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Talk, you're getting great advice from NG, ML, and MiM. I wanted to add something that I've observed around here.

We get BH's (betrayed husbands) showing up here all the time. Many times they will say they caught/confronted their WW (wayward wife), she says she's just friends with the OM (other man), but will cut down on the contact. The BH says his WW loves him and they are going to counseling.

Posters spend a lot of time typing out advice to the BH on how and why to snoop, how and why to expose, how and why to act with the WW. Many times the BH will refuse that advice, not wanting to snoop because it's an invasion of privacy, not wanting to expose because it seems vindictive, and thinking that marital counseling is a cure-all.

If those BH's come back at all after weeks or months, the affair is still going on and has intensified - an EA has gone PA, they are sneaking off for weekends together, and so on. The WW has lost respect for the BH because he wouldn't put his foot down and let her get away with having an A. Emboldened by his lack of action, the WW will push the BH to move out, and the BH will usually sheepishly comply.

The BH comes back to MB wishing he'd taken the advice he was given. Breaking up the A at this point is much more difficult and even saving the marriage may not be possible.

Will you listen to people who have been there and done that? To people who see this kind of thing every day?

Or will you be back in a few weeks wishing you'd listened today?


Me - 44
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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Originally Posted by talkintime
I hear you but all I'm saying is when somebody like the previous poster talks about threatening lives that isn't the answer. The relationship is over at that point whether you believe it or not so why go there?

And yet..........it WORKED!

Scary, high-risk, desperation-driven, prone to disastrous consequences............BUT IT WORKED.

It worked because by those awful threats, my WW realized that the consequences of her future cheating actions would be catastrophic. She also realized that for me, the most republican-registered, law-and-order-observing, paints-between-the-lines person she knew, to resort/descend to that level of anti-social behavior, she had disastrously miscalculated the depth of my feelings for her and our marriage.

I AM NOT ACTIVELY SOLICITING FOLKS TO COPY MY ACTIONS - SITTING IN JAIL WAS NO FUN! But moving toward that end-point of radical action (as opposed to "We're going to see a counsellor" or "I'd like you to kindly stop seeing POSOM") might have value.

Sometimes threats are just what is needed to snap waywards back into reality. Remember that waywards are not logical when high on affairs.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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Don't have the passwords so that's why I'm going the keylogger route. That way not only can I look at Facebook but I can also find out if there's any continued contact going on through the message or chat feature in FB.

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I hope you remember to do a few things.

1. DON'T become clingy and needy.
2. DON'T pester her about the details of those nights, if she mentions them fine, let her.
3. DO take care of your hygiene.
4. If you happen upon any physical evidence, secure it someplace else.
5. Be Cool and Observe, document.

You are in Reconnaissance mode, you want her to think you've bought her cover story.






FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
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D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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a great and cost effective keylogger is www.desktopshark.com its free .. and does not alert your antivirus.

Welcome to MB, Sorry you are here. Move to plan A and snoop like crazy all the while making your wife feel comfortable enough to slip up and give you what you need to expose this.

Listen to the vets here. The information they give you and advice they give you will be SPOT ON. I have yet to see them wrong.

Hang in there .. your in for a bumpy ride. Vent here .. and DO NOT let your wife know your coming here for info. She should stay away from this site for now until you gather all your evidence.

WHen you find something ... bring it here. Tell us. The vets will help you make a plan to squash this Affair and set you back on track to a health marriage again.

MNG

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Thanks Mr. Nice Guy it's nice to know I can bring things back here to be analyzed by people who have been there and done that.

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We have the T-shirts too TnT...

and the coffee mugs


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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LOL @ Neverguessd. SNOOP is the game right now. You are preparing for a war either way if its a EA/PA. Shes going to lie. Dont listen. Prepare yourself. Use technology to tag her weapon. (her cell phone)You may need to go to your MD and get something for what is going to be possibly the hardest thing you have ever done emotionally.
Snoop and get ready to blow her A up in her office and in your life. This is called exposure. A's are like vampires they live in the dark. EXPOSE them to the Truth (light) they usually die quickly.
She will need to quit her job ASAP upon exposure.
Relentless is now your nature if you want to protect and save your family. Be cunning in this war and use a plan you will draft and council here on this post.


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I don't have much to add at this point, you've gotten some very good advice...snoop, gather evidence, keep your cool, it will require the biggest acting job of your life. When you have the goods, expose to everyone: family, friends, jobs, etc. You have to do it to everyone at once. When exposing on FB make sure you hit the most crucial first because you'll likely get blocked after the first few. Meanwhile, work on your Plan A. Have you done any reading? MB is a vast resource...Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, Lovebusters, etc. Read Read Read!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Good luck, Casper. I'm sure the counsellor will be a big help.
Please tell me you're being facetious, NG. The counselor will be a waste of time, you know that.

Although your snooping tools are priceless.

Casper, this isn't something that can be corrected by handing it off to a marriage counselor for correction. It's an AFFAIR. The only counselor of any use to you would be a counselor who understands that there is an active affair and that the affair needs to be ended permanently.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Dear, sweet, trusting MB -
If you can trace back to the source the "Casper" reference, you'll easily see that my "counseller" advocacy was so dripping with sarcasm that it left a sarcasm puddle beneath your laptop!

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Ditch MC Idea Unless they use DR H principals. Or go to a MC if you just want to dredge up past issues and resolve conflict that helps you end in a facilitated Divorce. The past is the past nothing you can say or do will change it. Look forward. Most MC dont have a clue on how to Kill an A or restore Love.
OK let me say also you may only be dealing with what was the start of a EA. You may have lucked up and caught it early. I did too ALL 3 TIMES. ARGH! But dont bank on that. Bank on snooping that will tell the truth. Intel is your mission. As hard as it is drop all this so she lowers her guard. LIE if u must to get her comfortable again. You certainly dont want to drive this underground.
I wish I had a nickel for every loss of connection and grown apart speech way-wards give. Its there way to justify an A. Blow that off. What is happening is you are not meeting each other emotional needs. Period. YOUR plan (plan A) is to start meeting those needs ASAP and schedule 20 hours a week to spend with your WW and give her Undivided Attention.
Many womens first need is Affection (non sexual) Hug her, notes, gifts, flowers and help around the home. Many womens other top need is intimate conversation. This is what OM is meeting right now I hope. You can meet it better. Think back to when you were dating and act just like that.

She assures me nothing physical has every occured and that they are just friends. Yep wish I had a nickle for this one too. Just Friends is how Affairs start every time. We dont just wake up and say im gonna bend over for a friend today just cause I like him. First they have to meet our ENs then we find it irresistible then it "just Happens".
Read everything DR H has. Get His needs her needs, Love Busters and surviving an affair quickly.
The time to be cunning and to be rational is upon you. Be skilled at knowing how to KILL an AFFAIR if it comes to that. But also being skilled in fulfilling her needs will pay off in triplicate right now. Avoid any Love Busters and you can salvage this regardless of the situation.
She will probably need to quit her Job. You may need to move. You have just entered the toughest plight of your life. But you also lucked up finding this board. Use it to formulate your plan. The vets here will give advice that will be hard to take and counter intuitive. Just do it and dont let FEAR stop you.
You and your Wife has done what every couple does. We enter M with great hope and guide it with intuition. Some bump around with intuition and luck up. Most fail to meet each others needs and we "Drift Apart". It doesnt have to be like that. Raise the bar on you M. Set your Boundaries to expect care and protection as you GIVE care and protection.
One motivated spouse can save the entire M so if shes not on board at first dont despair. But understand way-wards LIE< LIE< LIE! Snoop gathering evidence, Expose the beast regardless of what kind of A it is. Work a stellar Plan A!
Regardless of our moral convictions or our faith the sad news is we are ALL wired for an affair. Our Emotional needs are so powerful that if they arent being met by our spouse sooner or later our yearning for that need will lead us to having it filled outside of our M.


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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Dear, sweet, trusting MB -
If you can trace back to the source the "Casper" reference, you'll easily see that my "counseller" advocacy was so dripping with sarcasm that it left a sarcasm puddle beneath your laptop!
rotflmao I figured it out right after I sent that!

Ewww...I was wondering what that wet stuff was!!! rotflmao


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Can somebody once again recommend a good keylogger to use. I tried Desktop Shark and the computer went nuts with warnings. I guess maybe I can try it again and make sure I disable every single possible detection device on the computer first.

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Go straightaway to office max ETC and buy a good program like E blaster E blaster. Sell her Jewelry to fund if you must but technology is no way to cut costs at the moment.
What kind of mobile phone does she have? What carrier?

Last edited by onemoretime; 04/29/11 09:26 AM.

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Originally Posted by talkintime
Can somebody once again recommend a good keylogger to use. I tried Desktop Shark and the computer went nuts with warnings. I guess maybe I can try it again and make sure I disable every single possible detection device on the computer first.
Go to www.spectorsoft.com and check out the eblaster. It sounds like your security settings might need to be changed. Also, you'll need to tell your virus program to ignore the keylogger program. Easy to do - eblaster will walk you right through it. I'm not familiar with Desktop Shark, so I'm not sure why you're getting warnings.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Verizon Droid X

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Oh and when my WW first EA started up 6 years ago I used semen detection kits on her every 3 days. You can get them here. http://www.getcheckmate.com/
It was a true way for me to know for sure if it was a PA. Unless they use condoms. You have to abstain from sex with her tho, thats the bad news. Read more on there site.


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The eblaster looks really good. Thanks.

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Hi talkintime, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Can we stop and take a breath for a moment?

First, I see MelodyLane has responded to your story. They don't come any better than the good lady, so you'd be well advised to learn everything you can from her.

Which brings me to my second point: Learn as much as you can from this site about Marriage Building. "Surviving an affair" is a large part of this forum, but the principles espoused here are based on the decades of work and research done by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

The doctor has an uncanny ability to write his concepts and principles in such a way as someone with even my limited attention span and learning abilities can understand! But if you do not avail yourself of his wisdom (which, like this forum is FREE -- unless you choose to buy his books or schedule professional counseling) all the work in the world you are doing to recover your marriage now may come falling down around you in the future.

You can't do everything at once. Believe me, I know. I tried. So what you can do is spend some time reading everything you can on this site so you'll better be able to absorb the information and advice others are giving you.

This is perhaps the most important fight you've ever been in. And make no mistake, it is a fight! It's a fight for your marriage. One hopes you did not enter in marriage lightly; don't make the mistake of being steamrollered by your lack of preparation now.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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