About 20 years ago, my husband's brother was killed in an auto accident. We lived in another state at the time, and his brother's widow and his parents lived kind-of in proximity to each other.

At that time, my in-laws really hated me. I am putting this kindly, and this is truth. since my husband and I were married over 35 years ago, my in-laws were "less than enthused" with his choice for a wife. In their opinion, he married down, in every aspect they could possibly name. It was not until my H and I were married about 26 years, and another family tragedy befell them, that they came to realize I wasn't anything like they thought, and since then the relationship changed DRAMATICALLY.

Back to the death. BIL's death hit the family hard. My H was devastated, and went to help out. When I joined him for the funeral, I knew something was up. He didn't want me to ride with the family to the cemetery during the funeral (it was about 90 minutes away), instead told me to ride with his cousin. He sent me home ahead of him, and then stayed two more weeks. When he got home, he spent lots of time on the phone with the widow. He would go into the garage to talk with her so I could not hear, and got very angry when I asked why he did this.

At one point, he sent her flowers because she was "having a bad day". This flew in the face of his long-standing policy of NEVER sending me flowers because "they just die", which was what he always said to me. When I asked him about why there was a bill for some very expensive flowers on our charge card, he said he had sent them to her...and I was upset because of his "policy". He immediately sent me flowers, which of course made me even more angry at the time.

Long story short, we fought about his feelings for her, which went on over the course of several years. I asked him at the time if he was planning to leave me for her, and his response was that he was the closest thing she had to his brother, and that she needed him...I said that if he left, then he was dealing ME the exact same hand that she was dealt, only he was dealing it ON PURPOSE.

Many times over the years we had discussions over this woman, and I told him that I knew he was in an emotional affair with her. He denied any feelings, said nothing happened, yadda-yadda. Even during his recent affair, I again asked for a confession, he said I was "crazy" for even thinking this.

About two years ago, his dad died. We contacted the widow and let her know. She did not attend the funeral. I never gave this a second thought, as her contact with the family is minimal - at best. On occasions we might hear of her, just perhaps through one of our nieces or nephews (BIL's kids), but they also hear very little from her. She has remarried, twice, since the death, and has moved on with her life.

Imagine my surprise when she calls about three weeks after the funeral, chews me out royally, and accuses me of "always trying to keep her out of the family", "purposely not telling her when the funeral for FIL was so she could not attend", and then declaring that she is "no longer a member of this family" because of ME and because I have always connived to keep her out.

I was shocked. I never once tried to stop contact with anyone, because I had absolutely no proof whatsoever that there was an affair, and never mentioned anything to anyone besides my H. And certainly between that time and now she had plenty of interactions, more than I could possibly enumerate.

Anyway. This is long.

NOW???????

She has contacted us yet again. She is coming to visit MIL.

ONLY, IN THE MEANWHILE, MY HUSBAND HAS CONFESSED THAT HE HAS INDEED HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH HER. HE SAYS THAT 'SHE' NEVER KNEW OF HIS FEELINGS FOR HER.....I THINK HE IS A LIAR ABOUT THIS AND IS STILL PROTECTING HER.

He said when she comes, he absolutely will NOT visit with her.


I said, that no matter what happens, I cannot win in this situation. No matter what, I look like a witch with a B.


It is what it is.


I just needed to vent.


And, I hate this woman, because she knows exactly what she is doing.

BTW, her second husband recently died. She is bringing H number 3 to meet MIL.........



right.....



SB

Oh SB! I'm so sorry! What a horrible person she is!

ugh... I am so sorry this has happened to you, schoolbus. The lies are almost always worse than the affair. I would ask him to take a polygraph. Like you, I doubt you are getting the full story.

What prompted him to tell you this much now? It sounds like alot has gone on behind the scenes besides the affair, such as the way she was excluded from the family. How did it happen that she blames you for that?

I would ask him to polygraph too.

For truth. To deal with it and certainly even if it was a PA, he needs to be brave enough to show you he is yours now. Yours and what the truth is about the past.

Either way.....steer clear of OW/SIL and talk to him of steering clear of the OW/SIL.

You can not control people but you can express your thoughts and your need for validation of facts.

HE HAS INDEED HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH HER. HE SAYS THAT 'SHE' NEVER KNEW OF HIS FEELINGS.....He said when she comes, he absolutely will NOT visit with her.

Well, this might be okay, IF you can believe him, and IF you're satisfied with continuing as the "in-person" surrogate for his "in-imagination" love-object. Nah, on second thought, it ain't okay at all!

He needs to compose a NC letter, laying out his reasons for never having any contact, or communication, with her again. He needs to get your approval as to the wording, and give it to you for your delivery to her. Then you need to directly contact her fianc� and explain that your husband has long had inappropriate feelings for his intended bride, and you will require his (the fianc�'s) diligent attention to ensuring that they are kept apart. This would be the "toned-down" response.

The "jacked-up" response would be to demand a full accounting (with polygraph support) of how his affair was entirely unknown to her, and NEVER became a PA, all those years ago, and since.

ETA: I have to learn to type faster!

SB,

I'm really sorry your hurting so much. It's completely understandable that you hate this woman. It is hard to imagine that she never knew about your H feelings for her. Do you think you will confront her on this?

I will pray that God gives you wisdom to handle this whole mess.

Schoolbus,

I am so so sorry. Mel's q's are right on track. I'm not shifting blame for your H here, but in-laws create such a weird and difficult dynamic. Mine implicitly helped create the environment for my wife's A. I think a polygraph is spot on.

CV

Mel,

You ask what prompted this confession after all these years? H and I have had many discussions about Witchy since she called. Prior to her calling me, she had called MIL.

Mind you, she did this calling only 3 weeks after MIL lost her husband of 40 years...and having no thoughts or feelings whatsoever regarding this, expressed all of her ideas about how *I* had tried to exclude her from "everything" that the family had "ever done". MIL told her that was crazy, that I had never said an unkind thing about her, had never done anything to keep her from coming, and in fact if it had not been for ME there would absolutely not even BE AN INTACT FAMILY WHATSOEVER.

Then, MIL called me and told me what she said to Witchy, and told me that she told Witchy that NOBODY should ever try to come between her and me, and if Witchy had any thoughts about doing that she better think again. I have never felt so supported by MIL in my life. This was the one time that MIL really saw Witchy in her true colors, and trust me, it shocked not only her, but everyone in the family.

I, too, was shocked. I was shocked when she called me. I had always suspected she wanted to be with my H, but had no suspicion she had carried such deep resentment toward me. I just have not had much contact with her over the years. After all, she remarried about 18 years ago, then divorced that guy (he is the one who recently died), and then she remarried about 10 years or so ago. We haven't ever even met this "new" husband.....he is not even new!

Regarding the "why" of the confession?

My H is just coming to terms with understanding the depth of his own betrayals of me. We have talked about lots of things, and this behavior of this OW is something he has never really seen. I believe he thought, yet again, that this was something that "would never hurt me if I never knew about it".

She had been essentially no-contact for so long, and then this funeral stuff came up.

sorry, I'm all over the map. Let me start again.
SB

Mel,

Why did he confess.

We were talking about emotional affairs, and Witchy. I told him that I had always felt that he was going to leave me for her right after his brother died, and the evidence was blatant for me: the asking me to leave, his visting her without me, his talking on the phone, the flowers, etc.

Then we discussed his comment about how he felt like he was the closest thing to his brother that "she had". After all these years, I asked him, I wondered why he felt like he could still not trust me enough to talk about this issue? I told him that I already essentially KNEW, it was that I needed to know from his mouth what happened.

He told me that looking back, he was in a very deep state of depression. His brother's death hit him like a ton of bricks, and that he knew that Witchy felt the same way. Somehow in there he thought that he could rescue her, still have his family, somehow work this whole thing out...yet he knew he couldn't do both. He said he did believe he loved her, only over time came to understand that was not love at all, it was a sad mixture of grief and desire for his brother's life to somehow come back, to be lived again, to somehow be replaced.

He told me he never told her anything about how he felt, because in his mind this was a huge betrayal of his brother. He looked at me and said, "I know. I should have felt a betrayal of you, only somehow at that point in my life it was all about me, my sadness, my brother, it was all about me."

As for me, I know that SHE wanted me gone, so I do know that she had feelings for my H at the time, too. She was reluctant to talk to me on the phone. I know this was spoken of between the two of them, and that he is lying about this.

It is something he will tell me in time, his trickle-truth yet again. It is something that I hate about him.

He knows that this whole thing, with her calling again has me very upset.

His mother also knows - because I told her that SIL wanted him to replace his brother.


MIL said that it never would have worked, even if they had tried that. MIL has an odd sense of humor - she said, "those two would have gone broke overnight, lost their jobs due to alcohol, and the kids would have abandoned them due to sheer disgust".

she is right about that


My H told me this morning that he has absolutely no desire, no plans and will not see or talk with Witchy for as long as he lives. As far as what he may have once believed was love?


He says he was an idiot, and the very thought makes him really pi$$ed off at himself.


I don't know. We will see what the trickle brings.


My guess is the Witch will call me. I have a few things to say to her if she does.


Oh, and one more thing. Never, not one time, did I ever try or even think about keeping her from any family function. I was, in fact, the only person who ever thought about calling her to include her.



Idiots.


SB

CV,


Interesting you recognized the situation with the In-laws. My MIL pointed that out to the Witch when she called! That was something MIL said to her, and told her she had been wrong about me for far too long, and had wasted too many precious years doing stupid sh*&t, and absolutely would not stand for anyone else making that mistake while she watched.

Grace,

I don't know if I would make the effort to call her.

If she calls me?


You bet your sweet a$$ I will confront her on it. I hope she is sitting down when my phone rings, because the blowback on her end will be pretty rough when I answer on my end.

reading and NG,

I have given extensive contemplation to the possibility of a PA.


I am working on a way to find out

from HER.


She is stupid. There are easy ways for me to get her to tell me.

SB

'She is stupid. There are easy ways for me to get her to tell me.'





awesome!

If SB or "60 minutes" was on my case, I'd just run to Mexico... just sayin.

We had to NC my inlaws. I am glad you MIL sees this. Use her for support as she is able to give it.

CV

I'm imagining the scene from back to the future where Marty is standing in front of the amplifier with his guitar....

The force it TOTALLY with you, SB!

Ve haf vays of makink you talk.


BWA-HA-HA!!!!!

sb, I hate that you're having to go through all of this, but I will admit the throwdown between you and Witchy would be GREAT entertainment! Give 'er what for!

Here's what makes me laugh:

During her phone call, she told me that she was "done" with this family, and that she no longer had a family. I told her that it was absolutely her choice, but I would make the prediction that, like an angry rooster, she would come back time and again, to the coop to try to stir things up. I told her it would be something she could never avoid, because she had too many ties, and had not the intellect to work through whatever it was that led her to do and say the things she was doing at saying to me at that time.

(You have to know, that at that time I had NO idea of my husband's confession to come...)


She again said she would NEVER contact the family again, to which I said, "It is of course YOUR choice. Remember my words, however, and know that the choice you make is absolutely YOURS to make. I welcome you to remain in touch. I welcome you as a sister, as I always have. I welcome you to be loved. I welcome you to figure out whatever is bothering you, and to know that no one wants you to feel the way you do. If you leave, know that the only person desiring that

is you

and that you will regret this

and you will be back


and you will feel bad about what you have done.


Also know that you will have a great deal of difficulty trying to figure out how to repair this."



She called my MIL the other day, and "didn't want to talk about the funeral thing". MIL said that they would have to talk about it.


She hasn't called me yet.


The rooster is scared of THIS CHICKEN YARD. Seems that she may be chickens&**t and not the bandy rooster she thought she was.


Kinda creepy to her that I knew before she knew

exactly what she would do.


Like I said,

she is stupid.



SB