Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 16 of 44 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 43 44
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
AEK1,

Three times per week for SF is not a surprise. Quite often, some hysterical bonding takes place for a period of time during the recovery from infidelity. A couple may make love many times per week, even a couple of times per day at times, as an instinctive way to reconnect and form an emotional bond with each other.

However, even if three times per week is your H's normal, look at it as a great opportunity for you to deposit love units in your husband's love bank. And it's pretty nice for you, too. The more I meet my H's need for SF, the more affectionate he is with me. It's a way to rebuild your romantic love for each other. Take joy in it.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
POJA honey, if thats too much for you then offer what you think you can manage, besides there are other ways, a HJ, a massage, a sexy striptease....be creative but POJA!

O&H too, talk to him, explain how you feel. He has a responsibility too.

Hugs


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
I should have asked....is SF mutually satisfying? We've been married a long while, and I had to learn what it took for my husband to please me. Then I had to share that information with him. We experiment, play, and enjoy. If I did not enjoy SF with my H, hmmm....well, we'd have to work on that, for sure. And perhaps it's something you two might consider.

Tanam has some great ideas to include in SF.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 68
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 68
My WW and the OM finally had a nasty "break-up" after 6 months of hell. They did break it off once, but it was done "gently" so the OM could work on his marriage. Then 2 months later after the OM had struggles with his marriage, he gave up and met up with my WW again. She told me she just had to see if it would work out. The next day he bailed and left to go be with his wife again (she wants nothing to do with him now). My wife hit rock bottom but is now trying to be nice to me. She said she still needs to work on herself because she's too stressed and depressed with the affair, loss of friends, and losing her job. She's leaving to see her cousin for 3 weeks ( I confirmed this). But I'm still not confident she's over the OM. How will I know?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Still, please post this on your own thread so AEK's doesn't get t/j'ed.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by AEK1
I think that's quite a lot

Have you always felt this way or is it something you are struggling with post A?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by AEK1
Yes I can see how hard it is to break habits as well as stick to them.
My WH wants sex 3 times a week; I think that's quite a lot but I am scared about what will happen if I don't meet these needs.

I felt this way too when I first found out how much SF my H needs, But once I started being open and honest about the kind of SF I like (and my H started doing those things) I started wanting it even more than him. wink

This is a time to have fun and be creative with each other. Don't be afraid to tell him what you really like, no matter how kinky or weird or boring it may seem. You may be surprised how much you can enjoy it.




Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
and besides he should be doing all the things to satisfy YOU, not him, after all, ladies first hunny!!

Make sure you talk about what you like, find out what he likes, it may be quite a surprise to him that you actually want to talk about it, especially if it's never been very high on the agenda.

Have a bath/shower together, all that slippy soap........

It's also important that he waits till you are 'ready'..... bit of lube is invaluable too!!



Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
A
AEK1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
How come nobody is replying? Where have you all gone? Things are so my h better....

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by AEK1
Yes I can see how hard it is to break habits as well as stick to them.
My WH wants sex 3 times a week; I think that's quite a lot but I am scared about what will happen if I don't meet these needs.

3 Times a week used to be a dream to me. However, part of that was driven by the fact that SF was one of the few needs I could depend on being met... However, the S was occurring without the F.

Why? Because FWW did not recognize it as an EN (her words). It was compartmentalized.

Early in recovery, I did a lot of searching for ways to build more intimacy in SF. Though I had seen it performed and read the book, I ended up watching The Vagina Monologues again. Particularly, "Because he liked to look at it."

The segment is on Youtube. That was my guide for one night, one moment which allowed, for once, my wife to see herself through my eyes. Since then, the F is fully present in SF, and it's not me keeping 3+ times a week going. In fact, I'm so satisfied with how things are, she reminds me if we go more than 2 days without; "There WILL be SF tonight!"

Just food for thought.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by pokerface
Originally Posted by AEK1
I think that's quite a lot

Have you always felt this way or is it something you are struggling with post A?

AEK1,

I hope that didn't sound sarcastic or insincere...but it was an honest question. Are mind games of the A holding you back? Is there something H is or is not doing that is holding you back? Are you feeling safe?

This is an important part of bonding with your H.

For me personally, just having DH do nice affectionate things like waiting for me to catch up so that he can hold my hand is a huge turn on.

What do you think is missing in your situation?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
A
AEK1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
Nothing missing but I just don't need sex 3 times a week... Is there something wrong with me?
He is trying really hard which is great. The A still bothers me. I get flashbacks although I know he is committed. I just don't want sex 3 times a week but this is his need. I am worried that if I don't meet this need I will loose him.


Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
A
AEK1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
I want to make love but then i think how bad he has been to me, how much he has lied and how he slept with my best friend... It's a bit of a turn off.... How do I keep focused forward? When will I feel more sexy? When we have sex it's good; I just don't want it as often as him?

Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by AEK1
I want to make love but then i think how bad he has been to me, how much he has lied and how he slept with my best friend... It's a bit of a turn off.... How do I keep focused forward? When will I feel more sexy? When we have sex it's good; I just don't want it as often as him?

Is he being affectionate towards you? You may need more affection from him in order to feel more sexual. Tell him what you need or would like to try.

The Memories of the A will continue for a long time. try to refocus your thoughts on something else when they pop into your mind. I usually picture a stop sign and then try to think of a good recent memory of my H.







Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Hi AEK1!!

I think 3 times a week is pretty much par for the course for a man. He should be making sure it is enjoyable for you as well. If he is meeting your needs, 3 times a week won't seem such a big deal. When you are in love it's natural. The goal of MB is for you to build romantic love in your marriage. As you do this, the bad memories fade and meeting needs is easier.

But you must remember this takes a lot of time - your feelings right now are to be expected.

Have you considered the online program to help you both rebuild romantic love?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
AEK1 if you don't keep posting, don't be asking why no one is giving you any attention OK!


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
A
AEK1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
Have considered flying to US as well as on line programme. Things are heading in the right direction. Your advice and help has bee
Invaluable. Count down til end of school year. Thank god.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
How did the Polygraph go?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
A
AEK1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
All clear.... Wouldn't still be with him otherwise.
The OW is still creeping in to my thoughts. I hate that.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549
Likes: 10
Originally Posted by AEK1
Have considered flying to US as well as on line programme.
AEK, the online programme replaced the "flying to US" programme.

I would have flown there too, but the face-to-face weekend seminar has been discontinued and replaced with online video presentations.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Page 16 of 44 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 43 44

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (TALKINGNONSENSE), 560 guests, and 61 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
ScreamArt, BibleBeliever, JhocelinDeschamp, Elysia007, coursefpx
71,915 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Question for those who have done coaching
by Blackhawk - 12/12/24 11:08 PM
Newbie here. Advice appreciated. MLC??
by Dynamiq - 12/06/24 05:02 PM
Separation
by BrainHurts - 11/27/24 08:59 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,916
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5