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Originally Posted By: optimism
too bad you're not running in the Boston Marathon, Fred. We could meet in the North End for some pasta on Sunday! ~~next year~~
(and no, I don't run, but I do eat pasta, lol)
opt

Thanks for your vote of confidence, opt. I fear the days of my qualifying for Boston are way past me!

But I did sign up for an eight week training program last night. Maybe getting some coaching will help me regain some of the speed I've lost over the past couple of years due to age, injury and emotional trauma. crazy

But if I'm in Boston, I'll take you up on the pasta!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Hey Fred, just curious if you are still driving that jeep with the special plates?


-SOL
_SOL #2505202 05/04/11 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted By: _SOL
Hey Fred, just curious if you are still driving that jeep with the special plates?

Yep. Now that winter is over I'm seriously considering getting rid of it, though. But it needs service and money's been tight, so I just put gas in it and keep it running for now.

To be honest, I don't like the plates anymore. If I thought I was going to keep the Jeep, I'd replace them with something completely different.


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Hi folks,

I thought it might be a good idea to post an update. I haven't been active on the boards for a short while, although I have been doing some "drive-by reading."

Dancing Girl and I have a date on Friday to take in a cooking class. At long last!

Oddly enough, I'm almost waiting for the date to be over. Not that I don't think it will be fun -- I think it will be -- but knowing that I don't really see a relationship future with her has me wanting to just get past it. I get a sense that I've found a new friend, but that's about it.

In fact, one of the reasons I think I haven't posted here recently is because I am still processing the realization that I'm not good relationship "material."

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a pity party I'm throwing for myself. It's just accepting the dawning fact that I'm really not a "people person." It's not that I'm a bad guy, because I don't think I am. It's just that I don't think I really have it in me to show someone that I'm a "good guy," a good catch, or what-have-you.

So I'm putting relationships on the back burner. The very far back burner. I'm doing more running, getting back into my guitar playing, and focusing on getting this renewed (and somewhat struggling) business back off the ground.

I've been reading your threads, and I rejoice that some of you are finding new relationships. I just don't feel that I'm in that ballpark now. Maybe ever. Who knows?


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Made think Fred, because I too am putting them way back on the back burner, and I too have to come to realize I am not a "casual" relationship person, or should I call it something different, like I am an all or nothing type who considers every aspect of a relationship important?

Call it shy, or whatever, still waters run deep. Both times in my life when I tried to break away out of my shell and took relationships on as a challange to my introvertness,(would you call me an introvert from what you see about me in my posts?)..any ways both times I have compromised my better judgement because the girls I have been with said, "Oh you are to seriuos and need to lighten up!"

I can act a certain way, but to really know me is another matter.

Your a treasure Fred, don't forget it, and if some woman out there doesn't see it, you still are.

I have nothing to give to a woman other than myself, and if thats not good enough with me first it will never be with them. You know what I mean, your a leader type, as a matter of fact you reminded me about confidance in a post some time ago.

Just a reminder that the dating "game" can be just that to some people, and its not how many races you've run, it how you run them, if that makes any sense to you as a competitor.

Take your time and find yourself, just like I told my kids and still tell myself, everything will work when it is supposed to, and you can't rush Love, first you have to love yourself.

You probably think that you should be moving on with someone, but you will when your ready, and it will be solid and natural, slow and steady, and time will prove it to be what it is. It still will take some time to balance out everything, and take it from me, there is no hurry, and you have nothing to prove in my book.

What is better, preparing and maintaining yourself to run the course, never getting the chance to, or running out blindly? I would say take care of yourself first, and give yourself time before you look to hard or judge yourself. Your wounds are still healing. Thats what happens to the sensitive intellegent deep people in this world.

Leave you with this brother.."Trust God for the consequences of our obedience to Him"

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Oh wow Fred, I think it's great to take a break, but I feel concerned to read you say "I am still processing the realization that I'm not good relationship "material." " Sure, you have some hurts to work through but unless you paint a much rosier picture of who you are on this board than in real life I'd say your just as good relationship material as anyone else on here.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Fred,

Usually people that work hard at SHOWING they are good relationship material, aren't actually very good relationship material.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

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Take some cooking classes.
Are you close to a Sur La Table? Williams Sonoma?

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Fred, You are GREAT relationship material and don't think any different! I am "great relationship material" too but don't feel the desire to go through all of the dating and adjusting and proving ground, etc. etiher, just had enough to last me a long while. I think it's great to just go about life and enjoy what you do and focus on yourself for a while and see what life brings you. I realize this goes against what the dating experts say, they say you have to have a plan and go at it like it's a full time job...that just sounds exhausting to me and if that's what I'd have to do to get a guy, I'd rather wing it alone. And that's okay too! I figure if God has someone for me, He is perfectly capable of arranging for us to meet and no hurry! wink


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Originally Posted By: kaycstamper
I figure if God has someone for me, He is perfectly capable of arranging for us to meet and no hurry! wink


I think I've just found my new attitude towards dating. Thanks!


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Take some cooking classes.
Are you close to a Sur La Table? Williams Sonoma?

Hey, Pep, good to see you again!

The date this Friday is a cooking class! There's a company that started about a year and a half ago that I've taken classes from that I really enjoyed. They offer (among many other things) a "date night" class, which involves "cooking for two." This is what we're doing (Asian Fusion, if anyone wants to know).

I do also have Williams-Sonoma near me, but this place (it's called Cookology) is closer and is entirely cooking classes, unlike Williams-Sonoma, which is a gadget and ingredient place that has cooking classes from time to time.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2509155 05/13/11 10:26 PM
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We had our "date night" cooking class tonight. I arrived a bit early, because I wanted to buy a shirt at another store in the mall (they were out of my size). Dancing Girl came straight from work (with a brief detour to buy a pair of shoes). smile

As expected, the class was a lot of fun, very informative (did you know you can "peel" ginger just by using the edge of a spoon?) and quite tasty! DG enjoyed it a lot, and I was happy she chose to be a bit daring by not cooking her food well done (the main course was pan-seared sushi quality mahi tuna). Preparing the food was a blast, with a vegetable medley en papillote (steamed in paper) and a form of chocolate mousse for desert.

When it was over, it was over. I asked her if she would like a cup of coffee (there was a Caribou Coffee just outside the class/store) but she said she hadn't been home since the afternoon and had to walk her dogs. That was that. I was a little miffed toward the end when she said she should pay me back for her share of the "date." I would not hear of it, telling her it was my idea, it was a "date night" class, and she should just consider it a date.

So, we had a good time and parted as friends. And that's pretty much the way I see this "relationship" staying. We have good times together, but there's just no "there" there. It's good to know, because that will save me any further attempt at making something out of nothing.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2509201 05/14/11 06:45 AM
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Sounds like a great time Fred. So maybe it didn't turn into a Penthouse Forum story, you still had fun and learned a lot. The objective was accomplished.

Funny, I had a stir fry recipe that called for ginger just last week. I had my root which I had dutifully stored in the freezer from another time I used it a long time ago. I peeled it with a knife and thought "there must be a better way." Now I know. smile

I'm happy for you that you are doing things you enjoy. D definitely affords us that opportunity with only the distractions we choose to let in. Now go write a song about cooking.

opt

optimism #2509239 05/14/11 09:57 AM
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So you really are good at relationships then Fred. I suspected as much.

Like I said before, give it time. You probably still are in some form of withdrawal. Yes we can have withdrawal from even terrible relationships that we are aware were terrible.

Damn that human condition! Reminds me of that old adage..

"You get used to it, and its amazing what you can get used to"

Sounds like she is just interested in friends, thats not so bad and as long as you have fun together who cares right?

I want that someday, and the objectivity that comes with it also, the boundaries too, and the honesty that nobody needs me for thier stability and I don't need them. Thier time is a gift, and mine is also, and mutual respect for that.

Emotional needs and healing, well that is a different story. Of course you know that, and God knows that also, and that you are human, and he will provide when others cannot for the places that only he can anyways,

At least thats what I keep going on, and as I get peace, it becomes more apparent and it is revealed all I really need is Him.

God bless bro

ConstantProcess #2509252 05/14/11 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted By: ConstantProcess

Sounds like she is just interested in friends, thats not so bad and as long as you have fun together who cares right?


This is good advice. So, next time, ask her to a Cooking With a Friend class instead of a Date Night class. Expect her to pay her half of any outing. Try just being friends with no expectations. After you've done the friend thing for awhile, ask her if she has a female friend she can introduce you to. flirt


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
Kirby #2509355 05/14/11 06:02 PM
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Thanks for all the feedback, guys 'n' gals.

The chef mentioned that once a month or so he does an "iron chef" type of event pitting chefs from some of the better restaurants around. This is not a cooking "class" per se, but an event. One that DG said she'd like to attend.

It sells out quickly when it's announced. I told DG I'd keep my eyes and ears open for news of the next one.

And if we go, I'll let her pay her own way. smile

It certainly does seem that she's not interested in being more than friends. In a way, that's a pity, because I really do like her. But if being "good at relationships" means not trying to make something out of nothing, then I guess I am. wink


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2509440 05/15/11 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
It certainly does seem that she's not interested in being more than friends. In a way, that's a pity, because I really do like her.


Fred, you cannot be "friends" with someone whom you like more than friends. You will keep seeing her friendliness as signs of "interest", only to be disappointed over and over again. Moreover, she is not your "friend" if you keep paying for her all the time. That is "friends with benefits", only she is the one who gets all the benefits.

I'd lose her and find someone who will either be interested in you romantically (and there are plenty) or will be a true friend. Or else, as I said before, let DG be the one to call you and offer to do something (not call you just to tell you that her dogs are sick).

AGG


AGoodGuy #2509452 05/15/11 12:14 PM
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AGG makes a good point. If you are attracted it is extremely hard not to feel it sometimes. You are allways doing an internal "cold shower" of reality.

Of course this is part of dating also, whether you should hang out with someone who has different plans or intentions in the relationship. Just like you wouldn't hang out with someone who intends to go fishing when you don't want to fish, you want to go swimming.

Thank God we are all past that age where sexual tension leads us into that temptation to use the universal fix-all, and emotional band-aid of desparation to become close, and feel good. But that can be another place that is uncomfortable also, and fog our minds, as we gotta keep telling ourselves to get back on point. "Uh-OH, a rush of emotion, now what was she saying? If she only knew what I was feeling she would laugh at me, Ha ha, I am a jerk, now what was she saying again?"

I agree about the paying thing also and loosen up with your expectations of a relationship and treat her like a sister if thats where its at. If she isn't interested in you no skin off your nose, it doesn't have to be about that anyways, "Please pass the ginger root slow poke!"

Lets face it, not every woman you know or will meet is all about having a deep emotional bond nor will you agree on evrything with your friends but they still can be friends.

Those girls that I have been friends with and keep good boundaries with are priceless, and even point out problems I am exhibiting, or show me empathy in hard times. Because they are objective and not involved with my emotions at a deep level, or in the forest with me, they can see it.

Its the ones who want more and can't handle moderation that were allways trouble. They needed you to want to sleep with them in order to feel OK...They wanted you until they had you interested...All guys want is...Even those women who can be awesome friends if they just handled thier insecurities, just screw it up for themselves, because they can become so controlling and manipulative.

We are wired for relationship, and affairs also, its extremely hard when you fall in to deep and are extremely attracted to remain "just friends". It IS responsible to pull back when that happens, and it is not a sign of weakness, its a sign of humility and self-preservation. God those cold showers internally of reality that snap you out of it.

So what is it about her that you really like Fred? Can you like that and still be just a friend? I like the suggestion just to have fun cooking together and if nothing develops ask her if she has any friends she can introduce you to. Of course that is after you have the "Where are we going with this" talk with her.

Just some thoughts for ya Fredo

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AGG and CP, thanks for the brutal honesty. You're right - I needed a wake-up call!

In an earlier post I had said that I was actually looking forward to the end of the date, as that was going to be the end of "dating" DG. At least, that's what I intended to say.

The fact is, I am not going to ask her out on another date. If I learn of the "iron chef" competition, I will let her know, but as I said, she'll have to pay her own way, and I'm not going to go out of my way to make sure she has a seat for it.

In fact, as I also said earlier (or tried to - sometimes I don't think I'm as clear as I'd like to be) I'm pulling myself out of the dating pool. For an indefinite time. Right now, at least, I'm just not good relationship material.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Fred_in_VA #2509462 05/15/11 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Right now, at least, I'm just not good relationship material.


I don't agree with this at all. You are good relationship material, you just need to find the right gal. Then again, there's nothing wrong with taking a time out from dating and doing something else. I always took on a home improvement project after a relationship did not work out, or I got tired of meeting wackos. If you saw how nicely remodeled my house is now, you'd know how many times I had to take a timeout smile.

And don't confuse being an introvert with bad relationship material, I see an introvert every time I look in the mirror and it doesn't bother me (or my wife) one bit. There are many advantages to being an introvert, don't let our "let it all hang out on reality TV" culture tell you otherwise.

AGG


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