OK, leave it to me to clean up the TJ mess.

Hows it going North?

Hey Reynolds,

Going fairly reasonable I guess. Neither of us think it's perfect yet, but we talk about it. W surprised me last night by using the term Love Bank when describing something that happened that day. Kids were acting up and I had an AO. She said it withdrew some, then we talked about my $LB some.

I don't know guys, neither one of us are really "romantically" in love with the other. But we've been talking about what is affecting our dynamic (she does certain things, I do certain things) so I guess that's ok that we're having quality conversations.

She said she was soooooo ready to move past all of this and get to the "good" life. Kind of nice to hear, and I agreed I was ready, too. But we're just kind of struggling sometimes with the day-to-day drudgery (anti-UA time) that comes with marriage, work, mortgage and kids.

Reynolds - well, thanks for cleaning up. Ditto - NW; how's it going today?

I thought His hair was part of global warming...?

Well the renaming of the thread sounds cool, and hiding it whithin the don't know -- "what this sounds like" statement, well the chuckle was great...but you will have to shorten it.

North, its like that for everybody - kids mortgage life in the way. Otherwise we'd all have had perfect marriages and no one would be on this site.

W and I counselling with Steve together Thurs. I am pretty excited - hope it turbocharges things for us - end tj.

knock knock! hey guys, seems there are wackness going on the forum today, i know i am new but i get a bad sense, and you all are leaving it up to the women to monitor the mess. the ladies are doing a great job!

Hi Chickadee, I did report to the mods when i saw the problem I think you are referring to. And it stopped so I think that worked.

I do know he had already drawn some attention from MBSeasons, and Marital was following as well.

Anyway hopefully he takes the hint. Probably some teen in his moms basement if I had to guess.

I've seen people make the "no relationship talk during UA time" call, and at one time I bought it.

However, I think that is something more important when trying to reach reconciliation. It's kind of like the "no kid talk" rule.

Our marriages and our children are large and important pieces of our lives - sharing and discussing these things is a part of intimate conversation.

There is just one simple rule; keep it pleasant. If it becomes unpleasant for a second, it needs to be dropped, and a new line of conversation began.

As things progress, you will progress to planning for the future and reminiscing about the past. Yes, there will be a purposeful gap.

thank you for answering the man door- reynolds. i think they got him, i was getting my back up and was going to use all of my DJ's and AO's on him. would have been a relief, but i am from NY so it could have gotten ugly. sorry north, for the sidetrack.

Good to hear you and your W are getting along now...

No worries NW about lack of romanticism. I wouldn't expect much from my WW if/when she returns to our marriage. I would be grateful if she came back, and would allow plenty of time to reconnect romantically.

A couple nice dinners out (without kids) would help... A walk around the park or neighborhood, holding hands would help..

Snuggling in front of the TV watching her favorite show would help...

You get the idea. You love each other, or you wouldn't be where you are right now.

Think back to the days of dating, and try some of your old "moves" on her. Buy her flowers. Write a love letter. Make dinner.

Man I have a huge list of things just waiting for the chance you are getting right now!

Put on your best Antonio Banderas and romance the he11 out of her!

Thanks, TB, for the reminders/suggestions...kind of get sidetracked sometimes and forget that some things just take a little longer to get right the second time around.

I'm actually out of town today and tomorrow. I think she's called three or four times today--hard to say when that happened last and it's kind of nice.

Someone posted this, thought it kind of fit where I'd like my mindset to be very soon:


So, thanks again for checking in on me--I've made a mental note to step up things a bit when I get back.

Awesome quote NW

Really awesome quote NW.

what we learned at Marriage retreat with FamilyLife was so important: "MY SPOUSE IS NOT MY ENEMY." Its not a war. Its not a chess game. There is no keeping score. Just protect your spouse from yourself by eliminating LB's. We are together hand in hand.

I wish my WW felt that way right now.

We do all those things right now. Through all this mess.
Back rubs, snuggling, cups of tea, making her dinner, folding laundry together, picking up candy/prescriptions/small gifts, nice dinners out, walks hand in hand, bike rides. We say grateful things to each other, snuggle tenderly, share a bath, make love, say "I love you tons". Its all so good and yet she feels so bad and won't commit to M and set herself free. So frustrating. The limbo is tough and I am stuck with it for all of Plan A which I am resolved will be a long effort if it has to be. (we have 4 kids.)

Wow, Stretch.

I haven't had a chance to run through your story, but if you are doing all those things I wouldn't call that Plan A! I'd call that Plan Love!

All those things you are doing....I miss. I am in Plan A (and also in Divorce). I get no contact...no kisses, no hugs...no "I love you's"

So are you in recovery? If so, are you both going to Marriage Counseling? How's that working?

And the making love part... wow! Even with all that romance, your WW won't commit to the Marriage?

I'm no expert but are you sure she's not still in an EA or PA?

(Sorry to T/J again, but I'm confused about Stretch's situation...)

TB,

No worries about t/j. I kind of had the same questions (had thought they were doing good) but I understand that stretch's W recently emailed her OM but was rejected. I think OM is in a band or something.

I see.

So Stretch's WW is holding on to hope that she'll get her OM back?

Can you say "false recovery"?

Stretch is getting his EN's met (apparently) but his WW is just "appeasing" him? That's no good. Looks like she's trying to have the best of both worlds.

Hopefully Stretch can reign her in...and she will give up hope for the OM and return to her marriage 100% instead of what she's giving right now.

Good luck, Stretch!

TimB - I'm glad you see the potential FR here. You and I need to be extra vigilant if either one of ours comes back. I think both of us have an 'elevated risk' of false recovery, given the personalities we're dealing with! They just ain't gonna fold easily and admit a mistake!

Yep. They're definitely related...somehow!

Another T/J (Sorry NW!):

I have a question about Mother's Day and my WW's birthday coming up.

Mother's Day is this Sunday May 8th. I plan on picking up a couple cards from the daughters to mommy for her special day. Should I get her a card from husband to wife for Mother's Day or should I shun her on that day? (She did NOT get me a Valentine's Day card...) Flowers and a card are the normal gift for Mom's Day in the past. A couple potted hanging baskets to go out on the deck too...

And her birthday is May 13th.... Ironically Friday the 13th this year LOL!

Do I bother to get her a gift, and a card and flowers? Or do I shun her on that day too??

DD5's birthday is also on May 13th (yep, she gave birth on her birthday!) So of course I'll be showering DD5 with all the love and presents a dear daughter deserves from her daddy!

Remember I am in divorce (served on April 12th) and WW shows no signs of turning it around.... And I've been Plan A'ing my [censored] off all the way...

Thoughts??