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Joined: May 2011
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This is my first time on these forums. I've been reading a bit and have ordered some of the materials.

I am a 36 year old man. I've been married for 12 years. I have 2 kids, ages 4 and 6, plus two step kids ages 14 and 16 from my wife's first marriage.

I have suspected my wife's affair for some time now. About a year ago she passworded her computer. A few months ago she left her computer signed in so I quickly looked at a few emails. There were some very flirtatious ones, bordering on romantic from a man who had a temporary position in her office. I didn't want to seem bad, so I never said anything.

Then her work related travel increased. A month ago I paid a friend, who is a retired cop, to follow her to one of her meetings. In fact, she was having dinner at a small restaurant with a male co worker.

Two weeks ago I confronted her on this. She became so enraged. Calling me a stalker. She filed for divorce. That is not what I want. I want her to stop cheating and to help me save this marriage. Has anyone successfully stopped an affair and a divorce? I am in a stae which has a 3 month period before the courts will take the divorce, so I do have some time to try and stop this. But not much. Help!

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I am sooooo sorry your in this position. But you have come to the right place. Please click Notify and have this thread moved to Surviving an affair. YOu will get alot more help in that section.

The vets will be along shortly to help you... in the mean time .. read all you can on this site starting with the Basic Concepts..

MNG

p.s. You can save your marriage .. but its going to be alot of work. It may get worse before it gets better. Follow ALL The advice given from the vets .. even if it feels counter intuitive. Your wifes affair is like an addiction and she is whats called "fogged out". You will have to guide her back and follow Plan A and expose this to everyone .. FAR AND WIDE. Exposure is the key here to killing your affair .. and then learning what needs were not met during your marriage to bring you to this predicament.

Again .. Hang in there .. the vets will be along to give you some better guidance.

Whatever you do DO NOT SHOW YOUR WAYWARD WIFE THIS SITE RIGHT NOW. You will need to snoop .. find out who OM is .. put a keylogger in your computer .. etc.

Edit: to add is some stuff.

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 05/18/11 01:33 PM.
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I am reading as much as I can. I will try and figure out how to move this post...thank you for that suggestion.

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Also .. here is an article on PLAN A and Plan B.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

To move the post. . just click NOTIFY at the bottom of your post and the moderator will move it shortly.

edit to add some more stuff.

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 05/18/11 01:42 PM.
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Just another link for you ...

Goes to a posters rendition of Plan A Called the Carrot and Stick thread. Lays out a good plan to follow.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

Edit: fixed the link

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 05/18/11 01:55 PM.
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Is the OM married?
Does he still work with your wife?


Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Do NOT tell your wife about this site so you can have a safe place to post.

Here is a good link to get organized
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

while you meanwhile order and read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley (order through this site or amazon).
Then read
His Needs Her Needs
and
LoveBusters

Also by Dr. Harley.

The books will help you understand how affairs happen and what to do about them to stand a chance to recover the marriage.


Last edited by reading; 05/18/11 02:00 PM.
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Originally Posted By: NeedChange1
I am reading as much as I can. I will try and figure out how to move this post...thank you for that suggestion.


Hi, nc. Welcome to Marriage Builders. Your marriage can be saved but you need to first findnout everything you can about her affair. Don't accuse her anymore. Hire a PI to follow her, put key loggers on her computer and put flexispy on her phone. I think if you check on Brickhouse security you mint be able to find a key logger you can install without her password.

Once you get the goods, come back here and we will give you next steps.

I suspect she is setting this up to quietly replace you with some other man so she is trying very hard to keepmit a secret. I would not cooperate with any divorce schemes and do not leave your house. If she has filed, then you need to get a very good divorce attorney.

Getting the truth about her secret second life is the key......


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for the reading suggestions...ordered w 2 day shipping.

Are key loggers legal? Normally I'd just do it, but since this might go to court, I don't want to get into trouble.

I will not move out. I did speak with a lawyer and he said the same thing. He also said that infidelity doesn't really carry much weight in court...which hopefully won't matter since I'm going to try and stop the divorce.

As far as I know, the OM is divorced and lives alone.

I will try and find out as much as I can but every thing has been so covert. My friend who followed her to the restaurant did private investigations and he will help me more...but it seems she has the upper hand really since she went and filed for divorce. Thank goodness for the 3 month "cooling off" period.

I hope all is not lost.

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Quote:
As far as I know, the OM is divorced and lives alone.
Have you confirmed this independently from a source other than your wife?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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OK, you've already heard about exposure and collecting intelligence, so I won't repeat those other than to say it's important.

Regarding the legal/illegal, do you think she would want it public in open court that she was/is having an affair?

Finally, if she's really foggy, really wants out, she may suggest that you leave the marital home and offer to allow you to visit your children. Decline the offer. Counter with since she's the one who wants to break up the marriage, she is free to go, and she can visit the children when she's not too busy with the other man.

Do not leave the marital home.

Do not allow her to take the children with her.

If you have to, get a court order that says you can stay in the marital home with the children and she can visit every other weekend.

Hopefully it will not come to that. But if it does, do not allow her to either remove you from the marital home, or take the children with her should she choose to leave.

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Originally Posted By: NeedChange1
Thank you for the reading suggestions...ordered w 2 day shipping.

Are key loggers legal? Normally I'd just do it, but since this might go to court, I don't want to get into trouble.


It varies from state to state, but a WS is not going to pursue any such action because they don't want to have to explain WHY you were doing this in court, which is splashed on the front page. The keyloggers out there are very hard to detect anyway. You just don't get caught.

Quote:
I will not move out. I did speak with a lawyer and he said the same thing. He also said that infidelity doesn't really carry much weight in court...which hopefully won't matter since I'm going to try and stop the divorce.


Lawyers hate bringing up adultery because their goal is to facilitate the easiest divorce possible IT is in your best interest to countersue on grounds of adultery and cause holy hell in her affair. You would tell your attorney to subpoena the OM and make him give sworn testimony under oath about his affair. And have him subpoena the call and computer records of your wife and the OM under discovery. The lawyer works for you, so you need to tell him what you expect.

Doing this causes so much damage to the affair that many WS's abandon the divorce action. They are seeking an easy divorce where you bend over and cooperate. If you don't cooperate, you are much more likely to remain married because a nasty divorce usually outlasts an affair.

Quote:
As far as I know, the OM is divorced and lives alone.


You have to get actual facts. You MUST know who he is, where he lives and with whom. Is he married? Have you looked this guy up on facebook? Can the PI run a full background on him? If he is on facebook, I would copy all of his facebook contacts for future use. [do this now] Try and ID his parents and close family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody, I did confirm through another co worker of my wife's as well as the phone directory that this man lives alone. Also, public court records do show that he was divorced in 2006.

I am still working on my plan to collect evidence to confirm that an actual affair is taking place.

In the meantime I've been stalling on returning lawyer calls and taking my time hoping to delay the legal process.

My books arrived today so I will be looking at Plan A.

My children are young. If I do find hardcore evidence (more than ambiguous emails, secretive behavior w computer and dinner w a male) do I expose the affair to them? I suspect from what I've read thus far the answer is yes. Still, does that not harm the children more? Is it really a good thing to break down their respect for their mom? I just don't know. I'd like to hear from people who've experienced this first hand and how old the kids are.

Melody...just curious...does your husband use marriage builders as well?

Thanks again.


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