CV, wish I read your post before calling her at her job where she's in a classroom, got her our of the classroom, and lost my mind on her for 5 minutes. I f-bombed that she better make that the last lie to me or I pack my bags. I swear if she said wore it once or twice to a wedding or party, Id be OK. But, the quote was "I never wore it". And, bingo, right there on our photo shelf is her wearing it at a wedding a couple years ago. Life sucks.

Old Irish saying: "The word once spoken can never be retrieved"

Words once spoken are out there forever. BUT! we can also speak new words. We can make deposits in the love bank, craft our words so that they promote truth and peace, or we can use them to intimidate and tear down.

With a little grace and mercy, our words can be forgiven (by both the BS AND the WS) when spoken in an unloving manner.

Remember the words of Russel Crowe in Gladiator? What we do now echoes for eternity... Cheesy, but it is a call for us men to live a principled life, even when it kills us. We can lose our honor and respect in one foolish act, and spend a lifetime (as your W is finding out) trying to regain it.

Your feelings are normal, but act with your head (as ML or NG told me), not with your heart.

(Email to my wife):

I apologize for what I wrote and said. It shouldnt have happened especially on your birthday, a day we both agreed is going to mark "new us's".



I am upset and Ive been told what you are doing is called trickle-truth as more things become clearer in you memory, you will let them out and its a good thing.



I know you dont like that website Im using but in truth, I am in awe of how much they actually help me. Just wish I read the post after I told them about my jewelry store visit and the text to you and BEFORE I called you at work. One of people who has been dead on with our situation and who's posts I rely on said, "Bro, go get a coffee, relax and think about something else. There will be trickle truth (has any betrayed spouse here NOT experienced it to a degree?). Just read a book or something. Get your mind off of it. It's just a thing. A piece of metal and rock or whatever. It could have the hope diamond in it and its still worthless compared to a loving husband.

And send your wife an apology for your angry outburst."



And I now sending you an apology because I am your loving husband and I want to always be your loving husband.



Just please understand the pain Im in when I write and say the things I do and its not always "me", its some other guy Im trying to not be.



Love,



Michael

Mike,

You just made a grown man cry. Well done.

Easy, Mike. Calm down, here. You need to be very clear about something: you are assigning an importance to a piece of jewelry based on a dollar amount. Lose that. It's not the fact that a piece of expensive jewelry was given to her. It's the fact that another man gave her a token of his affection. And that's what happens in an affair. My H's AP gave him junk. Really. Cheap junk that made me embarrassed for her. Then I realized it wasn't the cost of the thing, it was the perceived value, which was high at the time because of the person giving it to him.

The fact is that another man gave your WW something that he had no right to give her. And I understand your anger about that. It's pretty frustrating, I know.

Now, having said that turn that piece of jewelry into something good for you and your WW. Have that nice dinner. Go get a nice room and see a play. Use every penny on your marriage. That would be a fitting way to put that token to work for you.

If the idea of doing that turns your stomach, give the money to a battered women's shelter. Or your local animal protective league. Use it for good.

Hey, Mike!

I suggest a new strategy; SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND LISTEN!

Quit taking any action toward your WW until you pass it through here first.

GOT IT?

Your back n forth crap (blow up, kiss azz) is going to shoot you in the foot.

KNOCK IT OFF!

HHH-Precisely what I need. A major [censored] kicking to set me straight. If my pop was alive, he would have done it 2 weeks ago.

I will and actually I have been trying to run my thoughts and actions by you guys first, but you know, you get crazy.

I feel like a mental patient.

Yeah, dude. I know.

You ain't gonna get it all right every day.

Put on the breaks, and quit letting the crazy drive!

>.<

Something to keep in mind is that she is basically in the habit of not telling the truth after having a SSL (secret second life) for so long. It will be hard work for her to become radically honest. Has she admitted this or does she not even acknowledge there is a problem with being honest?

Trickle truth is very dangerous to your R and makes huge LB$ withdrawals, I hope she understands this. Give your W time to answer questions and make sure she understands that she won't be punished for giving you the truth.

Just cant promise her I wont go nuts if I hear a truth I dont like. So, shes understandably gun shy about letting any more out.

If you want the truth, YES YOU CAN.

She should be able to feel safe in being honest with you, Mike. She WON'T be honest if she doesn't feel safe doing so!

Then you are just making the problem worse. If she tells you something that makes you angry, then excuse yourself from the room until you can get control. She needs to know that she can tell you the truth without threat of an AO or DJ. Period. Or she is going to continue to lie to you.

and I don't know if you answered my question. Has she admitted radical honesty is a problem?

It is helpful if you answer questions as much as possible. Someone asked you if you are continuing to snoop to verify NC which I was curious about myself and I don't know if I saw the answer to that.

I also asked you about a poly earlier. Have you given any thought to that?

Hi, Mike; my wife was just reading your thread and requested that I come kick your [censored].

First off:

This is a ridiculous bit of blame shifting. This is the same kind of logic a wayward spouse uses. You and you alone are responsible for your angry outbursts. People can and do learn to control their temper. Dr. Harley is one of them. Nobody can MAKE you lose your temper. That is a response you make yourself. You are not going to have a marriage worth saving if you do not eliminate this serious Love Buster.

Get ahold of yourself, buddy. Nobody blames you for feeling upset, but if you are not going to control yourself then you are dangerous for any woman to be around.

Working on all of what all of you have suggested. I swear. I guess I have a ways to go.

If it helps, I did just run out and got her a dozen roses and delivered them to where she works. Had someone bring them to her. Thats Love Bucket money in the right direction, isnt it?

Got her a birthday gift she likes. More LB money for me.

OK I lost a bunch of in the jewelry text and phone call tirades, this I know.

Im a work in progress.

Doing what, exactly?


Love Bank deposits are nice, but you will never be able to fill the account if withdrawals continue to be made. Over time your withdrawals will hurt her more and more and take out more love units from your account each time.

They have to stop. You cannot make your marriage work if they do not STOP. Not just cut them down to once a week or once a month or so. It needs to become a NEVER thing. Each angry outburst is a tragic and abusive mistake, and you need to view it this way, not just assure her that you are "working on it."

(Side note: I hope you are doing something to make love bank deposits besides just buying gifts. Surely she wants more out of marriage than gifts. Gifts are nice affection for SOME women, not all, and no woman wants gifts alone for affection, and affection is only one need and you need to work on meeting FIVE.)

Suggestion:

Tell your wife this:

"Honey, I am so sorry that I blew up at you. I was completely wrong to do that, and there is no excuse. No matter what, you do not deserve being attacked and punished like that. I am sick to be losing my temper like that, and I am going to get help to control my angry outbursts so you never have to experience this again."

Go do it. Consider it an assignment from the board.

(By the way, I just got done with anger management therapy this week. I can promise you that your marriage will not recover if you do not KNOCK IT OFF and take care of your temper problem, IMMEDIATELY.)

How quickly can you make progress? You have no time to lose, Mike.

Ok, so here's the ticket; STOP making an [censored] of yourself with the angry outbursts, and CONTINUE making the deposits.

The roses don't mean a thing if they are buried in manure.

Capice?

Didnt you read my email I sent her? Mea culpa. Byegones. Onward and upward.

Affection? Between absolute degrading her and grilling her and wanting to verbally rip her to shreads, the affection between us has been like 2 teenagers sneaking kisses and hugs and tush grab as much as possible. We havent kissed like this in many years. Like making out. Its fun. We take walks alone. Doing the program, man.

Shes on board. She hates what she became and what she did to me and our kids. We are filling our Love Bank at every turn. I had my mom take the kids tomorrow so we can have a romantic dinner (courtesy of OMs braclet, sorry couldnt help myself and we did have it planned before I knew about it) where will are going to keep the rekindleation of the thing. Recreational companionship. Love Bank deposit.

I know this cant be a situaiton of me blowing my stack and then offering a bauble to make it better. Markos and his wife will find me and beat me bad.

Well, you're going to have to yank up your boot straps and change that philosophy, post-haste. Here's what you're really saying: "I demand that you tell me the truth. If I don't like what I hear, I'm going to punish you severely for it."

When you tell a wayward that, what do you think they'll do? They will SHUT UP. Waywards are all about self-preservation. You've just slammed the openness & honesty door shut, squarely in her face.

Apologize to her for allowing your emotions to control you and calm down. I know that's an incredibly difficult task. You should have seen some of MY finer moments after D-Day. And they didn't help us a bit! They damaged the progress of our healing!

I am telling you this as someone who has been there - the truth may be horribly difficult to process. But you're going to need to if the two of you are going to heal. Ask for the truth. When you get it, thank her for her honesty.

Practice saying "thank you for your honesty" aloud until you're able to say it and mean it.

come on mike! she is going to tell you more that you dont want to know, listen thank her. then walk away and scream to yourself. vent here! from day one of you being here you are changing, keep it up. you are not a mental patient!

Listen, i am wearing a stupid halter monitor, because of the dreads i have, everyone has been there. Its how you deal with it that help defines how you move forward.

take your W out for her birthday, spend that money!!! dont go to the same old place, some where new.