And do not be intimidated by him , he is angry because he can't get his own way. Hold the line

too late for that.

Here was his email to me:

That was an entire email about nothing. You are talking out both sides of your mouth, telling me that the boys miss me and want to see me, but that I can't see them; telling me that we need to work this out as soon as possible, but cancelling a meeting with me. Please explain to me how we are supposed to get this worked out if you won't meet with me and won't even talk to me? You get whatever [our IM] deems is appropriate based on your request to her, which will probably include none of this message. The opinions of your family, my family, and our friends, who are receiving your rationing of propaganda, are entirely irrelevant to my visitation with my children. It is not always about you, Hyacinth.

You have now violated our custody agreement, unofficial though it may be. You have spent the last five months sandbagging me with [our tenant in the rental house he's been wanting to move into but who has dragged her feet because her first husband did this to her]. You have attempted to hold me captive since this began by taking things like my house key, my truck key, my birth certificate and my passport, and refusing to return them. I don't really give a f--- about any of my possessions, and I don't really give a f--- about money. But you have no right to keep me from my children. Up until this point I have danced to your tune. But it has now become unreasonable. You tell me that we are going to work this out; how, when it sometimes takes you a week (and a reminder from me) to respond to my e-mails? You send me a message, and I respond within a few hours, or immediately if there is something time sensitive. I send you messages and I get responses days later, leaving me to wonder if you ever got it. I will not live like this.

You know you have me in a bad position because I am going to be gone for the next week. That means I will go two weeks without seeing them. So, start working it out. What is your suggestion? And I want responses soon. You have to realize that, as it stands right this minute, there is nothing for me to gain by not immediately going to a lawyer. The only reason I am not is because it is now too late today, and I will be in California all week next week. Don't think I don't appreciate your timing.

I do not say this even remotely as a threat; I am just stating a fact: if this isn't worked out immediately (and I'm not talking as in you decide to email me next week some time), then when I come back I am contacting a lawyer and we can let the court work it out. It will cost us a bunch of money, it will be a much less desirable situation, and neither of us will like the result, I can guarantee you that. But you leave me no choice. You are using the only thing I give a damn about to put pressure on me. There is absolutely no benefit to me sitting here and taking it. I have no money, and now no contact with my children; explain to me how it could get worse? The carrot and the stick only work if used together. A course of all stick loses its effectiveness because eventually the donkey realizes that he has nothing to lose.

I hope to hear from you very soon. Like immediately

Well, was that email you posted your response to his email or something you sent earlier?

If you haven't responded, then don't. Bullies like that, so don't play that game.

I get what you're saying, but we need a custody agreement. So what should I do?

This is a disaster. And for absolutely no good reason.

That was the email I sent telling him the meeting was canceled. Not a response to anything.

STOP contacting him. Stop responding to him. Period. If he tries to contact you directly again, ask your IM to contact him and tell him that all communication needs to go through her.

Just saw your post with his email.

I'd strongly avoid the urge to tell him to go eff himself and NOT RESPOND AT ALL!!!

Let the little boy run to an attorney. Maybe it'll get him to crap or get off the pot.

He's just mad because you are calling the shots and he isn't used to that. Tough.

I agree about doing nothing.
Zip

This is where the train went off the tracks. Just because your bully husband is "mad" and "demands" an immediate response, does not mean he gets it. Your IM should have NEVER reacted to that. There was absolutely no reason to respond and every reason NOT to respond.

So totally ignore him? And not let him see his kids?

I am prepared to do that. I have an appointment with another lawyer next week while he is gone. However, my bet is that the lawyer is going to tell me I have to let him see the kids and since we have no custody agreement, he is going to shack them up with OW, at this point just to spite me. I legally CANNOT deny him access to his kids, and if he doesn't want to agree to keep OW out of their life, there's nothing I can do about it.

Should she even tell him she told me any of that information at all?

Better still as he claims he has no money how does he intend to pay for the attorney, what is done is done , take it as a learning.

Next time hunker down .

I discovered he just took out a $5,000 personal loan. So he CAN afford an attorney. I'm the one who can't.

I have to apologize to you. I knew when I told her to forward it to me that I shouldn't ask her and she shouldn't do it, but I panicked and I did it anyway. I am trying to learn to give up control here and stop relying on my poor judgment, listen to what you all have to say, and follow your advice.

You can include a clause that your children are not to be with the OW , he will challenge it, you hold out for it, you are not denying him his children you are denying the OW access to your family. A big difference.

The lawyer works for you so he formalises the words to your requirements.

Do not withhold your kids from him. Have the IM send him a message that they are not to be exposed to his affair. If he can't promise that, then you are not letting the kids around him. If he will agree to not expose them to the OW he can see them.

And you tell that damn attorney that your kids are NOT to be around the OW and she NEEDS TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN. You see, the attorney works for YOU, not the other way around. Attorneys will typically take the easiest, softest route because they want their job to be easy. They will ALWAYS advocate the path of least resistance because they don't give a ratsass about your kids and they don't care about your marriage.

Your IM should have told you NONE of this today. None of it.

The best divorce firm in the city told me that I can't get this included if he fights it.

Can you take a credit card out in his name?

No she shouldn't tell him she told you the info.
Have her practice saying "I am only passing pertinent facts. Thank you for sharing."
Then, she should only pass those facts. whatever is happening (either with kids schedules or health or financial issues).

I will let others reply on the kid issue. (I have kids but haven't had this situation)