A voice-activated recorder.

A small digital recording device that you can keep in your pocket.

You still did a good job exposing. You really hit the mark. I do not think your statement is going to cause you grief.

You have to stop the destructive conversations/fighting with your WH.

right now.

Plan A is designed to give the WS a positive thing to remember from you (and what your life together can be.). Then plan B hits like a stone. It is not a punishment or a way to end an argument

Now, the more you fight, name call and defend yourself against being "unstable" - you are NOT going into plan B right.

Plan b is NOT a "Never, ever, ever, ever talk to me again!" type of statement.
It is a plan to diesngage yourself from the daily LB WD's that you are doing now, fighting with your WH.
You need to be preparred/have a plan for;

Finances
IM (to communicate thru - a neutral)
Plan B letter
and you have to be emotionally ready to STOP FIGHTING with him.

I don't want to fight with him at all. I don't really want to stop being in plan A, but I don't know how to do it.

When he called he was angry and even when I said I don't want to talk about this he would not stop. I try saying I am working for our marriage and he said "I am never coming back! Get it through your head! What are you thinking!"

I guess I have run out of comebacks without arguing with him.

I know I am not organised for plan B and that I am not entering it well but I don't know what else to do. I have already told him to stop contacting me. Do I continue plan A and contact him or do I prepare for plan B?

Help?

At the moment be is angry, his affair bubble has popped. Anyone who has been exposed to will know he is committing adultery, he cannot gaslight you without them knowing he is lying, no matter how angry or threatening he gets nothing will change the truth.

Plan A does not say take his verbal abuse , if he continues to do this tell him when he stops his verbal tirade you will talk to him, do not wait for his response and put the phone down or walk away. Buy that VAR it is to protect you from his threats.

For the moment sit back knowing that with every passing minute they are desperately trying to do damage control and know their lies are being exposed the more they try to cover up the more damage they do to themselves.

I suspect your husband has been planning a future with the OW and may have told her untruths about you, standard for affair people. This exposure has caused her to question him and place him under pressure hence his comments to you.

Imagine the love busting happening between them, she already know he is capable of lying and cheating and will have this rather big red flag waving on front of her and her reputation is now open to discussion amongs those who you exposed to plus others she shared this with.

I am such an idiot. When he rang he accused me of sending two more messages this morning and even stated the time. I thought wow these people must be ringing straight away. How could I not ralise that he is logging on and looking at my FB. Now I have worked it out I have changed the password. I guess I am just too trusting and never thought of doing that earlier.

Albizia,

I am sorry you are having to go through all this heartache. Your husband is being mean right now. He is angry because of the exposure and that is a good thing, he and his OW are not having to be accountable........
So Exposure did work. I think the rest of the stuff you received was just them trying to scare you off..........they are trying to get you to stop showing them for what they are, they are using the filing for full custody as a threat. Don't pay any attention.
You need to go to your lawyer and show him and tell him about the threats.
Then you need to make sure you are taken care of financially. Make sure the children are looked after and protected........I would send him a Plan B letter and then ask him that all info should be done between the lawyers or find a IM that can act as a go between for information and maybe the children being passed back and forth for vistation.......
I would change you phone # and email address...........or block them........you cannot talk to him, see him or give him any outlet to justify his behavior by blaming you, if he can't speak to you who will he blame.......
He will have to become accountable and the OW will have to meet all his needs, just sit back quietly and watch that all fall apart, reality is a whole different story than fantasy.............
They will be fighting in no time..........
This is really early in the process, but I think since he has already moved out you might be able to recovery this more quickly than some.
Most of the time the BS's go months before the realization that the affair isn't what the ws thought is was going to be..
Yours is out and once he starts to miss the life he had he will start the process of understanding the fling isn't as important as his family.
You need to go Dark Plan B, work on yourself, be a great mom, always look good, smell good......and just live a happy life............the best revenge is living a better life than the one you had with him.........
He will catch up eventually. he needs to see a strong, confident woman.
Patience is key here and with any fight/war you need a strong plan of attack.....
Post here for help each step of the way, come here and vent.......come here for support, we have all been in your shoes.........
we understand and are willing to help
jessi

Check he has not sent out messages in your name, while you are at it send out a few more , rock their affair world.

Change the password on the mail address in case he has that as well,Facebook mails a password change to the mail address you registered with.

Hey Albi. Sorry this is happening, but a few things need YOU have to do now to deal with the wayward and toxic ow.

1)make appt to see lawyer asap. bring all the financial docs,whatever proof of the ema you have, and also the fake email and the time/stamp of the phone call from the "officer".
2)You are being GASLIGHTED and lied to by this man and ow. Please do not take the bait. It is because they don't enjoy the newfound "attention" they got as a result from THEIR OWN BAD BEHAVIORS.
3)I would walk into the office and get the sep agreement drafted right away. YOU now file on grounds of adultery, mental cruelty, and abandonment and FOR FULL CUSTODY of the kids. You also take out an ro on the ow, as she is having so called "friens" of hers hunt you down since she doesn't like hearing the truth being told. You have NOTHING to worry about. Telling the truth is fine.
4)the "officer" needs to be found. I think you and attny need to make a house call to the head of the local police to find out if there is any so called officer which might be illegally USING their badge to harass somebody who is innocent. After all, what is illegal about spreading the truth around? If there is any officer, it IS illegal to harass or threaten somebody esp since there isn't any precedence in any state about telling the truth. It's not defamation of character, if the person IS DOING THAT VERY THING they're accused of doing ok? This sounds straight outta my xwh' playbook.

Once my xwh even pretended himself to be a police officer, calling a friend of mine, a doctor in a neighboring state, to find out where I'd been over the weekend, to try to paint me in a negative light for our custody battle. Do not ever ever be surprised what a desperate and frightened wayward (especially if you've exposed and have the goods on them)will do to try to gain control of the out of control situation THEY placed themselves in. My xwh found out that I'd visited my family with my son for the weekend. But this would not be the first time fake calls or letters or threats come from waywards. Again, they're evil and desperate.

Get on it now as this is the time to strike. Take care of the legal aspects, secure an emergency hearing, and take care of you and the kids. Make it clear and known that YOU are not to be lied to, gaslighted, or threatened at all by him! Go very very dark. Once legalities and an emergency hearing is secured, then draft the plan B letter. Call out to Brit's Brat to get her thoughts on things, as she's legally inclined.

There is NOTHING wrong with what you did. There is PLENTY wrong and even illegal with what the wh and his ow did. Harassing and THREATENING you is against the law. And the so called officer may lose her job if she did a favor for a "friend" and used her badge or position to threaten or coerce you into fear or silence.

Time for action. Don't be afraid. Be afraid NOT TO react. Time to do the right things.

Mb says plan A as long as your love bank can sustain the "hits".
When YOU feel you can no longer tolerate plan a ( your Love bank gets too empty to go on longer.)
You put plan B into effect like a dropping stone.
Plan B is for YOU

To protect you from A details.
To protect what is left of YOUR LB.
and to show WS what life is really, really going to be like without you in the picture, (kinda destroys the fairytail)

>knock, knock, knock<
WS; "who's there?!"
"The reality fairy. We have an appointment."

albizia,
You are doing great. Of course he is going to go toxic on you. He did not like his fantasy cage rattled.

If a "detective" called it is false. How random. A true detective or officer would be knocking on your door.

I would try to stay in Plan A. Let WH call you and not answer the next few times or let the kids pick up.

Confuse him. Then go back being nice wife. If he starts screaming say it was great talking to you I have cookies in the oven. Disengage. You can't reason with a wayward or a lunatic

The OW is on the defense. She is trying to do damage control. Too late.

Get to the attorney with what you have.

Blessings.

Well I am trying to stay in plan A but I am preparing for plan B. Every time he yells or sends nasty messages it breaks my heart a bit more. I thought it was already shattered and no more damage could be done but it seems the pain is endless.
I am planning to take some photos of the kids and I doing some fun stuff this weekend and send it to him with a nice message. That should let him know that I am happy to communicate just not to be abused or threatened any more. I am also going back to the lawyer so that I am prepared just in case he does carry through any of his threats.
In Australia you can not file for divorce untill you have been through mediation and have been seperated for a year. I figure the best thing for me to do is just prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I have started a diary and have kept all the messaged he has sent. I have changed my password on FB and put a password on my email account so he can't check it. I am not sending any more messages but he doesn't need to know that.
I pray now for strength to see this through.

albizia, I would make plans to go into Plan B real soon here. Women are only supposed to stay in Plan A for about 3 to 4 weeks. Staying in Plan A longer does not help your situation at all. It only wears you down more and does nothing to attract him back.

Do you have a Plan B letter worked up yet? Are you familiar with Plan B? Do you have an intermediary lined up yet?

Yes I wouldn't send him pictures or cookies or anything else, just a Plan B letter. There are samples on this site. Write up yours and post it here to have the vets check over and make suggestions before giving it to him.

I am having a bit of trouble with the plan B letter. I know you have said there are samples on this site but I am having trouble finding them. Could someone please give me directions.

Thanks

Tweak to fit your sitch:

From SAA:

Thanks for the help. I am in the process of writing the letter and working out an IM and when he can contact the children. I have found a new psychologist who really seems to understand, she even said WH is living in a fantasy world right now. She also said that although it was likely that this fantasy world would come crashing down one day, it could be a long time. Especially since he is not living with OW or even in the same town, it is easy to continue a relationship when they don't have to deal with the realities of every day life. She also suspects that WH had problems before the affair, looking at financial situation this may have been gambling. I am not sure as so much is still hidden from me.
Plan B is going to have to be very dark as he does not listen to reason. After I asked him not to contact me because it was upsetting, he sent an email saying he could respect that as long as I stopped harrassing him and OW (exposure). He then rang at 7:30am to talk to the children. Obviously he has a lot of respect for my wishes. Anyway I am just finalising arrangements for plan Band then I will post my letter for comment.

Thanks all.

Good work! You are going to see that Plan B really is for you.
{{{AlB}}}

If he's going to harass you with phone calls you might want to get your number changed. If he has something important to convey with regards to the children he can use an intermediary. He needs to learn there's a consequence for his actions and part of it is losing benefits to which he is not necessarily entitled (like talking to his kids whenever he wants).

Agree w/that. However Kay, it is important to know that there has to be a way to have quick communication (use the IM) between parents, in case of an emergency. Trust me, my xwh tried to use that one against me, saying that it was hard for him to even reach me (I'd changed my number and did'nt tell him) and that he had to call a 3rd party to even find out where I was.

This is why I simply believe putting the ws on silence is best. That way you don't hear their calls, but can say you received a call if need be, and if it is important, then the IM reaches you.

My brief IM was a neighbor who was really sweet. She would call me all the time w/his issues. However, the only point when I got into court was he tried to hammer that part of plan B on me. So I think that yes, you can receive the calls, and if you want your IM to listen to your messages, you can give them your password too. Plus if he wishes to talk to his kids, you can know (courtesy of IM) when he is to call, and put the kids on the phone if you want to at a designated time, without ever having to hear the waywards' voice.

When i did that, he shut up (went back to my old cell number). But I never heard his rants, his rages, or his stupid silly wayward notions or ideas. They were all filtered out.