Can someone please tell me they've been in a similar situation???

I recently caught my husband being unfaithful. This was not a physical affair (believe me!! I've done all the investigating necessary to prove that!!) I found a website on his laptop for a adult social networking site that caters to local escorts, upon investigation, I found phone calls and texts to various "girls" and a call to a motel. I have checked bill history, bank account history, private bank account history, his desk at work (unannounced, so he couldn't clean up anything) and I am pretty convinced it went no further than this. When I ask him why he did it he doesn't know...he does say it had nothing to do with me, that he's always loved me and has always desired me. He feels that it was some kind of self hatred thing.

We have started marriage counseling and it's pretty clear that my husband has some pretty serious issues going on. He suffers from PTSD from a pretty gruesome traumatic event he witnessed first hand. Our counselor is pretty convinced this is what led to my husband "acting out" in a manner that is completely against everything he stands for. But now my PTSD has started as his unfaithfulness is my traumatic event.

My question is this...I feel sometimes that I'm being such a baby because my situation is not as severe as others. Other people seem to get through situations much worse than this, yet I can't seem to stop thinking about it...how do I do that? I'm committed to making our marriage work, you don't just throw away almost 20 years of something that, other than this, is pretty terrific. I just need to know how to not think about it. I'm not a real patient person and I know the whole "time heals all wounds" thing...but I don't want to wait!! Help!!

Welcome to MB.

The first thing you need to do is schedule a polygraph so that you can stop wondering the extent of your husband's unfaithfulness. You'd be shocked at how far they go to cover things up. This is part of the reason why you are so traumatized ~ you don't know exactly what you are dealing with.

After that, your recovery from this would be the same as everyone else's ~ follow the MB concepts, build a mutually transparent life with your H, implement EPs, etc.

You are not being a big baby ~ you have been betrayed and what you are feeling is normal. You can recover, however, by following the steps I mentioned above.

jp, welcome to MB. I have to say, if your husband is reading on a website that provides local escorts, and has calls and texts to said escorts as well a call to a local motel - well, it's pretty obvious what's going on here.

I understand not wanting to believe he would do this, but no man calls escorts just to pass the time of day (no matter what the man tries to tell you).

I am not sure what else would convince you - he will simply pay cash for the girls and the motels, and if he needs to call them he'll just get a pre-paid phone somewhere that you don't know about.

And of course you feel bad. Betrayal is betrayal, no matter what kind it is.

What are you and your husband doing to make sure this never happens again?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, jp.

First, please don't feel bad about having a hard time dealing with this. How others dealt with situations in their lives is immaterial to what you're dealing with. So don't measure your actions against theirs, okay? This is a terrible thing to deal with.

Now, just so we can be clear on your sitch: you said you caught your H being 'unfaithful' but not in a physical affair. Can you give us a little more info on what it is you found?

I question your MC's broad brush diagnosis that your H's PTSD caused this, but let's get to that later. Can you tell us what you have done to confirm that he has not engaged in a physical affair?

I am concerned because of your comment about his phone call to a motel. People don't just randomly call motels - they call to inquire about rates, book a room, or contact a guest. Did he explain the phone call? What did the texts to the 'girls' say? How many texts, and how long were the phone calls?

Note: Please consider Marriage Builders a safe place for you to post. Do not share this website with your H right now.

Let me say this...I didn't post on here to further bash my husband. As for continuing his behavior I have put things in place to ensure he does not continue this behavior. He doesn't go on the computer and he wouldn't do this using work equipment because he works in a type of job that this type of behavior is policed and he would lose his job if he used their equipment to "carry on.". That's why I was able to discover everything.

My H needs help and I recognize that, and when I took those vows I meant them...for better or worse and this is worse. I merely posted on here to ask advice on how to move forward and not look back as much.

Believe me, my H knows the consequences if he does it again, even a mere phone call. And believe me...I have the power to destroy everything good in his life and I will if he hurts me again!!

I just want to know how those who have been where I am have moved on...

You need time, and emotional protections, but mostly time. There's no magic cure, pill, or fix. It takes work, and time, and quite frankly? I wouldn't believe the whole PTSD made him do it excuse. I had a therapist tell me that. It's baloney. Serious baloney.

Go back and read my first post to you ~ doing those things are the exact things you need in order to move on.

You need to eliminate the conditions that led to his betrayal (EPs and being fully transparent, including continued snooping on him to verify this) and following the MB plans.

These are the things that those of us who have recovered/are recovering have done. These will work for you too but you really can't take any shortcuts. They all must be done in order to recover/move on.

And you should recognize that you are in a grieving process.
You will feel denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance -- all the stages. Because you are grieving the loss of the reality you knew. Everything has changed.

You will need time to adjust to the loss of that innocence.

But you will come out stronger. It takes time. And extraordinary efforts by your husband.

I did the following...

First of all...I changed his cell phone number, then he, not on my prompting gave me his cell phone so that there would be no question about whether or not he was making calls; however, I can still check the phone bill to ensure this if we decide he's going to take the phone back.

I checked all bank accounts for any unusual withdrawls; there was nothing there that I didn't know about.

When I've asked him what was said on the calls he's been honest. He's been as honest as he could be...honestly, he knows that I will leave if I find another lie and I truly believe he wants to save this marriage. Why would anyone put up with the constant scrutiny if he didn't want to save the marriage? He can make it just fine without me...

He is honest with me (NOW, I think???) and tells me where he is every minute of the day. I'm not so stupid as to think that this could not happen again...of course it can...I just want to ensure that it doesn't.

As for the PTSD...I don't think that was to blame for this completely...but I do think that it played a part in it. There are other issues that we had and have to deal with and I don't say that I'm blameless in the steps that led up to this...but I refuse to take blame for what he's done. PTSD is a really terrible and debillitating condition. The MC we are going to specializes in this and with the type of job MH has this is really common.

Most marriage counselors suck and have a terrible record in actually saving marriages.

Your husband cheated because he has poor boundaries and felt entitled to do so. It doesn't matter if he was depressed, PTSD, or has a personality disorder. He made choices all along the way. Choices.

Going by all the responses I would say that you're all saying I should never believe what my H is telling me.

Your task is to verify the truth at this point.

More like just dont right now. Most waywards go into a "fog", its like someone or something else has control over them.

All we can do is tell you from experiance what to look for and how to look. We are not about bashing at all, there are several former waywards on this board also that can tell you some of the tricks they used in there affairs.


Most of the time when the vets ask questions it is to save time so they know what advise applies to your situation so they can help more.

Cheaters lie.

jp62,

I found a website on his laptop for a adult social networking site that caters to local escorts

The other posters are correct you need to remain very vigilant.

One factor here is that using escorts is too easy all you need is a phone/internet and money. Takes much less time then to find an OW and seduce her. These "services" are available anywhere and at any time too. There is also an element of STD risk being with a women who has so many partners which might betray a reckless trait on the part of your H.

My experience is that for the men who avail themselves of prostitutes it can be a very powerful addiction.

God Bless
Gamma

Trust, but verify. We've got a lot of stories here that we can tell you about spouses (like me ) who trusted their spouse completely and never verified.

You'd better believe I verify things now.

jp62
After finding a suspicious email we began counsling. FWH told me nothing happened, even had HO bag send me an email saying the same...I know dumb me, but I wanted to believe him and I had'nt found MB.

Our first MC diagnosed my FWH with depression. My FWH ran with this, it was a great excuse for his bad behavior (I didnt know he had been cheating for years) He lied to me and the MC for 8 weeks until I found a second suspicious email from a different HO.

It was'nt until I demanded he have a polygraph that the truth came out.

What I'm getting at is Waywards lie and will do anything to protect themselves. I would'nt believe it until I saw it in my own H. He was GOOD at it. He was a church leader, everyone looked up to him and all that.....

It's amazing what waywards will do to protect themselves.

Pepper's right. You may have to sleep with one eye open til you find the truth. Lots of folks here can help you investigate. To echo what someone else said about prostitutes and such... Everyone I know who has used them has become addicted to them. The risk of STDs is bad enough with just another person not a prostitute.

Trust can be worked on at a later point, it will need to be earned back. Right now, you really need to snoop a little more. Maybe a GPS tracker in his car.

CV

A lot of people suffer PTSD and don't call hookers.