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Will this be sent by the IM? This needs to come from her. No more messages from you. Something like "Hyacinth has advised that she will permit visitation as long as the kids are not exposed to your mistress. If you can assure this, then she will arrange visitation." I will have her send that exact statement if that is what should be sent. (Can I add "or your affair in any way" after the word mistress?). Everyone in agreement? And how exactly is he going to assure this? In writing? Because he is a crazy liar.
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Will this be sent by the IM? This needs to come from her. No more messages from you. Something like "Hyacinth has advised that she will permit visitation as long as the kids are not exposed to your mistress. If you can assure this, then she will arrange visitation." I will have her send that exact statement if that is what should be sent. (Can I add "or your affair in any way" after the word mistress?). Everyone in agreement? Sounds good!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Will this be sent by the IM? This needs to come from her. No more messages from you. Something like "Hyacinth has advised that she will permit visitation as long as the kids are not exposed to your mistress. If you can assure this, then she will arrange visitation." I will have her send that exact statement if that is what should be sent. (Can I add "or your affair in any way" after the word mistress?). Everyone in agreement? And how exactly is he going to assure this? In writing? Because he is a crazy liar. You have no way to assure this. Even getting it in writing is no assurance. But you will know when your boy comes home what has happened. Does your boy have a cell phone? Have you explained the affair to him so he is not in a state of confusion?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2011
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This kind of crap is very traumatic for a BS. Are you ok? I am in therapy and I am medicated ;), but it's still hard seeing 24 years of my life plus my whole future crumble because the person who is supposed to love and protect me the most in the world is now the person who hurts me the most. But you all get that.
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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I am inclined to think you drag it out , change the words to includes something like sign a legal agreement.
Your husband cannot be trusted , he will agree and break the agreement within minutes of having the children.
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It is highly unlikely a legal document can be obtained via an attorney today. Thus no visitation, you cannot trust him.
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H, another reason to tell your son is so that he can lodge his own objection if your H tries to trot out that ho. Your son can express his own displeasure about being around that bad woman.
Refresh my memory, did you expose to her family?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You have no way to assure this. Even getting it in writing is no assurance. But you will know when your boy comes home what has happened. Does your boy have a cell phone?
Have you explained the affair to him so he is not in a state of confusion? I tried to discuss it with him today, but he became hysterical. He seemed very confused and then wouldn't stop crying -- sobbing, really -- but when I tried to get him to tell me why specifically, he kept saying "nothing." (And then started yelling it because I kept pressing.) I suggested "Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you scared?" But he kept saying no. The best I could get from him is that he agreed that he had "bad feelings inside" but said he didn't want to talk about them with me or anyone else. And this freaks me out not merely because he's hurting, but because THIS IS TOTALLY LIKE HIS DAD. What should I say to him? (I'm calling a counselor for him on Monday.)
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 254
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Posts: 254 |
I have not exposed to her family yet. Her sister is a lawyer here in town, so I have to admit I'm a little freaked about that. Also, in her line of work, she is in a position to kind of harass me. Even if she is smart enough not to harass me herself, she can have her coworkers/friends harass me for her.
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Hyacinth, does your son know that he can say whatever he is feeling without reprecussion? Maybe reassure him of this? It sounds like he is bottling his feelings...
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You have no way to assure this. Even getting it in writing is no assurance. But you will know when your boy comes home what has happened. Does your boy have a cell phone?
Have you explained the affair to him so he is not in a state of confusion? I tried to discuss it with him today, but he became hysterical. He seemed very confused and then wouldn't stop crying -- sobbing, really -- but when I tried to get him to tell me why specifically, he kept saying "nothing." (And then started yelling it because I kept pressing.) I suggested "Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you scared?" But he kept saying no. The best I could get from him is that he agreed that he had "bad feelings inside" but said he didn't want to talk about them with me or anyone else. And this freaks me out not merely because he's hurting, but because THIS IS TOTALLY LIKE HIS DAD. What should I say to him? (I'm calling a counselor for him on Monday.) I could just cry.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 254
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OP
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Hyacinth, does your son know that he can say whatever he is feeling without reprecussion? Maybe reassure him of this? It sounds like he is bottling his feelings... He IS bottling his feelings, but I think he feels conflicted about his dad. I think he feels that thinking or feeling bad things about his dad is wrong, because he loves him.
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 254
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 254 |
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I have not exposed to her family yet. Her sister is a lawyer here in town, so I have to admit I'm a little freaked about that. Also, in her line of work, she is in a position to kind of harass me. Even if she is smart enough not to harass me herself, she can have her coworkers/friends harass me for her. There is nothing they can do to you for exposing the affair. The truth is a defense. And you better do this, Hyacinth. Unless you want that ho sitting up front at your son's wedding some day.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did tell DS5 that she was a bad woman and that his dad shouldn't be friends with her. And that she should not be around DS. I explained that she was doing things that were hurting mommy and that daddy should know that, but he is very unhappy and is making a mistake.
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
H, keep trying to talk to him. I remember the confusion I felt when I was a kid and my dad took me around his mistresses. Your son KNOWS this is wrong.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 254
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OP
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Posts: 254 |
H, keep trying to talk to him. I remember the confusion I felt when I was a kid and my dad took me around his mistresses. Your son KNOWS this is wrong. I plan to.
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I did tell DS5 that she was a bad woman and that his dad shouldn't be friends with her. And that she should not be around DS. I explained that she was doing things that were hurting mommy and that daddy should know that, but he is very unhappy and is making a mistake. That is good, H. And hopefully he will come to you and talk to you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Posts: 254
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Can I just say that although my IM is STILL stick in that meeting, I brought my kids to her house so WH couldn't find me in case he went nuts (she and her H just moved and WH doesn't know where their new house is). She and her H do not have any kids (and don't want them), but for the last -- hour? How long have we been here? -- her H has been entertaining my 2 little boys in his not-childproofed house with no toys. They have been awesome to me (even if we still need to work on the filtering thing).
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 254
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OP
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Okay, so to double check, I am having my IM send this statement: Hyacinth has advised me that she will permit visitation as long as the boys are not exposed to your mistress or your affair in any way. If you can assure this, then she will arrange visitation.
And then I will have her contact ML and Scotty (whose email addys I have) to get better instructions regarding filtering. (This weekend hopefully.)
Me (BW, 40), WH (42)
Married 18 yrs (together 24)
2 sons: 3 and 5
PA OW#1: 11/10/10 - 11/12/10 on business trip
Became EA: 11/13/11 (OW#1 2,000 miles away)
D-Day: 11/18/10
Confronted: 11/20/10
Kicked him out: 12/15/10
Plan A: 01/08/11
PA OW#2 started: 04/02/11
D-DAY OW#2: 04/11/11
Plan B: 04/11/11
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