I even (this was actually accidental) re-exposed he and the wistress and THE AFFAIR to a CHURCH MINISTER after the vacation Bible school graduation program my son was in.

Funny story, but true sadly. I left work in my scrubs and barely had enough time to get to the church sanctuary nearby where my son had been attending VBS. I remember looking around the sanctuary to find a place out of the way as I just wanted to be alone there, with God, watching my son graduate as I'd been a new divorcee.

About one minute before the program began, in waltzed Darth and the wistress wife and her child. The wistress was dressed unusually for a church event, wearing sky high heels, daisy duke shorts, low cut scoop neck tank top, and dripping in gold and platinum jewelry and pearls. In fact, she looked SO out of place, the other women and moms in the church gasped when they looked at her.

Darth and his lazer focus found me and my hiding place in a nanosecond and he (I had been in plan B/D/FU for many months)walked over to me, with her and her baby and plopped down beside me on the pew. He sat in the middle with her on the other side. We looked like a bizarre "Big Love" situation. I immediately got up, scooted down the empty pew to be alone, and he followed. Finally I gave up, and I am sure the whole congregation had witnessed the hilarity of one woman standing up to move further down a pew and the skanky man and his skankyho with him following her.

So I sat and watched the program with tears welling up inside, but held them in.

After the program, my son came down to see me, and we were holding hands getting ready to walk out when Darth n the wistress found us. Right at that time, the minister of the church came walking out and saw us and stopped to greet us. He asked where we were members and what churches we went to. He asked Darth & the wistress if they were "the aunt and uncle" of my son? He said "No, I'm his dad." (my son was in kindergarten at the time). The minister then looked at the wistress and said, "So you're mom right?" She said, "um..no". I spoke up and said, "Yes I am mom and didn't he do well tonight?" The minister then got a VERY uncomfortable look on his face, looked at all of us and then said something like this, "Well I am so happy to see that somehow you all have worked this out and are friends now. You must have been divorced for a very long time. Is that your daughter too (he said to Darth looking at the 1.5 year old being held by the wistress). How old is she?" Darth replied she was a year and a half old.

Knowing my chance for a FACE TO FACE EXPOSURE and what an opportunity, I spoke up again. "Oh no Reverend X, we've only been divorced a year."

Then Darth, the wistress stomped away that very second leaving me with the Minister and my son. The minister then looked at me, sad kind of, but relieved, and said, "I understand everything. God deals with this you know, and while it hurts, they are running from the truth and sin."

So I expose every darn chance I get. Since I'd been in plan B/D/FU, I wanted that one face to face. To see if he could face what he did, and he could not. She could not.

I just love reading Peachy's stories.

Peachy, you so rock!!

Exposing again and trying to debunk his lies hasn't been going over well. I've basically gotten a lot of "Your marriage is clearly over. File for divorce and move on." Nobody wants to hear it. It is so hurtful to me that with as unstable, destructive and erratic he's acting, people would believe anything he says. He is trying to share the blame with me and that sickens me. All anyone seems to want is for this to be over so they don't have to deal with it anymore. Divorce just seems to be the easy answer for everyone. As if that will make all this just go away.

I haven't felt this low in a long time. Not having seen my kids in almost three days doesn't help. I've lost my husband and my best friend, and then when he takes my kids away from me, I have nothing left.

Ok, girl, you need to buck up here and drag yourself out of that kind of thinking. I know it seems like your darkest moment, but I PROMISE you it won't always be like this. You do have something. You have your children, your health and a bright future ahead of you.

What are you doing today? I would plan on doing something productive. Push yourself into it, H. Don't allow yourself to sit there and wallow in grief, my friend.

I'm working today, although probably not very productively. There are still seven days of school left. It's torture being here, but it wouldn't be any better at home.

All I ever wanted was to have a family and children and now I have to give them up every other weekend and it's not fair because I can't do anything about it. I feel like I am being robbed. Violated.

I have another problem. This coming weekend is DS5's preschool graduation. It's a big deal. They do a huge ceremony and performance and even have a sit-down dinner. It's one of the reasons why I chose this daycare/preschool in the first place. I had attended the graduation of a friend's daughter there and I loved it. I invited everyone I thought would come to a preschool graduation to go. Both my family and my MIL and one SIL are coming and also a bunch of close friends. They are coming as much to support me as to see DS5 "graduate." There are 9 adults and 3 kids in addition to me. When I turned in the RSVP and check (for the dinner), the teacher was so amazed and said �Wow! A LOT of people love DS5!� (What I was thinking was And they love me, too!)

I'm sure you all know what my problem is. I did not tell WH about the graduation, of course. I do not take care of him or do his thinking and planning for him anymore. But he knows about it. He knows it was one of the reasons I chose that daycare. There have been signs about it hung up at the center for months. The ex-friend couple's daughter is in DS5's preschool class and they will obviously be there and I'm sure they've also told him. I'm pretty sure I heard him asking DS5 about it on the phone last week.

This is killing me because I know to stay in dark Plan B, I should not go. I have been looking forward to this day for 5 years. I feel like I am going to be missing out on an important milestone and event. I don't think my friends and family are going to understand at all and will think I'm being selfish or petty and vindictive. They will think it is about him, not about what's best for my mental, emotional and physical well being. But the thought of seeing him makes me want to throw up. Honestly. I can't even eat I'm so nauseated. Initially I thought if I surrounded myself with friends and family I could do it, but in the state of mind I have been in the last few days I don't know if I can. I'm worried I would completely fall apart, if not right there, then afterwards. And I also don't think I should go, anyway, with the chance of WH being there and me being in Plan B. But the thought of skipping it and sitting home alone while everyone is there without me makes me sick, too. I worry about how it will seem to DS5 who is already having issues about all of this; he's so clingy, insecure and scared of being abandoned. It isn't fair to him. I feel like I'm putting myself first over my child. I'm worried that because it will look like that, that I will lose the support of my family and friends in this. And I feel like this is just one more important thing WH is taking from me! I am between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

Can I have my IM ask WH if he's going to be there? I am 99.9% sure he is, but I guess there's an outside chance he was planning to do the cut-off-his-nose-to-spite-his-face thing again and not go so that he could tell people I didn't tell him about it to make me look like a b-tch.

I don't know how to deal with this and it's just one more thing I am sick over.

Go to the milestone events in your child's life.
Take a posse to surround you.
If you "completely fall apart" your posse will have your back.

You'd be crying anyway, even if you were not in Plan B.
We Mom's do tend to get weepy and emotional at all levels of our kid's matriculations.

PS: and get a front row seat and do not look back.

Well.
You do need to put yourself first.
That is the cool thing about plan B.

When you are strong, the kids are.

Maybe your physician can give you medication for just the day to deal with the anxiety.

It isn't high school or college graduation. It isn't a wedding or funeral. I know its a big deal but you have to find ways to handle things like this. You have three choices:

don't go
go but hope he respects the importance of it to you (maybe he will, maybe he won't)
go but deal with his presence but do not lovebust or engage in banter or be near him

Plan B is for your protection. You know that. Protect yourself AND do not engage in lovebusting/interaction that shoots you in the foot.

Of course, normal Plan B advice would be to not attend.

If I decided to go, I would have exit plans. Plans like, having people surround me, and not being anywhere near WH. Not even looking at him. That if it became too overwhelming for me, I would have an out. That someone else would be responsible for getting DS5 home, so if I needed to make a quick exit, I would be able to with no worries.

I wouldn't contact your IM about this. You didn't tell him about it and you can't control what he is doing. Also, it would be a lot of back and forth again, and it would only drag it out.

Just make some plans and then let the day happen

Also, I would make sure that I told DS5 that someone else was going to bring him home, maybe even make it a fun thing, so that way he wouldn't be worried about you and what is going on.

(((hyacinth)))

I totally understand.... just try to remember this is a dark time but it won't always be dark, either way. Good times are ahead.

You answered your own question, IMO.

Who has reason to be ashamed here? Who did something wrong? Who has reason to hide?

Go and, like others suggested, sit in the front and take some people/supporters with you.

No way in hell would I let him take this from you and your son. It's not fun, but everyone can stand on their head for a little while sometimes. You'll feel better/stronger knowing that you stood up and did the right thing for you and your son.

Love it, peachy!

I found out that WH is for sure coming to preschool graduation. He RSVP'd with that couple who I consider ex-friends (the wife promoted the affair; OW is her best friend). I asked the teacher who is organizing the graduation and she said she already did the best she could and put my two tables on one side of the room and the table WH will be at (with that couple) on the other side, as far away as possible, but seeing that it's a small room and there are only eight round wedding-sized tables, that's really not that far apart. I'm going to try to pick a seat which will allow me to sit with my back to the rest of the room and still see the stage.

I decided to go, but with a plan. My father and stepmother will be there (along with everyone else I invited) and we arranged that if I feel like I'm going to fall apart, I will give my dad the keys to my car (which has the car seats) and take his keys to his car and leave. I'm taking my camera and video camera so I won't "miss" anything if that happens, because someone can capture it all.

I'm still sort of a wreck thinking about this, because WH is almost the last person on the planet I want to see right now. (OW is the last.) I'm also not sure if OW is coming. On one hand, he did promise not to expose the kids to his affair, but on the other hand she might just come with her "friends" who are conveniently his friends, too. Everyone involved on that side has track record of making poor choices. I can't begin to predict what will happen.

Oh hunny. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Plan it all out. When you get there, exchange the keys before you even go into the building. If you don't need to leave, you can exchange them back at the end. Have someone else taping and taking pictures for you.

What will you do if OW is there? I will tell you that you should definitely NOT have any communication with her. And if she is in your sight lines, look through her. She means NOTHING. Don't look at her with disdain, she doesn't exist.

You ARE going to be effected by this. You WILL have a crash. Prepare for it. Will you have some support after? Can someone else take the kids for the night?

If you really think that you can't do it, it's okay to back out. If you can do it, don't think that this is a prelude to being able to go to other things, or breaking Plan B by communicating. Contact WILL effects you.

Take care.

I definitely am not planning on having ANY communication with OW if she is there. No problem with that. There is no point in engaging her ever. I will always ignore her, no matter what she says or does in my presence. I know from experience that insecure, trashy people HATE that and will become more and more enraged if you quietly ignore them when they try to engage you, and you look very sane and they look very crazy as a result.

I'm going to try to get there early and be seated at our table before anyone gets there, to avoid actually "running into" anyone on the way in. I don't think this will happen, but what should I do if WH says hello? I assume he will ignore me because, by the way he is acting, he thinks that the way I am acting is about being vindictive and punishing him. But on the off chance he does say hi, should I say a simple hi and leave it at that? Or totally ignore him? (That seems like it could be seen as rude and like it might be a LB, but I don't know. Does saying hi if he says hi first meet an EN?)

Also, what should I do if either member of the ex-friends couple greets me or approaches me? In the two full months exactly as of today that WH has been involved with OW, they attempted to make contact once, exactly two weeks ago today. The husband sent me a text message saying "Hey girl... [Friend of mine] called here the other night. Said you were super upset about some stuff. Do you think we could talk at some point this evening?" The friend of mine had called and chewed out the wife after the Facebook picture of WH, OW and that couple was posted. It was mainly because they go to the same church and she is ashamed of them and what they are doing, supporting WH and OW. At no point did she say I was upset, but they know she is a friend of mine. Anyway, I totally ignored the text message and have heard nothing since (although the wife unfriended and blocked me and all my close friends on FB. Which proves my point that she is involved in setting this up and supports it). So, what should I do if either the wife or husband of that ex-friends couple greets me or approaches me? The wife is really trashy and loud and is the kind of person who would make a scene at a preschool graduation. She knows she looks bad because of her behavior and could try "the best defense is a good offense" strategy by attacking me for ignoring them. Probably not, but you never know. I was thinking if they say anything to me, even if it is just a simple hello, I would just quietly and politely say simply "Please leave me alone." I'm actually worried that they will approach me while I am seated at my table, so I can't really get away, although she probably won't because I will have so much support there. I still want to be prepared for anything and everything.

If your WH says, "Hi" I would suggest that you actually would just smile and look away. Don't engage. He most likely won't do anything, since getting into it with you will actually expose him more.

Now, as far as these ex-friends, if they approach you, take the time to say something like, "I always enjoyed fishing." Ignore them and walk away. The only reason they would be talking to you would be to fish for something to tell WH and OW. See, that's why it would be best to simply smile at WH, and not talk to them. That way, they won't have much to tell OW. If OW isn't there, she will definitely be expecting a blow by blow about the encounter.

I hope that they all stay clear.

Make sure you dress nicely and smile as often as you can.

Again, if you feel uncomfortable at any time, get the heck outta there. It's not worth it.

The other wild card at play here is that I invited WH's sisters and mother. One of his older sisters is definitely coming and MIL probably if she is on town by then (I haven't heard anything from her since I last confronted her about confronting WH). I invited them and RSVP'd for them as part of my group. I paid for their dinners. I don't know what impact their being there will have on anything. I assume they have told WH they are coming. That is one of the reasons I think he will not bring OW. But again, his behavior is so unpredictable and selfish, you never know...

I'd definitely get there at the same time WITH two other people, at least. His approaching you if you're with a group will be harder to do. If he does, don't look at him and keep an animated conversation up with the others. Tell your companions in advance that this is your plan, so that they can bump up the conversations. With no one speaking to him, he'll feel like a dumbas* just standing there and will walk away.


Say nothing. Who cares if it's a LB, isn't his affair an LB to you? Say nothing, don't give him anything that even remotely resembles an EN.


Do the same as you would with your husband. Ignore them and keep talking to those at your table. Again, let the others know in advance to be on the lookout and that they should be suddenly interested in talking a lot if one of these people approach.



Don't waste your breath. Ignoring them, with no eye contact and with them standing there will send the message. I seriously doubt they'll make a scene.

Just keep people around you at all times, don't let yourself be available for a conversation with any of them and you'll be fine.