This may not be true, OM have a tendency to lie about this. You could check that state's judicial branch website to see if you can do a case lookup.

But I would let her know even if they are separating. You need to find her home number...

I guess there wouldn't be a case filed if they were separating so ignore that last post. See, I shouldn't be trying to post when I am working, LOL.

Track down the OMW, this would be priority # 1 if I were you right now...

Shattered, You just won a major battle on this war when exposure is all done. You just attacked Pearl Harbor so to speak.
But the war is just beginning so plan the war. The plans is all here from Dr H. If you can do it get some counselling from the Harley's for you and your WW.
I know you dont want to go back to where you were in your M. Most Affairs are from a lack of emotional needs not being met. Make sure you never fail that goal again and make sure she is accountable with your ENs.
Recovery is a long hard road but achievable. I have seen the proof. But recovery requires "raising the bar" in your M. Or you will just go back to the same old M and waiting on this to happen again. It did with me. I let it go back without the resolve to have expectations from my WW and myself.
I use this site daily to remind myself that I have to keep that Bar raised.

Keep up the pressure man!

Well, now she is crying in bed. Not really talking.

She has succumbed to the guilt she is feeling. Said she would never kill herself but she feels like dieing and can never forgive herself for what she did to me. Says she doesn't see how I can ever forgive her and doesn't expect me to. Says she is shamed and embarrassed.

How do I proceed???

Lay out the plan I outlined above. I will post it again. But tell her when your kids get home you are going to tell them the truth about the affair. That will help you forgive her. [this will help your whole family] Ask her to send loserboy a no contact letter that is written together and approved by you. [I will post a sample in the next post] Here is my post again:

Set her down in the next couple of days and let her know that you will give her an opportunity to EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS. Tell her you will not settle for a loveless marriage and what she has done has caused enormous damage. You will give her a chance to redeem herself.

In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. eliminate the conditions that led to the affair, ie: delete facebook, etc

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships - no nights apart

4. complete honesty about her affair � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

You continue to show kindness and an ear , listen and listen again , she must feel safe talking to you. She is sorry for herself and while not admitting it to you may be longing for the OM.

At the same time do not drop your guard , if your WW and the OM make contact any recovery is lost. Track that mans family down, find his parents and wife , you must ensure he is out of the picture completely.

ditto..

Something like this:

Pepper, that's almost exactly what I said verbatim.

She is expressing extreme shame, remorse, and embarrassment.

She says she doesn't think she's worthy of my love or forgiveness.

She's expressed that she doesn't love or forgive herself and never will.

She thinks that everyone I exposed this to is now in judgement of her and will never treat her the same.

She does indeed feel that I "took control" away from her.

She said that she was in the process of ending it and that had I just told her everything I knew without the exposure, she would have immediately ended it.

I can't help but feel like I'm going to somehow be painted as a bad guy here.

On a related note, HE responded to my message with threats of forwarding all correspondence he has ever received from her to all of my family and all of her family.

Great for you she is acting this way VS anger. Nice! I dont usually log on in the PM so to not give up UA time with DW. But I seen your post and had too.
Pearl harbor is burning and disabled now track down those few escaping ships and torpedo them. OMW,OM parents ETC. Critical you finish up soon.
Vital that you do what Melody said and be kind and caring. Hard to do when po'ed I know.
Not a bad days work for you. It seems your well on your way to killing this A. But as everyone else has said. Keep your eyes and ears open. But also dont take your eyes off the prize ( a recovered fulfilling marriage) This will be hard work and resentment is sure to peak in at you from time to time. Vent here and not on her.
Also its hard to do everything at once. Take little bites its the only way you can eat an elephant.

All of this is pretty typical words from a WW. Blow it off. You cant be painted as the bad guy.
I would have told OM to feel free it would save me the trouble!

SH, she would not have ended her affair on her own. That much is true. And yes, you should have taken control away from her when she is doing something destructive. It is like a drunk driver who wants to drive. The responsible thing to do it take away her keys.

I am getting concerned that you are not finishing up your exposures which is going to enable to affair to continue. The affair is much more likely to continue if you don't expose to the OM's wife and to your children. PLEASE get ahold of the OM's wife NOW before he gets to her first and spins the story. Don't stop while you have the affair on the ropes or you will lose. They will get back up.

She can forgive herself if she earns it. There is not much to respect when a person behaves as badly as she does. And hopefully she won't "love" herself, that would be narcissism. Waywards are selfish and self centered enough.


Exactly. People can judge that adultery is wrong. If they can't they are messed up. Some might not treat her the same. That is a consequence of adultery. It is a shameful act.


This is bullcrap. It is the drunk driver who claims he was going to quit on his own. The key thing is that she DIDN'T quit on her own despite having numerous chances.


Do you worry that you will painted as the bad guy when you take the car keys away from a falling down drunk? That is all that is happening here. You interfered with the addicts fix. So of course you are the bad guy.


Get ahold of his wife TODAY.

I heard something similar (process of ending it). And I heard it more than once. And it was lie every time.
Of course you are the bad guy - you ruined her affair!


Well - isn't it nice! OM who volunteers to complete exposure and by that ensures the destruction of the affair! If he does that (which I highly doubt), it will be actually good thing.

But I think he hopes to scare you away from exposing to his wife. Do NOT answer to his threats in any way, find his wife and speak to her personally.

You are doing great until now but not exposing OMW is huge mistake. Hurry.

Well, I have no way of knowing if he has a wife. He lives two states away where I know nobody. My gut tells me he has a "baby momma", not a wife. Either way, I've contacted everyone who I could find a family relation to him with my exposure letter. That's going to have to be good enough.

Google, google and search. Call back to his employer and ask what they know. Take a ad out in the local paper. But this must be done.

Hire a PI where OM lives.
Wife?
Criminal record?
etc ....

You can "buy peace of mind" this way.

Hello SH,

You have done a great job with exposure so far but you must NOT stop until you find the OM wife or significant other.

He WILL spin a story to her if you don't do it quickly and she is VITAL to you for information and watching the OM's actions.

A great website for doing this is www.peoplelookup.com

It is free and will show you the cities he has lived in and possible relatives and girlfriends he has lived with.

My daughter used it to bust a friend of hers married boyfriend.

Give it a try and DO NOT STOP until you find her.

Good luck!!!

God bless.

Jim