I am finding the path to recovery very hard.....mainly because I feel insecure in my relationship....even though my husband is with us still as says he loves me, he has admitted to still having feelings for the OW. Is this acceptable? What kind of feelings are acceptable 5 months in? I pick holes in her the whole time....saying how bad she is. It is ugly and I know I shouldn't do it but I want to discredit her to him - is this fair/understandble? It winds him up and then he becomes defensive of her again leading me to think he still cares for her. Should I ask him to leave and only come back when he has exorcised her from his mind?

A better strategy is STOP nitpicking that skank to him, because it just keeps her top of mind and makes him feel defensive. If he too busy defending her, he won't realize what a mistake she is.

Your job is to create a romantic relationship that makes his affair with her PALE in comparison. That is how you fix that ho.

Be strategic, rather than REACTIONARY, my friend, and you will win this battle.

If you want to bash that ho, come here and do it where it won't harm you. Bringing her up to your H harms you.

I agree.
I concur.
DITTO

Is it ok for him to have feelings for her?

AEK, when you bash POSOW to your WH, you lower yourself to her level. Be above her! You want your WH to see how much better you are than her, not see you wallowing unattractively while you spout off about her.

I suspect you're trying to force him to see her for the skank that she is. But you're going about it the wrong way.

Let him see you at your sweetest. You'd be surprised by what that will do for both of you.

Come here to vent. We're good listeners that way.

He does have feelings for her. That is the truth. That is why he had an affair. The goal is to diminish those feelings by creating MORE LOVE for you.

Thank you.....but being sweet isn't how I am feeling. How can I be charm personified if I feel like killing her???? I guess I will have to try out my acting skills. But again, I ask, is it ok for him to have feelings for her. yesterday he said he missed her physically.....

Melodylane I see where you are coming from. Should he know I am even trying to implement Plan A or should I just try my best to be amazing......shouldn't it be him begging me for forgiveness and being very nice to me? This all seems the wrong way around....

Should he stop telling you the truth?

I wouldn't do Plan A. That is for an active affair. I would start on recovery. He needs to start EARNING your forgiveness and leading the way in a program of recovery. What has he done to EARN your forgiveness?

Check this out -------------------> Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


Set the bar VERY HIGH, Aek, and make him live up to your standards. If you lower the bar, he will just live down to your expectations and then you will have no marriage.

Melodylane I see where you are coming from. Should he know I am even trying to implement Plan A or should I just try my best to be amazing......shouldn't it be him begging me for forgiveness and being very nice to me? This all seems the wrong way around....

Once you have all the details about the affair, it shouldn't be brought up again. Bringing it up KEEPS HIM AND YOU TRIGGERED and makes your relationship seem very unpleasant in contrast to his stinky affair. When you are unpleasant, you just prop the affair up and make it look more attractive than it is.

That is a very reactionary approach that will hurt your marriage and cause more grief and pain.

A more strategic approach is to stop mentioning that skank and start working on making your marriage such a romantic PLEASANT experience that skanky will pale in comparison. See what I mean?

He has done little to earn my forgiveness. He is here and not with her as she is still with her H. He has bought me the odd bunch of flowers and he helps around the house. But he sent her love texts and letters and bought her gifts of jewels etc...

Forget Plan A. Get his full committment to a plan of RECOVERY.

Read the article I just posted.

Are you reading any of my posts?

Yes I see what you mean MelodyLane. I will really try. I guess if I felt more secure I would not feel the need to mention her quite so often. We never used to argue or have any conflict but this has made us both quite angry and cold. what is a Skank - we do;t use this word in the UK?!!!

You have one of the BEST MBers interested in helping you.

PAY ATTENTION !!!

Oh, sister, you don't know the half of what I wanted to do to OW. And I won't lie to you and say I was a southern belle from Day 1. Boy, did I have my moments! But it didn't serve me, and it won't serve you, either. So yank on your acting skills and get yourself pulled together:

Here's what you do. Every time you feel like going off about OW, grab a nice, sturdy pillow, go to the garage and just start whaling that pillow against the ground. Call that pillow every name in the book. Work yourself up into a frenzy and pound the [censored] out of that pillow until the rage subsides.

Try not to let the neighbors see you do this.

Catch your breath. Smooth your hair. Put a smile on your face and go back inside.

FWIW, I found that door frames were handy for slamming pillows against.

It's no cure-all, but blowing off some of that anger and frustration was therapeutic for me. Maybe it will help you.

Stop this. Stop saying this and thinking it. You are keeping yourself enraged by continually telling yourself this stuff. This is working against you and harming your ability to create a romantic relationship.

Go read the article I posted and start thinking about what it will take to create a romantic relationship in your marriage. We can help you devise a plan that you can take to your husband.

you will be ok, AEK, if you can set aside your emotions. I know it is very hard, but your emotions are keeping you in state of despair. A better approach is to focus on a PLAN OF RECOVERY. Can you change your focus?

thanks, Pep.