Thats why the site is here too Lostm. You are not alone and in time the pain can be processed to protect you and your children. Hang in there.

Hi Lostman101,

I'm so sorry things have progressed to this stage, you did very well putting the olive branch out there for her to find her way home,
Right now she is deep into affair fog, you have to let this play out and let her learn of her mistakes herself............Affairs are fantasy and once everyday reality sets in it's a different story, also affair partners have trust issues because of the way they start up.......won't be long before they start doubting each other.......
All you can do is be a good man and a good Dad, protect yourself financially and in no way let her use any of your $$ to fund this affair...........
You can only control yourself and have faith.........even though we don't know what our path really is in this world we have to believe there is a reason for what happens...........
I will keep my fingers crossed that she comes around and sees the new man you are becoming..........
One day at a time, one hour at a time..........whatever you need to do............

Thanks peeps. I tell you i dont know how people deal with this everyday on this site. I will try to remain a good man and you are right jessi, day by day, hour by hour. I asked yesterday or day before when is she going to wake up out of her fantasy, but its the typical no response. I have often wandered if that crosses either of there minds that they keep building something off of mistrust. One thing is certain and keeps my hope crushed, she has not showed one sign of hope for the last month and a half. I have heard from others that she seems on the fence, but not one bit torwards me or to her family. I do let her know its not to late to even go to a counseling session just for kicks, but she will have no contact with anybody that speaks logic.

Again i keep coming here for support and to grieve. This world is screwed up enough as it is, then throw in a WW and that is the icing on the cake. I'm trying to remain strong.

Why do they want to have contact with anyone who speaks logic? They themselves at this point and time cannot perceive anything logical. They are in La La Land somewhere.

Don't feel bad. My wife has done the exact same thing. There are several of her own relatives she completely has cut off contact with because she knows what they are going to tell her. She only surrounds herself with those that are feeding the monster. If they were able to see things logically, they wouldn't like what they saw because logic would be holding up a mirror in order that they may look at themselves.

One thing that isn't clear is what your plan is.... are you in Plan A or Plan B? It seems like neither? If you are this angry with her maybe you should go no contact until her affair has played itself out. Its the worst with many small children, ITU, and my WH is the only income in our family too so that is super scary. But it seems like a lot of the recent conversations you have posted would not be very productive for reconciliation...

Don't let her filing for D alter YOUR plans. Right now she wants the fantasy divorce, where you give up and become best friends and everything works out just fine. Protect yourself legally and tell her you don't talk divorce, you talk marriage. Direct her to your lawyer.

Divorce takes a very long time. If you have 30 days to respond, use them all. At the same time, start detaching a bit and prepare for the divorce. Let her tell you her view on how the divorce will work, but don't committ to what you want until you are ready. Let her know how destructive and painful the process will be for your family. Im not recommending you fight her, just don't even engage in divorce talk. Make her do all the work for it, but still do your own work without letting her in on your plans.

Keep posting for help and advice. You are not alone here.

I agree, make her do any work it takes for her to move on, when you have contact with her, tell her rebuilding the marriage is what you are willing to talk about......nothing else..........
In the meantime try to just keep yourself busy and detach a little for now........I think you might be ready for Plan B, so you can protect yourself and protect the feelings you still have for her.......
Every day you will get stronger, you will learn to do things again just for you and things that will better your life,
Just concentrate on the kids and don't worry about her choices, let her live that cheating life for a while and watch it fall apart when the real world hits it.......
Be prepared to pick up the pieces........
jessi

thanks all. She is living with om and she is the one pursuing divorce. I try to to maintain as little contact as possible, but that if difficult with 4 boys. I dont talk divorce, i talk about her coming home, but thats typically useless. Im trying to take care of myself and most of my focus is on the kids. i have 2 boys that have birthdays this week. That makes it even harder. We had bought presents last year together for them. Wow what a mess. I will give her a divorce as i feel as im married to om right now. Any trash that comes out of her mouth is the crap he feeds her and i'm getting tired of it. I see very little of her anymore and that is true for the boys as well.

Do you have an attorney or did y'all just agree to the 50/50?

She's abandoned her family, surely that would sway custody a bit more to your side?

Please do whatever you can to minimize the time that OM spends with your kids. Many people put a clause into their divorce agreement that forbids any overnight opposite-sex visitors while the children are there.

Get an intermediary. All contact will go through them. All child exchanges through them.

If you model a "friendly" divorce, she will justify further with the "friendly" divorce as her rationale.

We agreed to 50/50 with me being primary. She wants them 2 nights a week and every other weekend. Her plan was to get a place of her own. Was planing on going to lawyer together. I spoke with him yesterday and he said that when she spoke with him she is wanting out with minimal trouble. She is not planing on taking me for anything other than a small list of things she wants from the house that was mostly stuff that came from her grandparents/childhood. This seems like the best approach does it not? The lawyer told me if she is on this path it would be in my best interest to hurry up and get it done while she is in this mindset. In all honesty, if i was to go to court with the system the way it is, i don't think i can get much better. I don't think it will be very possible to go NC with 4 kiddos involved. That is what is killing me. Why couldn't she just move away for good lol. Why couldn't she get her head straight and come home? I may try a IM but that will be very hard as no one really wants to be in contact with her either.

I would still have the decree include that there can be no overnight visitors when the kids are there.

I'd use her parents as the drop-off place. You drop them off, she picks them up, you never have to see her. Anything that needs to be said can be said in an email.

Don't forget to work out who claims the kids as dependents on tax returns. Is her house in the same school district as yours?

She does not even have a house yet. I really like the idea of no overnight visitors while kids are there. I will talk to lawyer about this. How does that actually work? what if she does remarry? When does that rule no longer apply?

When a marriage license is filed in the courthouse. If you're lucky, you can get it to only apply to her, but I'd imagine the condition would apply to you as well.

My neighbor had this written into his divorce when his wife left him and the kids for her "true lurve". While it's not something that the police would enforce, if the arrangement is broken then it's ammunition that can be used to revise the custody agreement.

Then where are your kids supposed to stay twice a week? What about school?

You need some of the divorce vets to help you out on this and I'd strongly suggest that you hire your own attorney instead of sharing one with your wife.

I dont want to press that issue as she is not seeking management money or child support and truthfully i cannot afford to do that. She was supposed to be seeking a house when some money from her new job started coming in. Remember she has been a stay at home mom for the last 9 years with me being the sole provider.

I see your point. Probably, barring some physical or chemical abuse, 50/50 is what most courts would want to do anyways.

Just for a little CYA, though, it wouldn't hurt to get a free consultation (if available) with another attorney. There may be something that you're not thinking of.

Ill think on that. I definitely will if things start to get shady.

Lost,

Northwood put a flare up in the Divorce forum for you. I'm reading your story right now, but have an appointment.

If you're solidly moving in Plan D, you can either start a new thread in the D forum, or get this thread moved over there by clicking the 'notify' button and asking a moderator to move it.

It gets better. Slowly, but surely, it gets better. Take care of those kids! They need a rock right now, and waytards don't cut it...

Just as the good folks over here in SAA have taken care of ya, we D folks can do the same.

Thanks i may have it moved. You actually had me laughing out loud at "Waytards"

You got to try to enjoy the little things as much as you can.