Yeah, but Life just gave her a crash-course in fire awareness with Smokey the Bear.

Mike, I also asked you about ADs and you never responded. Dr Harley recommends these for the BS if you are struggling. The AOs and DJs are harmful to your R. Have you considered this (ADs)?

Many BS's blindly trust before Dday and become awesome snoopers after Dday. Myself included. This is very common.

Mike, I also asked you about ADs and you never responded. Dr Harley recommends these for the BS if you are struggling. The AOs and DJs are harmful to your R. Have you considered this (ADs)? [/quote]

Youre kidding me with all this initials? what are you asking me?

AD anti depressants

BS betrayed spouse

AO angry outburst

DJ disrepsectful Judgements

R recovery

yes I know you were joking!!

Keep on keeping on hun, been following your story, so so like mine it's uncanny. You aren't married to a ginger are you cos you so could be OWH in so many ways!!

Yes I know you aren't, wrong continent.

Just taking an anti anxiety pill. Xanax like. My friend is encouraging me to step up the drug power for me to cope. Not really interesting in pharma.

Angry outburst, yes lotsa of them.

I know about how unuseful the AO and DJ are. I spent yesterday begging her to forgive me the 45 minutes the night before I spent unleashing them on her. I have a buddy who is FWH and he said he still get thems 2 years after d-day. He did tell me hes about ready to throw in the towel. They didnt fight as much when he was lying and they argue now that he telling the truth.

Adultery is bad stuff.

Bite your tongue, say nothing, breathe, take the anti D's but they do work better with talking therapy, they take 2 weeks to kick in and will take the rawness away so you can focus on what it is you actually want to do.

There really is nothing to be gained by kicking off. Smile, even when you wanna scream.

You asked if the drama surrounding your wife's withdrawal from her affair (with all the e-mails flying around) is unique. My answer is:

"Same (dung), different flies."

YOUR reactions, however, are outliers in the distribution of those among the BS's on this site, in that you evidently cannot, or refuse to, learn that giving in to your baser impulses (AO's, DJ's, etc) on virtually EVERY occasion do NOTHING except reinforce to your WW that her continuing to work toward recovery might be condemned to failure.

There comes a point when the BS has "made the sale" to the WS, that the WS's actions were hurtful, disgusting, etc, etc. After that, continuing to throw it in her face is just sadistic.

I want to see your next post say, "I felt the anger, resentment, and outrage within me growing, but just to show that SOB NeverGuessed that he's wrong, I controlled myself, went for a walk (drive, run, swim, workout) and got it out of my system in a way which would not cause me to have to apologize yet again to WW."

Can you do that? Just once?

STOP ANGRY OUTBURSTS IMMEDIATELY. Its abuse. Plan A is about you my brother. Its time to pay the bar tab.YOU have to become what you want her to be. You lead by example. You live by honesty and openness. You set Extraordinary Precautions up for yourself. You establish boundaries and affirm them to your WW.
Its coined the carrot and the stick. Im sure someone has the post handy. Get her eating the carrot while giving the stick is a balance.
Stop and Breath. Your under stress. But dont make decisions on emotion and compartmentalize the anger and resentment as best as you can and yes get stronger Meds if you need them. If you have killed the A and she is willing to compensate then quit wasting time on yesterday and start making plans for today. If you continue Angry Outbursts and DJ you are asking for a plan D. (D=Divorce) Believe me I know its ruff mentally to deal with. But if you really really want this keep your eyes on the prize and follow the plan WITH your wife. Start filling up her love bank at every opportunity being careful to make no withdrawals. Unless she violated No Contact rule then you need the stick. Affirming that you will not remain under contact conditions.
You need to send your "buddy" with the FWW to us :)Seriously he is in need also as he is headed to having a CWW = Currently wayward wife

Mike, you need to vent in another way. I told you my story - AO's are so destructive to healing! I could weep at the time I wasted and the damage I caused in our recovery, acting like a crazed wretch! It's not whether you're interested in pills or not - aren't you interested in getting the help you need??

NG-Your tough love is awesome. Im working on it. I am. I swear. Its not an everyday thing where I unload. But I know, it sets back recovery each time. If medicating or running is going to get me to stop hurting her and potentially derailing our recovery, Ill do it. I dont enjoy it. I freaking hate it. You'd think we do because it make the BS feel better. It didnt day 1 and didnt day 21 Sunday night.

I did tell I fear these AO are going to do more than just hurt her and ultimately could screw the pooch, as it were. But, like most, she understands and takes the hit like a man. Zero sum game.

[/quote]Mike, you need to vent in another way. I told you my story - AO's are so destructive to healing! I could weep at the time I wasted and the damage I caused in our recovery, acting like a crazed wretch! It's not whether you're interested in pills or not - aren't you interested in getting the help you need?? [/quote]

Yes. I want help. Just not more doctors. Im working on no more AOs. I know the time they waste.

Just sent him here today and encouraged him to login and get healed. He was the WS. She is the unable to get over it wife.

I'd get her here as well, Mike.

Actually Xanax is pretty instant but it just takes the edge off nervous anxiety. AD's like effexor and prozac take awhile to kick in but also take awhile to come back off them without withdrawls. (They are great for long term problems which most of the time this is long term recovery) Xanax is usually in addition to them for sudden attacks of anxiety
and anger.

(My whole family tree has been off and on AD's for pretty much my whole life is how I know so much about them)

Mike, you need to vent in another way. I told you my story - AO's are so destructive to healing! I could weep at the time I wasted and the damage I caused in our recovery, acting like a crazed wretch! It's not whether you're interested in pills or not - aren't you interested in getting the help you need?? [/quote]

Yes. I want help. Just not more doctors.[/quote]

It can usually be done without doctors and drugs.


How?

Have you read Dr. Harley's chapter on Angry Outbursts in Love Busters?


Yes, they do waste a lot of time.

Do you know the emotional harm they inflict?

Mike, this is an example of what Dr Harley says about ADs:

I just used almost daily vigorous exercise in early recovery and have read that it works just as well as ADs. If you are not an exerciser or if that isn't working to help you with your emotions, again, think about talking to your doctor.

Other than that, if you feel an angry outburst or other lovebuster coming on, until you are able to control them, please leave the room, etc, until you cool off.

I'm married to a ginger-nut. Is there a support group for that?

All solid stuff MikeSmile now go show her who you want to be XANAX really helps me. If I feel highly anxious I take one. In the last 2 weeks I only had 3-4 days I needed them. Usually 15 minutes later Im good. That anxiety is gone. If I feel Anger arise I try to walk away or stop the conversation for a few minutes.
FILL UP HER LOVE BANK. You have so much invested that its the right steps. Make your M rise as a phoenix from the ashes.(From DR Harley's quote on MB Radio disclaimer LOL) Let her earn your forgiveness. But become the better man, father and husband because its just the right person to be.