Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 18 of 29 1 2 16 17 18 19 20 28 29
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted by hurtagainbydavid
...Reading your thoughts reminds me of my WH, who is trying so hard to recover our marriage. He has told me that he thinks about the OW and he feels so bad about that. This is very painful for me, but I understand that he doesn't have control over his thoughts and I have told him that.
Hurtagain, you misunderstand. I would encourage you to please reconsider your above line of advice in view of MarriageBuilders concepts -- especially the concept that developing, cultivating, and rebuilding romantic love is not merely or even mostly about feelings, but very much about actions.

Bear with me for a mo' while I try to explain:

Strugglingaz, as well as your own WH, may not be able to avoid having thoughts of their affair-partners pop into their minds. As a FWH myself, I certainly understand & empathize with that. However, they do most certainly have it in their power to control how they react & respond to those thoughts.

I heartily suggest that you read a thread titled "Managing memories and dealing w/triggers" (http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454&page=1) by a poster named Mark1952. It is one of the most enlightening posts I have seen, and it was a huge help to me personally. Strugglinaz needs to read it -- and not just read it, but practice it. Maybe you & your husband should give it a look, too.

Mark1952's post cites an additional link here (which may have been one of his sources):
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html

I have trained my mind so that whenever I think of my ex-OW, I am able to very quickly think of how deviously she deceived my wife... how completely she disregarded & disconsidered the very humanity of my wife, who was my first lover & the mother of my children... how at the very end, OW actually tried very directly to break up my family. [That's not to minimize my own role in my affair one iota; but fond thoughts of myself were only a minor danger to my marriage compared to fond thoughts of OW.]

Strugglinaz needs to be doing the same. She needs to practice the discipline of active & reactive memory-management, so that when she thinks of her OM(s), she thinks immediately of the thug whom I figuratively described in my previous post on this thread. Or something similarly sinister and pernicious.

If she does this, she should feel revulsion and, if she has a conscience, remorse & a desire to make amends, which should help lead her to positive actions toward her husband -- which in turn will feed a virtuous circle of need-meeting on both of their parts.


Originally Posted by hurtagainbydavid
...Anyway, I think you should just focus on the basics...emotional needs and keeping NC (all NC including texts, FB, etc.). Your emotional needs aren't being met the way you like them met. Maybe you aren't being honest with your H or maybe you aren't being honest with yourself, regardless, this is about YOUR needs. That's all there is to it. Tell your H how to meet your needs. That's all. smile
Well of course her husband can't fully meet her needs right now. For one, she is still allowing her thoughts of OM to be positive thoughts. Instead of tossing those thoughts out of her emotional-needs "glass" like the poison they are, she allows them to sit in there, so that when her H tries to meet her needs, his deposits can't fill up her emotional "glass" -- because the "glass" already has other junk in it. Besides, since she is failing at the Rule of Protection, by not fully implementing EPs, he is very scared of allowing himself to be either emotionally vulnerable to her or confident around her. In short, she is not allowing him the latitude & safe space he needs in order to best meet her needs.

She can change this equation, but it requires action on her part: Action to get honest & implement EPs to the very best of her ability, and action to practice the thought-management discipline I described above so that it becomes a positive & edifying habit.


Originally Posted by hurtagainbydavid
...Good Luck.
"Luck" hasn't much to do with marital recovery, hurtagain. It's not about feelings -- and please don't take this personally (because I know you are fairly new around here) -- but it is poor & counterproductive advice to suggest to a truly struggling wayward spouse that she has no control over her feelings, as if that's what's most important. What's most important is that we do have control over how we choose to react to our feelings. And we need to not just sit there & hope that our feelings will improve; rather, we (as wayward spouses) need to exercise the control that we do have.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
I will add that a Plan A is meeting a WS's ENs, and meeting them well. There is merit in that, hurtagain, you're right, in that it increases the BS's deposits in the WS's LB$.

I just get verrrrrry wary around talk that can be interpreted as a WS demanding unilateral increased EN-meeting.


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Mrs V, I started before you, but I'm too wordy, so you beat me to the finish. hurray Great post.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Originally Posted by GloveOil
I heartily suggest that you read a thread titled "Managing memories and dealing w/ triggers" (http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454&page=1) by a poster named Mark1952. It is one of the most enlightening posts I have seen, and it was a huge help to me personally. Strugglinaz needs to read it -- and not just read it, but practice it. Maybe you & your husband should give it a look, too.

You beat me to the link - required reading, IMHO.


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Originally Posted by GloveOil
Mrs V, I started before you, but I'm too wordy, so you beat me to the finish. hurray Great post.

Thank you, and same to you. We can all combine our collective MB muscles, and maybe something will get through... weightlifter


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Great posts, Gloveoil, MrsW and MrsVanilla. Strugglinginaz, you are getting great advice here from the some of the best and I hope you listen. Entertaining negative thoughts about a pig pen affair is going to avail you nothing. Train your mind to re-focus on recovery of your marriage. Even talking about that smut will keep you triggered, so I would avoid that all costs.

Rather, I would keep your focus on tending the wounds of your victim and creating a romantic relationship with him. Building a great marriage with your H will replace any residual pig pen fantasies, I assure you. That is - IF - you are not looking him up on facebook or other places and keeping yourself triggered. EVery time you look up the scumbum on FB puts you back to Day 1 of withdrawal.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Thanks Mrs Vanilla and Glove Oil,

I agree with everything you said. I guess I'm just not good at getting my thoughts across in writing yet. blush

I did not intend to imply that she shouldn't meet her DH's needs, only that she needs to tell him how to meet her needs. Once her needs are met the way she needs them met, she will be more interested in meeting his needs. I had noticed that she seemed more focused on meeting his needs, but not at all concerned about getting her own needs met by him. This is something that can easily be adjusted.

My comment about thinking about the AP was also not clear and I apologize for that. I only meant that I don't think she (and my H) can control when those thoughts pop into their head. However, I agree that once the thought pops into their head, they can control what they do with those thoughts.

Like you said, I'm new here and I guess I need to get better at being clearer with my thoughts. Thanks for clarifying. Thats the nice thing about this board, if one person can't get the idea across, we can all work together to get it out there.




Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Bumping because I'm sure strugglingaz had a great, productive, UA-filled weekend w/ her BH, and we're dying to hear all about it! grin


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Originally Posted by strugglingaz
Yes, so I will stick to my own thread, but will not post any further on here. It does me no good, as my questions do not get answered, rather people jump to assumptions thinking I look the OM up on FB constantly or am having a secret second life or whatever else comes up because I admitted that I still think about him. I feel like I am married to my H and ten thousand other people who want to point fingers. I know that this is extremely difficult for my BH, but its not a frickin' cake walk for me either and the emotional roller coaster I am experiencing.

Who wants to bet she is still in C?

One way, two way...who cares. Contact is contact.

Last edited by MarriedForever; 05/02/11 05:55 PM.

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
I have been thinking the same thing, MF... frown


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Strugglin,

Are you still at least reading what is being written? I know you said you were going to, but we can't see who's on the other side of the screen. I am curious how things are going.

CV


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
strugglin~

How about an update? How are you doing? I'd really appreciate it if you'd respond to me -- I'd consider it a personal favor - pretty please? smile

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
Originally Posted by MarriedForever
Who wants to bet she is still in C?
She is, in some way.

She is as fogged out as my WW was during her A. I see a lot of "that" person in this poster.

I am so glad "That" person no longer exists.


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
I'm a newbie but I've wanted to post to you since last week. I was travelling with my H (EP) and got to read your part of your thread.

I just want to let you know that there is HOPE if you stand firm in no contact. I'm several months with NC with OM. I wanted to forget about him but he kept on creeping back (sometimes in my dreams). It was very hard for me but I knew that if there was contact that I'm back to square one. I made a CHOICE not to think of him. Instead I/we worked on recovering our triple tsunami.

Whenever I think of OM, I would read books, do intense workout (no choice but to focus) and read here. Don't give in to temptation to 'check up' on him. Don't reset to day one. There is no future there. Work on recovery instead. You've been given a chance of recovery. TAKE IT!!! Don't look back.

When I think of OM (now), I think how foolish I was to fall in that trap. How can I be so stupid and have been used. But I don't dwell on that too much. Recovery is my focus and that's what you need to focus on.

Hopefully you're still reading your thread and that there's a lot of people here that cares about you and your marriage. Stand firm, you can do this!


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Very nice post, Lost2010nomore.

I wonder if we're all jumping the gun a bit here. Just as Lost2010 made a CHOICE not to think of the OM, strugglingaz must first make a CHOICE to recover her marriage.

That choice seems to either be wavering or unmade. Please tell me I'm wrong, strugglingaz.

Last edited by Mrs_Vanilla; 05/05/11 07:36 PM. Reason: typo

Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 6,316
strugglin~

I just told this story to a friend of mine the other day, it's something I hadn't thought about in quite a few years, but something she said made me think of it, tonight I thought about that conversation again realized that it might help you, so I'll tell it again.

I have an illness that supposedly can impact my memory [it's nothing life threatening, btw]. Anyway, when I was first diagnosed with it, naturally I was concerned and to be honest it consumed me for a while -- I talked about it a lot and mentioned frequently that it caused memory loss -- I began to dwell on that and would make statements like, "Well you know my memory isn't what it used to be"...Finally my mom told me to knock it off. She said, the more you dwell on it and speak of it, the more likely it is to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What my mom said made sense to me, and I vowed that day to STOP IT. Today I have no problems with my memory at all. Actually, I have a pretty exceptional memory.

strugglin, my point is that you can do anything you set your mind to do. You control you. That is a very empowering thing once you realize it and seize it.

I really am looking forward to hearing from you.

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 851
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 851
struggling, there are a lot of wonderful people on this forum who can help you. Mrs. W is right, you can do anything you set your mind to, and if your BH is willing, there isn't anywhere you can't go.

I might not have a recovered M, but that isn't from me not wanting it. I'd love to be able to help you achieve that goal.

Please don't give up.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 118
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 118
How do you send personal messages on here?


Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 118
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 118
So Gack, I see on your information, D-Day was 2008 and its 2011 and the fog still remains in a patch or two?? That doesn't leave me much hope.


Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by strugglingaz
So Gack, I see on your information, D-Day was 2008 and its 2011 and the fog still remains in a patch or two?? That doesn't leave me much hope.

Fog remaining in a patch or two is still a big improvement for most of us. smile I think Mr. Wondering has a good post somewhere about how we are all subject to fog (even betrayed spouses), and how somebody pointing out our areas of fog can be helpful.

It takes awhile for our thinking and our actions to adjust to new beliefs and a change in "inputs".

By the way, private messages are disabled on this site.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Page 18 of 29 1 2 16 17 18 19 20 28 29

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 44 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,805
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5