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Joined: Oct 2009
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BCboy Offline OP
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Hi Guys
As some of you may know I volunteer at a Divorce Recovery Group and occasionally some of the guys want someone to talk to. I recently had a coffee with one of the guys who is trying to get over his separation with his wife. His wife currently is living with her new boyfriend. He told me he still meets occasionally with his wife and they are still being intimate.

I have stressed to him he should be having no contact with this woman if he is hoping to recover his marriage. However he says he cannot help himself and still wants to meet with her when he can. I told him he is sabotaging any chances he may have to recover his marriage as he is allowing her to cake eat big time.

My question is "WHY?" What is it that would cause a person to do this? Is there some psychological factor that would cause a person to do this? Have any of you run into this situation? Were you able to get through to them? What were you able to say that was effective in getting the concept through? Any ideas on how to get through to this guy?

Blessings
BCBoy

Joined: Nov 2003
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Originally Posted By: BCboy

My question is "WHY?" What is it that would cause a person to do this?


Love? Lust? Loneliness? Ignorance? Codependence? Or maybe a combination of them all?

You have done your part and offered him the information- it's now up to him to decide if he wants to take it or not. Have you directed him here & to Harley's books?

I know you mean well and want to help him, however you cannot put more into this than he's willing to, you will burn yourself out....ball's in his court.

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Ditto to what Sid said...perhaps he is trying to keep a connection with her by doing that, not realizing it will have the opposite affect. I agree, it is up to him and nothing you can do about it...he wants to listen/heed or he doesn't.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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BCboy Offline OP
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Thanks for the feedback. I just came back from coffee with him and told him that he can continue on but she will never respect him if he is willing to settle for crumbs by sharing his wife. I told him it was time to man up and move on. There are women out there that appreciate a good man, so act like one. His wife is behaving poorly, and I asked him why is he so desperate? I think it finally sunk in after I told him there is no point in discussing this further until he is ready to do what needs to be done and go dark Plan B.

Thanks guys. It helps to get another opinion to check ones thinking.

Joined: Jul 2010
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I'll toss this one in: Affirmation? Dealing with the rejection that you obviously weren't "good enough" can create a mighty big need for that. Depends on the person, but I know that I've battled these feelings.

I'll agree with "it has to be his decision". Obviously. Look at my sig. laugh

Let him know he's more than welcome to come to the D forum with questions, vents, rants, raves, and advice.


BH (me): 31WXW: 31 (Still in the house!)
Married: Jan 2005DS: 6 years old
DDay #1: 12 Mar 2008Failed Recovery #1: Jun 2008 - Jun 2010
DDay #2: 28 Jun 2010Failed Recovery #2: Aug 2010 - Sep 2010
Plan A/Limbo: Sep 2010 - 24 Jan 2011
DDay #3: 29 Jan 2011
On OM#4, that I know of...
D Filed: 11 Feb 2011
D Final: 10 Jun 2011 (still waiting on prop division & custody)

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

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