Be aware that this is a classic tactic to justify giving you the boot. She will go to a few sessions with you, do nothing and then claim she "tried." In fact, if she tells the counselor she wants a divorce, you can probably count on the counselor BACKING HER UP. Then she can say that a counselor agrees with her plan to divorce you. Going to counseling with a wayward can be downright dangerous.

Good news and bad news.

Bad news is she is not bringing her computer home.
Good news is i canceled the internet on phone meaning she must use a home computer to chat with her friends.

Well, a keylogger on the all the home computers then.

Maybe she still has something going with this guy who has re-deployed already and they are corresponding via email. Or maybe not. You certainly will find out much more in the next couple of weeks.

I agree with the comments about counseling. In our case, I was the one getting us into counseling. Even though the counselor was good, it was still mostly a waste of time since my H was not actually committed to working on our marriage. He said he was committed, but he was by no means ready. He was one foggy mess for a long, long time. He talks about it now as "being lost" or being "so messed up".

Definitely read the book before she gets home!!!!

AM

Keyloger on computer reviled passwords. Got into chat history and she "i love you baby" "I miss you" this bed is so lonely without you" etc.

And while she saying this to him she is straight lying to my face.
"He's a friend who looks out for me"

Do i expose now? Or hold on and get more info?

unloved8,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's devastating.

Its painful, but you need to keep snooping. Don't tell her your sources and don't tell her about this board. Focus on gathering intel for a few days.

While you are working on that:

1. Create an exposure list
a. Friends
b. Relatives (both sides)
c. Ask the base Chaplin if he could talk to the them
d. Command addresses (last resort)
e. OMW (if there is one, she will be your best ally)

2. Get the name of a good attorney. He/she can advise you on the laws in your state.

Some of the vets will be here soon. Don't do anything at this moment. Wait till they come to help.

Cypress

For now...get some more and better intelligence. Perhaps try to use the information you do discover to come up with another way of busting and exposing her such that she won't suspect a keylogger. It would be nice to continue having this valuable resource for information.

Others more familiar will be by in the morning for strategic advice regarding exposure. You'll need to start thinking about developing a list of targets on both WW and OM's side of the equation. You'll need email addresses, phone numbers and/or addresses.

Don't tip your hand just yet until you have a cohesive plan and don't continue down the path of expecting honesty from your ww and hoping you can convince her to be honest. The wall of denial is steep....more evidence is need to surmount it. For example...though SHE knows she's having a physical affair she'll CLAIM the chat log you read was merely planted to teach you a lesson for snooping on her computer. She'll say she did it to trick you. Overwhelm them with the undeniable truth and go from there.

Also...this MAY BE your best shot to get the full truth about your life. Some betrayed husbands end up divorced without ever getting more than a few lines of chat. Sometimes you've got to get the truth when the gettin' is good.

Mr. Wondering

Wondering is one of the best, and one of a few that saved my rear end.

Just to add:

Eat
Sleep
Exercise
Socialize
Play it cool with the spouse
Don't jump to any decisions

I am not a vet by any stretch, but these things will help keep you on your feet.

UL8 - All I am going to say is I filed adultery charges against my WH who is/was (not sure still) having and affair with his colleague.

They are still deployed and coming home next month. It was my only way to bust up the affair since they were deployed together, and I had no idea how else to expose.

If you get the evidence she is having an affair I know the best way to expose is to her commander, and all the soldiers deployed with her. Find the OM's wife also. Copy all facebook friends now, and put them in a word document.

It is hard to expose and kill the affair while deployed. They are in fantasy world, and completely removed from all reality.

I pray to God everyday when they get home she will dump him when reality sets in. I spoke to several soldiers when I first discovered this affair and found out she did this while in IRAQ, and she is a complete skankyho. She looks and acts like a porn star, and my husband dropped all his boundaries.

Good luck!! Will keep following you - Tough~

Stay cool and get as much intell as possible. That is the one thing I still regret is I tipped my hand to soon and it just went underground because I didn't have all the facts needed to make them have a clean break.
It is too late for me but you found this site in time and the vets here know what they are talking about.

Unloved,

I am sorry this is happening. At this point, it is important to know what you are dealing with. So here is what you have so far.

You know that her affair is still on. She is corresponding with OM. Can you tell if they are making any plans? DO NOT let her travel out of town, especially with your children. Print out everything that you have so far. Can you tell if they are also speaking on the phone?

You know that her affair was a physical one. Does this change things for you? Something to think about?

You know that counseling is a waste of time. It will merely be an exercise to point out all the things that your wife thinks is wrong with you. And it will not address the real problem - she is having an affair with OM.

I can't recall how much you know about OM. You do know that he is in the reserves and is back from deployment. Is he married? Do you have contact information for his family?

Unloved, hang in there. Knowledge is the first step of any plan.

AM

Put a hidden GPS on her vehicle BEFORE exposure.

Here is were i sit.

OM is in Korea.
I have proof she loves him, sleeps in the same bed, she's hiding it from me obviously (just a friend line). She will not kiss me or anything because she does,'t want to betray him.
Pics of fancy hotel (need to snag off her camera) but don't know name, it was in Korea. It was payed for in cash but if i could find out name (i doubt it) i could see if it was 2 guest to the room.

I plan on filling charges, and against her and other man but have heard they are really iffy about it. I don't have a smoking gun. If i expose now i only have 20 some days before she goes right back. If i don't she just carries on business as usually. Can't get key-logger on her computer (it broke and she has forgine software, but do have access to passwords now and see what she tells him.

If i don't expose nothing will change. If i do i lose the one piece of access i have.

Don't know what to do.

(other option is to just keep compiling and biting lip in case of divorce

The military is definitely not 'iffy' about infidelity. They will get involved. You need to talk to the commanding officer of their units. They will not likely initiate an article 134 prosecution. That requires 3 elements of proof:

(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;

(2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and

(3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

The last one is the hardest to prove. If the affair caused the military member to be ineffective in their duties, like a very senior rank preying on a very junior person, then there is a chance.

But what the Commander will do right away is to counsel the member. In some cases, the counseling is accompanied by a legal order to desist in any adulterous affair. If it does not stop other administrative actions can be taken. Have a face to face meeting with the unit C.O. to get the ball rolling. Have the meeting tomorrow! he will need to time to get the orders written before deployment.

I spent 21 years as an officer in the Marines. I know they will get involved.

Do not tell her about your sources.

If they are both military a "no contact order" will be in place. My WH and OW have one now with his adultery charges. You will need to continue gathering evidence so if they do contact each other you can keep feeding it to the IG or who ever is handling the investigation. My WH's commander was the one I gave the evidence and he launched the investigation.

Let me know if you need any other advice. It is the best way to expose and bust up the affair. Be prepared she will be very angry.

My WH is still super pizzed, and the charges were in February. Until they are home from deployment I have no idea if the affair is over.

Cheers Tough

I know they aren't iffy about the affairs, but i have heard they are quite tough on the evidence.

I have them talking about sharing a bed, but nothing concrete about them being sexual. (I think it's obvious but don't know if it will hold up?)

Is it a good idea to expose with only 20 days to plan A before she goes back? I mean she canceled our follow-on orders and went to JAG to get a divorce, but i said something right and she decided not to file. (what she is telling me) I feel like to save the marriage (if i want to, IDK right now) i need to expose but with such a short time, her being so close to filing i think it would push her over the edge. And if she is going over that edge i want the upper hand (more evidence, which i will lose if access to if expose)

Unloved,

I am confused. OM is in Korea. How did WW get there? Is she also assigned there? Can you find out the hotel name and then you may be able to gather more evidence about how it was paid, who was there, etc?

I think it is time to expose what is going on. You have enough for a commander to open an investigation. Even if it does not result in punishment, an investigation will expose the affair to light and make it uncomfortable for both of them. I would file a written complaint with BOTH commanders - his and hers. I think you can say that you have evidence and not disclose how you know. I think you can do the same with your wife. When she asks, just tell her that you know what has been happening.

If they are staying at hotels, other people know about this. Think who might make likely witnesses. In my husband's case, there were a couple of people who asked him and OW if something was going on a few months before. Of course, they denied it.

Also, in my H's case (It was very unusual because he turned himself in to the command and swore an affidavit admitting his affair - less than one percent of people do this, but it was important to him to try to get back some integrity), he was not punished for violating good order and discipline, but he and OW were punished for the actual affair.

The other thing I have seen happen is someone punished for conducting an affair using government resources, phone and computer. If you have an indication that your W and OM have been using government phone or computers, include that in your complaint. That will give the command cause to look at work computers and telephone logs.

There were some threads on the military forum that included excerpts from the UCMJ about adultery. I am not sure if there are still there, but I will look and bump them if I find them. It would be worth reading.

Unloved, I understand how difficult this is. My H's affair was during deployment and it was three months for things to settle down even a little bit.

One other thing. The military's approach to affairs is very commander specific. Some commanders do little and others will really go after military involved in affairs. In my H's case, his commander was a two-star general and when we talked, he
told me that he had never had to deal with an affair of two subordinates. I think he had his head under a rock. It was a huge unit and H's OW's previous affair was with the previous two-star general.


AM

Is this the same OM that you discussed at the beginning of this thread? Or is this your w's second affair while deployed? Is this OM married?

Update:

I confronted and she owned up to PA. I have been gathering evidence, but she recently started new messenger account. Don't have password to that, don't think i can put key logger on her laptop (messes up trial version operating system).

She say's she don't love me. She will not fight for the kids and doesn't expect me to follow her to next base. Next sentence she talking about how our next home, have this, or how we should put our daughter in dance next year.

She refuses to end contact with this man. She got cough and don't care. Had friends and family try to talk sense into her, but she is so far gone into her fantasy.

Plan: Before she leaves to go back there, just after saying her goodbye to the kids i'm going to pull her aside and tell her, I don't respect her, as a wife, or as a mother, lay out that i'm done, and she can choose where she want's to go because we are not going with her. Lay out how this will not be some, back and forth on weekend situation but one where she will go a year without seeing the children. Let her chew on that for her 18 hour flight and she can

A: Call back relising how much she messed up and "jump through hoops" to attempt for me to take her back.
B: Run off to him, in which case i don't want her.
I want my marriage to work but i'm not going to sit her being a real father taking care of my kids while she's off playing house with another man.

Good idea? Bad idea?

Unloved,

I suggest nuclear exposure to the military - his command and her command. If he is married, expose to his wife. Do it TODAY... After you talk to her commander, his commander and his wife, tell her. Going back to her duty station will not have the same appeal as going back to her love shack. You may think you don't have enough evidence. Even if you don't have enough for a conviction under UCMJ (with some commands, it almost takes having sex on the parade ground during retreat to prove an affair), you have enough that the command will need to investigate. That will put an end to sharing the bed in Korea. It potentially could also lead to a no contact order between WW and OM.

She will not stop this on her own. And she will sit on the fence with you both as long as you let her. You can lay it out to her and she may feel bad (maybe not), but she is addicted to this OM and will not stop on her own. Help her by exposing the light of day where she works.

AM

She will not fight for us. She says she is done. She has been hurt by my inattentiveness for too long and has no feelings for me.

Crap part is EVERYONE thought we had the perfect marriage. Friends, family and me . I believed the lie.

Question now is do i set up shop here, or wait til she gets back and go with her to next base hoping there is some chance for us,( i still think this Korea has more to do with it, ) and or giving the children a chance to see mommy and daddy more often?

I just don't get it. Best friends who never fight, who have been through think and thin, doing what they thought the other one wanted finally have it out there. Finally have the chance to make right the mistakes they have made, and it is over