I called my girlfriend today because I cannot quite figure out what part of the grieving process I am in today. I moved home after a 15 year absence in order to get away from WH, OW, and actually get myself put back together.

It is tough because I gave up a $100k salary, my TS/SCI clearance, my homes, my new Tahoe,my friends, and everything else my WH and I built. What I am finding is where I am at today (jobless, single mom to four kids, a 2bed/2bath apt, my used 2005 van) I am so much happier.

The city I am living near my family offers my children and I parks, family, pools, bike trails, friends, safety, community, and heritage, and actually that is what I was seeking all these years. For the first time in my adult life I am actually living my dream life, only I don't have my husband next to me.

As I talked to my friend about this I was so sad and deeply pained with empathy because the life I just stumbled upon due to his waywardness is the life my WH and I dreamed of having our entire 15 years together.

I thought it would be so nice to sit and tell my WH all about this new life and how wonderful it is for me and our children, but then I realized I am in Plan B. He will never experience this. I no longer have that best friend who I can speak to about the joys of this new life. I was so sad because what I discovered is my grief is painful today because I miss my best friend.

Before this deployment and my WH affair we were still best friends. We may not have been on the same page as husband and wife, but we just welcomed our fourth baby and we were talking about all we planned to do when he returned.

Today I think the grief comes from knowing our dreams as a family unit are no longer realistic. The only realistic part is to either do it on our own or find a replacement.

As much as I want to grab ahold of my WH and shake the crap out of his dung fog; it isn't possible. Nothing I do, say, our children do or say gets to him. He is gone probably due to some type of narssistic mental illness, but the spade is he is just gone.

You are correct the pain and sorrow of this wayward person is so tragic. The more I learn about myself and what I have to do to live by God's rules, the more I realize my wayward cannot be part of my life.

I miss everything about this man, but nothing we do can save them. We have to sit back and let them self-destuct (taking part of us down with them). Just remember we may have lost everything, but we have not lost our souls. Within a soul lies hope, faith, and forgiveness.

Beautiful post IITL.

I'm not as far into the process as you but I have been spending time with my kids and creating great experiences and have a longing to share it with my former best friend but this is not really an option.

I am working on being complete in myself, a very hard mindset to wrap my head around. So much of my life was so closely interwoven with my wife.

Watching the self destruction is one of the hardest things I've had to face.

I have lost much, but much more is to be gained in personal health and a future beautiful relationship.

In my growing healing/healed moments I look forward to the adventure of building a healthier, happier life than ever.

-pdc

IITL and PDC,
I feel your pain! I think that�s the worst part about all this� everyone says �marry your best friend.� Well, I did. And here I still am. Divorced and alone. Looking toward the future is much easier now than it was two years ago. But still there are those moments when I wish I had a friend of that closeness to share life with.

As part of the process of my moving out of the house, I am in the midst of a project where I'm scanning all of the old pictures we have from when the kids were little, before digital cameras. It's been a fun project because I get to relive all the fun times we had as a family at Christmas, birthdays, vacations, etc. We really had a lot of good times as a family, and I happy remembering them.

The other side of the coin is, of course, that those days have ended. I have been sharing the fun I'm having remembering those times with the kids, but cannot with my former best friend because she's not around anymore. We will no longer have good times as a family, and that saddens me. I am doing my best to replace those times with new 'good times' with my kids. It's still not the same. I miss my life partner - my best friend. But she, too, has been lost to some narcissistic life change.

I'm dealing with the loss by reminding myself that the wonderful woman I married is gone, replaced by the 'alien'. My new life will be without her.

This plain sucks! As a problem solver type it is very frustating to be in a place where the situation is beyond solving. We only can control ourselves. So we are left with your last sentence.

Hi pdc,

I have read your story and I'm so sorry for it. I understand how you feel atm and I really appreciate how people in here help with their own stories and wisdom. You still have your children despite what happened with you and your wife. You have my prayers in all your actions. May God bless you always.


Jullie