Tell her to tell him you are not going to meet him afterall.

That you wrote the message when you were feeling upset and that you prefer to remain in no-contact while his affair continues.

Then continue in plan B.

Oh no, I am not recommending you bad mouth him. I am recommending you tell him the truth and give him moral guidance about adultery so your husband and his adultery partner don't confuse him. Your silence will confuse him more. If you want to screw with a kids head, introduce him to immoral situation but pretend like everything is ok. And that is ok if you endorse adultery, as your husband does. But if you are against adultery, I would teach your 5 year old right from wrong. I assure you he senses something is very wrong with this set up and if you don't validate that instinct he will learn to doubt his instincts about right and wrong and conclude he is stupid.

Take it from someone who was introduced to her father's adultery partners as young as age 4. It is confusing as hell. My mothers silence added to that confusion and I figured out very early on that I was a very stupid girl. Obviously what seemed wrong to me was not wrong to adults. I didn't know how to voice that confusion at age 4, but I knew something was very, very off. Don't do that to your kids.

If its ok for your husband to teach your children that wrong is right, it is ok for you to teach them that wrong is wrong.

Hyacinth, let me ask this another way. If you won't teach your kids right from wrong, WHO WILL? Whose job is that?

Hyacinth, do me a couple of favours would ya? First, don't leave the boards for so long, for a while. We need to keep you on track and in a dark plan B. Second, could you get that IM to contact either myself or ML? We offered before. I am willing to help her for a while so she can learn how to filter.

The backbone of a great Plan B is the IM.

Believe me, you need a better IM. She needs to protect you from yourself if nothing else. As an IM, I wouldn't have sent that email to your WH.

Wanna know if I am wealthy? I can tell you that I am no where near it. My house is worth less than what you said you needed to fix yours. There are repairs that need to be done here too. I have my dad, my BIL and ME. That's right. I have learned how to do things that I didn't do before. It actually made me feel GREAT. I have been in Plan B for more than a YEAR.

I see what you're saying. I'm just going to have to think about how to word what I need to say with him. He's very perceptive. Today he heard me on the phone saying something about "safeguarding my kids" and he asked what I meant by safeguarding and then what I was guarding them from. I told him I'd tell him later.

I won't. I was just trying so hard not to think about him or any of this that I couldn't bear to rehash it all again yet.

I will talk to her.

Oh, it's not that it will take 100,000 grand to fix this house, that's just about what it will take to get us free and clear of this house, our other house (which was a rental that is in terrible condition that probably isn't worth what we owe the bank), our home equity line of credit and some other debt. It was all "good" debt (meaning long-term investment-type debt) until we took the "long-term" out of that equation. Things that weren't supposed to be paid off for 5-10-15-20-30 years will have to be paid off NOW for us to get divorced. Damn near impossible. But I'll figure it out. And I am doing as much as I can, with my dad's help and friends' help. Which is why if he ever has to come over and do anything for us to sell this house, it won't be for a very long time (when I've run out of what I can do) and he can do it when I go on vacation or visit friends.

This should be done age appropriately. Like this.

DS5 Mommy, what does safegurading mean?

You It means protecting

DS5 Protecting from what?

You From any and all evils in the world hunny. That's one of Mommy's jobs.

DS5 okay.

My children were 6 and 8 when I exposed to them. It makes it so much easier when they know everything that is going on.

What explanation was he given to explain his father's adultery? Keep in mind that your husband's goal is to teach him that adultery is perfectly acceptable, just another lifestyle choice. His goal is to normalize his crime. That is what your husband is teaching your kids. It is like teaching your kid to steal. So unless you correct that teaching he will grow up and be a little adulterer himself unless he somehow finds out about right and wrong on his own.

He is being taught that anything is acceptable as long as it makes you happy. That lesson will be a disaster when he gets a little older.

And don't get me wrong, some kids do grow up and figure out right from wrong on their own. I taught myself right from wrong when I was in my 30's. Better late than never. I have brothers and sisters who weren't so fortunate, though, and have terrible lives.

I would tell him that his dad is committing adultery with Mrs Skankho and that is a very bad thing like lying or stealing. Married people are not supposed to have girlfriends. It is immoral and very wrong. MrsSkank wants to break up your parents marriage so she can have an affair with your dad.

It is very likely that he already senses something is very wrong, and he just needs you to validate that and give him some moral guidance. Tell him WHY adultery is immoral and how much his dad's affair hurts you.

Tell her to tell him that you cannot make it until skanko is out of the picture. No additional explanation necessary.

I've made plans to leave work early today to pick up my kids from daycare before the usual time, because my IM was worried that even though he agreed to meet with me today before visitation, that he would try to do an end run around me and pick them up before we "meet" anyway. I haven't canceled the meeting yet, because if I cancel the meeting and visitation now, I know he will get angry and go get the kids. I don't have any leave left at work, so I can't take the day off. I don't work in the town we live and daycare is in. I tried to find someone who could pick up my kids early and keep them until I could get there, but since it was last minute I couldn't. And since we don't have a custody agreement, I can't tell daycare not to let him have them (well, I could try but they wouldn't do it because they can't). So, hopefully just being there about an hour early is going to be enough.

After I pick them up, my IM is going to send him an email that says the meeting is canceled and that visitation is canceled because exposing our children to his adulterous affair shows a complete lack of judgment, no concern for their well-being and is harmful to them.

He's going to be really angry and the only reason why I care about that is that I am not sure what his reaction will be. Normally, I would not worry, but the fact that he exposed my children to the OW (5YO told me this morning that they didn't just go to dinner, she came to the park with them, too) shows that he is not acting the way anyone would have predicted. In fact, I've been saying for the last month that I was worried this would happen and everyone has been saying there is no way he would do this. And then he did and everyone was shocked and said it was crazy. So, normally I wouldn't worry that he was going to do anything extreme, but now I am not so sure.

I'm also working on writing an exposure letter to his sister and her husband. They don't know anything that has happened since the beginning of the year, don't know we have tried to reconcile and think we have been separated all this time. I want them to know that this woman isn't a "girlfriend," but is actually another affair partner, because I think that he's going to do two things. 1) Try to get their support when I cut off visitation and say I am being crazy and unreasonable and 2)Take OW to their home and family functions as a legitimate "girlfriend."

Like I said, I'm writing an exposure letter to his sister and her husband (WH's best friend, but who he hasn't spoken to in months). It is an update of the last 5 months; very detailed because his sister will want details. Is anyone here willing to take a look at the first draft? It's very, very, very long.

Feel free to post it, but wouldn't a phone call work just as well?

Possibly. You do have a point.

I guess my reason for an email is that all of the information on the past five months is totally new information to them, so it would give her time to process it all without having to have a two-way conversation. But I am thinking that a conversation is probably better because then she can ask questions.

He has hidden from his family the fact that were were even trying to reconcile for the past five months. This new OW is going to be presented by him as a girlfriend that he is entitled to date since his family believes he and I have been separated since December and on the way to divorce court. When I first told his mom a few weeks ago about my fear that he would have the boys around OW, her response was that he is entitled to introduce them to someone he is dating! Seriously?! I yelled at her that he CAN'T date because we are still MARRIED. He is going to tell them that I am being crazy and unreasonable for stopping his visitation and that I am using the kids as a weapon. I know in the end they are going to side with him because he is their blood, but I was exposing to try to get them to influence him to snap out of it. Thoughts?

Personally, I am in favor of the email and maybe a follow up call. The reason being that your SIL can forward your email to other family members. And I would encourage her to do that very thing.

Okay, but now my problem is that I went into WAY too much detail in the email and it is something like 6 pages long (as a Word document)! I am trying to figure out how to edit it down to not be so overwhelming.

A good old voice activated recorder would be nice to carry around if your WH attempts to speak with you.

It will help you keep an even keel and document any statements he makes towards you.

Hopefully you won't hear from him.

Also, I'm telling you right now, even if I ask her, she will NOT forward the email to anyone. The whole family is too passive. I've talked to his mother three times in the past month and she still has not confronted him! They are all so uncomfortable and embarrassed by what he has done and is doing, they would rather pretend it isn't happening, which is easy for them to do since they live 100 to 1,500 miles away.

Cut it back to about 3 paragraphs before you send it.