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Email the radio show and try to get on there to get some advice from DrH on how to proceed.


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At this time I'm trying to work on myself and the issues I have that brought me here. My therapist who also specializes in MC has given me some direction on how to proceed. She has also invited my husband in for individual counseling. I feel like we both have plans on getting through our day to day lives right now and we'll continue to have some contact that will hopefully allow us to maintain open communication.

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Originally Posted By: regretfulinMD
At this time I'm trying to work on myself and the issues I have that brought me here. My therapist who also specializes in MC has given me some direction on how to proceed. She has also invited my husband in for individual counseling. I feel like we both have plans on getting through our day to day lives right now and we'll continue to have some contact that will hopefully allow us to maintain open communication.

Skip the therapist and individual counseling. Your marriage is sure to fail that way. Instead, do this:

Originally Posted By: Scotland
Email the radio show and try to get on there to get some advice from DrH on how to proceed.


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Originally Posted By: Prisca

Skip the therapist and individual counseling. Your marriage is sure to fail that way. Instead, do this:

Originally Posted By: Scotland
Email the radio show and try to get on there to get some advice from DrH on how to proceed.


And see if you can talk your H into joining you...


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Originally Posted By: Prisca

Skip the therapist and individual counseling. Your marriage is sure to fail that way. Instead, do this:

Originally Posted By: Scotland
Email the radio show and try to get on there to get some advice from DrH on how to proceed.


I have to agree with Prisca here. Marriage is a team endeavor and requires team-work. Doing things apart from each other doesn't bring people together.


Me...saved by grace
Him...wonderful husband
Us...3 years in to our new life and better every day!
and we have 3 great kids (20,19,17)

Eph. 5:22-33
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At this point, he doesn't want to work on things together. He wants time to decide if he wants to work on it at all. He's even mentioned possibly wanting to date other people. I admit that I have a really hard time with this. It's difficult for me to say that I'm not okay with it considering what I did. Saying it makes me feel like a hypocrite. However, at the same time, I know those actions wouldn't help us at all. So I do have to concentrate on working on myself. If he decides to follow through with that I could end up being completely without him and I've never been without him in my adult life. I want him to think about our nearly 10 year relationship and remember how good we were. We've worked through a lot of serious issues before and always come out stronger. I know we could make it through this too, but he has to want to.

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Originally Posted By: regretfulinMD
He's even mentioned possibly wanting to date other people.

redflag

Hon, your wayward husband has found an excuse to continue to sleep around on you, and you're rolling over and letting your marriage die.

Do you want to work the MB plan?

Last edited by Prisca; 05/19/11 08:55 PM.

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Originally Posted By: regretfulinMD
At this point, he doesn't want to work on things together.


you know this parable?


In a town there was once a judge who didn't fear God or care about people. In that same town there was a widow who kept going to the judge and saying, "Make sure that I get fair treatment in court." For a while the judge refused to do anything. Finally, he said to himself, "Even though I don't fear God or care about people, I will help this widow because she keeps on bothering me. If I don't help her, she will wear me out." (Luk 18:2-5)

If you want this to work, you are going to have to fight (not argue or be offensive mind you, but be persistent) to save your M. This means you may have to broach the subject a bit more often... There are many ways to bring the subject up.

CV


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I truly believe that he hasn't done anything yet other than talk to other people. I know this by his own admission. However, he hasn't made me any promises. I desperately want to work whatever plan will get us on track, but I can't do it alone. I screwed up. I don't deny that. I never have. I'm getting help for the issues that I ignored for so long and brought me here. I I just don't know what to say anymore.

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I've brought it up over and over and over again. Instead of it feeling like a plea to work on the most important relationship in our lives, to him it feels like I'm pressuring him to get over it and to be with me and work on it. I know how crazy I've been over the last several weeks. Sending desperate messages, sobbing uncontrollably, not eating because it makes me sick, missing work, drinking too much....etc. I don't want him to rush making a decision, I just don't want him to give up. I want him to say that maybe there is a possibility this could work so I'm really going to think about it, but not cloud that decision by seeing or talking to other people. Just because it's easier to talk to other people right now because they didn't hurt you doesn't mean that will be better. It just doesn't hurt right now.

I have a difficult time saying "I deserve an answer before you move on to someone else." It's what I want to say, but I don't feel like I deserve it after what I did. I feel like I'm hanging from a cliff and he has the ability to save me, but can't decide if he wants me around or wants to let me go. So I just keep hanging and I'll keep doing that for now.

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Regretful, do you want to work the MB plan?


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I do.

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Call or email Dr. Harley's radio show program, tell him your story, and get some free, professional help.


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It really is the best thing you can do for your marriage right now.


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Well, at this point i'm done. He wants to live a single life and do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to answer to anyone or work on our relationship. He doesn't think he'll ever get over what I did. I'll be here. If he wants me than he has to want to work us together

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Originally Posted By: regretfulinMD
Well, at this point i'm done. He wants to live a single life and do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to answer to anyone or work on our relationship. He doesn't think he'll ever get over what I did. I'll be here. If he wants me than he has to want to work us together
regretful, I'm wondering if your H is using your infidelity as a stepping stone for getting out of a marriage he didn't want to be in. think He's within his rights to remove himself from you after what you did, but it seems odd. He was all for it until you did it, and now he's checking out. Just makes me wonder.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/20/11 10:13 AM.

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I think he wants and has always wanted to see if there was something better, but just in case he didn't find it he's going to keep me around. I'm in no way condoning my behavior. He knows exactly how he hurt me before and how he continues to hurt me now. I love him more than myself, but he's killing me.

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Originally Posted By: regretfulinMD
Well, at this point i'm done. He wants to live a single life and do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to answer to anyone or work on our relationship. He doesn't think he'll ever get over what I did. I'll be here. If he wants me than he has to want to work us together


One thing you can do is tell him you don't agree with this. Tell him you hold him responsible for his part in the extremely destructive decision for BOTH of you to be unfaithful. Tell him that it is ridiculous for him to hold you accountable for your part and not to be held accountable for his part and that he's lying to himself if he holds you solely to blame. Tell him that you don't think being apart right now is going to help anything and that you are aware of a plan for recovering marriages in situations exactly such as yours, and tell him that you want to keep your marriage and work on this plan, and tell him that separation is not going to solve anything.

Your husband has been attempting to destroy your marriage, and I think you should stand up to him. He is every bit as much to blame as you. He was unfaithful from the minute he suggested that the two of you go outside of your marriage. In fact, he was probably unfaithful before that! He proposed a ridiculous and unworkable set of "rules," and for some reason you feel guilty for breaking them, when HE should feel guilty for proposing them! What he did was wrong, hon, and you should tell him that you hate what his idea did to your marriage and tell him that you want to start over!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: markos
He is every bit as much to blame as you. He was unfaithful from the minute he suggested that the two of you go outside of your marriage. In fact, he was probably unfaithful before that! He proposed a ridiculous and unworkable set of "rules," and for some reason you feel guilty for breaking them, when HE should feel guilty for proposing them!


Yes! Your husband has been just as unfaithful to your marriage as you have. This was all his idea! Infidelity is infidelity, no matter if you agree to it or not. He wanted to sleep around on you. He took steps to make it happen. It doesn't matter if you broke his silly rules. He was unfaithful by even suggesting them.

And he wants to act all hurt and innocent?

Why won't you call Dr. Harley?


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Originally Posted By: regretfulinMD
I think he wants and has always wanted to see if there was something better, but just in case he didn't find it he's going to keep me around. I'm in no way condoning my behavior. He knows exactly how he hurt me before and how he continues to hurt me now. I love him more than myself, but he's killing me.


Do you think someone who sees you as his fall-back plan in case he can't find anyone better is someone who is the best marriage partner possible for you?

Yes, you messed up. You didn't value your marriage enough to protect it. You were misled by a belief that somehow your previous faith robbed you of something you thought valuable... so you robbed yourself of something actually valuable.

Now, you know how valuable marriage is.

Doesn't sound like he does. You'd think almost losing you would help him see that, but it hasn't. Fundamentally his outlook that precipitated this horrific fall hasn't changed.

Sounds like he wants to be single... but know that he can come back to marriage if the single world slaps him in the face.

Are you comfortable with that?


Me & DH: 28
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