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My friend says she is supporting ow husband as we were all good friends. She will not choose. If your friend is married, she needs to be very careful maintaining that friendship. Your husband wasn't 'special' to OW. She'll be looking around for another man to fill her needs and the next one could be that friend's husband.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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AEK1, moving was discussed earlier, any more thoughts about that?
If you are unsure this would be necessary for your situation, I would recommend you write into the radio show to see what Dr Harley tells you. My guess is that he tells you you need to move inorder to R...
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Ifthe ow would do it again, why wouldn't my h? Surely my friends h is safe if they have a good marriage. Maybe ow and get husband are sorting their en out and are on the road to recovery?
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We will move. No question. It won't be long now. I would still like to see my friends though... It's so tough.
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they can visit after you move! :-)
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We will move. No question. It won't be long now. I would still like to see my friends though... It's so tough. Are these friends also friends of OW? If so after you move, you may want to think about giving them up.... You are in a place where you are constantly reminded of the A & OW because of your proximity, but once you get to a good where you don't trigger anymore (most of the time), you will see how just one bad trigger will set you back and you will understand the importance of avoiding it...
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Ifthe ow would do it again, why wouldn't my h? Surely my friends h is safe if they have a good marriage. Maybe ow and get husband are sorting their en out and are on the road to recovery? There is no guarantee that your H won't do it again. BUT, if your H is on board with MB principles and has set up EP and you are meeting each others EN then chances are better that he will not go outside the marriage. You can never know for sure about OW and her BH. All you really know for sure about OW is that she had no problem stepping into your marriage and causing total destruction.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Ifthe ow would do it again, why wouldn't my h? Surely my friends h is safe if they have a good marriage. Maybe ow and get husband are sorting their en out and are on the road to recovery? You don't know that they're working on things, and you don't know how successful they will be, even if they are. And you truly don't know how safe your friend's marriage is. I wish I had a nickel for every BS on this site who posted here, thinking they had a 'good marriage'. One thing you do know for sure: OW had an affair with a married man (your husband). That makes her dangerous to any marriage. Your H won't do it again because you're going to use MB tools on this site to affair-proof your M. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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And you truly don't know how safe your friend's marriage is. I wish I had a nickel for every BS on this site who posted here, thinking they had a 'good marriage'. One thing you do know for sure: OW had an affair with a married man (your husband). That makes her dangerous to any marriage. Your H won't do it again because you're going to use MB tools on this site to affair-proof your M. Yep - what MB said! If your friend is so unwise as to 'support' OW's H, there is indeed a good chance that will end badly for her marriage. That is how affairs start and it makes no difference if her marriage is solid or not. Discussing personal issues with anyone you are not married to is a fasttracked recipe for an affair. And you said this friend will not choose? So her moral compass isn't working so good either is it? As MB said, if you build a romantic relationship with your husband and implement extraordinary precautions (to ensure no OW meets his EN's again) he won't stray again.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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You are in a place where you are constantly reminded of the A & OW because of your proximity, but once you get to a good where you don't trigger anymore (most of the time), you will see how just one bad trigger will set you back and you will understand the importance of avoiding it... Oh this is sooo sooo true. placing space helps avoid triggering so much its not even funny. CV
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My friend and her h were also friend with ow and owh. Her view is she has to support both couples. If she supports me and my h she feels she needs to do the same for them. I get her point but it hurts seeing her as I can no longer have the same relationship with her; she has clearly said she doesn't want to talk about ow or the a. Thereforey friendship is a bit false as those things are the my biggest problems right now. Do I explain this to her or just walk away?
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Dump her and go silent , as a thinking person she has a choice to fraternise with those who commit wrong or keep her distance. Her contact with them implies she supports them and by this association is willing to hurt you.
Step away from the hurt.
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Thereforey friendship is a bit false as those things are the my biggest problems right now. Do I explain this to her or just walk away? AEK1, Your DF did not ask to be put into this awkward situation any more than you did. My guess is that your friend is a good person who is misguided and misinformed about affairs and how to truly recover from them. The reality is that you need to remove all the triggers holding back your recovery. This means that you now need to make new friends and remove yourself from the drama. I would explain to your friend as best you can what you need to recover. This means being around people who can support you and who are not connected to OW. I know affairs suck. If she is truly your friend, she will understand.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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AEK1,
Your DF did not ask to be put into this awkward situation any more than you did. My guess is that your friend is a good person who is misguided and misinformed about affairs and how to truly recover from them.
The reality is that you need to remove all the triggers holding back your recovery. This means that you now need to make new friends and remove yourself from the drama. I would explain to your friend as best you can what you need to recover. This means being around people who can support you and who are not connected to OW.
I know affairs suck. If she is truly your friend, she will understand. This is one of the most devastating aspects of A's... They don't just destroy friendships, but extended family relationships, friendships, work... there is nothing left untouched. A's are all encompassing in their damage... Cv
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I am playing tennis with her tomorrow. Not sure of to explain or just withdraw!!!
Things are improving with h. Changing bad habits is so hard though.
Moving from school in a few weeks; I think this will really help.
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I am playing tennis with her tomorrow. Not sure of to explain or just withdraw!!!
Things are improving with h. Changing bad habits is so hard though.
Moving from school in a few weeks; I think this will really help. Seriously, if she is that good a friend, and if she cares that much, she will understand why you are protecting yourself. Make yourself notes. points you can make when you talk.
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She understands but says that she is being fair to both couples who were good buddies.
She understands that seeing her triggers me but is not willing to cut ties with ow.
I feel I have lost everything. Why is it the innocent suffer so much?
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She understands but says that she is being fair to both couples who were good buddies.
She understands that seeing her triggers me but is not willing to cut ties with ow.
I feel I have lost everything. Why is it the innocent suffer so much? This is going to sound hard - but how are you feeling after spending time with your friend? Has it brought you any happiness? No it is not fair and is not something that you signed up for. But it is how it is. I remember how sad and alone I felt standing at the school watching OW joke and laugh with the other mothers who were also "my" friends and neighbors. It was not fair and there was nothing I could do about it. Moving house and removing myself from that environment lifted a "HUGE" weight off my shoulders. I then started to truly recover and move forward.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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I felt sad because it brought back memories.
I felt happy because we had a hug and I think she understood.
However she is still going to see ow and I don't think she will change that.
It's hard to drop a great friend but I have to move away from her.
H has read his needs her needs and seems like a different person.....
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A friend who *has to* support the OW is no friend worth keeping.
{{{aek}}}
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