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HT, what's disturbing is how many of us men could tell that exact same story of being weak.

Yeah, we want to be strong, but we WANT to be able to be weak, to be vulnerable, with our wives. It makes it THAT MUCH WORSE when we are betrayed.

You weren't weak, HT. You were in love, and you were trusting. And it blew up in your face.

One day, you will have to learn to be strong enough to be vulnerable again...


Last edited by HoldHerHand; 05/26/11 09:10 AM.

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
"When you find yourself going through Hell... keep going."



HT, I feel you.

I know there is a part of me that has, in fact, been murdered. I will never get that part of myself back. I recognized what it was pretty quickly - it was the very last thread of child-like innocence that I had left, and that innocence was encapsulated in my love for my wife.

It's that belief in storybook love, and "meant to be" and all that other stuff that becomes... PURE DRIVEL once you have faced betrayal.


It's something that's almost palpable, you can sense it on those here who have lost it.

But, HT... it's just a PART of us. We are changed. We are battered, we are bruised, and injured... like you many of the betrayed right now are shattered and broken.

But, we can come back. We can get up. We can MOVE. FORWARD.


WE HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD.

For those who have not turned their attackers around, to lie there and bleed means their attacker, their betrayer, will continue to injure them, and just leave them bleeding in the gutter. And then they will blame the victim; "He just lay there... what would YOU have done?"

Recovery does not begin with 2 HT. Recovery begins with 1.

It begins with that 1 spouse who in a flash of desperation lifts the burning wreckage and frees the other spouse from the hell they are trapped in. It begins with that one spouse who begins marching through the flames, with a hand extended, refusing to burn any longer - I will not burn, and you can CHOOSE to come with me.


HT, recovery begins with YOU.


Amazing reply, made my eyes sweat a little.


BH (Me)-30
FWW (BostonLover)-29
Married 7/2004
D-Day 14&16 Feb, 2011
Starting Recovery
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
One day, you will have to learn to be strong enough to be vulnerable again...
hurray

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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Quote
RECOVERY IS NOT A DESTINATION
RECOVERY IS A DIRECTION

Keep moving .... in the right direction.

I love this Pep! I've even changed my signature line. This is so true. Saying we're recovered... implies that we have reached our destination and stopped. Not at all. We strive towards recovery daily. Simple yet profound.

/TJ

I can't claim it as my own.
It's something Mr Pep said to me that he picked up in an AA meeting.
kiss

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Quote
RECOVERY IS NOT A DESTINATION
RECOVERY IS A DIRECTION

Keep moving .... in the right direction.

I love this Pep! I've even changed my signature line. This is so true. Saying we're recovered... implies that we have reached our destination and stopped. Not at all. We strive towards recovery daily. Simple yet profound.

/TJ

I can't claim it as my own.
It's something Mr Pep said to me that he picked up in an AA meeting.
kiss

That's a thought that has occurred to me, the connection with AA.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I pretty much "grew up" in or around "The Program."

My sister, and my late BIL were both "program people," though it was my BIL that was the true addict (and what eventually claimed his life). I grew up to the sound of "speaker" tapes, I babysat my nephews and niece while they attended meetings, babysat for EVERYBODY at some meetings, and attended Ala-teen myself.

I went to dances, bar-b-q's, picnics, river floats - I was surrounded by those in recovery. The word "recovered" didn't exist.

This is not different.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I thought it was more in line with "His Needs/Her Needs" myself. I agree, it's not as encompassing as MB. I've tried to get them interested in looking into this site but alas that's where the pastor steered them. I wouldn't discard the Love Dare, but I think it's only part of the solution which MB covers.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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HurtingTurkey

I didn't know where else to put this, I've been reading your posts on 101 and thought I'd better have a look and find out more about you.

Your posts are so well written, using so much empathy and drawing on your own experience. Your story and where you are now are a tale of a man with much dignity and strength.

It takes so much courage to face our own wrongdoings and change our hurtful habits and maintain new ones.

Thank you for sharing so much here and reaching out to so many people.

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Originally Posted by hurtingturkey
I am a two time loser in this circumstance.

Each day I pray for my wife and my family.

I am growing stronger and most days can function at 100% there are many days when I function in a dull, lifeless fog.

I wonder frequently if I will ever now happiness again.

What does infidelity do? It destroys people from the inside out.
Leaves pain that cannot be imagined by the perpetrator lost in their thoughtlessness.

Both of my wives cheated.
HT.....I HEAR YOU!!!



BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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""When you find yourself going through Hell... keep going."



HT, I feel you.

I know there is a part of me that has, in fact, been murdered. I will never get that part of myself back. I recognized what it was pretty quickly - it was the very last thread of child-like innocence that I had left, and that innocence was encapsulated in my love for my wife.

It's that belief in storybook love, and "meant to be" and all that other stuff that becomes... PURE DRIVEL once you have faced betrayal.


It's something that's almost palpable, you can sense it on those here who have lost it.

But, HT... it's just a PART of us. We are changed. We are battered, we are bruised, and injured... like you many of the betrayed right now are shattered and broken.

But, we can come back. We can get up. We can MOVE. FORWARD.


WE HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD.

For those who have not turned their attackers around, to lie there and bleed means their attacker, their betrayer, will continue to injure them, and just leave them bleeding in the gutter. And then they will blame the victim; "He just lay there... what would YOU have done?"

Recovery does not begin with 2 HT. Recovery begins with 1.

It begins with that 1 spouse who in a flash of desperation lifts the burning wreckage and frees the other spouse from the hell they are trapped in. It begins with that one spouse who begins marching through the flames, with a hand extended, refusing to burn any longer - I will not burn, and you can CHOOSE to come with me.


HT, recovery begins with YOU."
------------
This is one of the best things Ive read on here.

HT-You have a history of unreturned affection that goes back to age seven. That sir is a problem. You are wallowing in things you have no reason to be wallowing in anymore.

I love my wife. I do. I never told enough before but I tell her everyday now. Im lucky to have someone whose fog broke on dday. I got it easy and she began to earn my forgiveness.

I showed her the quote above as it really defines the scope of the our emotions and I felt it was important for her to read it.

I made a promise to myself that I would try my hardest to love my wife. Id make it clear to her I want to be her husband. I would not, however, let her ruin my entire life is she wanted OM or any other man. I would try for my family's sake to get her back using techniques like MB. But I would NOT let it consume my existence.

LITS. Life it too short.

If your efforts at getting her back are not being returned and youve given it your best, do no blame 45 years of bad luck with women, move forward and seek happiness. LITS.





Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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