Well that is good to hear, because that is the course I am set on.

And paint her future - if she won't end contact - as bleakly as possible. See, she has fantasies of replacing you with the OM, so you need to burst that fantasy with a very dark picture. She will hope for an easy, soft divorce with an easy transistion.

Do it like this and paint it out to her like this:[keep in mind we hope she will leave the job but she is more likely to do that if you make the picture look bleak]

1. File on grounds of adultery, naming the OM [you can do this if you are in a grounds state] This way the OM will be subpoenaed into court - all of their email and text records will have to be turned over. You can have the OMW subpeonaed into court to testify

2. file for primary custody of the children and possession of the home, SINCE HER AFFAIR HAS DEEMED HER UNFIT

3. try to get alimony and child support payments from her

4. Let her know that you will not be her "friend." That may seem trivial, but you would not believe how important this is to a WS. They imagine you will bend over and be "amicable" in response to their cruelty. This lessens their guilt, which you don't want to do!

This is the kind of divorce you want to go after because it is the most likely to wake her up if that is possible. If you serve up the easy, amicable divorce, it will just fuel her fantasy of replacing you.

Most attorneys try to facilitate the easiest, softest divorce possible so you will want to find one who fight for fathers rights and be as mean as hell.

I did just look this up and I can verify that I do live in a fault state and can file on grounds of adultery. I will be sure to point out to my attorney that this is how I want to proceed. Unfortunately right now my only proof will be testimony. The OM, the OMW and some other people my WW has admitted to having an affair to. I have some emails that are more suggestive than concrete evidence.

Maybe the fear of it, though, will be enough to make a dent in her attitude.

Your attorney can subpoena their email and text messages. And you did also tell the workplace, right? They can be asked to testify. Most attorneys, like I said, will try and push for the easiest, softest divorce. You need one who will fight for you.

dbaggins, refresh my memory-- does her workplace know about this?

Oh yes, oh yes. They got the firm talking to from HR, formal investigation involving the company lawyer, from what I can gather but only a slap on the wrist in the grand scheme. Although she did let slip last week that she was concerned that the water cooler talk was starting to target her. I did all I could to not crack a smile at that. Yes, while I do temper my most vengeful thoughts with logic, it is hard to not enjoy the paranoia she must feel when people stop talking when she walks by.

dbaggins, I hope you don't end up divorced, and want to explain the reasoning behind my suggestions. If you don't have a plan, you will soon begin to react to the pressure when the drip, drip, drip of her behavior begins to take its toll on you. That is when people start blowing up and doing stupid things. What your wife is doing to you by going to see the OM every day is very traumatic. Before long, this is going to spiral out of control.

This plan shows her you will not settle for her abuse, that she has to abide by a certain standard in order to stay married to you. And that is how is has to be if you expect to stay married.

If you are somewhat in control of your destiny, though, you have protection against that and an exit plan if this does not stop.

Melody you are right about having a plan. I felt much better walking out of the lawyer's office than I did walking in. I will be steadily getting my ducks in a row and planning my strike. I honestly don't know if I even care at this point if we work it out. It is safe to say my love bank is in the red, and despite my fears of change and for my son's well being, living this way IS unacceptable.

As long as she works with this [censored] you're never going to have piece of mind. My bet would be to end this already.

Raineystreetboys, there's no prize for having the most posts in an hour. Stop it and read the threads of the people you're replying to. Also, read up on the basic tenets of Marriage Builders. Then think before you post.

Clearly I have been absent from these boards for some time. The quick and dirty is I have been Plan A'ing it for a while. However, I had my fill of my WW refusing NC & continuing to work with the OM. I filed for divorce and my WW was served around 2 weeks ago. I made it clear I would accept nothing less than her finding employment elsewhere.

She has shown some minor improvement since being served. She finally broke down and answered all my questions regarding the A, which was a previous no go. She also invited me to go on a potential upcoming business trip, which was also previously a no go. We start MC in a couple weeks, but as long as she refuses to go NC I wonder what good it will do.

I really would prefer not to D, but I have self respect and refuse to live this way. Anyone with some suggestions on how best to proceed from here?

I would proceed with the divorce and even plan on going into Plan B in the near future. Will she move out? I would ask her to move out. The basic issue is that your marriage will never recover this way. And I don't believe the affair is over at all. That is why she refuses to leave the job.

MC will likely be a disaster because most marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea of how to save a marriage from an affair. How will you feel if the MC validates your wife's marriage wrecking decisions, such as her refusal to stop working with the OM? Your typical MC will do that and then it will be that much harder to kill her affair.

If you want to go to marriage counseling, try someone who knows how to save marriages and will help your marriage, Steve Harley. He could probably persuade her to leave her job.

When you filed for divorce, did you file on grounds of adultery? Do you live in a state where can do that?

If your WW continues to work with the OM, then I think the choice is pretty clear.

This I don't think will be a problem. I have had a 1:1 session with this MC and she was in agreement that NC was a requirement. I don't think it will make any difference, though, for my WW to hear it from the MC.


Yes, I did file on grounds of adultery.

Why won't she leave the job? Does she understand she is going to lose her marriage and her home over that job? Or does she believe you will cave on this?

Well she rationalizes by saying how she worked hard for the job, and doesn't want to be unemployed while getting divorced; which is BS. My feeling is that she believe things will either improve and I will cave, or things won't improve and then it doesn't matter. What she doesn't get is that things won't improve as long she keeps that job, despite my attempts to make her see that.

I don't think she believes you are serious about this. I would take steps to disabuse her of that notion. Ask her to move out. Go to her with hat in hand and tell her that her behavior is too painful and you don't want to wait to separate. Ask her to find another place to live. She might not move out now but it will get her looking around so you can go into Plan B in the near future.

Your WW is like a child now and like any child they need a strong hand to guide them. If your child was having a tantrum fit would you surrenderer to that fit and acquiesce? Of course not and in the last example your wife is the ill behaved child. This is what she's really looking for, leadership, guidance, she may not show you immediately that she's looking for this but in the long run it's what will bring her around.