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You've partially exposed her affair, but you're going to need proof to counter her crap ("good father, poor husband"), with evidence of the truth ("poor mother, %@&()?@%% wife"). Some of this also is protection for your situation when she goes ballistic after full exposure. Being publically outed as a skank affects many women that way.
1 - Put a keylogger on any computer she uses that you can access. 2 - Put Flexispy on her cell-phone. 3 - Put a VAR in her car, or any room she would use to take private calls. 4 - Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it with you, and "on" at all times in her presence (preventing bogus "domestic violence" complaints). 5 - Assemble an extensive and complete e-address list of all people with leverage on your WW - parents, siblings (sisters are very good), friends, clergy, co-workers, sorority sisters, everybody. This will be the distribution list for nuclear exposure. 6 - Make a list of all joint financial accounts. Anticipate moving half the funds from all of them into pre-established private accounts at exposure. 7 - Inventory all assets and the title to each - home, cars, etc. 8 - Research the divorce laws of your jurisdiction, and the relevance of proof of adultery thereon. 9 - Take care of yourself physically - eat right, drink water, exercise. 10 - Take solace that you're in contact with a lot of folks who have been through where you are now.
But if you can't commit to having her leave her job (unless he does), you should simply resign yourself to being second-fiddle in your WW's romantic life. Right now she loves him; she does NOT love you. That CANNOT change without removal from his presence.
She has hinted about us staying together but not explicitly saying it. She flip-flops and puts me through an emotional roller-coaster of uncertainty. Now she says she's worried the universe won't work out and she refused to elaborate. I know she wants the OM's marriage to fail after he makes a token attempt to fix it, and they can be together.
And this is why you expose to the OM's wife AND the OM's parents. You will not only destroy the current affair but by telling the OM's parents you will destroy any future hope of this affair. If his parents know she is just a married woman who is committing adultery, they will NEVER welcome her into the family. If the OM's mother is decent, she would never dream of allowing your wife to darken her doorstep.
This exposure will dash your wife's hopes of a future with the OM. You need to run this vermin off. He is attacking your marriage and your child's family. Here is the message you need to send to that scumbag:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Yes lets send them off half cocked to call OMW without a plan first. When I made that comment he had little info to go on. What if he had picked up the phone and just called her then without a FULL understanding of the exposure process. no reason to withhold this information from the wife for one second Again I dont agree. It should be his first call AFTER he has all targets aligned. Or its just a continuation of trickling the E.
But no one is suggesting a trickle exposure. Telling him to expose to the OMW today does not mean he can't do this strategically. I gave him a strategic PLAN along with a list of targets and even exposure letters. It doesn't take a week to put that together.
I fully expect him to do this TODAY unless there is a compelling he can't.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
You�re going to get universal advice for what you must do versus what you will want to do. I also get a feeling that you�re the type of man that will be afraid to follow the advice of what you must do to save your marriage. I hope I�m wrong, but here goes:
Stop enabling your wife�s affair. There are some very simple steps to recovery and saving your marriage. They�re all requirements. None of the things I�m about to say are optional things that you can choose to do to save or not save your marriage.
Number one, above all things, is to expose the affair to your family and anyone who can put pressure on the affair. The biggest ally you can have is the OM�s wife, who will probably do more to singlehandedly kill the affair than anyone else.
You must then target all family that can target this behavior and have an influence. You do all exposure without warning. You don�t threaten your wife with exposure. You simply do it and do so in a nuclear fashion. Exposure is shock and awe to an affair since it brings out what has been done in secret into the open and family and friend then render their opinions on it.
Your wife must then quit her job and agree to no contact for life with OM. That means no more working side by side and no more soccer or anything that puts her in any kind of contact with OM.
You must snoop. Look at phone records, emails, receipts, etc. You have a good start on this. Keep it up.
Don�t tell your WW about MB (this website). Keep this place secret and let us do the thinking for you.
You must kill any and all ideas your WW has about you and her having an amicable and friendly divorce. There is no such thing. I speak from experience here.
This means that you will let her know in a very calm manner that you will not simply let her walk away, take your daughter from you, and destroy your family without a fight. This means you make it very clear to her that if she chooses the path of divorce that you will fight tooth and nail down for everything in the house down to the last fork and that you will file on the grounds of adultery. You will put OM on the stand to testify about their affair and you will seek sole physical and legal custody.
This sounds harsh, and the reality is that you won�t get it, but the threat of it is huge to a WW living a fantasy. You are in charge of destroying the fantasy world your WW is living in and consequences to divorce are a harsh and cold reality that most WW�s believe don�t apply to them.
My gut tells me you�re going to be the indecisive betrayed husband who is afraid of upsetting his WW because her anger is more terrifying than the affair. I really hope I�m wrong.
But the reality is that her continuing contact and the continuation of the affair are the greatest threat to your marriage. The only things that will kill the affair are things which are hard to do, require courage, and are counter intuitive.
But know this if you dismiss my advice: I speak to you as a man who didn�t listen to the advice given and paid the price for it.
The people on these boards know what it takes to save marriages.
Yes YOU did Melody but at that point he didnt have that.
I said it, hills and for the record I killed my H's first A without the help of MB simply by exposing it to OWH. Of course I also directed him to get SAA today and YES he needs to expose to OMW today because she will be his greatest ally in killing this A.
Many BH's initially regret exposure as their WW's will wholeheartedly act like exposure was the final straw and no matter what they will never reconcile (btw...crack addicts behave the same way when you flush their crack down the toilet...as in "NOW...I will never forgive you").
Do not fret.....Your marriage can survive her anger but it can not survive an ongoing, never ending, further entrenching affair.
Absent ending it and removing the third party from your marriage you've got no chance.
Mr. Wondering
p.s. - and NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS and NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS or HOW MAD SHE GETS... DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.
If she wants space to "think" offer to clear a "space" for her in the garage or basement. Do not voluntarily leave your own home. The cage door is open, you are not her keeper...SHE is free to leave but you stay put no matter what and STAY CALM (such that you don't give her a legal reason to call the cops and have you removed from the home)
Please be prepared for her to be spitting nails angry. That means exposure worked its magic. When I exposed to OWH she call ME screaming at me and I knew right then it worked. Unfortunately for my M, I did not know about MB so even though the A ended we never recovered hence the second A and OC.
Please work this plan exactly as advised. Do NOT be afraid. Keep in mind that a WW will not respect a wimpy BH you really need to be strong and calm.
Since she has already hinted that you are the "bad guy" in the M, I 2nd the mini recorder and keep it on you at all times that you are interacting with her.
We are all behind you and wish you were not having to go through this but we understand and really hope everything works out and will be with you every step of the way.
Me -BS 40 Him - FWH 34 (dtl) 3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11 NC - 01/09/11 02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
OK everyone, this all sounds great but I'm sure you know how tough it is.
What steps do I need to take to prepare for the fallout from exposure? It's unfortunate that some people already know...
This is one reason why we advise you to do exposure in ONE SWOOP and without any forewarning...because the fallout CAN BE significant.
If you successfully expose to everyone...she'll be mad...but you can ACT a bit contrite as though you had no idea she would be THAT mad and even say "I'm sorry you feel that way". She'll be mad but since the cat is out of the bag it's not like she needs to put on a full show in order to manipulate you further to maintain her secret. What I mean by that last sentence. An incomplete exposure will likely result in her being/acting MORE mad in order to get you to "SHUT UP". If you remove the need to manipulate you...you've perhaps overcome a little of her motivation to punish you.
Trust me...it's ALL 100% about the affair. Anything you do to threaten her affair will be met with hostility. She most likely will go through the roof when she finds out. Some WW's will go the other way and give the silent treatment (which is still anger). Some may even file for divorce. But as Dr. Harley states in his materials and as I experienced in my marriage...EXPOSURE is the beginning of the end. 98% of all affairs end within 2 years of exposure...MOST end within the first month as OM, in your case, will most likely return to his marriage and dump your wife.
Sure she'll blame you at first...but in time, IF she gets it (which is the only way you'll eventually reconcile with her and want to stay with her yourself)...she'll THANK YOU for man'ing up and saving her from herself.
OK everyone, this all sounds great but I'm sure you know how tough it is.
What steps do I need to take to prepare for the fallout from exposure? It's unfortunate that some people already know...
One of the things to expect immediately after exposure is the infidels will go off somewhere together to talk. Before you expose, put a GPS on her car. Find out where they go to talk. Usually a nearby park or parking lot.
It sucks because she CAN'T quit her job because of finances
So how will you handle the financial details of divorce? Will you be able to afford the house on your own? Will you have to sell it? Think this through, because you sound as though you're placing the priority on your financial situation, and if that's the case you've got a real wake-up call coming when you see what your financial state is after a divorce.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
OK everyone, this all sounds great but I'm sure you know how tough it is.
What steps do I need to take to prepare for the fallout from exposure? It's unfortunate that some people already know...
You brace yourself. Your wife will be furious. Just expect it. She will make all sorts of threats "I was going to work on it, now I'm not," "I am filing for divorce." blah, blah, blah, blah,........ all exposed WSs say the same thing. You just smile and say "So sorry you are upset dear! Can I get you a drink?"
Don't fight, don't grovel, don't justify, don't cry like a gurl, and DON'T TRY AND REASON WITH HER. You can't reason with her anymore than you can reason with a falling down drunk. Just hang on and her anger will blow over.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
p.s. if she gets fired from her job, she will collect unemployment and will likely get a package.
If she stays there you won't get benefit from that job anyway because you will be divorced. And divorces are very expensive!
You need to put the brakes on this affair NOW before this gets more entrenched. She might even be trying to get pregnant since it is her goal to destroy the OMW's marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Don't fight, don't grovel, don't justify, don't cry like a gurl, and DON'T TRY AND REASON WITH HER. You can't reason with her anymore than you can reason with a falling down drunk. Just hang on and her anger will blow over.
Ditto ! The #1 mistake made by BH/BW is thinking they can reason with the foggy. It's like trying to reason & talk some sense into a crabby 3 year old ...
Just stick to your plan regardless of her response.
p.s. if she gets fired from her job, she will collect unemployment
Not everywhere. It's not cut & dry. Sometimes there is a hearing. If a person in Calif gets fired "for cause" (they violate their contract or code of ethics) they could be ineligible for unemployment. It depends on the circumstances.
I will simply quote for you what DR H has to say about this as I have done in another thread here.
Quote
The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
The greatest skill DR H has regarding affairs is his ability to break things down and put it in simple layman terms that leaves NO ROOM for misunderstanding. If you disregard his very explicit advise, you are not following the MB method of saving your M and will you are relying instead on Plan Hope.
OK everyone, this all sounds great but I'm sure you know how tough it is.
What steps do I need to take to prepare for the fallout from exposure? It's unfortunate that some people already know...
Yes, it's unfortunate that they know if the adulterers know that they know. Because the adulterers will spin the story in a version that makes you out to be an insecure, whack-job husband who thinks every man in the world is after his wife.
No matter. Set up your exposure list and jump on this. The fact that OM's wife knows 'something but not what' means she's heard a little of the trickle, or more than likely has already been spun to by WW and OM. You've still got time to right the ship. Get on this today.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
It would be helpful if you keep the following principles in mind, as you execute the exposure, and live through the aftermath:
- If WW and OM were so "blessed" and "meant to be together" they should welcome the fact that your action will inform their friends and families of their good fortune!
- You knowing better, must believe that the best weapon against the secrecy that facilitates affairs is tearing off the covers, and letting the light in.
Their affair is an internal infection in the bodies of both families. The only way to save the patients is to operate to excise the infection. This entails blood and pain; the alternatives are slow, agonizing deaths.
We will be here as the emotional "blood and pain" comes your way.
