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Yep. The big thing here is patience. It took months/years to get where you are now, so it takes months/years to get where you want to be. There is no quick fix here. Consistent actions on your part will eventually shine through and burn off that fog.Keep making those deposits and soon enough she will see the true measure of a man.
Im rooting for you and for myself. I have screwed this up so many times its crazy. Im very affective at killing A's but very affective at becoming complacent. Coming here daily to help anyone in need will help my accountability as to my own actions.
For now you have done the heavy lifting and you did what had to be done. Now just sit back with your eyes and ears open and let your actions speak for you.


Divorced 11/5/2013
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Hilsmon #2508811 05/13/11 08:24 AM
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SH, Just checking in on you man. Hope all is well.


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Hilsmon #2508912 05/13/11 11:49 AM
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All is well, and at the same time it isn't. (If that makes any sense).

It would appear that all is getting better at first glance. My wife and I are being very loving with one another. Hugs, kiss, and I love yous all around. I am the primary one to initiate that contact though. Its usually her just reciprocating, you know? She calls me when I'm working and texts me with casual conversation though so that's a good sign. She seems to be thawing slowly but surely.

What sucks though is that I'm driving myself crazy with suspicion. I know it's because my trust has been violated by this whole situation. But now I'm being suspicious and my doubts are proving to be false. I'm driving myself crazy.

Example. Last night, my mom mentions that my WW texted her from a weird phone number. She says at first they were texting back and forth from her normal phone number, then all of a sudden she starts getting replies that appear to be continuing the conversation that they were having but from a weird phone number.

My mind immediately races. "Did she get a new phone to contact HIM?" or...."Is she using one of those downloaded free text apps to contact HIM?!"

I call the number. A machine voice tells me it is one of those text free numbers.

Now, in my mind I automatically jump to the conclusion that she has downloaded that app and has been using it to contact him all along. I'm defeated inside. Back to square one with NC and the fight to get her back, my mind conspires.

So, I confront her and ask her about it. She insists she never has downloaded that app. She explains that conversation as follows. She got tired of texting my mom so she told my daughter "Hey text your grandma this". She made my daughter finish the conversation for her from her iPod (which she does have the text free app and uses to text me all the time).

I text the number from my phone, and sure as hell it identifies the number as my daughter's text free number from my phone book.

She was telling the truth and I immediately assumed the worst. I felt like such a piece of garbage.

Beyond the lingering suspicions from my shattered self-esteem though, I feel more madly in love with my wife than I have in a long time. I really feel like a high school kid with a new girlfriend.

Hope prevails my friends...but so do my suspicions and that saddens me.

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I'm not a Vet but I will tell you this is VERY NORMAL and will get better in time. It will take a long time for trust to start coming back. I still do that to my husband now and he just calmly explains and askes me if there is anything else he can do for me to feel safe.

I still snoop and plan on snooping untill I feel safe not to (I dont know if that will ever come completly). He will just have to understand that is what I need.

Last edited by Jlamphere; 05/13/11 11:55 AM.

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As a WS...I just look as these as little opportunities to prove myself and fill his love bank. You shouldn't feel badly, it is a natural reaction. Just don't approach her in a mean or nasty way.

Good luck

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Originally Posted By: ShatteredHope

She was telling the truth and I immediately assumed the worst. I felt like such a piece of garbage.



SH, I am not understanding WHY you felt like a piece of garbage? crazy Of course you should assume the worst with an untrustworthy person. You don't trust her. You SHOULD NOT TRUST HER. It is your responsibility to ask these questions and continually hold her accountable. That is a good thing, NOT a bad thing. You are SUPPOSED TO BE ASKING THESE QUESTIONS. It was too much trust that led to her affair. Don't make that mistake again!!

Checking up on her early and often will help you trust again. Make that a WAY OF LIFE and it will be nearly impossible for her to carry on another affair. Isn't that a good thing?

Your feeling bad for being responsible is VERY INAPPROPRIATE. STOP IT!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm driving myself crazy
So far your looking great man. Keep on showing the carrot.
You my friend may have found a trigger. If "they" were texting/emailing before, then every time a text/email comes in or you see going out by her on her cell phone it may trigger you. If so remove the trigger (text/Email ability) at least for now AND if she agrees to it for say 30 days.But your gonna have plenty of these Triggers.
So far you are getting the optimal responses that you want. Keep the love bank filling up and the love busters eliminated.
Now what was it you were scared of a few days ago again? Manage your memories as best as you can! Think about today and the future a little more.
You also just found you had a little more resentment now that shes actually trying to fill up your ENs too. We all do!
But keep affirming most importantly that things have to change and that you have to have some talks about change in your life.
When shes ready share SSA and LB books together. Work the worksheets when shes willing. You may want to print EN questionnaire two times. Fill yours out and attach a blank copy and test the waters by taking action first.
Oh and vent here smile Great Job!Remember the plan as is with the 2 conditions. NC for life with OM and a plan of M recovery.

Last edited by Hilsmonemoretime; 05/13/11 02:52 PM.

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Small suggestion: I wouldn't be showing the book His Needs Her Needs to a wayward. She needs to see Surviving an Affair. In HNHN, Dr Harley talks alot about how unmet EN can lead to an affair, in SAA he talks alot about poor boundaries lead to affairs. The former message is not the message you want to send to a WS.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody is right my post edited as I agree smile


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Quote:
So, I confront her and ask her about it. She insists she never has downloaded that app. She explains that conversation as follows.

Quote:
She was telling the truth and I immediately assumed the worst.


That is all very normal. It will take time for your WS to start anticipating your fears and suspicions and tell you BEFORE that she is going to do the following, so you'll know and won't get upset. It will start with defogging and on due course it will become a habit. Right now, she does not realise yet how much pain she has caused to you nor does she see what situations trigger you the most and what she can do to easy your pain, because most of the time she is busy with herself. You need some patience, even defogging is a process.


Me, FWW: 43
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane

SH, I am not understanding WHY you felt like a piece of garbage? crazy Of course you should assume the worst with an untrustworthy person. You don't trust her. You SHOULD NOT TRUST HER. It is your responsibility to ask these questions and continually hold her accountable. That is a good thing, NOT a bad thing. You are SUPPOSED TO BE ASKING THESE QUESTIONS. It was too much trust that led to her affair. Don't make that mistake again!!

Checking up on her early and often will help you trust again. Make that a WAY OF LIFE and it will be nearly impossible for her to carry on another affair. Isn't that a good thing?

Your feeling bad for being responsible is VERY INAPPROPRIATE. STOP IT!!


I guess the reason I feel bad is two-fold. First, by assuming the worst didn't I make a Disrepectful Judgment? Definitely trying to avoid LBs at all cost.

Second, would be my own personal issue and would be a matter of ego. I hate being wrong. I rely heavily on gut feeling and instinct. My gut feeling was completely wrong, and yes like most men, I hate to be wrong. That's my issue I have to work through, I know.

In regards to LBs, though, I did approach her very tacticfully and chose my words wisely when I asked her about it. I explained how it made me feel while at the same time explaining how much love and hope I have for her and our M. She took it very well and was actually very kind in explaining the situation. She didn't seem mad at all and has not been acting any differently since I asked her about it. She's still being very loving and caring.

Which brings me to a question I have about these very intense feelings of renewed love I have for my wife right now: Am I experiencing a form of Stockholm Syndrome???? You know, where she hurt me so bad that any small form affection (or lack of pain infliction) she shows me builds a sense of undying loyalty and empathy for her within me?

I sure hope I'm overthinking this one.

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Originally Posted By: ShatteredHope
[
I guess the reason I feel bad is two-fold. First, by assuming the worst didn't I make a Disrepectful Judgment? Definitely trying to avoid LBs at all cost.


nononononononno!!! You are not assuming the worst, YOU ARE ASSUMING REALITY. And that has been your shortcoming in the past. It is not a DJ to hold your wife accountable, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Quote:
Second, would be my own personal issue and would be a matter of ego. I hate being wrong. I rely heavily on gut feeling and instinct. My gut feeling was completely wrong, and yes like most men, I hate to be wrong. That's my issue I have to work through, I know.


You were not WRONG. Something looked suspicious and you checked it out. That has nothing to do being wrong. It is all about being RESPONSIBLE. When you are suspicious, ask her to verify the facts so you can rest your suspicions. You need to rule it in or out. That has nothing to do with "being wrong."

Quote:
In regards to LBs, though, I did approach her very tacticfully and chose my words wisely when I asked her about it. I explained how it made me feel while at the same time explaining how much love and hope I have for her and our M. She took it very well and was actually very kind in explaining the situation. She didn't seem mad at all and has not been acting any differently since I asked her about it. She's still being very loving and caring.


You handled this very well, so I am puzzled why you are having such an irrational, inappropriate reaction.

Quote:
Which brings me to a question I have about these very intense feelings of renewed love I have for my wife right now: Am I experiencing a form of Stockholm Syndrome???? You know, where she hurt me so bad that any small form affection (or lack of pain infliction) she shows me builds a sense of undying loyalty and empathy for her within me?


That is referred to as hysterical bonding. When a divorce is averted, the INITIAL feelings are ones of relief. That will wear off and then anger and fury will come out. In a few months you will be asking why you settled for this cheater!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane

oh good, that makes me feel better. I agree: FIRE THAT COUNSELOR! You would get better results from manicurist. At least getting pedicures won't harm your marriage.

OMGOsh!! rotflmao


But seriously:
SH, can you get a call into Steve Harley? He could probably undo the harm this MC did and really get your W onboard with a recovery program. This would be the perfect time to do it!

Last edited by SusieQ; 05/13/11 04:39 PM.

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First, by assuming the worst didn't I make a Disrepectful Judgment? Nope.Your taker is protecting you. Natural. Just confirm any suspicions as you did. Calmly.

Enjoy the hysterical bonding. Its a great time to fill up that low Love Bank. Its also a great time to get as much SF as you want smile Thats a reward you should really enjoy smile

Melody is so right that your next issues are going to be ones of Resentment and Anger. Manage them by doing some of the stuff your doing. Take the Anger out on the weights and the resentment by reading and thinking about how she is Today and how much better it will be in the future. Once you have POJA and PORH in place and you both understand the importance of ENs. Well then my friend comes the true peace and love that a M can offer. TIME. It will take that. 20 hours a week minimal.

Im very happy for you man. I know its hard and hurts but you caught this early and killed it quickly (maybe as trust isnt given its earned over time). Enjoy your (F)WWs new discovery. She didnt like where it was heading and also remember your M was lacking many things pre A. The work is just beginning.


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SusieQ #2509290 05/14/11 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
That is referred to as hysterical bonding. When a divorce is averted, the INITIAL feelings are ones of relief. That will wear off and then anger and fury will come out. In a few months you will be asking why you settled for this cheater!


I'm not looking forward to being angry. This is one of those situations where I find it unfortunate that you guys are right about what I should expect next.

Originally Posted By: SusieQ
But seriously:
SH, can you get a call into Steve Harley? He could probably undo the harm this MC did and really get your W onboard with a recovery program. This would be the perfect time to do it!


I would like nothing more than to speak with him and have him help my M. She's still not open to it yet. Even though everything I'm doing that has worked has been because I'm following the MB process she's still fixated on the fact that I found the exposure process here as well. Because she disagreed with the one tactic that HAD to be painful in this process, she puts no credence into the rest of the process.

She needs a little more time to come around before I'm going to try and get her to speak to Dr. Harley.

Last edited by ShatteredHope; 05/14/11 01:14 PM.
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Yep right on tract my man. Theres no quick fix on anger/resentment at times your gonna be thinking Why the He11 did I even try and a mired of negatives. For now just keep on plan, you can take the 2x4 to her later on. VENT here. Love there wink


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Hilsmon #2509419 05/15/11 05:01 AM
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I'm still not angry. The hurt is still there though. It seems to be getting worse at times. The feelings of sadness and betrayal have not lessened and prevent me from sleeping well. No matter how tired I get, I can't sleep without waking up repeatedly unless I take sleeping pills.

I experience intense separation anxiety every time we're apart now. I miss her dearly when we're apart but I also fear that any separation could be a trigger for her to break NC.

Still no closure. She won't even talk about what happened with me. She wants to pretend like it didn't happen and for me just to move on with our life and to never bring it up again.

It's like she either doesn't care or doesn't want to accept how much pain I'm in because of her A.

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All WSs want to forgive and forget. Thats fine for now as long as your 2 conditions remain firmly planted. NC TO OM period! Some type of plan on recovery. We know what the some type is, she doesn't yet.
Common feeling unfortunately for you and all of us BSs. Sleep whats sleep I nap smile
As her fog gets cleared off she will see it. Then the EPs and Boundaries start getting discussed. Pre empt them now as something you need to heal. Soon enuf you should see the remorse and sorrow show up with her. Then her mind will open up a little more. I hate to say it like this but its almost like training a new pup. First things first and then you introduce more training as they master old ones. With the occasional loving pop on the nose.
Still early in this, so just keep the carrot going and reinforcing the 2 conditions.
Manage them memories my man. Hard to do I know. Theres gonna be highs and lows. Maybe for a few years. Sorry but thats recovery process. But when the plan is followed there is a pot of gold at the end.


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Thanks for listening and thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.

I will persist. I was just venting after a long hard night.

Vent online. Love her offline.

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Originally Posted By: ShatteredHope


Vent online. Love her offline.


You got it !
dance2

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