that too. I definitely feel in a much better spot than before I got here, when it was a big struggle to find any peace.

So sorry they haven't found the guy who murdered your father. That is so horrible.

I can totally relate to the kids getting harder....my son was always so easy and such a joy. Now, even when I handle him correctly he exhausts me. I do think part of it is him being 11 now.

SW, it started for my OD when she was 11, and she didn't tell us, we didn't know how bad it was until December after this happened with my Dad. I hate to say this but at least your son is obvious, so you knew to get him help. I mistakenly thought my DD was doing great the whole time. I guess she gets that from me, good at pretending to be okay. At least now she's getting help.

**edit**

Ned, it pains me to read this last post. Please reconsider it.

My son has always been very open with me. Still is, discussing girls and biology and how he is feeling. I love him like crazy and I suppose that is why he exhausts me. I've been his only parent (emotionally) for all intents and purposes for 11 years--with the last two being particularly brutal.

If you read my thread, the update, you can see that XH is backing off on his hard nose approach to ds and that is helpig A LOT. Also, XH moving back toward his normal pattern of the absent parent. This is his weekend but he skipped to go on a 4 wheeler ride. Ds is thrilled to get to stay home. Here now with a friend over playing playstation. I asked ds the other day (when he was saying once again that he didn't want to go to his dad's) if it was in his control how much would he want to see his dad. He thought for a while and said twice a week for dinner. He hates to spend the night and he hates going back on Sunday afternoon when the rest of his world is relaxing after services and having fun. Funny because that twice a week for dinner really would translate to what his relationship was with his dad pre-seperation. I can't get all that across to XH though and won't try. I think he has spent the two years since seperation trying to make up (or look good, I don't know) for the previous 9 years that he was so uninvolved.

So we are very much dealing with the fall out. Good news he is slowly bonding with dh and that is good. Dh is a good man who handles his own sons very well...especially with the heartbreak he feels at being seperated from them through no fault of his own. I use his stellar example as a guide to my own behavior. Sometimes he has a difficult time with the lack of relationship between ds and XH...from two standpoints...he lost his own father to death at age 12 and then he lost his boys to divorce. So he is jealous of the opportunity XH and ds have...I've tried to explain to him not all father's (him and his father) are created equal...and we can't force ds to feel for his father what he doesn't feel. That is on XH. He did it.

Sorry to t/j! How old is your dd now? Is she in counseling?

Ned, so sorry to hear about your father. Hard to phathom.

cwmi, thanks for keeping up with me, I appreciate it. I'm not sure what you want me to reconsider, maybe that I'm speculating on others' families, folks I don't know? Let me keep it in the "I" then. I know that it "takes what it takes". But I wish it didn't take that many years of raising my kids in that level of often-daily strife before I was willing to do what it took to follow through my obligation to raise them in a peaceful home. I knew before DD10 was born what she was coming home to. I planned to leave while I was pregnant, because of the low point we had then, but didn't follow through. OD sometimes remarks to me that she wishes we had divorced long ago. I do think about reconciling sometimes anyways, and I guess that's normal, too.

SW, that's tough, dealing with the inconsistencies. I'm glad that your H can identify with your son that way. It puts it in perspective, divorce is sad, but at least they still have each other now, unlike after a death. I don't consider that a t/j, it helps hearing others' experiences.

OD is 15, YD 10. My older one is in counseling now, and goes to a group. She's doing okay now, but I need to keep vigilant, not assume tomorrow that it is a good day for her just because today is.

MJ, thanks for the condolences. I was in shock for a while, and then it really all started to hit me again. I'm grateful to have a big family here, we got together for Easter today.

Ned, I was referring to offering advice to people when you feel:

On their threads, I gave the best advice I could offer to support their marriage. Posted the relevant article, encouraged them to do some things that would make their best time of the week, time with each other. I didn't post to her to get the heck out. She gets enough of that in real life, or he wouldn't be forbidding her to talk to her friend about their issues anymore. Telling folks to get out doesn't make them ready. Trying a program, getting some positive momentum, seeing that a better life is possible, with or without your spouse, that's what helps folks let go if that's what's appropriate.

If you were still in the same spot as when you got here, that same runaway state of conflict I was in when I got here, all that back-stabbing and put your chair here or it's a big knock-down drag-out fight, I'd still think the same way about your situation, cwmi. But it sounds like your family has found a more peaceful life. Every kid deserves that, right? What's the point of being married? Not to make your kids' lives miserable while shortening your own.