You never know. It might come up in conversation and the SIL could pass the email along.

I'm trying! I'm just sooooo wordy.

Quit dat!!

Believe me, I know. I've known her for 24 years, too. There won't be any conversations for it to come up in.

Are you working on whittling that letter down to 3 paragraphs???

Yes! It's a LOT of whittling. I'll post it here when I get it down.

If you post it, there are some great editors here that can help you (not me!)

Here is the second (shorter) draft of my exposure letter to his sister. A little background: First, when my BIL confronted him about his first affair (the only person who did), WH fed him a BS story that it was a one-night stand and that our marriage was terrible for a long time and BIL bought it and told me to give up and move on. Nice. They do not know we have tried to reconcile and other than his mom, they do not know about this new OW. Also, his sister's first husband cheated on her for years before she finally divorced him and BIL's father was a serial cheater on his mother (both his parent's are deceased now).

Dear SIL ~

WH and I have been trying to reconcile since the first week of January when he came to me talking about his willingness to try to work things out and I agreed. Throughout January, February and March, we spent nearly every day together in this effort. We went on dates every single weekend (our babysitter must have thought she won the lottery). Although he still had that apartment and still travels often for work, he slept at least half of the nights each week at our house with me and told me he loves me.

I know he told BIL that the first girl he had an affair with (her name) was a one-time fling and is �unimportant,� however, I�ve learned that they have remained in constant contact ever since their affair started the second week of November. Behind my back, he spends hours texting her and on the phone with her.

On April 2, he began a second affair with [second OW], hooking up with her at a bar here in [our town]. When I discovered that he was sexually involved with this woman, I broke contact with him on the evening of Monday, April 11. He drove straight to her house to spend the night. That weekend he claimed he couldn�t have our boys for an overnight visitation so that he could spend the weekend sleeping at her house. And he has continued this ever since.

On Wednesday, May 11, he started exposing DS5 and DS3 to this woman and their adulterous affair directly. This shows a complete lack of judgment, no concern for their well-being and is harmful to them. We are still married. He has only been out of our house completely for a month; the boys have barely had time to process what is going on and adjust to the situation. Their reactions to this are disturbing and I am now seeking help for them.

I�m telling you this out of respect for what you and BIL�s mom have both been through, like me, because I know that before he parades this relationship before you as something other than what it is, that you and your family would want to know the truth. I am also asking for your help. I still love WH. I believe DS5 and DS3 deserve a loving, intact family. If you love WH, me, DS5 and DS3, I ask that you confront him with your opinion. Please use your influence to encourage him to end his affairs. Please ask him to get help for his anxiety and depression so that DS5 and DS3 can trust him and depend on him to safeguard their well-being. Right now, this is not about him or about me. I have known about his newest affair almost since it started and no matter how hurt and disrespected I may have felt because of his adultery, I have said nothing and have allowed him the freedom to live his life and make his own choices while I have only asked him for the same so I could try to detach and move on. However, when he threatens the well-being of my children, their emotional security, sense of stability and sense of right and wrong, then I have to step in.

Thank you for any help or support you are willing to give.

Love,
Hyacinth


Opinions?

I think that is perfect except that I would ADD NAMES. They need to know the names of the OW.

That was clear and concise and even a Texan could get the point!

In the real email I have names. I just took them out to post here.

Sounds good. I'd tweak that last paragraph a bit, but either way gets the point across:

I love it, Northwood!! The only change I would make is to remove that word "confront." That is a dirty word to a conflict avoider. If she says something like "can you use your influence to persuade him...." it is not so scary to a CA.

Agreed, ML.

Although, if I "had my druthers" his relatives would go completely gonzo on the guy.

Well, I have my kids and my IM sent him the email saying "I�m sorry that I have to cancel your visit until we come to an agreement. Exposing DS5 and DS3 to your adulterous affair shows a complete lack of judgment, no concern for their well-being and is harmful to them."

She is still stuck at work in a big meeting, but texted me to say he responded and said he is livid and wants an immediate response from me. Here's where I KNOW I did what I shouldn't have done, so go ahead and 2x4 me. She isn't able to edit the email right now due to work. I was worried that he was thinking of calling the police (I think I mentioned he's in a line of work where they would cooperate with him even if he wasn't completely in the right). She stressed that he wanted an IMMEDIATE response, so I told her to forward the entire email to me. So I've read it.

He's totally irrational, ignoring entirely the issue of OW, claiming I did it with this timing because he's going out of town for a week, threatening to get a lawyer, etc.

Should I respond? And how should I respond? Should I post it here for you to dissect and tell me what to do?

Again, I KNOW I shouldn't have had her send it, but in his line of work we were both scared at what he might do.

This was my email to him. I know I'm not supposed to address him directly, but it was simpler this way and anyway I'm not worried about protecting him.

I�m sorry to cancel at the last minute, but there was absolutely no one who was supportive of me meeting with you. Continuing to have no direct contact with you is safer and healthier for me.

In addition, I�m truly sorry that I have to cancel your visit until we come to an agreement. Exposing DS5 and DS3 to your adulterous affair shows a complete lack of judgment, no concern for their well-being and is harmful to them. Everyone � my family, your family and our friends � supports me in this.

I think right now you are probably too angry for us to resolve anything, but I fear you are missing the point. This is not about you or about me. I have known about your newest affair almost since it started and no matter how hurt and disrespected I may have felt because of your adultery, I have said nothing and have allowed you the freedom to live your life and make your own choices. However, when you threaten the well-being of my children, their emotional security, sense of stability and sense of right and wrong, then I have to step in.

I would like it if we can quickly come to an agreement regarding custody issues between the two of us, rationally and without animosity. I think it�s best for the boys if you can resume visits as soon as possible. They miss you very much and need their father participating in their lives in a positive way. We can try to do this through email, but if you feel otherwise, I understand. If we can�t do this on our own, then it is probably time to involve third parties to help us resolve this. As I said yesterday, settling these issues between ourselves will save us time, money and inconvenience and I would like to believe that we agree in most ways on what is best for DS5 and DS3. However we have to do it, we need to settle these issues in the way that is healthiest and most constructive for everyone involved.

Don't respond unless you want to TEACH him that bully tactics work. Throw the letter away.

Can I post you what he wrote?

Take his name out then post it, you will get a better response once we can understand what he says.

Are you kidding me? You sent him that? You sent him a letter telling him you would not have contact with him and then you tell him in the last paragraph that you will have contact with him??

Is this a joke?

If you are not serious about Plan B, then just abandon it, H. What you are doing here is what Dr Harley calls "PLAN C", for compromise, which is the most likely to lead to divorce. As far as I am concerned, you have just emboldened a bully and demonstrated to him that you have no credibility and are not serious.

And that is ok. It is your life and your Plan. But why even keep up the pretense?

I wouldn't respond. IM can tell him she passed on the pertinent message.

If the police are called....what are they going to do? If they come....be calm, polite and matter of fact. Deal with it if they come.

It will make it more public that he is a wayward. More exposure. Yippee!

Now, stop allowing IM to pass on the tantrums and extra verbage. It does you no good and actually invites WH to escalate in hostility. If you are not calm and decide to be reactive, it will make it messier.

Deal with things as you go. Respond vs react ....

be still

breathe.