I'm feeling really down today. I'm starting to understand why its recommended that we don't know about our WSs lives while we are in Plan B. I did it to myself. I asked WHs family if he even seems affected by me breaking contact. They said he really didn't and they thought that he would. His parents are very hurt by what he's doing not only for me and DD but because he's also lying to them about stupid things. I know I shouldn't be asking about his whereabouts or how he's acting since it does nothing but bring me down but it just seems to happen. Its like a bad habit that doesn't want to go away. Did anybody run into this problem when they started Plan B? How can I find the strength not to do this anymore? Any tricks I should know about??

Ugh I know what you mean! Maybe it just takes time ...

Mehr seems like we're in the same boat. I guess we'll be learning and growing stronger together.

Good Luck to both of us!! Isn't that right Reading?

Yes, finding out about WH and what he thinks is really not a good idea.
First of all----how can you even put a finger on what wh thinks? He is too foggy to know
So do not take anything he says seriously. It might change. These are unstable people we are talking about, broken people.
Second----for now the A has its high and it will have it for a while. But even if things were not good between the AP you wil not know it because WH will keep up the farce as long as he can not to lose face(mostly not to lose face with himself and his choices...he needs to work hard on himself and tell himself he made the right choice)
Third---
The OP is trash. If it ends up that WH is totally content with trash then you have to thank OW for taking him from you and freeing you from such a low life.
But in general OP cannot offer much and this will show after a while into the A. Some A last longer than others but in general, stats show that they all end a natural death.
IMO, the longer they last the more painful the blow on the WH....so not matter how you put it, as Dr H. says, the A ends up being the WH's biggest mistake in life.

I also have a comment about WH and OW not living together. From what i see the living together pretty much happens right away, in the mist of the peak of the A when the 2 AP are in the "soul mate" stage.
As time goes by, the WH gets used to having his independence and maybe is not that keen on putting himself into a committed situation. Living with someone is a commitment.
blessing

Thanks for that Atena. I can say with much certainty that theu are past the whole soil mate stage. I know about the majority of the A through keylogger. I even know the exact date of when this all started. Believe me, if you don't have the stomach to know every single detail about ur WSs A DO NOT use keylogger. It brings nothing but unnecessary agony! My rational was that at least I knew the truth. Well, the truth hurts, a lot. I would've been much better off not knowing about their sexual conversations and every detail about when he betrayed me for the first time. The flashbacks are horrendous!
I'm trying not to take anything he says or does seriously. I know he's not the person I once knew, but its so hard to think of such a former honest man as a bold face liar!

I can only imagine. I only found one sexual mesage from OW on the cell and it was "I want to make love to you now>"
I still remember that sentence playing in my head for months....it was terrible.
Well, if they are past the soil mate stage then there is hope there. But it takes a dark dark plan B. SO keep it that way!
Blessing

So I spoke to my IC today. She thinks I should speak to my WH again so I can verbalize that I am willing to work on the things that I contributed to the destruction of the marriage. I guess I never did tell him that. I know I had some fault in our marriage going bad, and I am willing to work on them, but I never told him that. I know it would help our situation since he himself thinks he at fault for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I know he is completely at fault for the A, he chose to do that, but the destruction of the marriage prior to the A, we both had fault.

This would mean that I am breaking Plan B though. What should I do?

Tell her thank you for her UNSOLICITED ADVICE, but no thank you. If she can't keep her opinions to herself and support you in your Plan B, you need to QUICKLY find a new IM. An IM who tries to interfere with your Plan B is a DISASTER. An IM is supposed to be a NEUTRAL message conveyer AND NOTHING MORE. She is not your marriage counselor.

ML she is my counselor. My individual/marriage counselor, did I use the wrong abbreviations?? Oops So should I find a new counselor?

Wow I found almost the same text message on my husband's phone, thats how I found out about the affair.

I like what you said about the 3 reasons we don't want to know. Right -- nothing he says can be taken seriously right now. He is trying to keep up the farce even if she is wearing off. My husband said she was "wearing off" 1.5 months ago. I have no idea what has happened since. I hope she's getting crusty and boring. LOL....

Anyway...

This should have been a part of Plan A and the Plan B letter though.... did you do those?

Just tell her NO. Once you have gone into Plan B, you don't break Plan B for any reason except and emergency.

You used the right abbreviation, I thought you said IM when you said IC. sorry for the confusion, i am getting old. But no, you shouldnt break plan b to give him another message. That signals to him that you aren't serious about no contact.

Mehr I actually didn't find MB until after I started my own "Plan B" So I didn't know aboit plan A or the letter until now. So the first 8 months of this A was unguided. I did expose, I confronted by crying, begging, the whole works...I did try to do some things that would help him end it but I also done some crazy LBs. The letter I sent did give my requirements for him to return, I did tell him how much he was hurting me and thats why we can't have contact, and that I was willing to take him back and work on the marriage, but I never in the 8 months or the letter own up to my part of the destruction of the marriage.

Tired, you will have plenty of opportunity to tell him that if he meets the requirements stated in your letter. If he was interested in doing that, then you owning up to your part in the marriage would not stop him.

its ok ML I think I'm getting old to haha. She did say it was up to me. I didn't think it was a good idea either, but had to ask.

In the meantime, WH is STILL jumping through hoops to talk to me. He actually started yelling over the phone to say hi while I was talking to my BIL nad he lied to BIL that he needed to say something important to me about DD. BIL called his bluff though amd said he could tell him and he will get the message to me. Then he goes and steals BILs phone in the middle of the night and texts me that he's scared and he misses his best friend. This man has issues!!!

You're right ML. Thanks. You are very wise! Hehe!

I agree you shouldn't break your plan B to clarify your mistakes.

So WH sent dinner with my DD again. I guess they had a bbq and he saved some for me. I wonder, is he somehow getting one of his ENs met by doing this? I told BIL to tell him thanks which was probably a mistake on my part. Don't really know. What do I do the next time he does this? If I don't accept the food, would that be a LB? And how do I go into super dark plan b? Is it better for the WS to know about when I'm going out and doing fun stuff, or is it better for them not to know anything about what I'm doing with my life? In my case one of my Hs biggest complaints was that I never wanted to go out and do fun things by myself...just thinking out loud here lol

I would not say anything about stuff sent.
You said thank you but you don't need to say that. Just no message back.

The only messages that should go back and forth are about
kids important issues
or
$.

I would also just do things I want to do to keep myself busy and not tell people whether they should comment on it or not with WH. A very important part of life that you master in MB is learning you are responsible for yourself and your boundaries and can not manipulate or demand anything of anyone else. Live your life to make yourself proud. YK?

Be your best you for you above all else.

Proceed as though you must have only yourself from now on into eternity and if WH ever tells your IM he has ended his affair and is prepared to recover the marriage see where YOU are at in still wanting that.