I am new to the site. H and I recently separated, just about a month ago. I found "His Needs Her Needs" at a bookstore and read it twice, which led me here to this site. I haven't read many posts, but am hoping there are others out there who are in/have been in a similar situation and can offer helpful advice. H and I have been married for 14 yrs, dated 1 year prior to that. In Nov. last year a man I dated previously befriended me on FB and chatting began. H found out and was terribly angry, even though it was completely innocent at the time. I was hesitant about even talking to this man b/c of our history, but honestly thought that enough time had passed that it would be ok. The messages and texts continued for 3 months, and I began to develop an emotional attachment, even though there never was any kind of physical or sexual affair. We began having terrible fights and H finally told me I had to leave. He insisted we separate because I was having difficulty breaking off the contact, even though it was not a physical affair. We separated a month ago, even though I ended all contact with the other man a month prior to this. H is so angry and resentful he refuses counseling and says he isn�t sure he wants the marriage anymore. I�ve begged and pleaded to seek therapy but he says it is pointless and he doesn�t need it, but thinks I need to go on my own. We have 2 children ages 9 and 13, both girls. I want to try to salvage this marriage and I love him and our children very much. I have been honest with him concerning what happened and only want him to admit that there were some problems in our marriage that led to this happening. He refuses to accept any responsibility at all and insists he was a �perfect� husband and that I am 100% to blame. Our marriage wasn�t perfect, but he refused to go to counseling before the separation and any time I tried to talk to him about things that bothered me he didn�t want to listen. I am not trying to shift blame and admit that what happened was wrong, but feel that there were some emotional needs he wasn�t meeting (as mentioned in Dr. Harley�s book) that might have led me to look for emotional connections elsewhere. I feel devastated and so lonely, and don�t know what to do now because he is so bitter and angry.
I�ve tried to get him to read the book or even talk to our pastor but he will not. He is a very stubborn man and has always had difficulty saying �I�m sorry� or admitting when he�s made a mistake. It is very hard to try to put a marriage back on track when you can�t have an honest open conversation together.

Welcome teachergirl,

You are in the right place. So you had an emotional affair that lasted for several months. Have you asked your husband what you can do to meet his needs? Some of the pros will be along to talk about boundaries and such. Be patient. Also be aware that a lot of folks here are very direct. Take it with a grain of salt. They stick around because they value marriages.

I am a little surprised that you are so overly focused on getting something out of someone that you have hurt so badly. Your affair with this OM almost wrecked your marriage and you seem to have just swept that under the rug. I see you blaming him for your actions rather than taking responsibility and recognizing what you have done to him. The reason you had the affair is because you have very poor boundaries. You allowed another man to meet your needs.

The fact that you would allow such a relationship to wreck your marriage tells me you placed that affair over your marriage. That is desvatating to a spouse. And here you are demanding that your H perform after you have done this to him?

My suggestion would be first learn some humility and take some responsibility for your actions. Instead of making demands, focus on what you can do to repair the damage you did to the marriage. Have you justly compensated him? Have you EARNED forgiveness? If you have not, then I would suspect that he is very angry and rightfully so.

I would put aside the book you have and get Surviving an Affair because it will help you understand what you have done to your marriage. It will give you a better perspective.

Additionally, I would stop trying to sweep your affair under the rug and show some humility. Read this article and focus on justly compensating your husband. That may soften him instead of your approach which is bound to push him away. Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


And lastly, being stuck with a cheater feels like being stuck with damaged goods at first. I would work hard on changing that feeling within him so he feels like he didn't get the bad end of the deal.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

When was the last time you spoke or communicated with the OM? Are you still separated?

Well, TG89, you've found the right place to be. Understand this however: we folks on this site, working with a WS to salvage a badly damaged relationship, without the BS's involvement, is much like pushing a rope. It's much more effective from the other side.

Let me point something out to you, right off the top:

H found out and was terribly angry,.......even though it was completely innocent at the time.
I was hesitant about even talking to this man (but did so)...... but honestly thought that enough time had passed
I began to develop an emotional attachment,.......even though there never was any kind of physical or sexual affair.
I was having difficulty breaking off the contact,......even though it was not a physical affair.
We separated a month ago....... even though I ended all contact with the other man
I am not trying to shift blame.......but (will do so since I)feel that there were some emotional needs he wasn�t meeting

The words on the right side of these statements have NO legitimacy in your BH's mind. None. Accordingly, as you start the staggeringly difficult process of repairing your marriage, you would do yourself a great service if you'd stop alibying your demonstrated actions with horse-dropping disclaimers about your "feelings".

While I'm up (it's after midnight here) I might as well disabuse you of one or two more insights you think you have.

want him to admit that there were some problems in our marriage that led to this happening.
Nope, he should NOT admit it because it isn't true. What led to this happening is your initially looking outside your marriage for something you weren't getting from your husband, and NOT stopping immediately the first time he demanded you do so. THAT would have been an optimum time to find this site, start a thread on M101 entitled, "How Can I Tell My Husband What I'm Missing From Him".

You are 100% to blame for your affair and the breakup of the marriage. So trying to force him to accept responsibility for something in which he had no choice is a losing proposition. You won't win with that crap. Sorry, but you have to man up here, put on the big gurl pants and take 100% responsibility for your affair and the separation.

Wow....where to begin to reply...I have admitted that I am to blame for my choices and actions, and that it was not the right choice to make. I have admitted that to H as well, and asked for forgiveness which he says he cannot give. I do understand that it may take lots of time for him to get to this point of being ready to forgive. I am not demanding that he do so, but other than to say I was wrong, I am sorry, and I want to try to repair the marriage I don't know what else to do. I've asked him to go to counseling but he won't go. I do not "blame" him for my choices, but I do think that the fact that there were some marital problems previously contributed to my decisions. Yes I made those choices and I most certainly did overstep boundaries, but there were areas our marriage needed work on before any of this happened. I tried to get him to go to counseling before and tried to talk to him about the things that were problem areas but got nowhere. I realize that looking outside the marriage wasn't the answer, but he was unwilling to try to improve the relationship or even talk about things that were bothering me. Because I felt very taken for granted and he was unwilling to work on the marriage, it made me more susceptible to a situation I might have otherwise avoided. That's all I'm saying. Keep in mind that I chose to end the conversations with this man before the separation, and there has been no contact for about 3 months. Emotional connections are like addictions, and although I am not an alcoholic or drug user I can relate to being addicted. This OM was emotionally supportive when my husband wasn't. I am not justifying, but instead explaining why it was so easy to get pulled into the relationship and so difficult to end. I didn't go looking for this, it came along at a time when I was not very strong and therefore I made the wrong choice. It wasn't a physical or sexual affair but the H doesn't believe that even though I have offered to take a polygraph test. I know I made a mistake. I was hoping for helpful advice on how to try to save this marriage, for us and for our children. I don't really need to be beat up any more, between myself and the H I have been bashed plenty. I don't expect him to sweep anything under any rugs, but I am hopeful that my marriage can be saved and was asking for helpful advice from others who might have been in a similar situation. If he cannot forgive me then what else is there to do?? I've offered everything I can think of and pleaded with him to try to save the marriage, but he says he isn't sure he wants to. I don't know what else to do at this point. Telling me what a horrible person I am really isn't very helpful...I already feel bad enough.

And how does one compensate? There is nothing I can do about what happened, other than accept responsibility, end the contact, say I am sorry and mean it, and ask to be forgiven...I have done all those things and H still is angry, bitter, mean at times. I do understand his feelings, because I was on the other end of the rope early in our marriage. I just want to know if he will ever move from angry and hate to wanting to try to rebuild. I know it won't be an instant fix, and will take much time. Just don't know where to start if he isn't willing to talk about it without blasting me and telling me over and over how horrible I am. I have forgiven him many times over the years (and vice versa) and stuck by him through some hard times, but he seems unwilling to forgive now. I haven't demanded anything from him, but have asked him to go to therapy to work though this together. We are separated now and he doesn't want to end the separation.

I have already read that article, it is in my book. I read it again and still am unsure what I can do to compensate him. I've even asked him what can I do and he says there is nothing. I have ended the contact, unfriended, deleted contact numbers and changed my email accounts. H has access to all my accounts/passwords and phone. I've given all that to him. I've asked him to tell me what he wants from me or what he needs from me and he is just so angry that he won't talk to me. We've tried a few times to spend some time together but it always ends in yelling because he doesn't want to talk about any of it and I think we need to. He has read all the texts and emails, and I've tried to tell him as best I can remember what the phone conversations were about. Although I have been honest, he thinks I am hiding something from him because I won't admit to having a physical relationship with this man (which I did not do). Perhaps there is something more I can say or do to show him how sorry I am and that I truly regret what happened...that is why I thought counseling would help because we could talk about it with a trained therapist...I am reluctant to just do nothing because that sends the message that I am done and don't want to work on it at all. But when I suggest that we do something together that upsets him as well. Just don't know what to do as it seems to be a no win situation. Saying I'm sorry just seems so invaluable but what else can I do?

Just found this site a few hours ago, and have read some of the other posts about boundaries....curious to know more about that. I've offered to establish some boundaries without even knowing this site existed, such as giving phone access, passwords, calling/texting him throughout day to tell him where I am and what I'm doing....he won't answer or reply in many cases. I offer to spend time with him, ask him what he wants/needs, just feel I am hitting a brick wall. Trying everything I know to try but just seem to be stuck.

TG,

Please read this quote from you.

What does his saying "I'm sorry" have to do with this? When did it become your job to educate him or force him to speak with a pastor or go to counseling.

I am not saying these are bad things to do, but I think what people are trying to tell you that if you are saying things like this to your H, he will take it as an attack and he will dig in. Meanwhile you have not said what you have done to address your affair. Are you in counseling, if so what kind. Are you examining your behavior and decision making? If so what is your plan for recovery.

Are you beginning to realize that you and you alone chose to have the affair. Your H got no vote on your choices.

Finally, has it occured to you that you have hurt him deeply and right now he trusts no one especially himself. He needs time to get his emotional feet under him. Does he need help? Yes. Could the folks here help him? Yes. But, HE has to come to these realizations, you cannot force him to any more than your H asking you to stop the affair actually worked either. You continued until you wanted to stop it.

Please read the articles here and try to see things from your H's point of view. A lot of what you have said while right, usually is considered an attack by a BS or at the very least it is consider blame shifting.

Hang in there this can be made better.

God Bless,

JL

TG,

You also said Technically, this is not setting boundaries, these are normal precautions. Boundaries have to do with some would call morals and how you protect yours.

Boundaries have to do with what you think is right or wrong. Boundaries are about how you handle situations that may hurt you or your family. These are the things that you just won't let happen under your watch.

There is an excellent book on boundaries by Townsed and Cloud, entitled "Boundaries" that you might want to look at.

God Bless.

JL

First, watch this video:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html.

Please stop trying to get your husband to admit he was wrong, to say he's sorry, etc. It is not helping any when he has been wounded so badly. It's like that saying rubbing salt into an injured wound or whatever.

You have to take full responsibility for what you did. Other people have marriages that are not great but they do not step outside of the marriage to have their needs met. You had an affair because you had poor boundaries, allowed a member of the opposite sex to meet some of your intimate needs and failed to protect yourself, your husband and the marriage from intrusion.

You say your marriage was not great but your BH did not go out and have an affair.

When your husband was angry and asked you to stop. You chose not to, that violates Harley's rule of care and POJA. You should never do anything that the other person is not enthusiastic about.

Right now the most you can do is to apologize to him, take 100% responsibility. Show him have you have cut off all contact, give him your passwords to your accounts. Give him a list of EP that will state how you alone will prevent another affair (a list of boundaries). Clean up your side of the fence, make yourself a better person, go seek the counseling he suggested you do and hope that he will take you back. Take care of your daughters, explain to them what you did and your choices.

I am a WW and have been trying for the past 8 months to fix what I did. But realize that the pain your inflicted is nothing you could ever imagine and if the BS does take you back, they have given you a huge gift that we WW do not deserve or really have a right to ask for.

Oh and just give him your list and follow it. Show through your actions you have changed. That is the same thing I did. SOme of the things on my list were that I would spend time one on one with members of the opposite sex for lunch/dinner, etc or even chat in text messages or on the phone. Just follow through on your words because they mean nothing to him. You took vows which you broke, how can he believe what you are saying.

Sorry not trying to be harsh just explaining how I have had to deal with things and the reality when you betray a spouse.

Ok, you asked how you begin to compensate. Well hold on, because you aren't going to like it.

First, you are going to delete FB, and never again partake in any social networking sites on the internet.

Second, you will tell all of your friends and family why you and your BH are separated, and will do so with only this statement; "H and I are separated because I had an emotional affair with POSOM."

You will not justify as you have tried to do here, and yes, you will name the OM.

If anyone asks why, the ONLY answer is "Because I was selfish and cruel."

You will tell this to your parents and his, your siblings and his, and you will tell your children.

You will write a no contact letter to the OM, and give it to your husband to approve and mail.

If OM is married, you will call his wife, tell her what was going on, and apologize for assaulting her marriage.

If you can't do this you can't be taken seriously that you want to recover your marriage.

Did you send a NC letter?

Unfriending is not an option after you have had a FB affair. You need to shut down the FB down.

There are numerous numerous folks on this site in Plan A, Plan B for months, sometimes years getting none of their ENs met by their wandering/abusive spouse, yet they do not have affairs. So sorry, trying to pin your suscetpibility on the problems in the M isn't going to work here.

You were talking to an old boyfriend on FB, that's just asking for trouble no matter the state of the M.

Okay, after ML, JL, WW and I hit you with the cold-water of "the view from the BS side" HHH gave you the starting points for recovery. Several of them you could have finished by lunch, specifically deleting your FB entry, and informing your immediate family what you did to create this situation.

(If you want to debate the necessity of these actions, please don't waste our time. You've got to consider two things here:
1 - We out here have been through the other side of the hell you're experiencing, and know what it took to forgive our WS's and decide to continue with them.
2 - Your marriage is in the crapper; your opinions about repairing a marriage have somewhat less validity than those opinions you had for maintaining one.
This is NOT an emotional-support-is-all-important feel-good site. This site helps folks involved in marriages damaged by infidelity put ACTION PLANS in place, and follow them, to repair the damage.)

Good, now after doing those two things, contact your husband (phone is best, but e-mail if you think he's still too angry to listen) and tell him what you've done, and what your next steps are going to be (the rest of HHH's list). Tell him you're sorry, that you were stupid, and cruel, and that you hope you actions will help him heal. NOTHING about recovery yet.

Got it? Stop reading. Go to work. Come back when you can tell us that they're done, and how you informed your BH.

teachergirl - I've only got a few minutes as I've got to get ready for work, but I will try to pop back in later.

First of all - OK, so I can agree with you - your M may not have been perfect. Neither was mine. Both you and your BH were 50% responsible for the state of your M, before you chose to have an A.

But - here's what the OP's have been trying to get across to you: The decision to engage in an affair was 100% your fault. I did the same thing. What a crappy way to deal with problems in our marriages, wouldn't you agree?

Now, that said - you must first address the damage you have done to your BH and to your M by your A. Minimizing it by saying "it wasn't physical" and so on is not helping. What you did to your BH is like shooting him in the heart. Now, he's on the floor bleeding out and you want to slap a bandaid on it and tell him to get up, 'cause you are telling him it was partly his fault for stepping in front of the gun.

HUH????

I have been where you are, and in fact I am separated now, b/c my H decided he ultimately did not want to remain in a M with someone like me. And that is something that you may have to face as well. Ultimately your BH is perfectly within his rights to walk away. If you begin to show humility, remorse, and honesty you may have a snowball's chance. But please, please, if you want to recover your M, address the damage done by the A FIRST...

PS - you'll get some hard knocks at times on this forum. But if you are serious about saving your M, stick around. The reason you get those hard knocks is that people here actually are pro-M and WANT to see you succeed - if you are serious about succeeding. You won't find as many dedicated, pro-M people to support you IRL, I can guarantee it.

If you had the affair why does he have to do all the changing? Why does he have to say he is sorry? All you talk about is changing him, but you are the one who had the affair. You sure don't sound sorry to me. You sound defensive, hostile and entitled. And yes, you do blame him. Otherwise you wouldn't be dragging out his faults here. The foggy comments would lead me to believe you are still in contact with your OM. Your H may believe you are lying about ending contact. I know I sure do.

I don't see how that is going to attract him back. There is nothing here, in fact, that would motivate me to take you back if I were him.

So if I were you, I would ask yourself why he should be interested in taking you back and focus on that. Drop the blame, drop the hostility and grow a little humility. You are not entitled to a reconciliation, after all.

I do understand his feelings, because I was on the other end of the rope early in our marriage
Can you elaborate more on this as well???