I've read the post here regarding Dr. Harley's opinion on exposure. I see the logic in his belief to immediately expose an affair once you have proof.

I have proof....

...but I'm terified to expose my wife's affair.

I discovered my wife's affair about two weeks ago. I noticed that she had become very secretive with her online activities (closing the laptop when I entered the room; logging off of sites that she used to leave open like Facebook and email; changing passwords; closely guarding her cell phone). She also drastically changed her appearance by a sudden renewed interest in getting in shape and primping herself (drastic hairstyle change, nails, pedicures) when she for so long expressed no interest in those things.

I managed to get a hold of her phone and found messages between her and an old "friend" from high school. She had rekindled a relationship with him on Facebook which ballooned into a full blown emotional affair.

The discovery came at the worst possible time. She was on her way to visit her mom two states away....in the same town that HE lives in.

When I confronted her about it, she gave the textbook "just a friend" denial. She eventually gave me a half hearted admission that she agreed that the relationship was inappropriate and said she would not go see him. She only said that to shut me up.

She went there. She was with him. Not sexually, but emotionally. I know this for a fact. Our phones have GPS on them. I saw where she was. Our phone records show feverish contact and long conversations between the two. They stopped the night she was with him.

But the contact did not stop. She still has him as a friend on Facebook. That is where they do all of their talking now. She's even gone as far as to create a secondary Facebook account that she thinks I don't know about where he is her only friend.

Every spare second that she can, she sneaks away and logs into that Facebook account to see if he is online or if he left her a message. They still message one another daily.

How do I know all of this? She left it logged in and I read all the messages between them. I know all the dirty details that she thinks I do not. I kept a copy.

I've tried twice to talk to her about it without telling her exactly what I know. Both times, I feel like I've made massive Love Bank withdrawals. She denies the affair and gets mad at me.

Understand, I know that I have not fulfilled her needs and that my actions played a major role in leading her astray. We're both in counseling. I've changed my heart, my attitude, and my actions. I've known for a long time that we had problems. I've not liked the person that I had become for quite some time. I'm committed to changing. I'm committed to never taking her for granted again. I read the Marriage Builders site religiously and follow the advice contained therein. I've spent every second of the past two weeks trying to fill her Love Bank. My efforts are not having the desired impact because HE is still in the equation. I fear that while I am committed to rebuilding our love, she is not.

We've been married for almost 13 years. We have 5 children.

For as much as this hurts me, I've already forgiven her indiscretion. What I can't get over is the dishonesty. If we're going to move forward and repair our marriage, I have to be able to trust her. Her complete unwillingness to admit the affair and her continued contact with him prohibit me from being able to trust her.

What I need in order to heal is for her to cease all contact with him and to be open with me about what happened. I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED because of what I read in their messages to one another. Again, she doesn't know that I know and won't come clean.

I love my wife with all my heart. I've never been unfaithful and have no desire to so ever. I want her back. I want to fulfill her needs. I want her to trust in me to be able to support her.

I'm just very confused as to how I can do that with him still in the picture. It would seem that, according to advice on this site, I should expose her affair. Tell her exactly what I know.

I'm afraid to do that. I don't want to push her farther away. I also don't want to inflict this pain on our children. I don't want them to suffer what I am suffering by knowing that their mother is in love with another man.

My counselor told me that I might want to consider letting her know exactly what I know as well. She said that part of the allure of the affair is the forbidden secret nature of the whole thing.

Again, I do see the logic of that advice. I'm just scared and confused to do it.

It's like she is two different persons. To my face, she assures me that she wants to fix our marriage and that she loves me and wants no one else. She assures me that she is dedicated to counseling and seeing this through. Behind my back though, she is in constant contact with him (which she denies). I've seen messages she sent him after our counseling sessions or after I confronted her about her relationship with him. She shows great anger towards me when I confront her and takes a mocking tone in regards to our reconciliation when she messages him.

I also see that she is the one who makes all the effort with HIM. She is the one who desperately initiates contact with him. He is actually a bit standoffish and distant with her. He gives her lame excuses for why he hasn't contacted her which she believes. From the outside looking in, it would seem to me that she is his Other Woman. Nevertheless, she still desperately tries to keep their affair afloat.

I'm hurt, scared, and confused.

Any help?

So, your choice is to live in terror?
Surrender to your fears?
Have a nervous breakdown because you can't make a move?

Many many many, millions, of wives have unmet/unfilled needs, yet NEVER have an affair.
Explain that !




Did the 5 kids fail to meet their mother's needs?
Huh?
Is that why your wife CHEATED on her FAMILY?
Is it the kid's fault too? For not "meeting Mom's needs"?

I did almost have a nervous breakdown, Pepper. I will admit that.

I'm just confused as to what extent this exposure should entail.

Her mother (whom I already talked to when I first found out and who does not believe her daughter would do such a thing)? Our children? I've already told my mother and brother. Do I contact HIM and his relatives?

I think she would see this as me trying to control her, which was one of our main problems. I WAS a controlling a-hole. I'm trying not to be.

Answer this:
How does a busy Mom of 5 have time to have an affair?

Does she read fewer bedtime stories and shorten bedtime prayers so she can jump on the phone to text sex messages to her OM?

Does the busy Mom give fewer/shorter hugs to her children because her mind is preoccupied with OM?

Does the Mom/adulterer teach her kids that it is OK to lie and cheat if they aren't getting certain needs met?

How does the Mom of 5 kiss her children with the same lips that have touched OM?

Does the Mom/adulterer tell her kids "Wait, Mommy is busy on the phone." when she is on the phone with OM, but is interrupted by one of her 5 darling kids with a pressing child problem?

And YOU ARE AFRAID TO TAKE ACTION ?

Seriously?

Who will protect your kids?
Certainly not OM.
Certainly not your WW right now.

Be a man.
Be a strong father.
Protect and fight for your family.

"I'm afraid" is not a very impressive excuse for a father of 5.

EV
REE
ONE

Everyone.
All at once.

That's a problem/issue EASILY APPROACHED in RECOVERY.

During the affair .... you must be proactive or the adultery will KILL any hope for your marriage.

Target numero uno .... OM's wife/girlfriend.

That is pretty typical. It's a scary thing to do.

Having your wife continue an affair for years on end is also scary.

Divorce is also pretty scary.

A miserable marriage is also pretty scary.

If you use your logic and reason, you can take rational steps to bring yourself to a point where your emotions are happiness instead of fear. You can make and follow a plan regardless of what your feelings say.

The first step in that plan is to expose the adultery.

Read my carrot/stick link.

Put a damn GPS (secretly) on her car.
Today!
Find a way to track her phone/text computer messages.
Knowledge is power.
Weakness will not work.

I thought the problem was that you were scared.

I am scared. Fear has never stopped me before though. You'd be shocked if you know what my profession is.

I will expose the affair. Now.

Ok I wrote this 6 years ago myself. First, the problems in a M NEVER justify infidelity. Its not your fault!
Secondly if you dont kill the A your doomed. You cant fill her ENs as long as he is in the picture. 3 dont work. And if she can run to him and have part of her ENs met and have you meet the other ENs its all good for her.(cake eater)
Kill the A. Grab your set, put on the flack jacket and war paint and KILL THE A!
Fear is getting the best of you. If you dont overcome that fear you are sure to lose this war.

Start with the significant other of OM.
His family.
Your entire family.
Your circle of friends.
Your church/minister.

Read carrot/stick to prepare yourself for WW's venom.

Her venom is a GOOD response.
If exposure is effective, OM may decide that a MW with a warrior husband and FIVE KIDS is not worth the effort.

Chances are excellent he will DUMP her when the heat is high and he's no longer having any fun.

Hang in there ...

OK, so you're a cop.

Yes, you need to tell the kids, both sets of your parents, siblings and any other family or friends that could influence your W to end the A.

As for OM, is he married? And you said you have access to his FB page?

Many BHs are terrified of upsetting their WWs. We have a saying here, Your marriage can survive her anger but it won't survive an affair.

Just remember this, if she gets upset, that's a GOOD thing ~ it means you are busting up the fantasy of the A. You want her to be upset over exposure. They all get upset and they all get over it once they defog...

I think you will find that HAVING A PLAN really lessens the fear issue.

ShatteredHope,

Your WW lied to you when she told you she would not go see him...

Why in the world do you believe her that she did not have sex with him when she went to go see him?

If she just wanted to talk she could do THAT on the phone.

Why do you think she was so desperate to see him in person?

What do you think they could do in person that they couldn't do over the phone or on facebook, play checkers???

OM don't hang around unless there is a payoff, and it's not talking on the phone or facebook.

I heard nothing was going on, then a kiss, then a one night, then an affair that had gone on for years.

Expect to learn more as this unfolds and realize that you CAN save your marriage by listening to the good people here and following Dr.Harley's plan.

Welcome to MB!!!

Jim

Jim, I have seen all of their interactions on Facebook. They vividly discussed what happened the night she was with him. She was upset because they did not get physical. He refused her and said he wasn't ready.