There's no canceling the visit. We leave for the airport in a few minutes.

I would explain to her that you agree with this. That if she cannot abide by the conditions to protect you from her affair that she needs to put on her running shoes. You would sure hate to see her leave, but you know your marriage cannot recover under these conditions. Tell her AGAIN you are not willing to stay in a loveless marriage and this is what it will take:__________________________.

Have you been able to get in touch in touch with the OM's wife/girlfriend?

Additionally, I would speak openly about the affair to your wife's mother. Give her all the evidence and -----------> ASK FOR HER HELP IN SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE. Ask her to use her influence to persuade her daughter to end her affair FOR THE SAKE OF THE GRANDCHILDREN.

Make sure she has the correct story. And if she interferes with your marriage then you need to drive her BACK to the airport, my friend.

And most of all, don't allow her to intimidate you. That is all this is: an intimidation campaign to see if she can shut you down. Don't let her succeed and you will be fine!!

Pull you MIL aside , mention as she is your house she respects your marriage and does not imply any form of support for your wifes infidelity , any issues within your marriage are for you and your wife to fix. If she declines or is disrespectful book her return flight, you cannot have a supporter of adultery in the house. If she challenges the exposure say you are following the MB process that has saved tens of thousands of marriages , say to your MIL when she gets to her first hundred you may chose to take her advice.

You are not in recovery yet. Stay on your Plan A best.

I would talk to your MIL and tell her that you know how much she loves her daughter, and that your respect your MIL enough to tell her the honest truth about her beloved daughter's actions. Then tell her the truth. Your WW is playing fast and loose with the facts and her family is buying what she is saying because they are loyal to her.

They also more than likely have her best interests at heart. If you tell MIL what has really been happening, and show her the hard evidence (without giving up your snooping tools) she will quickly realize that her daughter is making poor choices that will come back to bite her.

Tell your MIL the truth.

Thanks for the advice. I am going to pull my MIL aside and talk to her exactly how you suggested maritalbliss. She is a very intelligent woman and I do believe she has my wife's best interest at heart.

Do you think that if I printed something off explaining what "The Fog" is to show my MIL along with the hard evidence that it would help her understand what he daughter is going through?

I wouldn't attempt to educate your MIL. Have info available for her if she wishes to hear more. But your goal should be to make your MIL aware of her daughter's damage to herself. Start there.

It's kind of like the mideast peace process, isn't it?

Shattered your doing great man. Keeping a cool head is a good start. Plan A her to smithereens. You are fighting 2 battles here simultaneously.
1) NC and Recovery plan. WSs seldom jump on board and most shun the idea. Fog and history help them play this role. They throw out empty threats and refuse a plan. Just keep at it that its your conditions to remaining in the M and you have set your boundaries. I repeated it so often I thought about taping it so I could save my breath.
2) Emotional needs. Make no mistake you are NOT to blame for her actions of starting an EA. But the environment the M was in does. Changing the environment is something you dont need her for. You lead by example. Have you been able to somewhat identify the ENs your M lacked? The more you meet her ENs the more she will quit resisting but its still early in the process.
I am amazed of the dynamics of EAs and PAs. They are all so similar that the behavior is predictable and so is what the WS says and does most times.
A note tho about toxic friends/family. If they are toxic and you can see that they are they need to be disposed of somehow.

Again, I can't thank everyone here enough for all the advice, support and encouragement. I've kind of been all alone on this. Everyone in my life who I could turn to for support has given me bad advice. Those who I've spoken to that have been through this, didn't come out in the end with an intact relationship. So I've gotten a lot of "I know exactly how you're feeling" but no "This is how you fix this", except from you all. Again, thank you. Having been in this situation before, you all DO know how much your support means to me.

Here's where we stand today. Yesterday was Mother's Day, so I spent the day making her and my kids feel special. Her mom arrived to stay with us from out of town and the kids and I took them out to dinner. I layed off of pressing the issue of NC and Plan A for the day and spent the day creating an environment where everyone could just relax.

Things felt almost normal. Of course the spector of her A is still in the forefront of my mind. There is still no closure for me and I can't begin to start trusting her yet. I really want to though.

I'm determined to stick to this process. I received SAA and HNHN in the mail today. I'm going to devour them over the next couple of days. I doubt she'll be open to doing the same this soon.

I have moved past the blaming myself for her actions. I DO recognize my faults, though. I DO know that I was not meeting her ENs. I've known that for a long time. I was just too stubborn, proud, and pissed at her for not meeting my ENs and I shut her out.

Because we haven't had the conversation where she has specifically told me her priority ENs are, I can only guess and try to fulfill them. So, over the past few weeks, I've been going out of my way to change and fulfill the ENs that I know I was obviously not satisfying. I have hope that eventually she'll thaw and warm up to this process and I'll be able to get her to participate in the EN survey. Until then, I'm going to keep improving on the obvious.

onemoretime, in regards to my MIL, I do not believe she is "toxic" in any way. She does have my wife's best interest at heart. Her sister, my wife's aunt, on the other hand is completely toxic. Luckily, she lives far away and there isn't constant contact. I still haven't had the opportunity to talk one on one with the MIL. That is one of my top priorities though.

I have hope that having her mother here will help my WW get through the "withdrawal" and depression of NC and the fog.

Okay, so I'm halfway done reading SAA. I'm finishing up the section about Plan A and Plan B. I've quickly realized a couple things that I think you guys have been trying to tell me.

First and foremost, my belief in my WW suffering from an addiction that prevents her from making sane choices has been reinforced.

But the second and more pressing realization that I have had is that it would seem to be counterproductive for my WW to read SAA. First and foremost, her fog would prevent her from receiving any real impact from the text that would make her change her ways. But more importantly, she would know my gameplan for how I intend to respond throughout this process. I would think that it would prepare to be an even more effective liar and cheater to know what is coming next.

I know I'm only halfway done with the book, but this book seems more for me than it is for her. Am I wrong?

No. IMO those books are useless to an active wayward. Giving them to a wayward to read in the hope that they will as a result of it give up their wayward behaviour will be about as productive as trying to teach a donkey to fish.

Even worse, as you've indicated, an active wayward may actually try to use some of the information in those books against you.

I was just too stubborn, proud, and pissed at her for not meeting my ENs and I shut her out. PORHonesty will prevent the stonewalling in the future. In a biblical sense the book Love and Respect explains this well also (another suggested read if you two attend church)This is a huge thing. Being open and honest about "feelings" If needs arent being met, they need to be discussed. This is hard for most people as we assume meeting EN's comes naturally and actually it takes WORK.When spouses say "we have drifted apart" "we are different people" "ILBNILWU" its always just a code that says "your not meeting my emotional needs" Men have habits of stonewalling as a defense. In hindsight it usually just drives a spouse to an A.
There is still no closure for me and I can't begin to start trusting her yet. I really want to though. Trust is a hard one. Dr H says we should NEVER trust our spouse. Never! We are all wired for A's. Transparency, openness and honest builds trust but never think you will or should have trusted her. Its a luxury thats not afforded to any spouse in my opinion. There are degrees of trust and you will regain comfort eventually. But NEVER fully TRUST.
SSA is something she will need to read AFTER the fog has lifted. Some a few weeks some a few months and for the lucky few its immediately after exposure.For now its more for yourself.
ENs are so strong that we will go to any length to have them met. Morality and convictions get lost in that beckoning. Once they are met by our spouses it literally helps the affair proofing of our M. That along with extraordinary precautions POJA and PORH. At some point she will need to learn the dynamics of how A's start. But not now.
Because we haven't had the conversation where she has specifically told me her priority ENs are, I can only guess and try to fulfill them You ca bet her EN's follow suit with majority. Conversation and Affection (non sexual) are USUALLY the top ones for women. And also remember they can shift priority often so its a moving target. The single most thing you can do at this point is concentrate on UA time and meeting those likely needs. (example) As those top EN's are met and say money gets short. then financial need may rise to the top as an. Or if you are busy with work and cant help domestically as much that "need" may take priority.
At least with MIL there it will afford you some comfort in your absence. I would ask WW to join you in exposing to MIL. She will likely refuse but ask.
So I've gotten a lot of "I know exactly how you're feeling" but no "This is how you fix this" Yes you have joined a club none of us wish we had ever had to pay dues to get into. Most people "DONT" understand. They rely on intuition to guide them. Everything that has a chance of success needs well thought out plans and appointed actions. This includes M.
Oh and PLAN A is a constant.I dont think you meant you put it off if you created an environment of relaxation. That is one of Love so you were still plan Aing.

I re-read that last night and realized that my post was inaccurate and out of context in regards to putting off Plan A. I'm still Plan A-ing to death. I just put off the NC demand on Mother's Day.

Today I'm spending a little QT alone with the MIL and will articulate the exposure to her. I already have sent her an exposure message. Today, I'm showing her my evidence and asking for her help in pressing NC.

If the way my wife has spun this incident to her aunt is indicative of what she told her mom, I definitely need to show the MIL my evidence so that she can see that her daugther is lieing to her.

Perfect! And do this, SH: Tell her you are not telling her this to bash your wife, but to ASK FOR HER HELP AND ADVICE. Tell her you love your wife and want to save your marriage. The more people who speak to her about ending her affair, the more likely it is that someone can get through to her. Ask her if she would use her influence to persuade your wife to end her affair and work on the marriage.

LOL Yes I figured you didn't lay off of Plan A. Its a constant strive for us BH's that love our WW's.
I will tell you that most WW's involved in EA's VS PA's will downplay the chit-chat that happens in the EA. Thats because they dont really understand that they were slowly but surely delving over to the "dark Side" and how meeting EN's play a role in romantic love thresholds. It was "just talk" and we are "just friends" crap.
MIL may be a great Allie for you. But remember that its HER child so no matter the "unconditional love" factor has to play in. Most moral In Laws will react but not harshly.
Your doing all the right things SH. It will turn in your favor just not soon enough. Time drags when in this sitch. DRAGS. Did you see YOUR MD to help your stress yet?

I have not seen an MD yet for the stress. I am seeing a counselor to talk through MY issues though. I don't expect the counselor to save my marriage. Only my wife and I can save our marriage.

As far as the stress goes, its still there but no where near as bad as when I first discovered the A. I'm actually pretty good at dealing with stress most of the time. The bombshell of discovering the A was a moment of weakness / temporary insanity.

I'm not angry and, surprisingly, never have been throughout this ordeal. Is that not normal? I am hurt, without a doubt, but not angry. Beyond the hurt, I am still physically restless. If I don't take sleeping pills (over the counter) I can't sleep at night. I exercise daily to help with that. When I do sleep, though, there are always nightmares of losing my wife and family. EVERY. NIGHT. Even if I wake up and don't remember the dream, the FEELINGS of what I was dreaming persist. You ever wake up from a dream, know you're awake, but still FEEL what you were feeling in the dream? Well, a lot of times I wake up with a persistent feeling that I don't belong in the bed I am sleeping in with my wife. Like, I'm not ALLOWED to be there. It sucks.

Beyond the hurt, though, my overriding feeling is one of hope for my marriage and family. I will persist.

My WW, on the other hand, DID see an MD in regards to her depression. She would not talk to me about it. She would not tell me what was prescribed. She would only tell me she went for help sleeping. I again had to resort to snooping to figure out what she was prescribed. She has hidden her meds. She takes one of each out from wherever they are hidden and will leave them lying on the counter when she takes a shower. I snuck over and identified them. One is an antidepressant, one is a sleeping pill.

So, though she still refuses to be open with me, there is hope that at least she is being treated for the fog depression.

Good, I was so distraught I sought Meds to help. Still on them as ANGER was (IS) an issue for me. I take less of them now but still need them on "them days"
You definitely have the right mindset! Self care is huge and many many of us forget to eat, exercise and we cant concentrate on anything. Glad you are in the right mind! I also usually handle stress well but not this kind.
She's not ready for honesty yet still more fog issues. That will come.
Did you not ever have her MD paperwork saying you could get her info. We both have in my case. He has to disclose if I ask and patient confidentiality waiver was signed.
I know the night mares well. I woke and still do some with overwhelming feelings of many types. Cried rivers and despaired. Felt like I was an alien in another world and such. That will to pass.
Ok the stage is set for just plan Aing. Its your best weapon by far along with UA. Watch for that NC and keep eyes and ears way open.

I was not angry either for a while; at first, I was in shock and a kind of disbelief. I mean, I SAW the emails and I KNEW the PA happened, but there was this disconnect between the new reality in my life and my pre-A "former life." I had terrible rushes of adrenaline that had nowhere to go; my heart beat very fast for long minutes at a time in response, frequently making me sleepless at night. Even OTC sleep aids didn't work.

Some weeks after we went into recovery, I became very very sad as the whole thing began to really settle into my head. After that, there was tremendous anger, then sadness, then anger, back and forth, and good days tossed in as well. And this is in RECOVERY with FWH promising EPs and doing everything possible to meet ENs. Part of the roller coaster.

It's helpful not to be angry at first, though, because it probably helps BS take care of business.

It took a few weeks for me to get here. I wasn't eating, sleeping, exercising, or doing anything for my own well being at first. I lost 15 pounds in the first 3 days of this thing. 15 pounds!

Now I've got my appetite back, I'm working out again, and I've decided to use my workouts to get to a new level of fitness. I'm going to bulk back up on my muscle mass now that I have involuntarily lost almost all my body fat. I'm not going to torture myself. I have to do things to make me feel like me again and to rebuild my shattered self-esteem.

I spent my QT with the MIL yesterday. I think it went well, for the most part. She responded as I would have expected. First and foremost, she was firmly planted in her daughter's corner no matter what she did wrong. However, she did say that she was shocked and appalled by what my WW did and that she fully supports NC and reconciliation.

In regards to NC, she agreed with most of the five steps NC process to terminate the A. She did not agree with a NC letter. The rest of the steps (getting rid of conditions that created the A, transparency, NC, open and honesty, no nights apart, commiting to rebuilding love in marriage) she was very enthusiastically supportive of.

She was very much taken aback and impressed with my actions towards my wife (Plan A'ing) and children. She said that the positive way that I've been handling this whole thing has surprised her and my WW and that it has my WW's head spinning. She said that my WW has done a complete 180 degree change since she last saw her when this all started. She said that my WW was of the opinion that I could never forgive her and that I would leave her.

One sticking point that she feels my WW will never come to terms with is classifying the affair as an affair. She is making excuses and rationalizing that is was just an EA and not a PA. She feels that they are not the same thing and doesn't want it to be called an A at all. She also believes that a lot of my WW's actions are due to childhood sexual abuse she suffered.

She made an impressive argument in regards to how that childhood abuse affected the way my WW believes she needs to seek out and feel love. She said that our marriage had gotten to the point where my WW felt as if I didn't love her and she needed to get that love elsewhere the only way that inner abused child knew how to. I asked her to express those feelings to my WW. She said she couldn't because of her own guilt for not protecting her child from what happened to her. She suggested that I tell our counselor and allow the counselor to talk that over with my WW.

My MIL wasn't quite ready to buy into "the fog" and the fact that my WW is suffering from a form of addiction. I didn't bother to tell her some of the excuses she was making for my wife was fogbabble and only served to enable my WW.

In the end, I expressed my persistent hope for saving my marriage and my love for my wife and family. I expressed my ability to forgive and that my wife could earn my trust back.

I explained a lot of the other concepts of the MB process such as Love Bank, Love Busters, POJA, PORH, etc. She LOVED the entire process. The only thing she was not a huge fan of was exposure. I told her that I subscribe wholeheartedly to the MB process and that I don't see the wisdom of agreeing with everything except the one part of the process that HAS to be painful. She saw the contradiction with the POJA and exposure. She (and my WW) feel that exposure is too controlling a tactic. I offered no apologies and said I stand by the process.

Again, in the end she was supportive of our marital reconciliation and enthusiatically agreed that NC is the only option. She also clued me in on how successful Plan A is working.

I will persist.

She made an impressive argument in regards to how that childhood abuse affected the way my WW believes she needs to seek out and feel love. Many follow this train of thought. But many also think that as adults we chose who we are and its not from where we came from. Our pasts very seldom mold us as adults. We all have choices. Your WW's only problem is a lack of good boundaries. With the right EP's and a true understanding of the dynamics of how A's begin she can change this. Everyone needs to seek out and feel loved regardless of there past. Its one of those NEEDs that have to met by our spouse. Blow MILs impressive argument off until she gets her Masters and PHDs. LOL :0
She suggested that I tell our counselor and allow the counselor to talk that over with my WW. Dont muddy the water with a MC deluging in the past, stick to the present and future. Focus on recovery conditions and ENs, POJA and PORA.Those are the things that will transform a M and something that can be done. A poster here told me to ask a question..."what can I do about it?" If the answer is nothing then move on. If its something then list several solutions. So I ask you this...What can be done about your WW's childhood abuse? Besides having her bohoo about it theres nothing she can do about it. It was a life learning lesson and not a pleasant one. But it cant be changed. So nothing can be done and even better its in the PAST.
She is making excuses and rationalizing that is was just an EA and not a PA. She feels that they are not the same thing and doesn't want it to be called an A at all. ALL PA's start as an EA. Except for the few that are sexual one nighters. EAs allow someone besides our spouse to fill ENs. Sooner or later that fulfillment takes it over the romantic love threshold and then BAM the ugly PA shows up. Let BOTH of them call it what they want to for now. You cant make her change her view of this .....YET! Dr H's opinion is that an A is whatever the offended spouse thinks an A is. The offended spouses opinion is the ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS!
The only thing she was not a huge fan of was exposure This is nothing more than protecting DD. Of course she doesnt want the embarrassing and ugly truth to hurt her DD.She wants to hide it in the dark where A's live. Many that dont understand the exposures intents and purpose say this same thing. But after 6 years here I have seen what NOT exposing does. Sweeping something like this under the carpet is the harm. Forgiving with no conditions is harm. I always did the E bomb but never was stead fast on conditions and boundaries. It has bit me in the ars. My wife is told daily in one way or another that if this M isnt going to be one of ultimate care and protection then I want no part of it anymore. NONE nada ZIP. Im done being complacent and unhappy with my M. Its my personal boundaries and goals that she must share with me as "one". I have no plan B nor do I want one. My only plan is one of recovery and extreme EP's in place by my WW. The next plan is plan FU. And I have been completely honest about it to my WW.I am super loving to my Wife but I no longer am afraid to not be firm in my boundaries that I set. If she doesnt want this she has had been told her options are simply to say no and deal with all that an ugly D will bring. Teaching our children that its ok to give up and make false vows in front of God. We have talked about the ramifications of a D. She didnt like the looks of any of it and says she didnt "think" of those being her consequences.
Time tables are different for waywards. It may take yours a few weeks or months to start feeling the effects of Plan A. But dont be plan doormat. Be firm and honest. Affirm your conditions and expectations and ask her to join.When its time, dish out the stick with love but make sure shes eating the carrot first.
One more thing to consider today. This POSOM didnt mind breaking up and or at least interfering with a family..."YOUR FAMILY". I would not quit my quest of making his life a living HE11. The crazier he thinks you are the faster he will RUN from your WW. I think you said he owns a bar? Blog it in wordpress or put him a nice ad in the local newspaper that his patrons will read. Let the Wifes of his patrons know his true colors. Many many things you can still do. Vindictive...YES. But I find revenge is a dish that is truly best served very very coldly. Threaten my life and my family and I will chase you to HE11 and back again. Thats just me and its not for everyone. But it gave me GREAT satisfaction to know when he heard my name that he would feel sick to his stomach...and he does.