Susie, when I confronted her with what I know I also told her "Everyone knows".

She was NOT happy. Now she doesn't want to have contact with anyone who she thinks will confront her about it.

She wants me to cancel plans I had for us on Mother's Day.

I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for being such a weenie and waiting so long to expose (on 3/9/11)...once done, it really forced the hand of people to either be for marriage/family or not.

And I never would have guessed the results:

*OM fired from jobsite within 2 hours of employer receiving exposure letter
*angry voicemail from OM to my W (used work number) about getting fired; threatened to sue me (us) for defamation of character
*OM's mother calling me after receiving exposure letter; ripped my W, defended her son, angry over A, sad for our children
*my W went ballistic for a weekend...and then calmed down and decided she does want to be M and have a family after all.

No evidence of contact since then...seem to be in recovery now.

I wish I hadn't waited those extra months -- I think the fog is lifting, but probably taking a bit longer due to my delay. At least i know going forward, if the M works or not, everyone will know WHY the M failed, and who'll have to answer for it...

Way to fight for your marriage, Shattered. It took me weeks of waffling and kicking my feet before I got the guts to finish my partial-exposure. Waiting, hoping, and being weak will only lead to more hurt, more trouble, more resentment, and a longer recovery time... if recovery is even possible by then.

The ride has started, but you've got support here, and you're on the right track.



Stay strong buddy. Down the road, your kids will thank you for fighting for Mom. You will thank yourself for turning into a stronger, healthier person... and your WW might even thank you for dragging her back from the brink of a ruined life.

Mel,

LMAO....LOVE the vid!!!(Hell's coming with me)

SH, just read your posts today, GREAT JOB!! you should be VERY proud!

SH, will her mother speak to her? Your wife needs to hear from her family members. In order to help you and your kids, they should be using their influence to persuade her to end her affair. If some family member won't talk to your wife, then be sure and tell her you have told them about the affair.

Another very important exposure is to your pastor if you have a church. But the MOST IMPACTFUL EXPOSURE will be to the OM's wife and/or parents. That should be done today.

You are doing GREAT and I want to applaud you for standing up for your marriage and your children! We are all afraid, SH. What matters is what we DO with that fear. The difference between those who make it and those who don't is usually the ability to act DESPITE that fear!

You did a brave thing today.

I'm happy I registered and posted today. I really needed SOMEONE to support me and validate what I was feeling.

I'm not big into succumbing to fear. Don't get me wrong, I get scared all the time. It's just not in my nature to cower to the fear and be weak.

This whole situation has taken away a lot of my sense of self.

But no more. I AM a warrior. I will not be weak.

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

Ask THEM to contact her. And be sure and tell your children. ALONE. They need to be asking their mother why she would throw away their family for ..........nothing! That will wake her up for sure.


Whatever.

After you run off this loser and kill her affair, I would move onto the next step. Most marriages NEVER recover from affairs because they have no plan of recovery. As a result, their marriage limps along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. So your next steps are very critical unless you want to settle for a nightmare of a marriage.

Set her down in the next couple of days and let her know that you will give her an opportunity to EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS. Tell her you will not settle for a loveless marriage and what she has done has caused enormous damage. You will give her a chance to redeem herself.

In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. eliminate the conditions that led to the affair, ie: delete facebook, etc

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships - no nights apart

4. complete honesty about her affair � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

AMEN! Like Bob Pure once said, "exposure changed me from a SERF into a KNIGHT." He ran off the OM and saved his marriage, btw. He felt just like you, paralyzed by fear. But he got up and acted in defense of his marriage and his family DESPITE his fears. That is how a warrior acts, and that is what you did today, Sir!

She was NOT happy. Now she doesn't want to have contact with anyone who she thinks will confront her about it.

She wants me to cancel plans I had for us on Mother's Day


You ruined her fantasy! It's just no fun anymore....and now it's downright embarrassing...

SW--

Amen to that...

After exposure, my daughter said I did the right thing in standing up for our family, adn that 20 years from now, they (my kids) will remember what i did to keep the family together..

Not soon after that, my W actually thanked ME for exposing the A -- getting OM fired from job and putting an end to it because she couldn't on her own...

I would've never believed this if I hadn't heard it myself. thanks.

Great job, Shattered!

This is what they all do.

But this is part of the reason why you don't want to save any of your exposure "just in case" for later. That usually doesn't work out too well. You want to get it all done now while she is angry. It is better to do overkill rather than under, KWIM?

So just to make sure, have you gotten in touch with OMW? OM parents? Will you be telling your kids later today?

Sorry if you answered this, I didn't see it but I am also trying to do two things at once...

He has a very distinct last name. I messaged everyone I could find on Facebook with that last name that is associated with him.

He lives two states away and I don't know much about him other than what I've found through my own snooping.

My kids are in school and I work nights. I haven't told them yet.

Suggested response:

"You are the woman I love.
You are the mother our children love.
We have much to celebrate.
As far as the children and I are concerned, the M-Day plans are still on."

Of course she may refuse.

Do the activity without her if she refuses.

Can you call his house and see if a woman answers? Have you tried looking up his martial status on any of the people finders like intelius or peoplefinder? If you can get her name, you could look her up on facebook.

He has a cell phone. I have that number. I think he is separated from his spouse. I saw mention of some kind of custody fight he is in in some of their messages.

Just because he writes something to your wife does not make it true.

A "separation/custody battle" may be big news to his wife.

Infidels lie to each other all the time.

"Separated" means married. This is how married people attract adultery partners. See if you can find a landline phone # on whitepages.com. Also go plug his name into intelius.com and peoplefinder.com to see if a wife comes up.

My thoughts exactly. He was definitely not forthcoming with my wife. I had the distinct impression that everything he said to her was "BS". I also strongly felt that she was his other woman.