Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 20. We have two daugthers, 13 and 9. About 3 years ago we were having some problems and I moved out for about 3 weeks. During this time I had an affair with a coworker that lasted a couple of weeks. My problems were mostly caused my own doing. I told my wife everything and she took me back.

About two years ago I found out my wife had been talking all of the time on the phone with the husband of a couple we were friends with. I confronted them and they said they were just friends and they were able to discuss each others problems. I know he likes to talk for hours on the phone (and is more like a girlfriend) and talks with several other women like that. I meant mention, neither of them work, but his wife does as do I.

I found out last week that they have been having an affair for almost two years. She seems to think they were in love. He has now turned on her 100% and makes it look like she was more of the agressor, but I know he is a lying sack of sh*t. He has really thrown her under the bus. This is a personality disorder he has and he has ruined most relationships he has ever had...it is either love or hate.

I have dealt with her being emotionally not all there for me the last two years and I really want to make this work. I have been faithful for the three years since i did this, and that was the only time. I regret what I did everyday.

My problem is this...i am smothering her right now and I don't know how to not do that. I keep checking the phone records to see if she is texting him and if so I ask to see them. She has shown me all but one, and he is rarely replying and when he does he is kind of hateful to her. I have also talked to him on the phone a couple of times and he is trying to make it sound like he was in it for the sex and because she pumped his ego...and yes I am ready to do some major physical harm to him...and he worries about that because he is not real big and physical, and I am about 6'3" and 260 lbs...he has apparently always been afraid of me. But what I am doing when I talk to him is just trying to get some information...and they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

All of this came about 7 days ago. He is supposedly going to try and work things out with his wife, but my wife says she needs to get over this before we can work on "us". I know she feels betrayed and is pissed that she got duped. Everyone that meets him thinks he is an ******. I am trying to not smother her the last few days, but it has been hard. She said she would not ever go back to him because she could not trust him...plus he is pretty vindictive. I tell her they lived in a fantasy world every day...neither of them worked, did not have any worries when they were together, etc. Maybe that is why they never really concocted a plan for their future together.

I know I have neglected alot of my wifes needs emotionally the last three years being caught up in my own problems.

What do I do now? I am still at home, she still says I love you like before...but when I go to work I start to worry and keep going online and checking the phone records for texts, and texting her constantly...she tells me to quit and I can't. I gave my phone to a coworker today and have not checked the phone records. She told me she will tell me if she contacts him...she has been more than honest since this all came out (more details than I needed to hear). She has also been an honest person for the 20 years we have been together and gets furious with people who lie.

I am reading the book Her Needs, His Needs now, and I can see that the emotional needs that I thought that were important are not the same as hers...which according to the book is the case with most marriages...and can be fixed pretty easy.

She says there is no way they would ever be together again, but she is looking for closure and I think she is furious that he turned on her. Might also say that he has had an obsession for her since we met about three years ago, and I think he regards her as an object.

And by the way, if I do see him, which I probably will because our kids go to school together...I want to tear him limb from limb but hopefully I wonlt.

Looking for advice.

Thanks

Last edited by hurtinfl123; 05/06/11 07:09 PM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
You might want to click notify and have this moved to Surviving an affair - sorry for your situation!


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 20. We have two daugthers, 13 and 9. About 3 years ago we were having some problems and I moved out for about 3 weeks. During this time I had an affair with a coworker that lasted a couple of weeks. My problems were mostly caused my own doing. I told my wife everything and she took me back.

About two years ago I found out my wife had been talking all of the time on the phone with the husband of a couple we were friends with. I confronted them and they said they were just friends and they were able to discuss each others problems. I know he likes to talk for hours on the phone (and is more like a girlfriend) and talks with several other women like that. I meant mention, neither of them work, but his wife does as do I.

I found out last week that they have been having an affair for almost two years. She seems to think they were in love. He has now turned on her 100% and makes it look like she was more of the agressor, but I know he is a lying sack of sh*t. He has really thrown her under the bus. This is a personality disorder he has and he has ruined most relationships he has ever had...it is either love or hate.

I have dealt with her being emotionally not all there for me the last two years and I really want to make this work. I have been faithful for the three years since i did this, and that was the only time. I regret what I did everyday.

My problem is this...i am smothering her right now and I don't know how to not do that. I keep checking the phone records to see if she is texting him and if so I ask to see them. She has shown me all but one, and he is rarely replying and when he does he is kind of hateful to her. I have also talked to him on the phone a couple of times and he is trying to make it sound like he was in it for the sex and because she pumped his ego...and yes I am ready to do some major physical harm to him...and he worries about that because he is not real big and physical, and I am about 6'3" and 260 lbs...he has apparently always been afraid of me. But what I am doing when I talk to him is just trying to get some information...and they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

All of this came about 7 days ago. He is supposedly going to try and work things out with his wife, but my wife says she needs to get over this before we can work on "us". I know she feels betrayed and is pissed that she got duped. Everyone that meets him thinks he is an ******. I am trying to not smother her the last few days, but it has been hard. She said she would not ever go back to him because she could not trust him...plus he is pretty vindictive. I tell her they lived in a fantasy world every day...neither of them worked, did not have any worries when they were together, etc. Maybe that is why they never really concocted a plan for their future together.

I know I have neglected alot of my wifes needs emotionally the last three years being caught up in my own problems.

What do I do now? I am still at home, she still says I love you like before...but when I go to work I start to worry and keep going online and checking the phone records for texts, and texting her constantly...she tells me to quit and I can't. I gave my phone to a coworker today and have not checked the phone records. She told me she will tell me if she contacts him...she has been more than honest since this all came out (more details than I needed to hear). She has also been an honest person for the 20 years we have been together and gets furious with people who lie.

I am reading the book Her Needs, His Needs now, and I can see that the emotional needs that I thought that were important are not the same as hers...which according to the book is the case with most marriages...and can be fixed pretty easy.

She says there is no way they would ever be together again, but she is looking for closure and I think she is furious that he turned on her. Might also say that he has had an obsession for her since we met about three years ago, and I think he regards her as an object.

And by the way, if I do see him, which I probably will because our kids go to school together...I want to tear him limb from limb but hopefully I wonlt.

Looking for advice.

Thanks

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Does his wife know everything about the affair? Has the affair been exposed to your kids and family members?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
His wife does know about it and they are "supposedly" going to try and work things out. This is a family we have gone on vacations with, etc. As I said before, he does not work. His wife is a teacher, and her family has money and provides them support. This guy has always rubbed me the wrong way and always seems to end up bitter enemies with anyone he deals with. He is always coming up with some Internet business that never does anything, and he is enemies with everyone of his former partners. And he can really lay on the BS. I think my wife felt sorry for him since most people think he is an a-hole and she said that "no one knows him like I do". I am trying to convince her that they were living in a fantasy world, but I don't think she wants to admit that she was duped. She always prides herself on being such a good judge of character. Have not told our kids yet. They told their oldest daughter, but then again they share everything with their kids...even many things their kids have no business knowing.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Yes, your children need to know.

And ~ ready for this one? ~ you need to move. Immediately, if not sooner. You need to put as much distance as is humanly possible between your W and her AP. Are you neighbors or just live in the same town? Not that it matters, you will need to move and have ZERO contact with this family. Your children cannot even be friends, unfortunately.

We have heard all of the excuses, so don't bother. We moved out of state to hide from the OW in our situation. Where there is a will, there is a way.

If you want to save your M, this NC is the very first step.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
she said that "no one knows him like I do".

The correct response to this is, "Actually, you are the only one that doesn't know him."


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
His wife does know about it and they are "supposedly" going to try and work things out. This is a family we have gone on vacations with, etc. As I said before, he does not work. His wife is a teacher, and her family has money and provides them support. This guy has always rubbed me the wrong way and always seems to end up bitter enemies with anyone he deals with. He is always coming up with some Internet business that never does anything, and he is enemies with everyone of his former partners. And he can really lay on the BS. I think my wife felt sorry for him since most people think he is an a-hole and she said that "no one knows him like I do". I am trying to convince her that they were living in a fantasy world, but I don't think she wants to admit that she was duped. She always prides herself on being such a good judge of character. Have not told our kids yet. They told their oldest daughter, but then again they share everything with their kids...even many things their kids have no business knowing.

First off, this most certainly is your kids business since it affects their family. Whitewashing the bad behavior of your wife does not help your children and harms your wife. Your kids should be told TODAY. ALONE, by you. They have every right to know the truth..

Additionally, I would tell everyone in your family. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. It ruins the fantasy aspect of the affair.
.,m n
Quote
My problem is this...i am smothering her right now and I don't know how to not do that. I keep checking the phone records to see if she is texting him and if so I ask to see them. She has shown me all but one, and he is rarely replying and when he does he is kind of hateful to her. I have also talked to him on the phone a couple of times and he is trying to make it sound like he was in it for the sex and because she pumped his ego...and yes I am ready to do some major physical harm to him...and he worries about that because he is not real big and physical, and I am about 6'3" and 260 lbs...he has apparently always been afraid of me. But what I am doing when I talk to him is just trying to get some information...and they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I would put a stop to her texting even if you have to cancel the phone. Do what you have to do and most certainly continue snooping. When you find evidence of contact, contact the OMW but you should DEMAND that she end all contact. Does the OMW know she is still chasing her H? Has she confronted your wife herself? That might be helpful if she did.

Originally Posted by From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Dr. Harley on telling the children:

Quote
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here

Quote
Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.


Quote
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

Quote
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

Quote
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
I am not sure if his wife knows they habe obeen on contact. But he has not really replied, but that is not out of character for him . My wife cant get over the.fact that he is making it seem like something so not important, and that is pissing her off. She has trouble letting things like that go. I habe told her that if she contacts hom or he contacts her, then i want to see it..and i can see the phone activity so i will know. He says he wants nothong to do with her and wants to fix his marriage. Remember, he does not work and my wife jas been a stay at home mom for 13 years. Drops kids off in the morning then has 7 hours of free time. I have never trusted him. I think he is getting scared at the thought of "reality"...no jobs for either of them, five kids between both families, bills to pay without jobs...all the crap i deal with on a day to day basis working not one but TWO jobs. He has no education or career to fall back on. I have an MBA so i can usually find something if i ever lost my job. And here i am begging her to stay. The biggest problem is i did not give her the attention and moral support she was looking for...and i see that now...and that is more important to her than a fancy car or house.

Thanks for all of your support...just looking for hope.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Please click the "carrot/stick" link in my sig line ...

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
hurtinfl123,

Sorry you are here, but I would strongly encourage you to read the articles on this site. I would also like to suggest that you are not at fault for her affair anymore than she is at fault for your affair.

It is hard to have a good relationship when your spouse is in an affair, and it is unlikely that the rocky last two years had much to do with you and a lot to do with your W.

I hope that you have exposed the OM to his W. Do not take the word of the OM or your W that she knows or that she knows everything. Call her and talk to her yourself.

Your W may have been in love/lust/heat/running. What are you going to do if that is true? What do you really want?

Your marriage was poor before your affair, your affair made it worse. Her affair then added more problems and now she thinks she loves OM.

Do either of you really want to remain married? If you do there are ways using the tools on this site to do that, but you cannot force her to do anything anymore than she can force you.

Your W has lied to you for over 2 years and while this is all new to you, the lies are going to be harder to get over than the sex. What is your plan? What is your W's plan?

You both really need to rethink what marriage is about, and you both need to develop better coping skills. Having an affair is not effective in dealing with marriage problems. You both need to improve your communications skills and with that learn how to communicate your needs and your goals for your life.

There is so much to say, but first read the artilces, here. Your W is in withdrawal. Harley likens an affair to someone becoming addicted to drugs. To stop the addiction no contact is required and that means by any method, NO CONTACT WITH OM. Then she will go through withdrawal and it could last a month of more depending on the depth of the affair.

Read, prepare, come and talk, and then develop a plan.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
We talked for quite a while tonight. It has been a week since everything came out, and every day has been different. She is tellimg me tonight that although she realizes her affair is over, she has realized that she there is much more happiness out there, and she does not know if she will be able to be satisfied with anything less. Will this pass? Will she ever realize she was living in a fantasy world, and that reality is not always perfect. She says she needs to figure this out before we move on with her and i. Remember, i did this 3 years ago and i wanted nothimg to do with her for about three weeks. She wants me to just let her try to figure things out before we get to discussing her and i.

Just as confused as ever...ugh. But i know i put her through at least this much 3 years ago. I think she is stronger than me emotionally.

Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
I found out last week that they have been having an affair for almost two years. She seems to think they were in love. He has now turned on her 100% and makes it look like she was more of the agressor, but I know he is a lying sack of sh*t. He has really thrown her under the bus. This is a personality disorder he has and he has ruined most relationships he has ever had...it is either love or hate.

I have dealt with her being emotionally not all there for me the last two years and I really want to make this work. I have been faithful for the three years since i did this, and that was the only time. I regret what I did everyday.

That is a good start. Now you need to start meeting her emotional needs. There is a questionnaire on the site you can ask her to fill out. While you are there, fill one out too. I would suggest you also order surviving an affair.



Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
My problem is this...i am smothering her right now and I don't know how to not do that. I keep checking the phone records to see if she is texting him and if so I ask to see them. She has shown me all but one, and he is rarely replying and when he does he is kind of hateful to her. I have also talked to him on the phone a couple of times and he is trying to make it sound like he was in it for the sex and because she pumped his ego...and yes I am ready to do some major physical harm to him...and he worries about that because he is not real big and physical, and I am about 6'3" and 260 lbs...he has apparently always been afraid of me. But what I am doing when I talk to him is just trying to get some information...and they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I would suggest not spamming her with texts. Checking phone records is not enough either. There is a forum about spy software and hardware that would benefit you. As for keeping your enemies closer, think about Julius Caesar. it didn't end well between he and Brutus. Also, having been in your shoes, I would suggest that you not give in to pounding him like he deserves. I did it and truthfully it only serves to fuel your anger more. Keep him scared though. it may be the one thing that slows or prevents contact. Both the OMs were terrified of me, the 2nd used to torture my fww telling her he would "rat them out" if she didn't do this or that. You need to *maybe* have one sit down with him (I would suggest a public place if you feel the urge to wring his neck), talk calmly and get whatever info you feel you need and break all contact yourself. And tell his wife they are still in contact.

Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
All of this came about 7 days ago. He is supposedly going to try and work things out with his wife, but my wife says she needs to get over this before we can work on "us". I know she feels betrayed and is pissed that she got duped.

Of course she does. He is busting her fantasy.

Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
What do I do now? I am still at home, she still says I love you like before...but when I go to work I start to worry and keep going online and checking the phone records for texts, and texting her constantly...she tells me to quit and I can't. I gave my phone to a coworker today and have not checked the phone records. She told me she will tell me if she contacts him...she has been more than honest since this all came out (more details than I needed to hear). She has also been an honest person for the 20 years we have been together and gets furious with people who lie.

I am reading the book Her Needs, His Needs now, and I can see that the emotional needs that I thought that were important are not the same as hers...which according to the book is the case with most marriages...and can be fixed pretty easy.

She says there is no way they would ever be together again, but she is looking for closure and I think she is furious that he turned on her. Might also say that he has had an obsession for her since we met about three years ago, and I think he regards her as an object.

And by the way, if I do see him, which I probably will because our kids go to school together...I want to tear him limb from limb but hopefully I wonlt.

Looking for advice.

Thanks

Beware! She may not be looking for closure. She may be trying to get him back. Objectifying is part of the affair. They both did it. best thing to do is to start reading the articles on the site while you wait for your copy of SAA to arrive.

CV


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
We talked for quite a while tonight. It has been a week since everything came out, and every day has been different. She is tellimg me tonight that although she realizes her affair is over, she has realized that she there is much more happiness out there, and she does not know if she will be able to be satisfied with anything less. Will this pass? Will she ever realize she was living in a fantasy world, and that reality is not always perfect. She says she needs to figure this out before we move on with her and i. Remember, i did this 3 years ago and i wanted nothimg to do with her for about three weeks. She wants me to just let her try to figure things out before we get to discussing her and i.

Just as confused as ever...ugh. But i know i put her through at least this much 3 years ago. I think she is stronger than me emotionally.

If she was stronger than you, she wouldn't have cheated. She is in what everyone here calls a "fog". She is still caught in that fantasy and hasn't been gripped by the truth of what she's done yet. The fact is, divorce brings misery. She thinks that there is some benefit to the affair.

Hurtin, I feel for you. I was in your shoes 3 years ago. You are in the middle of fallout from a nuclear bomb that just went off 7 days ago. Remember something, we have a saying here at the voyager household... 3 rights make a left, but 2 wrongs never make a right. Your A is NOT an excuse for what she did and is still doing. Your sin was yours, but hers is hers.

A bit of man-to-man advice... Get rid of her phone. Take charge of your household. It won't be easy, she will fight you on it. I suspect since your affair, you have probably struggled feeling like you could do this. but you have to set some clear boundaries to protect her and yourself. Otherwise, you will never find any peace or stability. Start by cancelling her phone. Break contact, make her break it too. completely, No e-mail contact, texts, phone, facebook, nada...

Stand strong, there's a lot of good people here who can help.

CV


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
About two years ago I found out my wife had been talking all of the time on the phone with the husband of a couple we were friends with. I confronted them and they said they were just friends and they were able to discuss each others problems. I know he likes to talk for hours on the phone (and is more like a girlfriend) and talks with several other women like that. I meant mention, neither of them work, but his wife does as do I.

This should have been a big red flag 2 years ago. How could you believe this lie?

Quote
I found out last week that they have been having an affair for almost two years. She seems to think they were in love. He has now turned on her 100% and makes it look like she was more of the agressor, but I know he is a lying sack of sh*t. He has really thrown her under the bus. This is a personality disorder he has and he has ruined most relationships he has ever had...it is either love or hate.

Hate to break this to you but your wife is every bit the lying 'sack' that the OM is. She is every bit complicit and is in fact more to blame than the OM. The OM made NO promises to you that he would protect your marriage and be faithful to you till death parts you.

Quote
I have dealt with her being emotionally not all there for me the last two years and I really want to make this work. I have been faithful for the three years since i did this, and that was the only time. I regret what I did everyday.


Well she wasn't there with you because she was having an affair. Again - with your first paragraph I'm surprised this went on so long.

Quote
My problem is this...i am smothering her right now and I don't know how to not do that. I keep checking the phone records to see if she is texting him and if so I ask to see them. She has shown me all but one, and he is rarely replying and when he does he is kind of hateful to her. I have also talked to him on the phone a couple of times and he is trying to make it sound like he was in it for the sex and because she pumped his ego...and yes I am ready to do some major physical harm to him...and he worries about that because he is not real big and physical, and I am about 6'3" and 260 lbs...he has apparently always been afraid of me. But what I am doing when I talk to him is just trying to get some information...and they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

If all the main facts of the affair are out, I recommend you BOTH (not just your wife) go NC with the OM. You are and will continue to obsess about the OM and talking to him only makes it worse for you. There is nothing further to be gained by you talking to him. Your Wife MUST be in 100% verifiable NO CONTACT with this OM. That means ANY kind of contact including text messages. Until she goes NC, she will not be in withdrawal at all (contrary to what JL said your wife is not in withdrawal because she is still in contact). The OM's attitude to your wife could be a smoke screen actually and they could even have a secret cell phone or other way of contacting each other. You should be snooping more right now, not less. Just as a matter of interest, do you have ANY contact with your other woman? When your wife goes 100% no contact, I would expect her to be in withdrawal for some months. A lot of emotional investment goes into a long 2 year affair and that will take a significant amount of time to break.

Your wife is also probably telling you what you want to hear right now - she doesn't hate OM she is craving for him. Duped? I think it's an act for your benefit.

Quote
All of this came about 7 days ago. He is supposedly going to try and work things out with his wife, but my wife says she needs to get over this before we can work on "us". I know she feels betrayed and is pissed that she got duped. Everyone that meets him thinks he is an ******. I am trying to not smother her the last few days, but it has been hard. She said she would not ever go back to him because she could not trust him...plus he is pretty vindictive. I tell her they lived in a fantasy world every day...neither of them worked, did not have any worries when they were together, etc. Maybe that is why they never really concocted a plan for their future together.

A fair amount of wishful thinking and hurt on your part here at the moment which is understandable.

What you must do right now is make sure everyone knows your wife is having an affair and that you want their help and support to save your marriage. This means friends, relatives, neighbours, pastors, parents etc. (on the OM's side as well as yours) If you want to keep this quiet the affair will go on. Many affairs end with a good dose of exposure. This will of course infuriate your wife but it can't be avoided.

Next your wife must go 100% no contact with the OM and it must be verified by you. Until she goes NC, the affair is kept alive in her mind and every contact (even an unanswered text message) resets the withdrawal clock back to zero again. There is no real recovery until she gets through withdrawal.

Quote
I know I have neglected alot of my wifes needs emotionally the last three years being caught up in my own problems.

Pep's Carrot and Stick will help you with this.

Quote
What do I do now? I am still at home, she still says I love you like before...but when I go to work I start to worry and keep going online and checking the phone records for texts, and texting her constantly...she tells me to quit and I can't. I gave my phone to a coworker today and have not checked the phone records. She told me she will tell me if she contacts him...she has been more than honest since this all came out (more details than I needed to hear). She has also been an honest person for the 20 years we have been together and gets furious with people who lie.

She's probably still hiding things from you. She will hide contact.

Quote
I am reading the book Her Needs, His Needs now, and I can see that the emotional needs that I thought that were important are not the same as hers...which according to the book is the case with most marriages...and can be fixed pretty easy.

Define easy...... This is a long process to recover from the affair. That book is a good start and will help you build romantic love in your marriage.

Quote
She says there is no way they would ever be together again, but she is looking for closure and I think she is furious that he turned on her. Might also say that he has had an obsession for her since we met about three years ago, and I think he regards her as an object.

Closure means she wants to say good bye (AKA bang him one more time). This is obviously a bad idea. WHo ended the affair? Her or him? Cos they would be together again if they could....

Quote
And by the way, if I do see him, which I probably will because our kids go to school together...I want to tear him limb from limb but hopefully I wonlt.

Hmm. In 5 years time you might still feel like this. But however good you think it might feel - resist it. It's not productive. You in Jail and him with your wife? Um... no.

All the best. Keep posting. I have been where you are now. Some of this may seem harsh but it's the absolute truth!


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Man, you are spending WAAAAAAAY too much time focussing on POSOM. Put together a package of all the evidence you have of the affair between your skank-wife and this bottom feeder. send it to OMW "personal, signature required" (using a phony legal-office return address might ensure HE doesn't intercept it) call her in about a week to make sure she got it, and NEVER THINK OF HIM, HIS FEELINGS, HIS NEUROSES, HIS RELATIVE SIZE, HIS FEELINGS ABOUT YOU (really?), HIS SHOE SIZE, OR ANYTHING ELSE, AGAIN.

Your total concentration is to be on your WW, and your joint efforts to repair your relationship. Get her SAA, get her reading the pertinent articles on this site, anbd get started.

Oh, BTW........ twoxfour

That's for implying that your affair had little/nothing to do with your wife's revenge action. It almost certainly did. The fact that WW picked a partner so diametrically opposed to you, thereby rejecting your effect on her self-image, jumps off the page here.

And for the love of God, change the title to "......EX-family friend..."

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
She has trouble letting things like that go. I habe told her that if she contacts hom or he contacts her, then i want to see it..and i can see the phone activity so i will know.

Why do you want to see it? Seeing it misses the point. You have to STOP THE CONTACT if you want to save your marriage. I would focus on stopping the contact. DEMAND that she stop contacting him. Expose the affair to your kids so she is put in a position of having to explain herself to your kids.

Quote
And here i am begging her to stay. The biggest problem is i did not give her the attention and moral support she was looking for...and i see that now...and that is more important to her than a fancy car or house.

The biggest problem is that she is having an affair, my friend. None of this other stuff you mention will end your marriage. I would stop begging and tell her if she doesn't end contact once and for all, that this will lead to divorce. You need to kill this affair if you want to save your marriage. Make sure everyone knows.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by hurtinfl123
She says there is no way they would ever be together again, but she is looking for closure and I think she is furious that he turned on her. Might also say that he has had an obsession for her since we met about three years ago, and I think he regards her as an object.

She is looking for closure sex. This is an excuse that waywards use to get together and have more sex. Just think how irrational that is? If you are "closing" something do you go have some more? Of course not. If she wanted to close something, she would.............close it. No, she wants to have closure sex and resume the affair. That is all this is about.

You need to get ahold of the OMW and inform her of all this. Step up your snooping!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 11
I have spoken with the OMW and I am very aware that she knows everything...apparently they both tried to end this several times, and the way it ended this time is between a phone call with my wife and the OMW. Apparently the OMW had suspected something and when they were on the phone the OM would not get on the phone and my wife answered the OMW's questions. The OM turned on my wife at that point and started to lie, but she was able to bust him in that and he finely came clean. I have talked to him a couple of times...mainly trying to pump him for information and I do want to keep him scared. I won't do anything to him (at least I hope not).

We talked last night and she is now saying that she has seen how happy she can be, etc. and does not know if that was real, or if she will be satisfied if she can't get that kind of happiness from me, etc.

Will she ever realize that she was in a fantasy world...neither had a job, did not have to worry about any day to day problems with each other...it was like a vacation.

Before I did this same thing three years ago, I went through something traumatic about a year before that when I lost a business, our home and a bunch of other stuff that devastated me. I became lost and took that out on everyone else. My wife told me I needed to see a therapist and I never did. I never forgave myself for what I did with the business and would lash out at others. WHen I left, I told her that I did not love her and I walked out on my wife and kids for about a month.

For the first time since this came out a week ago, I actually felt last night after we talked that there might be some hope for us to try to start over.

I am still lost.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5