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Another thing you can do that has proven to be one of the most powerful weapons against an affair is exposure on facebook to the OM�s friends. Facebook is a collection of the person�s closest and most important friends, all in one spot! We have had numerous affairs killed in the SAME DAY after a facebook exposure. They are DEADLY. What we did was make a copy of all the names of all the OP�s friends FIRST. [this is important because once the OP gets wind you are sending out messages to his friends, he will close his page] You will have to send out an email, one by one to his facebook friends. It should go something like this:
Facebook exposure letters
Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BH
Dear friend of Skankyhola,
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence. I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx. Thank you, BW
Jim, I have seen all of their interactions on Facebook. They vividly discussed what happened the night she was with him. She was upset because they did not get physical. He refused her and said he wasn't ready.
This is a FANTASTIC opportunity.
Call OM or go see him in person.
Get IN HIS FACE and tell him to "cease and desist" any/all activity with your wife. Make no actual threats, but look serious and determined.
"You WILL leave MY wife alone. Right? RIGHT? You will go away and never return. Right? RIGHT?"
Dr Harley would call you an ENABLER. The problem with your complacent approach is that it reflects a LACK OF CARING. You clearly don't care enough to stand up for your marriage and are headed towards a divorce as the affair becomes more and more entrenched every day. With your help. So it is silly to say that you fear that exposure will push them together when it is YOUR ENABLING THAT IS DOING THAT VERY THING.
Unless you get up and do something to save your marriage, this is hopeless. Sorry you have chosen to throw away your marriage for no good reason other than your misplaced "fears."
Dr Harley speaks to another enabler on the radio - a guy like you who didn't expose. His wife is now moving out to be with her OM click here
Originally Posted by Dr Harley to enabler husband on radio clip
"It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler. In my judgement exposure would have ended your wife's affair."
You really don't have the luxury of catering to your fears in this situation. Its ok for you to wreck your own life through complacence and laziness, but you have 5 children who need you. YOU ARE ALL THEY HAVE RIGHT NOW. They need someone to stand up for their family.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Do the OMs just really slink away after exposure? they don't lurk? My W's OM is not married, no kids....so I still fear he has 'nothing to lose' if he wanted to start up contact again, pursue W. Does exposing to his employer (which got him canned) and his mom really drive OPs away for good?
Moving on from the A, but just wondering...thanks.
Do the OMs just really slink away after exposure? they don't lurk? My W's OM is not married, no kids....so I still fear he has 'nothing to lose' if he wanted to start up contact again, pursue W. Does exposing to his employer (which got him canned) and his mom really drive OPs away for good?
Moving on from the A, but just wondering...thanks.
OM are lazy. Usually. And cowardly too.
And, they want easy trouble-free access to the WW without consequences or bother.
Make the affair with YOUR WIFE so-not-worth-the-amount-of-trouble.
Do the OMs just really slink away after exposure? they don't lurk? My W's OM is not married, no kids....so I still fear he has 'nothing to lose' if he wanted to start up contact again, pursue W. Does exposing to his employer (which got him canned) and his mom really drive OPs away for good?
Moving on from the A, but just wondering...thanks.
Pepperband is right, most just slink away after you cause trouble for them because they are looking for some easy nookie. They don't want the trouble.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Jim, I have seen all of their interactions on Facebook. They vividly discussed what happened the night she was with him. She was upset because they did not get physical. He refused her and said he wasn't ready.
Okay, that pretty much says he's married. His wife is your No. 1 exposure target.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Fear is ok, inaction is not. Be prepared for her anger--know she will be angry, and it will not catch you off guard or stab you as deep as you're afraid. She WILL be angry. She will be angry you are attacking her little fantasy life, where she can have a family AND a boyfriend without consequences.
As others have said...your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive her affair.
My WW was livid... I mean, LIVID, and spewing all kinds of babble about how "she could never forgive me for telling her family" and blah blah blah blah... fog babble. Projections. It was like she was a crack addict whose pipe was taken away. You know what? She forgave me. Maybe the "fog" isn't all gone, maybe she's still "hurt" I exposed to the world... but she woke up, pulled her head out of her backside, OM crawled back into the sewer, and I have my wife back.
Exposure has worked for many BHs here. Do not let the fear run your life. What's worse--living in the house with your 5 kids and a wife who is lying to you and secretly banging another man on the side...potentially exposing you to STDs? Or watching your wife get angry that you're finally standing up for your manhood and kicking this other SOB piece of trash boyfriend out of your family's life?
It's time to be a man with your family, the same way you're a man at your day job.
BS: Me, 27 WS: Her, 24 EA: October PA: 11/22/10 Moved out 12/3/10 Moved back in mid-January.
In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
For as much as this hurts me, I've already forgiven her indiscretion. What I can't get over is the dishonesty. If we're going to move forward and repair our marriage, I have to be able to trust her. Her complete unwillingness to admit the affair and her continued contact with him prohibit me from being able to trust her.
It is very inappropriate to pre-emptively forgive her for nothing. What is there to forgive her FOR? Handing out unconditional forgiveness hurts your marriage and encourages abuse and neglect. Nor should you trust her. It was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place. Rather than seeking trust, I would demand she end her affair and protect your marriage from an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Melody, let me tell you that I appreciate all of this tough love dearly. I have just unleashed a tsunami of exposure. I messaged everyone I could find on Facebook with any association to HIM. I informed her mother. I messaged HIM with a warning to back off. I confronted her.
She was angry and embarassed and didn't say much.
But from what I'm reading here, that is a good reaction.
Melody, let me tell you that I appreciate all of this tough love dearly. I have just unleashed a tsunami of exposure. I messaged everyone I could find on Facebook with any association to HIM. I informed her mother. I messaged HIM with a warning to back off. I confronted her.
She was angry and embarassed and didn't say much.
But from what I'm reading here, that is a good reaction.
Time will tell.
Great job!! Now, is he married? If so, did you call his wife?
Everyone of your children should be told BY YOU so they understand the source of the tension in their home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home. ___________________________________ A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.
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The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I guess exposure causes the trouble...creates the 'crazy husband' that scares off the OM, let alone the public embarrassment to family/friends, the effect on the innocent children involved, the prospects of a divorce battle, etc.
I guess exposure causes the trouble...creates the 'crazy husband' that scares off the OM, let alone the public embarrassment to family/friends, the effect on the innocent children involved, the prospects of a divorce battle, etc.
This is what scares off OM:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
One other reaction you may get. For me exposing made my WW wake up from her little EA fantasy. She suddenly realized that her actions were fixing to send her down a road she didn't want to travel down and snapped her from the fog of her ENs being met elsewhere. This isn't typical but it is possible. Now after 3 months guilt and remorse is overcoming her and she grieves. But she is now also doing the leg work that she never has done before. I communicated my expectations and resolved to have them met or I would no longer continue in our M. (MY Boundaries) All while dishing out the carrot of Plan A. But I never faltered that EPs and a ful-filling M was my expectations. I told her daily.
Also as far as the OM went. They quickly learned I could be a huge stick in the rear side. I reamed them both personally and professionally. This last one said he was physically Ill anticipating my revenge and hoping I wouldn't expose to his BW and there employer. I did and he ran like the dog he is. I ran after him with a leash. The OM before this one moved and erased his footprints on the internet (Junior Golf Pro) dropped all his tournaments and still hides to this day! He tried to get restraining orders on me but couldn't because I was using the internet and his local sphere to tell the truth about it so it was totally legal. I only confronted him face to face one time. The rest was just sweet revenge within my legal rights. LMAO he didn't play the Augusta National because of me. He was hiding from the truth. Just as you do on your Job be relentless and have no fear!
I messaged everyone I could find on Facebook with any association to HIM. I informed her mother. I messaged HIM with a warning to back off. I confronted her.
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She was angry and embarassed and didn't say much.
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But from what I'm reading here, that is a good reaction.
Yes, it is. And, do NOT {yet} tell your WW about this site. You still need some work on your plans. Once she willingly and openly enters RECOVERY, she can be VERY welcome posting here.
