My husband did the same thing when I first went into Plan B. He was angry I was not letting him know what was going on with the boys. Like it was my responsibility. I refuse to help him be a parent. Hostility has stopped after he insisted I speak with him I just reiterated, I will talk to you if you want to preserve our marriage, if not you have said enough. No response through IM and somewhat cooperating. Now, he has not called our boys in over a week. He wants to be a dad only when he feels like it. So sad...

Today is WH's usual dinner visitation day with the kids. We are still in our stalemate. I am going to fly out of work and try to get to daycare to pick up the kids before he does in case he thinks he is going to just go get them and have his visit anyway. Somehow, I have a feeling his lawyer may have told him to do that, that he should just default to our previous arrangement and get the kids. I know if he can get them he will have them with OW just to stick it to me and prove his point that he is free to do whatever he wants, regardless of who is hurt by it.

I feel like WH is continually attacking me and punishing me for his unhappiness (which is neither my fault nor my responsibility). We are in this stalemate because I am concerned about my children, but from his point of view this isn't about that, it's a power struggle between him and me. He doesn't realize that I have given up trying to control or influence what he does with his own life. He sees me removing myself from the path of his destruction as a control issue. And he thinks this disagreement over what is best for the kids as me trying to tell him what to do, when he is totally free to make his own choices and do whatever he wants with his life without interference from me, he just can't drag my kids down into his crazy mess of self-destruction. I am so frustrated because I am trying to extricate myself from him and his mess and he keeps dragging me back in.

I have an appointment tonight with a children's therapist that my therapist recommended (someone in the same practice). She said she usually meets with the parents alone before she brings in the kids (or in my case: parent, singular). This morning DS5 was hanging on me again when I dropped him off at daycare telling me he wanted to stay with me today. This kills me because it is TOTALLY NOT HIM.

DS5 also asked me last night and again this morning when his daddy was going to promise not to have him around that bad lady so he can see him. My heart is breaking for him. He misses his dad so much. WH is putting himself, and frankly everything else (like satisfying his irrational anger at me), before his children.

In related news, our tenant is finally going to be out of our other house today. I told her about my concern that he would try to pick up my kids and she is going to send him a message this afternoon telling him she left the key on the kitchen counter and the back door unlocked. We are hoping he rushes right over there and then is so distracted by the condition of the house and seeing all his plans falling apart right before his eyes that I can get the kids to "safety" before he composes himself to do anything.

Hope everything will go smoothly today...hugs

Hope everything is going ok, hyacinth. Keep me posted!

My kids call her the bad lady too. Lol.

Yesterday I was able to get my kids from daycare just fine. (I don't think he even tried or would have tried to get them.) Then, my IM's husband met me because I needed to rent a car and have someone follow me to my mechanic's to get mine fixed.

Last night I also met with a child therapist who will start seeing my kids, DS5 at least, not sure about DS3 yet. I really liked her. She's the daughter of my own therapist, so I had assumed I would. I meet with her again next week to give her more background (because there's so! much! background!) and then she'll have her first appointment with DS5, probably toward the end of next week. He had another meltdown at daycare drop off yesterday, hanging on me and telling me he wanted to stay with me.

Our tenant was NOT out of the old house yesterday. Long story, but I think she finally is out this morning. I'm not sure when he's going to go over there, but my tenant said he was texting her things like "I have a truck loaded with my belongings and I have to move. A new tenant moves into my apartment next Monday. I can't wait any longer." He has NO idea that that house is not habitable. His big plan is about to crumble before his eyes! I don't know whether he will contact my IM or not, but the beauty of Plan B is I won't know and I don't care!

I want to make it clear that the only reasons why I care about our other house and his reaction to it at all is that:
1) He is continually "retaliating" against me for his own unhappiness, even though I am not at fault and not responsible to "fix" it, so I fear that he'll do something (not sure what) to get back at me for the condition of the house. Because somehow that will be my fault, irrational as that is.
And 2) I think he believes he's going to be able to take the kids there soon, believes that he will finally have a place where they can have their own rooms and beds. Hopefully, he realizes when he sees the house that it's not an option. I don't think he's being truthful with our ex-tenant about having to be out of his apartment, but if he is, he is now essentially homeless. I assume he will stay with OW (she has her own house), but he darn sure isn't taking my kids to her place if I can help it, so he will have nowhere to have them for visitation (which I will be sure to point out at a custody hearing).

All this time, basically since this all started, this other house has been like Shangri-la to him. He keeps believing if he can move in there he can straighten his life out, figure out what he wants and be happy. This plan of his is all going to fall apart in the first second of walking into that house and I have no idea what's going to happen next.

Okay, I'm freaking out here a little bit. I just got this email from my IM:

Hyacinth,
WH agrees with your terms. Please let me know where he can pick kids up this weekend. You will have them sat. for party and he will keep them until Tues. morning.

How do I know he won't have them around her? I DON'T TRUST HIM AND FOR GOOD REASON. And how will I know if he does? What's my recourse if he does? He could pick them up, drive straight to her house and stay there all weekend.

There's also been no mention whatsoever of the house or its condition yet. I want to ask him where he is planning on having the kids.

Listen carefully to this statement. It will be your raft in the sea of uncertainty

"Release control".


Yup, you can't be sure of anything he says or does. You can only control yourself.
You asked him to agree to the conditions and now, let's see.

If he doesn't the kids will let you know by what they say when they come back and you will deal with it then. You kids will look to you to say what is right. If they come back and say they were with OW, you say "Daddy's who are married should not be dating people." Period.

You will protect them by transcending the drama and mess and being mom.

Hopefully WH really IS agreeing to the condition.

We will see.

You are right. That is the main thing I have been struggling with through all of this, the lack of control.

I would give him the kids. All you have the right to control is that he keep the kids away from the OW. If he takes them around her, you can withhold them from him in the future. You can't ask him where he is planning on taking the kids.

Can you get the 5 yr old a pre-paid phone so he can call you? You can tell him to call you if the skank shows up.

ITA with reading and ML.

It's so hard to let go, but it has to be done.

Yes, I am going to give him the kids, but at this point I'm as equally worried that he'll take them to that house as I am that he will have them around OW. Words cannot express the condition it is in. I am truly worried it is not safe, especially that it's a fire hazard. Our ex-tenant told me an electrician told her it could have an electrical fire at any minute. He sent my IM a text that said he went to the house. That was all it said. No idea what that means.

He also sent my IM an email telling her that a large household item I had asked him MONTHS AGO to keep his eye on for me for when it went on sale is now on sale until the end of the month and that "he has never seen it that cheap." It's the main component of a project he had -- again, months ago -- agreed to make for me. ??? The Wayward Mind is certainly a conundrum, huh? I've given up trying to understand it or derive any meaning from his behaviors, other than, as I told my IM, "It is a clear indication that he is clinically insane. I don't know what else to say."

I just can't shake the feeling that something is up and he is scheming. I keep waiting for the attack or retaliation, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On a related note, I texted my MIL to ask how her boyfriend was doing (he just had surgery) because that affects when she will be coming for the summer (she winters away). And with the ulterior motive of seeing if she would be honest with me about being in communication with WH and find out if she ever confronted him.

Me: How is [boyfriend] doing?

MIL: He's getting stronger every day. How are you doing? How are the boys?

Me: The boys and I are about the same. Have you talked to WH recently?

MIL: We have texted recently.

Me: Have you asked him about his affair? Or asked him to please not put the kids in the middle of it?

MIL: Yes. Both. He said he will abide by your wishes for now.

Me: For now?

MIL: Until he can get legal advice.

Me: I don�t know what he told you, but we both have lawyers already. So I�m not sure what that means.

MIL: I don�t know. I just know he wants to see the boys. He did not tell me what his lawyer said. He was at work and didn�t have time.*

Me: I know he wants to see the boys. I want him to see the boys, too. It�s hard being away from a parent when you are a kid. I know how that feels,** so I feel badly for both the boys and him that he wouldn�t. The boys want to see him and are going to be excited to visit again. It�s good he wants to do the right thing for them.


What little respect I still have for this woman is draining away.


*I was tempted to say, �Really? Because he exchanges 400-500 texts PER DAY with OW while he is working.� But I took the high road.

**My parents divorced when I was a kid. WH�s husband�s family has no experience with divorce where children are involved, so they keep telling me things like �I hope you and he don�t use the boys as weapons� which I find particularly insulting because 1) that�s a pretty passive-aggressive way of basically telling me you think I will do just that and 2) they have no experience to draw from, so no understanding of what that would even mean. It�s something I would never do, but every time I disagree with him about the kids, do something that he doesn�t like, or I just don�t give him free reign to do whatever he wants with regards to my children, then I am a vindictive, controlling b-tch.

I am a child of divorce too, I totally understand. Having my kids go and visit daddy is so hard for me too.

Again, if he IS scheming or a shoe drops

you go with the flow and the punches.

Your MB plan will keep you in shape to ride it all. You simply follow the plan

no matter what.

You keep legal counsel and do your part to allow him access to the kids and

learn to get above the drama. To transcend the hoopla WH set into motion.

Love yourself. Love the kids. Have hope but let no scheme from over there bait you and set you off course.

Hyacinth, I know that you want to know what people are saying to your WH, BUT being in Plan B, you should NEVER KNOW. You asked her about it, flat out and then got into a back and forth with her.

Remember, blood is thicker than water. She is going to side with her son(unfortunately cuz I would kick my son's azz if he was doing this). Sometimes, you get great in-laws who stand up at first, but eventually, they too pick the side of their child, especially if they have back and forths with their D/SIL.

You asked people to speak up for you and your marriage, what you need to do now is sit back, step out of the drama and heal yourself.

NO MORE FINDING OUT ABOUT YOUR WH, k?

It's not that I wanted to know what she was saying to WH, it's more that I wanted to know if she ever confronted him at all. She's been saying she would since I told her about his first affair in December 2010. Believe me,I know she will always side with him, plus she is a HUGE enabler. It's just that I guess I thought I was supposed to follow up on exposure, but I will let it rest.