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My wife and I have been married for nearly ten years and how two beautiful daughters six and three. Everything has always been pretty much normal and we hardly ever fight which sometimes can actually be a problem. Anyway, recently two situations have taken place that have things kind of up in the air. A few weeks ago my wife told me that she has been unhappy for a little while and feels we should go see a counsler about things. I was a little surprised at first after thinking it over I felt like we had let ourselves get into a little bit of routine. This caused less time for each other, doing our own thing around the house during the evening, and overall somewhat of a loss of our connection. That being said another scenerio has played out that has certainly not helped matters at all.

My wife and I have always never minded when one of use goes out without the other. It's a freedom that is needed from time to time. One Friday night (before we had the counsler convo) she went out with coworkers and did text me periodically to make sure everything was ok. At around 11:30PM she texts me to say she will be leaving soon to head home. I must of dozed off that some point and when I got up at around 1:15AM I saw that she wasn't home yet. I texted her and she ended up getting in around 1:30AM or so. We have never had times to come home but I was a little annoyed that she tells me at 11:30PM that she was leaving soon and then comes home two hours later. Really not what a wife should be doing and more the actions of a teenager hoping their parents will not know when they actually got in the night before.

Fast forward to Sunday April 17th as my wife who works in a school was heading into her week of spring break. That Sunday she wasn't feeling all that well in the morning but she got over it and we spent the day with the kids at her mothers. At some point she mentioned that some of her female coworkers were getting together that evening and would I mind if she goes. I was a little annoyed because she wasn't feeling all that well and I ended up dealing with the kids most of the time that day. Anyway, after we get some she ends up going out and arrived home around 11:30PM or so. I really found it to be no necessary and told her about it when she got home. Not to mention it was starting to make me a little suspicious. I also told her I didn't think these were the actions of a married women but of a single one. That afternoon she lets me know that she was taking my six year old to meeting some friends and their kids at Chuck E Cheese. The younger one was in daycare as it was open and hell we pay for it.

That Wednesday we talked about things at greater lenghts and I discovered that Sunday's get together was guys and gals. She then went out again that Thursday with a planned event with coworkers and again arrived home around 11:30PM. Early the following morning with my suspicions at a high level I headed down stars and took a look at her phone. I find some texts with one of her good girlfriends and in it I see where she's asked if she has been going with others or only him. My reaction was waking her up and asking her what in the hell it was all about. This is when I learn that she had meant a make coworker friend and his kids that day at Chuck E Cheese.

That Saturday I check the cell phone bill online and for the last month or so I see a huge number of texts between them all day everyday. I ask about it and get told they're really good friends and that's all. I then find out that of course he has been at most of these coworker outings. She then says did you notice that the texts slowed down. I said yes and asked why. She said it's because they both realized it wasn't appropriate and by the way his wife had said something about it as well. This mad me mad because I said bs it wasn't because you both realized anything but because his wife saw this before I did and said something to him. She assures me nothing physical has every occured and that they are just friends. I told her that at the very least this was an emotional affair and I feel very betrayed. Not to mention there was lying going on when I asked for example who was at certain things.

After all of that I come to find out she met him and his kids again the next day with my daughter. Now I see where while being off she might of thought this would be fun for my daughter but after knowing how I felt she went again. She said she didn't tell me because she knew I was upset and didn't want to put me over the edge. At this point as far as I can see there was been not text or phone contact. I can't be 100% without using a keylogger to see what might be going on via email or Facebook. She agrees she knows what this all looks like but insists nothing has ever happened and she has no feelings for him. We both agree we love each other but have things to work out so we can be happy. Will I ever be able to be 100% sure so we can get over whatever rut we're in and get back to where we are both happy.

Last edited by talkintime; 04/28/11 12:10 PM.
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Sorry you are here TnT,

I wouldn't believe a word she says. You caught her, red-handed.

The texts might have gone down because they are together in person. (just at the same place i meant)

I would snoop snoop snoop.

This has ALL the classic signs of a EA/PA.

You need to contact the OM's wife and compare notes ASAP.

If you wife is telling you the truth, OM's wife will know what you are talking about.

If OM's wife doesnt know WTH you are talking about, your wife lied to you.

Its been my experience tho, that once a wife/husband starts down the path of being a wayward, its almost always "just friends".

"he said she didn't tell me because she knew I was upset and didn't want to put me over the edge."

I was told this

She agrees she knows what this all looks like but insists nothing has ever happened and she has no feelings for him.

You ever see those movies where the spouse gets caught in the middle of %$^$ing and says "its not what it looks like"??

Its a defense mechanism. You need to find out the truth promto.





FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
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There is a snooping thread ill link to later if someone doesn't do it for you.

You need to get to the root of this thing and kill any EA/PA before it starts to bloom.

If you cant afford a keylogger there might be other options


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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Once again, I must pull out "NeverGuessed's BH Repair Kit"

1 - Get ahold of her phone and make copies of the dates and times of all the recent texts to OM (Unless she's incredibly stupid, she's already erased them. Too bad)
2 - Download "Flexipsy" to that phone.
3 - Get a few voice-activated recorders. Hide one in her car, and one in the room in your home she'd most likely take a "private" call.
4 - Put a keylogger on every computer she would have use of, that you can get access to.
5 - Do NOT bring up your suspicions again. You want her comfortable and careless.
6 - Put a GPS sending device on her car. Record every place she goes.
7 - Get a mini-recorder and keep it with you, and "on" whenever you're in her company.
8 - Prepare yourself to learn that she's already had physical relations with this dirtbag.
9 - Put together an e-mail list of all her friends (real life, facebook, etc) and family, (Sisters are really good.), clergy, administration at work, etc. Do the same for scuzzball.
10 - Research the laws of infidelity and divorce in your state.
11 - Understand that she no longer loves you, as of today. She loves him, and is ALMOST willing to risk her current life to be with him.
12 - Know that NOTHING she tells you will be the truth from here on out.

Okay, stop reading now, and get busy doing these things. You should be able to have them all finished by, say, Monday.

She's a teacher? Too bad. (Mine was too.) Between union team-building and the us-against-them mentality at the workplace, public schools are perfect breeding grounds for EA-to-PA issues.

Are you ready to be mean (approaching barbarian) in defending your marriage? Almost no men are. I was. I destroyed my wife's affair by threatening her life, her OM's youngest child's life, and the happiness of all family members involved, and ended the affair in TWO HOURS. (Probably a bit extreme, but compared to the usual Casper Milquetoast attitudes we get here - and your story has elements in that manner - it got the job done.)

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Thank you for the replys already. At this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to repair whatever has gone wrong in the marriage and make sure whatever this was with the guy is done with. We're going to start counseling and I have told her this all of these issues are going to be brought up and discussed further. I don't think anyone wants to be a snoop but I'm definately going to do the keylogger thing because at the very least I need to keep tabs on what is currently going on or being discussed. Besides being in the same school I told her no more contact that isn't 100% necessary. I actually kick myself a little bit for my initial reaction before finding all the evidence that I could. I mean is it possible this was really nothing? At the very least I told her this was the start of a very dangerous path to go down. Even if she thought things in her own mind guy is having that much contact without one thing always on his mind. As for any threats I have told her I will contact him and his wife if I suspect one more thing. It might be best to contact his wife anyway.

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Good luck, Casper. I'm sure the counsellor will be a big help.

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you bet, milk toast it is!!

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You're right. Holding a knife to somebody's throat is the better way to go.

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It's an expression for being prepared in everything you do. But you're correct, I should not have gone over your head. Sorry

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I hear you but all I'm saying is when somebody like the previous poster talks about threatening lives that isn't the answer. The relationship is over at that point whether you believe it or not so why go there?

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oh dear, would it be possible to break that post up into paragraphs so folks can read it?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My FWW said the same thing: we're just friends. But "just friends" ended up being a 5 month sexual affair where her and the OM were going to both get divorced to be together.

Get used to the idea that being a "snoop" is the best thing you can do for your M. Tipping her off about your suspicions before knowing exactly what is going on gives your W and the OM a chance to drive it underground. It happened to me.

I would be on the phone with the OMW right now to compare notes. This is primarily how I killed my wife's A.

We went to counseling too, and guess what happened? She lied about the A. Marriage counseling was worthless.

Last edited by Wisertoday; 04/28/11 11:59 AM.

Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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The "just a friend" thing is almost certainly a lie.

If it was "just a friend", she would NOT have been hiding her actions from you and lying about them as well.

I suggest the first point of contact should be the OMW, to confirm the story. Likely she's received a slightly, if not greatly, different story.

C is usually useless at this point, unless the MC knows how to deal with As. Most don't. And guess what - if you WW is lying to you (as she most likely is), she's going to lie to the MC as well.

NG gave you a good list of ideas to work with. In summary: Gather Evidence->Expose Affair->Plan A->Plan B (if necessary).


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Do you have a way to contact OM's wife?
How soon can you do it?




FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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Yes, I edited the post so hopefully easier to read.

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Originally Posted by talkintime
She said it's because they both realized it wasn't appropriate and by the way his wife had said something about it as well. This mad me mad because I said bs it wasn't because you both realized anything but because his wife saw this before I did and said something to him.

talkintime, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would strongly suggest that you get ahold of the OM's wife and compare notes with her. She may know more than you and might be able to share information that would give you a complete picture. I agree with the others that you need to do some serious snooping. Put flexispy or mobilestealth on her phone, a GPS on her car and a keylogger on her computer. If this hasn't gone PA yet, it sounds like it is headed that way.

Another huge flag I see here is that your wife goes out without you. That is just an invitation to an affair when couples lead separate leisure lifestyles. You can see it has not helped your marriage in any way. And I wonder who these hens are your wife associates with? Do these women KNOW about her relationship with the OM? If they do, then they are NOT FRIENDS, they are enemies to your marriage.

And lastly, I would be very careful about going to "counseling." Most marriage counselors are destructive to marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages.

We have had marriages destroyed because they went to counseling. And let me explain why. When a spouse is in an affair, they are fogged out in an adultery "high." Since MC's know nothing about infidelty or how to save marriages, they help the wayward spouse make permanent decisions based on a very temporary state of mind. For example, if your wife goes in there and tells your average MC that she "loves you but is not in love with you," the MC would help her facilitate a separation. That would be a disaster, especially when the solution is to bust up the affair and take steps to recover your marriage.

My suggestion to you would be to find out if this counselor is pro-marriage [most aren't] and if they use a directive approach. Ask if they are familiar with Marriage Builders. MB has a 90% success rate amongst the couples who use it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by talkintime
Yes, I edited the post so hopefully easier to read.

Thanks!! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by talkintime
I hear you but all I'm saying is when somebody like the previous poster talks about threatening lives that isn't the answer. The relationship is over at that point whether you believe it or not so why go there?

And yet..........it WORKED!

Scary, high-risk, desperation-driven, prone to disastrous consequences............BUT IT WORKED.

It worked because by those awful threats, my WW realized that the consequences of her future cheating actions would be catastrophic. She also realized that for me, the most republican-registered, law-and-order-observing, paints-between-the-lines person she knew, to resort/descend to that level of anti-social behavior, she had disastrously miscalculated the depth of my feelings for her and our marriage.

I AM NOT ACTIVELY SOLICITING FOLKS TO COPY MY ACTIONS - SITTING IN JAIL WAS NO FUN! But moving toward that end-point of radical action (as opposed to "We're going to see a counsellor" or "I'd like you to kindly stop seeing POSOM") might have value.

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NeverGuessed you're cool with me. I appreciate the responses and any insight and help you or anyone else gives.

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Have you done any research on the OM's FB or your wife's FB account?
Do you have any of her passwords?


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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