I would only do it via email. Obviously, we are not bosom buddies but brothers in Christ. Yet, in spite of that, I wouldn't want to put you in that predicament.

Any response to this?

Ok, let me double check with the wife and make sure she's cool with me doing this... Stand by...

Cv

ok. Wife is ok with me doing it. So I think you can email the moderator (justuss2@aol.com), let them know that it is ok with me for them to pass my email along to you. Let them know why, and I will wait to hear from you. We can work out particulars and such there.

CV

Don't know about the last part, but I would leave the details out, if someone is interested, fill in the particulars of the sites and such on a need to know basis.

CV

Celtic, you are wonderful for helping out!

A couple of things Mel told me that I thought I would run by you (hopefully I am remembering this correctly, this conversation was a while ago, I did not keep the notes)

Send Marks' WW a letter introducing yourself.

(Ex, My name is xxx. I will be the intermediary for communications between yourself and marksaysay. I will be serving in a neutral capacity. Feel free to contact me to pass along messages that are in accordance with marksaysay's letter.

Thanks, CV)

Keep conversations short, to the point and polite ~ and keep a copy of them in a separate folder in case they are later needed for any reason.

Hope this helps. Thanks again, CV!

It does! Thanks Susie! I am not sure I am adequate, but I am available. Any and all help is welcome!

I guess I need a copy of his letter to her as well?

CV

Oh, yes!

You saw the link to the IM training thread, right? There's lots of info there. I don't have too much experience, was only an IM for one day (long story)

I got nuthin but time! Nuthin but time....Lol

Seriously, I did read the first few. Will go through more as we get moving on it.

Okay, CV, I want to thank you for your help. I will send a copy of the letter as soon as your email address is passed along to me. I guess I will go into Plan B as soon as we get the information exchanged.

Also, I spoke with my dad and another minister friend about my desire to expose. They were both adamantly against it. They say that no good can come from it. They both say what happens in our marriage belongs only in our marriage. My dad even said it would probably ruin my chances of ever reconciling with her.

Awesome. Looking forward to hearing from you.

As for the advice... Did they give reasons? One thing we as Christians are to do is bring evil deeds to light. not for the purpose of punishment, but so we can better restore the sinner first to God and then to those friends and family that they have estranged themselves from because of their sin. Exposure has the ability to bring the sin to light, expose it for what it is. It makes it "no longer fun". Additionally, it also takes some of the burden off of you (Romans 15:1 Bear one another's burdens).

This has been perhaps the most disappointing thing reading your thread, that there has not been someone strong enough to help you bear your burden in love where you live. Particularly in reading about pastors who won't stand strong and firm against sin... All that said, It sounds like it's not sound logic to expose, but it really is.

CV

They just simply said it is no one else's business and that it won't get me anything more than a mad STBXW. Yes, I told them that the reason she has carried on for so long is because essentially no one knows. They said that is the way it should be. My dad even said that it would probably push her farther away from me.

What they said also made me question whether what she said to me about the boyfriend is the truth or whether she simply said it to try to get me to leave her alone. They said it will do nothing but make me look bad to her family since we have been separated for so long and we are so far in the divorce process. Most, they said, would simply take it as a crazed man who just will not accept that his marriage is over.

Got some correspondence from the courts today stating that WW's request to change mediators has been denied. It just seems that everything she wants to do and tries to do to MAKE this divorce happen doesn't happen. Maybe God does have another plan. Maybe I should just go Plan B for a while before considering exposure.

First, you are going to take the advice of laypeople over the advice of Dr Harley, a licensed professional who has been helping marriages recover from infidelity for decades?? Really??

Second, exposure is meant to help the wayward see their actions through the eyes of others and help defog them. If a WS can't get over the exposure, it means they haven't come out of the fog and there is no M anyway!

Susie,

With all due respect to you, pastoral care *is* professional care. I would agree in regards to family members. Now the question of competent professionals in a particular field is another question... Everything else i agree with, spot on!


CV

I meant a professional in terms of saving marriages and dealing with affairs, not in any other capacity...

I have a knee-jerk reaction when I see people come here and say "But my counselor, pastor or [fill in the blank] told me..." because we have so many folks who come here and the A has just been thriving under bad advice they are getting from these professionals.

My suggestion would be to ask these folks how many marriages they have saved after an affair.

I did not mean any disrespect to pastors, CV. Honestly.

Yeah. I know where you are coming from (hey, I am here too, and i am in the ministry!) For the record, I have successfully counseled people to recovery *before* we came to MB (ironically the counsel we gave was very similar to Dr H's), as has several pastors I know. That said, it is a WEAK area where much work needs to be done on behalf of pastors.

On a more related topic... I have a question doing this IM thing. I received this from the WS after sending the intro letter suggested:

From: WW
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 3:25 PM
To: CV
Subject: RE: Introduction

Mr. CV,

I guess I do not understand the need to have you involved in our daughter's life or for H and I to communicate for her benefit. I am going to refuse this type of communication that H has suggested. If it is a court order, which I highly doubt that it will be, than I will comply. Sorry that you somehow got involved, but I am not going through a 3rd party to talk about my daughter. I am not comfortable with this and I will not comply.

Thanks,

WW

To which I responded:

Mrs. WW,

Your H has stated that the reason he desires this type of communication is �to preserve his emotional well being and overall health�. It is not my desire to become involved with the particular issues which you and your husband are involved with, but to act instead as an independent, detached medium (intermediary) of communication by which H feels protected in his emotional well being. Should H choose to reinstitute contact on his own, he will notify me and I will cease passing communication from him to you and vice versa. Again, I serve no purpose in counseling either party on any situation, but simply stand as a viable medium of communication in accordance with H�s expressed desire.

Thanks,

CV


Does this look acceptable to you? She has stated that she will not comply, but should that be interpreted as he requesting that I not contact her as Marksaysay passes info through me? Should I say something more?

If you hear back from WW, just state

WW,
I am available if you want to communicate with BH about children, finances or recovering the marriage.
IM


Fact is, the intermediary is the only way for communication. The WW hasn't yet discovered that all other attempt of communicating will be referred back to you.

If BH is approached in any other way (written or in person), he should refer her back to you. "I will not speak with you unless you end your affair. All communication will be through intermediary". over and over and over and over and over again til she 'gets it'.

You don't need to educate her further on your purpose. She either has the dinger go off showing her how valuable the intermediary is or she doesn't....in which case there is no venue for her to communicate. She eventually will figure that out.

Also, having the emails/documentation that there IS a venue to communicate about children/finances is important. It shows the oppurtunity IS there for the wayward. They can not claim that the betrayed did not have it set up to be utilized.