I found out 2 years ago my husband had an online affair with a girl who he knew from New York. I knew of this girl, as she use to text or ring him from time to time on friendly basis (or so he told me). He told me she was his cousin, and he lived out there for approx 3 months before I met him, and they became good friends. I never questioned this as he has a lot of family out there. She was even invited to our wedding, but did not attend.

We were only married a year and half when I found out. I found out 3 weeks after our first son was born that they were emailing, texting, and calling each other. I found an email address of his that I didn�t know existed, and I found a way of logging in. To my shock and horror, I found these emails. Some were romantic, some were rude and dirty, and some were everyday things.

When I confronted my husband, the first thing he did before talking to me was push me away from the computer and delete all the emails, so I didn�t read them all. At first he blamed her and said it was nothing, as nothing physically happen, and he was very defensive.

This woman was also married, so I got her to give me her husband�s number so I could ring him and tell him about it. He told me that she was having a baby (about 2 or 3 months pregnant) and she was over in Ireland in Feb visiting family. Both my husband and this woman deny they ever met. My husband did tell me he booked a hotel down the country for the two of them, but she would not meet him. The only reason he told me this was because I demanded to see our credit card statements. According to my husband and this woman, they started this online thing before xmas, and I found out in the May.

We tried counselling when this happened, but I didn�t find it any good as after 3 sessions, the counsellor just wanted me to move on, and I wasn�t ready. Plus I found out later that my husband wasn�t telling all the truth.

2 years on and the rawness is gone, but I still feel in limbo. My husband finds it hard to talk about it, and I want to talk about it, so it causes arguments. I recently found out that my husband was looking into porn sites and signed up to a lot of dating and chat room sites. He also posted very explicit photos of himself in these sites. He denies ever meeting any of these women, but I find it all hard to believe.

I trust my husband at present, as I have access to his emails, etc., and I do believe he is sorry, and I know he loves me. I don�t feel he would do it again. But my problem is the past because I feel as if there is something else out there that I don�t know about, and I�m so scared of putting all my trust AND faith back into this relationship for something else to happen. As I told my husband, if I find anything else out, then that�s it -- I can not take it. I don�t know if it�s me and because of all the lies that I feel he is hiding more or is he? My husband thinks if we don�t talk about it, and if he doesn�t tell me things because he can�t face up to them, then it will all go away. But I�m at breaking point. I know in my heart he hasn�t been honest about everything in the past since we met or got married. I�m always searching to find it out. I feel some days I�m going mad. Everything I know right now I had to find out myself. It did not come from husband. And when I confront him about anything, he says, �I thought we were moving on,� and it always ends in row. So I keep all my feelings to myself, as I don�t want to row.

I want my relationship to work, and I know my husband does, too. But I don�t know if he is man enough to face up to his past and what he has done. I feel sometimes like I�m doing it all -- the sacrifices, the forgiveness, the pain -- and he just wants to move on. Your advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated. I need help for the sake of me and my 3 children.

Please advise and help and let me know your thoughts if you think there is more to his story or am I going mad

Oh. what I was meant to say is that the chat rooms and porn sites happen before and after we got married we are together 7 years in total he was on these sites before and during our relationship

Thank you for your honest response....a lie detector I really dont think is an option.