Your Taker has had enough.
Go dark whether you file or not.

Just go dark. Refocus to you. Enough of him for now and who knows what the future will eventually hold.

ITA with Reading.

Dark is the only way you're going to avoid getting dragged into his cesspool.

I have gone dark now. I'm just tired of all of this. I've been doing fine and this has just hurt me. I feel used and now I refuse to have anything to do with him. I have been thinking about filing for divorce on the way out of town when I go on vacation and let him be serve while I am gone. I just want all this to be over. He is going to be all alone. No me and no OW. So sorry, NOT!

Do what is good for you, go out with your head held high.

The heavy damage that alcoholism and denial does to families, here is another example. PR now has to plug the holes of loss and pain in her own self and children, and put her life in order, maintaining faith that all the hard work and dedication was worth it. Its a tough place to be, and even though she can see how she livedwas better because she sees Whs devestation, and how he has damaged so much, that is not what she started out working for, and not what she planned on in her marriage.

You remind me of my Mom, whereas in her strength and understanding, was also her weakness, if I can include myself in those honorable three, it reminds me of me also.

But good news PR, you have been realesed from the unholy union, and reflecting on my Mom, who was also married to a weak-minded man, I see a good future ahead for you. I mean no disrespect for my Dad, but being a mature adult and a good marriage partner were not His strong suits in relationships with others.

Let him go, get help with alanon to understand the complicated messes alcohol makes in families, keep seeing your IC, seek the counsel of other Godly like minded people, as God has placed them here to help where they can.

Above all let patience do her perfect work, and remember this scripture also.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.


God will help you overcome this and still have a full life with great things coming your way. He wants us to live more abundantly, such is why he sent his Son, to remove the guilt and shame of sin, because we could never bear it.

There are healthy forms of denial, and denying the negative and destructive thoughts that attack us is important for mental health. Its a shame that many use this as they want to deny truth at the same time, or thier own weakness as human beings.

Still hoping and praying for you too PR, may God bless you with a new day as you put yourself under his wing for now and hide in the cleft of the rock.

We shall overcome..

What was so bad before I left yesterday was that I told my H that he needed to quit smoking. He smokes 2 or more packs a day which is more than he smoked when he quit over 20years ago. I even told him that he needed to quit drinking too because he drinks too much. He told me he didn't drink a lot. Liar, my DD20's boyfriend told me that my H drank everyday. I took H to the store last night before I left and he came out of the store with a case of beer! I just shook my head. If he wants to kill himself then so be it. He'll have to do it alone. He hasn't faced reality and I don't ever think he will. It is such a shame because he was such a good man.

I understand more than you know, been there done that, seen it over and over too many times. We can't bear thier cross for them, they must go to it alone.

Does this sound familiar? Do you see that your are also a caretaker? I know how frustrating it can be to watch someone destroy themselves. You are protecting your children. let God take care of Him, us humans just can't help them anyways, once they lose respect for themselves and for us.

There is life and respect outside of this PR, above this crap you have been dragged into because of your heart of forgivenes and hard work.

Thanks everyone for everything. It is just so hard and I am so tired. I can't wait until it is all over with. I let myself get sucked back in because he was letting me think he was coming back. He said he wasn't but why tell me that his brother and sister were telling him to come home, why call and text me about everything, why ask me over, why ask me to stay with him, why text me at midnight and ask me over for lunch? Why, why, why? There was more but I am not going to list it. I feel like such a fool. All this has taught me a lesson and definitely made sure that I am no longer going to have any contact with him and that I am filing for divorce this month. I can no longer stay married to a self destructive person, I need to preserve my sanity and take care of me.

Why? Because he is a selfish mess, thats all you need to know, don't waste your time figuring it out for him.

Why? well as you said, you need to preserve your sanity. Its time for you now.

This is why Dr Harley does not recommend an extended Plan A.
Especially true for women.
Especially true when the WS has a substance abuse issue.

The BS will grow a deep hatred for the WS.

Yep or themselves, but the energy will go somewhere, it will destroy something, and what you think is still how much you love them, becomes something quite different and unhealthy all around.

Thx Pep, I,m still trying to nail down every way I allowed that crap to change my direction and outlook, and what you said helped me too.

Ok Phoenix, your screen name says what you are to do with your life. Rise again from ashes.

Now the situation with your wh is to be that of an addict and you can't repair anything as long as he's an alcoholic also addicted to cigarettes, which is an unhealthy lifestyle for even the kids or you to be around him in as secondhand smoke also kills. I know about this and see it at work all the time (the results of it).

Your wh should be given an ultimatum. If he wishes a divorce, then he keeps on as he is now. If he wishes to have a prayer of a chance to save his family, he is to check himself into a rehab and when he is finished with rehab (alcohol and cigs) then he can call Dr. Harley and see about beginning therapy for the marriage.

But you see, Phoenix you cannot change somebody else, only sadly enable them and or possibly slide further down WITH them. He has to want out of his hell. You can't pull him out. All you can do is encourage and pray but NOT ENABLE (fine line there).

It is time to detach from him. this time give him a plan B letter stating that the affair has helped him spiral downward into a shell of the life he used to have, and that you or the kids cannot be a part of it as it is now. Or maybe stage an intervention-like scenario where you all tell him and hand him the plan b letter. His recipe for recovery begins within, and HE will do all the hard lifting and healing on his own.

You wanted to think so so bad you "beat" the ow and that he'd come home, but having an addicted still wayward spouse come home in your mind might be better than nothing, but that is not winning. Kinda like Charlie Sheen's version of "winning".

It is not marriage at all costs.

YOU are a kind woman, but possibly you need some IC to figure out what is really going on inside of you. I was frightened and worried after reading how you took a drunk out for a night of drinking and then brought him to your home. That is my friend, totally disrespecting yourself.

If ever your wh comes back, it should only and only be when 1)he has a clean bill of mental and physical health from a rehab facility and 2)when he has sought help after that from Dr. Harley. Until then, I'd do the plan B and intervention then go black. He will have the letter showing the way home.

Sometimes prodigals come back. Sometimes they don't. And if they do not, they will use up every ounce of energy or good feelings you have trying to suck you down with them.

I feel better today. All I wanted to do yesterday was cry and now today is different. I still want it to be over and have him out of my life. I have to be strong and block him from everything because I know after a while he will try to worm his way back into my life. This time he will probably try in less than a month because he has no one.

On a good note I have lost down to 146#, my goal was 135# but I am going to try to get down to 128# instead. I am a small to medium bone person at 5'4". If I don't get down there by a certain time I won't worry about as long as I am no more than 135#. I look good and I feel good. That HCG diet works well on me.

No Phoenix today IS NOT different.

Why? You aren't accepting your role in things and seeing the actions YOU CAN do to help things.

here they are:

1)intervention and giving of plan B letter to your addicted wh
2)go dark on him or file or whatever, but you no longer enable him. He will have had the intervention and the plan B letter in hand to know what he has to do. LET him choose and go dark in the interim living your life. He must go to a rehab and graduate and get medical clearance THEN seek out Dr. Harley for help with his issues and cheating but only after that. We'll see in time what he's made of. But right now, he's an addicted wayward made of cr!p.
3)You seek IC to find out what is really going on in your life. I see lots of emotional swings in your posts and also the fact you enabled an alcoholic by drinking WITH him is something that needs to be dealt with. I think you need some IC to give you the support to move forward without him, or later with him.

Weight, feeling good, crying, are all temporary things that do not fix what is really broken, and that is your inside and your heart. You must become proactive on getting you fixed. If not, no matter what the scale says, you won't FEEL good ok?

Peachy, I do see an IC now. I have never taken my H home with me and I did not realize my H was drunk that night until later. I have gone dark now and refuse to have any contact with him. My H can continue to do what he wants as long as he leaves me out of it. This is wy I am filing for divorce. I can no longer continue with things as they are. I like and love myself and I let myself be drawn in by my H. It won't happen again. I have lost weight for myself and for no one else.

I am not perfect and I am trying. I pray and talk to God on a daily basis. I know that is why I haven't lost it. My IC says that I should divorce my H and if later on I want to get back with him if/when he straightens up then that would be ok. Don't think that will ever happen. I already have it in my mind that I will never see my H again except in court for the finalization of our marriage. His loss not mine. I will survive and thrive an he will just sink lower and lower never to recover. I guess that is the best revenge, do nothing at all and let him totally destroy himself.

Well you know I am in the same camp as peachy on this. I also don't think the revenge gig is gonna work for you in the long run. Maybe you didn't mean that and were just venting.

What I see in every post is you know all about him and what he is doing. So if you get the D, is that going to stop, for your own good?

I don't want revenge, I was just saying that I don't have to do anything to him even if I wanted revenge. He is doing it all to himself. I went months without knowing what was going on in his life, it has just been in the last 2 months that I found out what has been going on. I had only seen him 3 times in 5 months and that was just briefly for legal issues. I do admit that I have seen him alot the last couple of weeks and I do know that I need to stay away from him in all things. I will make sure I don't hear anything about him. I am going to take extra precautions and I will continue to come here to get advice and to be fussed at, because you guys are all right.

Its that fine line. I am looking forward to you removing yourself from his crap he is allowing to mess himself up and dragging you down with.

I Know, as I stubbornly stayed with my Alc WW and said to all around, "You just don't understand her like I do..." I think the kids were my reason/excuse for not getting a restraining order, and I am still dealing with my emotional entrenchment and justification. I know I crossed a line where I let her drag me down, where I let myself slip some into the darkness, it took time but it drew me in, even after years of avoiding it, after leaving once for a different life when I saw how much Bull it was years ago.

Its at those times we are trying to help strengthen you.. I was also very surprised by the drink at the bar and his time with you when you slept on the couch, but maybe I shouldn't be because I know how it is when you don't want to give up.

Talk to your IC about alanon, its about the families of alcoholics. Find a charter member book about them, study the studys about how the addiction issues can effect the family. If you go to meetings you will find all kinds of people going through all kinds of different stages. These are not meetings for addicts, these are meetings for the victims.

You work in health care is that right? There are resources all around you.

Happy Moms day if I haven't said it yet

I agree, we are alright..

Ok well glad you are getting away from his mess, and hope you can get far away from all the painful connections.

When I said all right I meant correct but you are alright too. I can't to see what the future brings for me.

Looking forward to going to my parents' house this month and going to a Cajun Fest. I know it is about a 7 1/2 hr drive but I always enjoy the drive. It is so peaceful for me with no one to bother me. It is just me and my little Boston Terrier. At least my parents will let me relax and enjoy myself and my cell phone doesn't work too well out there. My Dad has already planned a day of horseback riding for us. My Mom loves to shop and this will give her an excuse to buy me some clothes because most of my clothes are too big. I'll just have to limit how much she buys/spends.