In Plan B the most important part is protecting YOURSELF from any drama in wayward-ville. That means that, as hard as it is going to be at first, you need to refrain from asking ANYTHING about your WH.

Being in Plan B, you are not going to follow up on the exposure, you just let the exposure has it's effect. Believe me, I totally understand how frustrating it is to sit around and KNOW that NO ONE has laid down the law with your WH. It makes me so angry and sometimes, I feel alone in the fight against the war against my WH's A.

One thing I do take out of it is knowing that when my sons grow, I have taught them right from wrong, and I am willing to back it up. They know that affairs are wrong and that they should not be tolerated. Last Sunday, my DS10 was at his cousin's bday party with my WH. I heard(although, I shouldn't have) that my DS10 was being chased by a girl who wanted to kiss him. He kept running away from her and when my SIL's OM said, "Oh, so you are two timing?" My DS10 looked him straight in the face and said, "No, I have no interest in her, I have a girlfriend." Proud moment for me, that's for sure.

Today I'm taking my boys to a picnic/birthday party and then later this afternoon my IM is going to deliver them to WH for his weekend visit (which we previously had agreed would be Sat eve - Tue morn so I could take them to this party). I'm kind of dreading the party because of some of the people who are going to be there. There will be a lot of people who don't really care asking "How are you?" because they're just fishing for gossip. A couple of them even are friends of my ex-friends who are the ones hanging out with and supporting WH and OW, so I know that anything I say or do will be reported back and I just want to stop all the drama. My plan is when anyone asks how I am to just say mildly, in the most innocuous way possible, "I'm well. How are you?" (I am 99% sure that those ex-friends & their kids will not be there, but if they are I'm just going to drop off the birthday present and leave. And then I'll take my kids to a park or something fun this afternoon to make up for missing the party, if that happens.)

This morning has been rough because I am missing my WH as the person who was my very best friend for 24 years. I know some of my friends do not have this kind of relationship with their spouses and they don't understand. Until 6 months ago, WH and I were each others' first choices for someone to spend the day with, so we were always together. (For instance, last night I finally told my aunt and uncle we were separated - no real details - and my uncle said "What the heck?! I thought you two had like the perfect marriage?!")

It's hard when he takes my boys for more than just a few hours, because he and they are the only things I care about int his world and he is taking all that away from me. I'm just feeling very lonely. And all alone.

I am sorry you are sad, Hyacinth. I know how awful this is for you. Please start thinking of ways to take your mind off this. Devote yourself to finding ways to fill your life without him. It will be hard at first, but if you really do a good job of keeping him out and focusing on you and your children, you will feel dramatically better in no time. Bring the body and the mind will follow.

I LIKE that you are thinking of this ahead of time and have a PLAN IN PLACE to avoid any uncomfortable situations. You are doing good to think ahead like this. This is the kind of strategic thinking that will help you feel better SOONER. You are doing VERY GOOD.

The thing is, I am usually pretty good at not thinking about him that way. I am always sooooooo busy and I have a ton of friends. I'm always super focused on my kids because they are the center of my world. I have a million hobbies and other things to do to fill my time. For some reason,though, this morning it's just really hit me. It's been a while since I've felt this bad with regards to losing him in that capacity. I just really miss the man he was.

It sucks.
It does.
You are doing remarkably well considering the mess.

Keep your chin up.

I felt the same way this morning, my WH has the boys and the house is very empty and alone. Good news is they will be back tomorrow, he did not want to keep them for the long weekend. I miss the person my husband was too.

You're doing great Hyacinth knowing you have a plan! If it were me (and I did this btw), go to that party and look the best you can! That way when you say you're doing well, you look as if you're doing well.

Plus even in a distant plan B, word gets out that the betrayed spouse "WAS LOOKIN GOOD" at the party to the ws..it does! You're not staying home, hiding from people, you're out there, actually enjoying yourself, KNOWING how to dodge a verbal bullet, and just being you.

That is important. do not dodge events because certain people might be there (unless it is ws and that would break a great plan B). People will always ask questions b/c people are nosy and get bored and want to focus on bad things happening to other people so they can have a break from their own bad crap in their life. So that's why. So go, hold your head high, and be attractive, and spend a few minutes there, or as long as you're able to have fun, and stay. Then deliver the present and leave.

You're doing great!

I understand.... we have not been together as long, but he was my best friend too.... until around Christmas when he started talking about "leaving".... I was so hurt and confused.... now I know it was the affair.... and yes it hurts when he is with the kids because it should be US with the kids.... so hard....

Yesterday evening, my IM took my boys to meet WH for their weekend visit (usually he just picks them up at daycare on Friday, but I kept them to go to a party yesterday). She said as soon as she pulled out of the driveway, DS5 told her "We're going to visit our dad because he promised to keep that bad lady away from us. I don't want him to be friends with that bad lady anymore."

She said she told him "Aw, Sweetie... you can tell him that, you know."

After "the drop," my IM, her H and I shared a bottle of wine and chatted for the rest of the evening. Now I'm off to meet my sister for dinner and to go to a concert. Keeping busy!

Hope everyone is having a great Memorial Day weekend.

Hope you are having a great evening!!

Apparently, the husbands of our group of friends met with WH one evening this past week and confronted him. The result? He fed them the same pack of lies and half truths he fed my BIL, claiming we both have been unhappy in our marriage for a long time, when the truth is it isn�t us and it isn�t our marriage, he�s just depressed and unhappy. Then he also said "And I'm not doing anything that's much worse than what she has done." One of the husbands told me this. He said WH didn't use the word affair but after WH said that, this guy said to him "You mean she had an affair?" and he said WH just looked at him and said nothing, allowing him to think that! So now all these guys apparently that out marriage was irretrievably broken. How is it that people can take what he says at face value without question, when he has been acting so unstable, destructive and erratic?

By the way, I was NOT following up on exposure. This guy volunteered this information, because he said he felt like he needed to tell me that I needed to move on with my life and plan for a future that doesn't include WH. I feel like I have no support now. I don�t think anyone � friends or family � want this to ever be fixed, they just want us to get divorced and move on so they don�t have to deal with it anymore.

I am physically ill.

That is great!! It really helps that your H was put in a position of having to answer for his affair. Not everyone will accept his fogbabble.

And just because these friends do not support your mission, Hyacinth, does not mean you are doing the wrong thing. You have plenty enough support on this board and from others. It is unrealistic to believe everyone knows anything about saving marriages and can understand your strategy.

I just feel really hopeless. I feel like everything keeps getting worse and worse.

Hy,

I would like for you to immediately call up these people and TELL THE TRUTH! He is having the affair not you! The nerve of the psycho waywards.

I have to add, you DO have more than enough support here, but imho, when my friends WANTED TO REALLY KNOW and I wanted them to confront my then xwh, I SHOWED them the proof.

Your wh may even be fed lies by the ow like you ARE cheating or something like that. Who knows. All I do know, is that my xwh DID accuse me of cheating after he left and of course he was the only one cheating. He sure was.

It's a last ditch effort to NORMALIZE AND JUSTIFY their affair when all else is failing.

So if it were me, I'd blow that lie out of the water. I'd call them, THANK THEM for standing up for me and confront the lies he told. He's trying to make people not want to get involved, like a wayward.

When they'er desperate, living with the ow and living in daily sin like that, I think that they become the most dangerous b/c daily they're being fed manure by the skankaholic, and they are also daily around a woman who is SCHEMING to destroy your family and what is left. They get worse when it's like that.

So stand tall with the truth and don't be afraid to re-expose to those friends so you can get that support from them too. He is vile to lie about you like that. Grrrr!

Just have a lovely day, confront with the truth, and then go on about a beautiful holiday. Do what the waywards hate, re-expose IF YOU HAVE TO!

It can be frustrating for sure.

Fact is, your WH can spin his versions of the marriage all he wants but the truth has to be skewed to justify betraying it.

You can hold your head up high and continue with your plan to give the marriage its best chance should the affair(s) ever end.

Maybe you can just consider the marriage on 'pause'.

You live your life, he lives his (blech) and you have no contact per plan B and have no hurry to add to the inferno of destruction of it further.

People who are not familiar with MB just have no clue of what the plan is all about and I, for one, don't feel like winning them over to understand since I have to conserve my own energy to live a drama free life.

I do clarify for whomever that "Things are not okay here. I am not participating in my marriage's further demise." When someone wants to talk about what I am doing or should do, etc. I won't normalize the cheating from my side.

(stepping off my box)

Stop! It is not getting worse. It was unrealistic to expect everyone to be your cheerleader, my friend. Our culture has been conditioned with "kick em to the curb." You can't expect everyone to support your cause because they don't have your education on how to save a marriage.

These friends talking to him made him squirm for sure. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

Great idea!!

In the furture, when someone says anything about your WH, put up your hand in a stop motion and tell them that you don't want to hear anything about him.

See, this is a form of contact. Now you are doubting yourself and feeling low. Plan B is supposed to protect you from these feelings. And besides, who gives a rat's azz what these people think? You do what you are doing because it is the right thing for you. I know what you mean when you say that you feel like you don't have people's support. I get that too. That's why I come here. Everyone here "gets" what I am doing and why and most agree with it. That's enough for me.

If the fact that you had an affair ever comes up again, you should set that straight. Just don't talk to people about your WH. It's a hard thing to get used to but once that happens, you will feel much better. It's a much better way to live. It doesn't mean that you have given up on your marriage or your WH, just that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Like Mel said too, BLOW THE LIE OUT OF THE WATER! When he lies, KNOW AND FEEL GOOD that the affair is HURTING AND IN TROUBLE. The more he protests and lies, the BETTER and CLOSER YOU ARE TO KILLING THAT AFFAIR!

Again, making trouble for the wayward and ow on every level you possibly can, even from a distance, is great!

It's great!

My xwh told people, "we just grew apart". That was the lie he told over and over and over again until he was blue in the face. He'd tell that lie with his wistress wife and new baby sitting in his lap too. He told an old neighbor of mine that lie, and YES they noticed, how convenient it was for our marriage to fall apart and for him to instantly inherit a new baby and wife. PEOPLE GET IT!

But I would re-expose all over and over again always. Even to this day, if somebody asks me why did I get a divorce I tell them, BECAUSE MY HUSBAND HAD TWO AFFAIRS AND GOT A WOMAN PREGNANT AND LIED AND SPENT AWAY ALL OUR MONEY.