Dear Friends: I am still here. Last night was worse than the night before. I spoke with my spouse and we talked and I cried all night. I did not sleep at all. In fact I did not come into work today until now. I figured I could get some work done and no one would ask me questions about my swollen blood shot eyes since everyone has gone for the day. Thank you very much for the suggestions and words of encouragement. I have been to numerous counselors since I was 20. I even went to 2 medicine women. That's how desperate I was. I have taken just about every anti-depressant on the market that was prescribed and ended up in worse condition. I attempted suicide twice while under medication. In some cases I ended up with severe side effects such as nausea,(come on, I a bulimic, I don't need any help with purging), loss of motor control and memory. Finally, I just quit taking the meds cold turkey. I began a more rigid regimen of exercise and focusing more on my children and their needs. I know that I am just trading one habit for another, but the thoughts of death and doom are too much. I want to live, but it's just getting through those dark days that kill me.(for lack of better word) Right now I have come to the conclusion that I need to work on accepting that my spouse may leave me when our youngest graduates in 2005 if he can't get over the hurt. By the same token, I feel this need to clean my house and get all my business in order before this time. I can't explain this need, but it is close to how a new mother feels before the new baby arrives. I believe it's call "nesting." I have cleaned out many of my cabinets and have given away 3 trashbags full of Tupperware. I have given at least 20-25 suits, dresses, jeans, other items of clothing. I am doubling up my payments on any credit cards, debts I owe to ensure my family is not left with any bills of mine. I have been at this for a year now. Like I said I can't explain this need, I just do it. <BR>I am listening to you all and talking with you all. Maybe as I talk with you, something will click in me and I will overcome this. And if my spouse does leave me, I will still go on living. I will tell you one thing, I don't want another relationship. Too much hard work. You see I have not lost my sense of humor. My love to you all.

Sobeit - I, for one, am VERY glad that you are still here. <P>You got through last night. And you're getting through this day. Take each moment one at a time. Do the things you feel you need to do to get through.<P>I do wish you would consider trying one more time to get some help. If you don't feel that you can, though, then keep talking to us.<P>WE ARE LISTENING AND WE CARE.<P>Lori

sobeit,<P>I have many days where I feel my life is such a chore. I have some pretty horrific stories of my own from childhood,like yours. Mostly what it has left me with is a feeling that nothing good will last, that everyone I love will leave me, and that I can't trust my own judgement about anything. I hear this in your posts too. You're preparing for the worst with your husband. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. <P>In another post, you talked about all of the terrible things that happened to you while growing up. I've been to a few counselors myself and struggle everyday with this persisent sadness, like you. <P>The hardest thing I've ever had to face is that nothing and no one I will ever meet the rest of my life can make up for the love and protection my parents failed to offer me (and you too, sounds like) as a child. I've looked for that in my relationships with men. I've looked to them to "fix" it, but they can't. Your husband may be feeling that nothing he does is good enough either, just like you might be feeling right now. The difference is, you have children now. You can give them the love and protection you so desperately needed when growing up. You can only do this if you stay alive. Have you ever gone to a counselor that deals with people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder? <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited October 28, 1999).]

Today has been a very sad day. I am so sorry that you're feeling like this, I was feeling like that at one point, pre-disclosure. It's a HORRIBLE place to be. But NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING is worth these destructive thoughts. My h and I have been through the wringer, but we're still together, and it looked at one point as if we wouldn't be. There is hope for you, and if your H decides to leave, there is still hope. The Student has some very good advice, please listen to her. And let me know if you want to talk, I'm here.

Sobeit,<BR>I'm glad you are hanging on. Your children and I am sure quite of few others need you in their lives. Focus on good you can do each day, and it will come back to you, in time, many times over.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13