|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
HT, what's disturbing is how many of us men could tell that exact same story of being weak.
Yeah, we want to be strong, but we WANT to be able to be weak, to be vulnerable, with our wives. It makes it THAT MUCH WORSE when we are betrayed.
You weren't weak, HT. You were in love, and you were trusting. And it blew up in your face.
One day, you will have to learn to be strong enough to be vulnerable again...
Last edited by HoldHerHand; 05/26/11 10:10 AM.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 67
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 67 |
"When you find yourself going through Hell... keep going."
HT, I feel you.
I know there is a part of me that has, in fact, been murdered. I will never get that part of myself back. I recognized what it was pretty quickly - it was the very last thread of child-like innocence that I had left, and that innocence was encapsulated in my love for my wife.
It's that belief in storybook love, and "meant to be" and all that other stuff that becomes... PURE DRIVEL once you have faced betrayal.
It's something that's almost palpable, you can sense it on those here who have lost it.
But, HT... it's just a PART of us. We are changed. We are battered, we are bruised, and injured... like you many of the betrayed right now are shattered and broken.
But, we can come back. We can get up. We can MOVE. FORWARD.
WE HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD.
For those who have not turned their attackers around, to lie there and bleed means their attacker, their betrayer, will continue to injure them, and just leave them bleeding in the gutter. And then they will blame the victim; "He just lay there... what would YOU have done?"
Recovery does not begin with 2 HT. Recovery begins with 1.
It begins with that 1 spouse who in a flash of desperation lifts the burning wreckage and frees the other spouse from the hell they are trapped in. It begins with that one spouse who begins marching through the flames, with a hand extended, refusing to burn any longer - I will not burn, and you can CHOOSE to come with me.
HT, recovery begins with YOU. Amazing reply, made my eyes sweat a little.
BH (Me)-30 FWW (BostonLover)-29 Married 7/2004 D-Day 14&16 Feb, 2011 Starting Recovery
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
One day, you will have to learn to be strong enough to be vulnerable again...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
RECOVERY IS NOT A DESTINATION RECOVERY IS A DIRECTION
Keep moving .... in the right direction. I love this Pep! I've even changed my signature line. This is so true. Saying we're recovered... implies that we have reached our destination and stopped. Not at all. We strive towards recovery daily. Simple yet profound. /TJ I can't claim it as my own. It's something Mr Pep said to me that he picked up in an AA meeting.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
RECOVERY IS NOT A DESTINATION RECOVERY IS A DIRECTION
Keep moving .... in the right direction. I love this Pep! I've even changed my signature line. This is so true. Saying we're recovered... implies that we have reached our destination and stopped. Not at all. We strive towards recovery daily. Simple yet profound. /TJ I can't claim it as my own. It's something Mr Pep said to me that he picked up in an AA meeting. That's a thought that has occurred to me, the connection with AA. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I pretty much "grew up" in or around "The Program." My sister, and my late BIL were both "program people," though it was my BIL that was the true addict (and what eventually claimed his life). I grew up to the sound of "speaker" tapes, I babysat my nephews and niece while they attended meetings, babysat for EVERYBODY at some meetings, and attended Ala-teen myself. I went to dances, bar-b-q's, picnics, river floats - I was surrounded by those in recovery. The word "recovered" didn't exist. This is not different.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463 |
I thought it was more in line with "His Needs/Her Needs" myself. I agree, it's not as encompassing as MB. I've tried to get them interested in looking into this site but alas that's where the pastor steered them. I wouldn't discard the Love Dare, but I think it's only part of the solution which MB covers.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535 |
HurtingTurkey
I didn't know where else to put this, I've been reading your posts on 101 and thought I'd better have a look and find out more about you.
Your posts are so well written, using so much empathy and drawing on your own experience. Your story and where you are now are a tale of a man with much dignity and strength.
It takes so much courage to face our own wrongdoings and change our hurtful habits and maintain new ones.
Thank you for sharing so much here and reaching out to so many people.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289 |
I am a two time loser in this circumstance. Each day I pray for my wife and my family.
I am growing stronger and most days can function at 100% there are many days when I function in a dull, lifeless fog.
I wonder frequently if I will ever now happiness again.
What does infidelity do? It destroys people from the inside out. Leaves pain that cannot be imagined by the perpetrator lost in their thoughtlessness. Both of my wives cheated. HT.....I HEAR YOU!!!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995 |
""When you find yourself going through Hell... keep going."
HT, I feel you.
I know there is a part of me that has, in fact, been murdered. I will never get that part of myself back. I recognized what it was pretty quickly - it was the very last thread of child-like innocence that I had left, and that innocence was encapsulated in my love for my wife.
It's that belief in storybook love, and "meant to be" and all that other stuff that becomes... PURE DRIVEL once you have faced betrayal.
It's something that's almost palpable, you can sense it on those here who have lost it.
But, HT... it's just a PART of us. We are changed. We are battered, we are bruised, and injured... like you many of the betrayed right now are shattered and broken.
But, we can come back. We can get up. We can MOVE. FORWARD.
WE HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD.
For those who have not turned their attackers around, to lie there and bleed means their attacker, their betrayer, will continue to injure them, and just leave them bleeding in the gutter. And then they will blame the victim; "He just lay there... what would YOU have done?"
Recovery does not begin with 2 HT. Recovery begins with 1.
It begins with that 1 spouse who in a flash of desperation lifts the burning wreckage and frees the other spouse from the hell they are trapped in. It begins with that one spouse who begins marching through the flames, with a hand extended, refusing to burn any longer - I will not burn, and you can CHOOSE to come with me.
HT, recovery begins with YOU." ------------ This is one of the best things Ive read on here.
HT-You have a history of unreturned affection that goes back to age seven. That sir is a problem. You are wallowing in things you have no reason to be wallowing in anymore.
I love my wife. I do. I never told enough before but I tell her everyday now. Im lucky to have someone whose fog broke on dday. I got it easy and she began to earn my forgiveness.
I showed her the quote above as it really defines the scope of the our emotions and I felt it was important for her to read it.
I made a promise to myself that I would try my hardest to love my wife. Id make it clear to her I want to be her husband. I would not, however, let her ruin my entire life is she wanted OM or any other man. I would try for my family's sake to get her back using techniques like MB. But I would NOT let it consume my existence.
LITS. Life it too short.
If your efforts at getting her back are not being returned and youve given it your best, do no blame 45 years of bad luck with women, move forward and seek happiness. LITS.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
222
guests, and
49
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 04:02 PM
|
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,614
Posts2,323,458
Members71,888
|
Most Online3,185 Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|