Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
#2494512 04/02/11 07:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
I have known this board was here for a long time but was not ready to investigate it because I was dealing with my wXw's activities, trying to save my marriage on the SAA board, then dealing with the Divorce, and then for the past several months dating. I knew I would get here eventually because my wXw's first affair yielded a beautiful OC, my D9, who is and was the light of my life the minute she was born. I have had some questions and knew I could get answers here, when I was ready to post. However, I had many questions answered from just reading a few threads. The camaraderie on this board is something I've never knew was possible and it has been difficult at times carrying a little "secret" around in the community ("does she look like me enough?" "do people wonder?"). Only close family were made aware of the situation at first and since then it's been assumed that all is kosher. [My son was only 5 when she was born and he has made comments in the past as he's extremely observant and intelligent, but I was always able to blow it off].

At this stage I'm really not looking for advice. D9 is beautiful, smart, happy, and very much MY daughter. She has been subject to a sad divorce with her Mother having an emotional affair (at least) and then the separation (one year today), and now learning how to manage with divorced parents. Both kids have now been seeing an entirely new me as MB has taught me so much and I've eliminated many LB-type behaviors and learned to love in a much more effective, patient way. Things are going fine and I'm not ready to change anything.

However, as I was reading threads I noted that there are folks here new to the OC situation. It breaks my heart to think of it and what I went through those first few months after d-day: "I had sex with OM and I'm pregnant." 10 years later I have a life most wouldn't sign up for but I feel I've made the most of it, even before discovering MB a couple years ago. If I had stumbled on this site then, who knows, I may still be raising my kids in a 2 parent household...

I don't believe the details of my situation are that important. I have always thought the story would make a good Lifetime Movie. Even though we're D'd it might still. Mostly owing to the exceptional character of both my kids; how they've thrived even in the environment of two parents making really bad choices.

Synopsis: 5 years after we married, SF was a huge problem. wXw had been raped as a teenager and this compounded other issues (this is her assessment) to the point that she has serious sexual dysfunction. We tried to work on it with counsellors and other things. Ultimately it kept coming back to me "you're the sick one, nobody really has sex that much after they're married"....). Finally I talked this over with a priest and I remember walking out of there thinking "I'm going to have to get a divorce or get what I need on the side." Adultery seemed like the lesser of two evils.

So I opened myself up to the devil and he paid me in full. A year later I was involved with an EA with a co-worker. Problem was that WW was seeking her needs outside the marriage as well - she probably sensed my emotional detachment. Well she beat me to the punch and started having sex with the guy (she to this day insists it was only 1 time but I never believe a wayward). She got pregnant literally on her birthday, Oct 27 ~ try that for an anniversary. Around Thanksgiving was D-day. I did what most guys do and flew the coop. But my dad encouraged me to go back and try to work it out. I decided to make the best of it and keep my family intact, as much for the sake of DS5 as anything. And WW was extremely remorseful, to her credit. We actually managed to establish no contact on our own, not knowing anything of MB. I had OM fired from his job (his boss was my Father in Law).

Unfortunately, in the process of me confronting him with my fists, I let it slip that he had got ww pregnant. I also busted my hand. The only physical confrontation I've ever had as an adult. I proceeded to have a lawyer write up a No Contact agreement which is air-tight. OM signed it, miraculously. He isn't allowed any where near my DD until she's 18. I essentially "adopted" her although it is already assumed she's mine on the birth certificate.

I do give wXw credit for her behavior after D-day. She actually employed some Harley strategies and tried to make up for the wrongs - she let me say whatever was on my mind, and she did whatever she could to make me feel better. It seemed like we were going to get over this thing.

My EA ended with all this and by some miracle, OW quit working there. I had embraced the conviction to stay married, for the kids and hopefully things would also get better for me/us. I also felt strongly that if I D'd her she would abort the baby. I don't believe in abortion. I feel strongly that I saved DD's life with the decision to stay married.

The pregnancy had the added feature of genetic tests revealing an extra 14th chromosome - rendering a possibility of anything from complete vegetable-like state, to absolutely no defects what-so-ever. We stuck with the plan and prayed. A lot.

After the birth of this perfect child, [I'll never forget how alert and beautiful she was], I was still hurting inside. My physical needs were still not being met. There were only more excuses ("I'm pregnant, I'm tired, stressed, fatigued," "new baby"....) Many months passed and it looked like I was simply out of luck when it came to SF. But she had no problem having sex with OM, so my waywardness took on a new element: Revenge. I had multiple EA's (meeting women at various single environments, parties) and PA's (making out), until finally I started a sexual relationship with a co-worker about 10 years ago (DD was <1). It lasted 2-3 weeks at which point, miraculously several things happened. 9/11 changed our priorities and she also quit and moved away. Natural No Contact. She later quit drinking and called to say I was a big mistake in her life (duh) and haven't heard from her since. WxW never knew of any of this until, during her exposure of most recent affair - I couldn't expose in good conscience without coming clean (a sentiment severely beat into me by some good folks on the SAA board). I never had another full blown affair after that. It was too much trouble, too much sneaking around for my tastes. I flirted here and there and my boundaries were bad, but never pursued anything. I lived in a primarily sexless marriage for another 7 years until wXw began an affair with the neighbor. 7/4/09 Me: "are you in love with him?" ww: "I don't know." That ended (mostly) and then she started a similar relationship with the across the street neighbor - long time friend, but I didn't like it, she refused to back off on the relationship. She refused to acknowledge a problem. She refused to put any effort into making a marriage we both wanted. She had a conversation with Steve to no avail, refused further. Finally I could see that she would never be committed to this marriage. It wasn't a situation I wanted my kids to be exposed to any more. Jan 22, 2010 we went to mediation.

D9 is the light of my life. She is an absolute delight. She is smart, funny, vivacious, creative and bright. She has lots of friends and the teachers love her. We've bonded a lot and she has no doubt who her true Dad is. Sometimes I wonder if I could love another daughter this much, even with shared genetic information.

So I have this to say to anyone new to the OC world. Be glad you have discovered MB. Whether you save your marriage or not, the principles here apply to creating and/or maintaining an environment very conducive to raising kids. I had a lot of IB, DJ's, and AO's before MB. That was my contribution to the sexless marriage. It was also my contribution to not being the best Father I could be. Just eliminating those behaviors in the last 2 years has affected my relationship with my kids 100%. They trust me more and there's so much less drama around here.

Also, Melody Lane said to someone that if you don't apply these principles to your life and try to recover from infidelity on your own (like we did), you will only be "limping along" in a state resembling that pre-affair marraige. She described 7 years of my life in one sentence.

~optimism


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Wow!
Thank you for being so open and honest.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Great story, my friend. Thanks for posting it. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Optimism,

That is quite a good story you've seemed to touch every topic without being tedious.

At some time in the future do you intend to tell DD about her OC status?

Being an OC myself, I get what you are saying about you don't know if you could love a biological daughter as much as you love OC.

My adoptive parents were quite loving with me, and my adoptive extended family were as well. I sometimes wonder if it is because I am not related to them that they accepted me more. Perhaps they felt no anixiety about the performance of their DNA, had no skin in the game.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 04/03/11 12:12 PM.
Gamma #2495040 04/05/11 06:21 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
Originally Posted by Gamma
Optimism,

That is quite a good story you've seemed to touch every topic without being tedious.

At some time in the future do you intend to tell DD about her OC status?

Being an OC myself, I get what you are saying about you don't know if you could love a biological daughter as much as you love OC.

My adoptive parents were quite loving with me, and my adoptive extended family were as well. I sometimes wonder if it is because I am not related to them that they accepted me more. Perhaps they felt no anixiety about the performance of their DNA, had no skin in the game.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks Gamma.
Your post to me illustrates exactly why folks who have not lived the OC experience have little to offer as far as advice or direction or counsel, or opinions when it comes to these situations. There's no possible way to wrap your head around that statement in blue without some first hand knowledge. I'm not sure if it describes my sentiment for D9 or not, I never really thought of it that way. I always just felt like for some reason she deserved as much love as I could possibly muster. Shortly after she was born I read of an ancient Chinese belief that goes like this "If you save someone's life, you are responsible for them." That hit me at a timely moment and I've adopted it as truth. She is why I stayed in a primarily unsatisfying marriage for so long after she was born (I figured the least I could do was to let her grow up in a two parent household). She is also why I threw in the towel - it would have been cruel to let her continue to see a relationship where one marriage partner was abusing the other at will.

I finally came to this board with trepidation to get some answers about revealing the source of D9's genetic information to her. When, how, why...? I wondered if Dr. Harley had a specific principle to apply. After reading several threads I realize there is not necessarily perfect answers and every situation is certainly different.

opt



Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
Gamma #2495369 04/06/11 10:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by Gamma
I sometimes wonder if it is because I am not related to them that they accepted me more. Perhaps they felt no anixiety about the performance of their DNA, had no skin in the game.

Forget about DNA.
As an adoptive mother of 2 children, I will tell you that you are loved for being who you are.

You are just wrong/incorrect and making an issue where none exists.

I am sure you are/were deeply loved because you are their child.
kiss

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Gamma
I sometimes wonder if it is because I am not related to them that they accepted me more. Perhaps they felt no anixiety about the performance of their DNA, had no skin in the game.

Forget about DNA.
As an adoptive mother of 2 children, I will tell you that you are loved for being who you are.

You are just wrong/incorrect and making an issue where none exists.

I am sure you are/were deeply loved because you are their child.
kiss

I know this is true of a niece of mine who was adopted by my brother when she was 2. I literally FORGET that she doesn't share our DNA. My Mom does too...I remember when my mom was discussing her breast cancer with her doctor...she asked her if her granddaughter would be at increased risk. LOL. Then she glanced at me and shook her head as if to clear the cobwebs....um, yeah mom...I forget sometimes too.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 266
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 266
In my case my BH does not see our OC as anything but his flesh and blood. After all, she IS a lot like him! Optimism, you are right that it is an individual decision on how and when to tell. Back before DNA could be determined no one asked, no one told. Now we feel like because we can figure it out it's suddenly important? No, what's important is relationships, not genetic makeup. And keep it simple if/when you do share, because the information doesn't change anything. You're the dad, and you always will be.

Does your ExW plan to ever introduce OC to bio-D? Is he out of the picture for good?


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
Thanks WH,
Between her and me there is nothing that could change our bond. I know that. Sometimes I wonder about how her brother will take the news. And then what if folks in this small community knew - would that change my daughter's perception of herself in with her peers, etc.
These are questions wrapped up in the question of when/how/if to give D9 the story. It won't be any time real soon if at al because I want to be sure and I just haven't had time to devote to figuring out what to do. I'll read more/post more/read more before I do anything.

As for Bio-D, he signed a legal document agreeing not to go anywhere near her until she's at least 18. I did bring up the subject with wXw during the custody discussions in mediation and she claims she has no interest in reconnecting with him. Things would get real ugly real quick if she did; she knows that~ for someone with the loose behavior she has had in the past, she's extremely conscientious about her image... crazy

opt



Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 266
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 266
I don't know why bio-D would ever want to drop into the picture after 18 years of not knowing DD. There seems no point in it. Especially since you could potentially sue for criminal conversation and emotional damages regarding his role in breaking up your M and possibly even get back child support. If he's never in the picture, is there any reason to say anything? I just don't know if there's really a right or wrong answer to that.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by wanthealing
I don't know why bio-D would ever want to drop into the picture after 18 years of not knowing DD. There seems no point in it. Especially since you could potentially sue for criminal conversation and emotional damages regarding his role in breaking up your M and possibly even get back child support. If he's never in the picture, is there any reason to say anything? I just don't know if there's really a right or wrong answer to that.

I believe everyone has the right to know their biological roots. Not sure of when the best time to tell is though. In this situation where Opt is now divorced, I would worry constantly that WxW would tell the dd. Or some other member of the family. Someone always knows. Someone's kid always overhears and adult conversation. I would avoid at all costs the child finding out from anyone else except me.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
Originally Posted by wanthealing
I don't know why bio-D would ever want to drop into the picture after 18 years of not knowing DD. There seems no point in it. Especially since you could potentially sue for criminal conversation and emotional damages regarding his role in breaking up your M and possibly even get back child support. If he's never in the picture, is there any reason to say anything? I just don't know if there's really a right or wrong answer to that.
That's right WH, and we're still 9 more years away from that. It's a little crazy the things that go through your head when you're in this position. Once your wife gets pregnant on her birthday with some POS, you start feeling like absolutely anything is possible. Once she went wayward with one neightbor and then the other, Bio-D didn't seem like that much of a stretch.
But more to your question: I think the answer is ultimately individual and must take into acocunt a multitude of factors related specifically to the people involved.
For now, she's a remarkably happy little girl who excels in school and has a great sense of humor. I don't see any reason to mess with that.

opt

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Optimism,

These choices are not easy really,it is also a matter of who you lie to, and who is forced to keep a secret/lie.

If your parents know but OC does not what a burden on your parents, if OC knows but not your parents what a burden on OC,
and etc for all cases.

If you don't tell OC then someday she may resent you when it comes out in some way. I was not too happy to find out
that my biological mother was dying and nothing was said to me. This is one difficult thing to contemplate, but OM might
call out to OC as my bio-Mother did. I also was not too happy that I did not get to meet my Grandmother who died about a
year before I put it all together.

There was also a sense I had of being in a real life "Truman Show" where everyone knew my situation but me. Scandal
spreads quietly, as many people from my early life knew the story and kept mum about it as has come out.

I suspect you may fear being found out, my adoptive Mother and Father both had it and when I eventually tracked down
much of my biological family they were visibly relieved. They no longer had to hold back the secrets they held for so
long, my adoptive Mother was in her 80s and looked as if a thorn had been removed when I told her all I had found out.

There is another Chinese saying...roughly "a lie is like a piece of paper covering a flame".

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 04/15/11 04:11 PM.
Gamma #2501018 04/22/11 07:26 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
Optimism - I'm on the other side of Gamma. I found out when I was 26-27. I witnessed the affair, but didn't know that my mother believed I was OM's bio daughter. I'm absolutely certain it would have devastated me far worse to find out when I was an insecure child or teenager.

Stay close to your daughter. Be a good father, the very best you can be. I didn't have a good relationship with my father and wished for a different dad frequently so my mother's revelation during those times would have absolutely wiped me out, made me more angry, rebellious and self-destructive. I absolutely know from the bottom of my heart how this news would have destroyed me had it come into my life any earlier. It hurt badly as it was; I hardly spoke to my mother for 3 years after that.

As long as you provide her a confident secure father-daughter relationship, you will know when the right time to tell her will be. You will be able to protect her more than if you just blurt it out because someone on the internet said you should.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
Thanks folks, I really appreciate that people care enough to take their time and give me their feelings on this matter. There really is so little support or reasonable source that I'm aware of for this specific situation. And as Gamma says there certainly are no easy answers. I was hoping for more of a formula or instruction manual~ one of the reasons I think MB has been a blessing for me is that the concepts generally are universal but specific to a successful marriage. Meet your spouses' needs and don't lovebust... that type of thing. There is apparently no formula for the insanity of having your wife get pregnant with another man's baby. We're all just trying to help each other cope.

I don't intent to blurt anything out and I most certainly will keep my daughter close to me. I don't believe I've ever lied to her- she IS my daughter. The subject of her chromosomes has not come up.

As for the burdens being carried. I appreciate what you're saying Gamma. I never thought of it that way. What it comes down to for me is that my family are all I'm concerned about. My folks made her possible with their support - they love her dearly and I don't know that they feel any burden, she is their grandchild, end of story. However, I will ask my mother about this at some point. I believe my wexw bears a burden in that a somewhat nebulous affair (PA never confirmed) broke our marriage. Now, if and when D finds out there is a PA in her past, that changes the nature of the divorce -- she has a burden and frankly I don't care, it is the consequences of her actions. Her family didn't support me during Plan A and trying to save my marriage; I haven't spoken with any of them since at least 6 months prior to the D being final. I couldn't care less what kind of burden they bear.

I also think her sense of self-worth is very strong. She is well-nurtured. Even though I couldn't keep my marriage together, she has an abundance of love from me and her mother. And her brother adores her too, even if there is sibling rivalry at times.

Sorry if I ramble, but I do appreciate people's points of view. I will read more, perhaps be of some assistance to folks here if I can. In the meantime I will continue to be the best Father I can be. I'll also pray on it.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Optimism,

I don't believe I've ever lied to her- she IS my daughter. The subject of her chromosomes has not come up.

Good policy, try not to think that she is too young for the truth, I still recall with great vividness the lie I was told about my parents being killed in a car crash, many years before they actually did.

I do agree with you that the one person who may spill the beans is your WWex who may underestimate DDs intelligence and give some facile story about the circumstances of the divorce, something silly to make herself sound heroic or virtuous.

God Bless
Gamma


Gamma #2502131 04/26/11 10:50 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
1. Being adopted, is not the same as being the product of your mothers affair. I can only hope that OM and his family have expired before OC finds out who her genetic donor was.

2. Opt, I cant tell you when or if to tell, but I can tell you that WXW is likely to take that decision from you. But I would not worry to much about it in the long run.

Let me tell you a little story about my 15yr old niece.

She is an OC, and everyone knows it. Her mother (Idiot) was already pregnant (Uknowingly) when she got "together" with my nieces dad.

She has two sisters, both of which are obviously genetically her dads. You can line all three of them up and play a real easy game of "One of these things is not like the others"

Her Mother (Idiot) and Dad (Deadbeat) got a divorce when she was about 8. After another failed marriage her mother (Idiot) reconnected with my nieces "genetic donor" and made the intelligent discussion to start dating him again. My Niece was about 12 at this time.

Well there Mother (idiot) and the genetic donor (looser) decide to "Ease" my niece into understanding that this guy is her "Real Dad"

Understand, everyone except the three nieces know this guy is her genetic donor, it's obvious.

My Nieces response

Uhhh.... yea,... how about No!!

Of course her Mothers (Idiot) relationship with Genetic Donor (Looser) did not last, but they keep in touch (Random SF encounters when he breezes through town)

She is now 15 and refuses to accept (Notice I did not say believe) that this guy is her father. She has no interest in ever seeing him again, or his kids, or any of his family. To her he is just a guy her mom dated before and after her Dad (Deadbeat)

Her and her dad have a horrible relationship, but she still feels this way. I could not imagine how much more strongly she would feel if her and her dad did have a good relationship.


Just something to think about.

Last edited by Gack1; 04/27/11 08:53 AM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
Gack1 #2502323 04/26/11 07:03 PM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by Gack1
1. Being adopted, is not the same as being the product of your mothers affair. I can only hope that OM and his family have expired before OC finds out who her genetic donor was.

2. Opt, I cant tell you when or if to tell, but I can tell you that WXW is likely to take that decision from you. But I would not worry to much about it in the long run

This is key. Being the product of your mother's affair is VERY different from being adopted. Sooooo many more varibles! However, I still believe in Truth! And I think Opt does too....I certainly don't believe he has yet (or ever will!!) lie to his dd. If WXW ever tells her before Opt can then Opt will just have to deal with that. She just needs to know that she is loved and that Opt would have told her when she was of age.

I sure feel for you all. But she is one lucky girl. Her mother is an idiot.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
I can't tell you all how much I appreciate all of you offering your time and sentiments to help me relate to all this. Even if nothing changes in the near future, the support has helped me grasp that we are simply talking about real life and I'm not the only one in this situation (or something similar). I feel somehow closer to my daughter knowing that we share something rare but not freakishly rare~ I'm thankful that I've been able to be a good Father to this wonderful little soul.

I have to clarify the thread. I must have said something misleading above, but I strongly believe that my wxw will be the last one to inform D9 of any of this. She has a tendency (and always did) of manipulating the truth. Lots of half-truths, disguised truths, white lies, glossed-over feelings, cleverly avoided subjects, and mental gymnastics during our marriage and divorce has apparently taught her nothing because I still see signs of it in the very limited interactions I have with her. We had a discussion just prior to the D being final and she indicated she felt it best NEVER to tell her. Doing so also would also shed a new light on the divorce, which I think wxw would rather avoid.

Gack, thanks for the story. It helps a lot. SW is right - I certainly do value truth, now more than ever. I'm still very conflicted about this particular truth however. There are so many concerns, not the least of which is that I don't want anything to change at this stage; we have a great bond and I wonder if this would have an affect on that. Or would waiting be worse? What about her brother? Does he have a right to know? What do I say if she asks - I think they study genetics in 5th or 6th grade. She has hazel eyes - mine and wxw's are brown. Maybe something in my heart is telling me that her mother should be the one to tell her...

I need to pray more on it.

opt

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Opt,

I always had an awareness that I was adopted, my adoptive parents made that point clear, the circumstances they lied about.

This made it easier to transition to finding out I was an OC and handle the ugly details of the circumstances of my birth and the subsequent devastation of the family I was adopted out of.

You may have to deal with a school assignment to trace out OCs family tree, I felt some twinge of guilt when I did that with my kids. My kids also look nothing like the ethnicity of their last name.

Heck I'm not sure what last name to use my latest thought is just to hyphenate all my 4 last names together, similar to the practice in some Spanish countries.

God Bless
Gamma

Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 127 guests, and 48 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5