I hear what you're saying and concur. However, just one question: How accessible was HE when he was fogged out and playing around? Could SHE reach HIM at all moments???

Why - I am curious of your thoughts here?

That is what I am saying. He probably wasn't. And she won't be accessible all the time, but her IM can help her with that. Not having a number that the other parent knows or an address the other parent knows will not look good to the judge. And we have to always give that IMPRESSION to the judges.

My lawyers made me look like Mother Teresa. But we had a reason for everything we would do, and a way to handle things. And any even slight or minor infraction in keeping our agreement, would go as a note into my "wf" wayward file on my computer. It was quite instrumental in me getting full custody and beating initially, a guy who had 10x more $ than I did. I had facts. And I made sure I seemed to always (to the judge only) play by the complete rules.

You simply have to make the IMPRESSION to the judge that you are the best coparent ever!

Look, I am a bit jaded on this kind of subject right now, b/c a good friend of mine (her son is a friend of my son) who is happily re-married with a horrid wayward xh. She ended up taking him to court for non payment of cs for over a year. HE (the vile x wayward) ended up getting MORE custody because he showed some half way proof that she was not making her son accessible to her x, and he had to actually pay her MORE cs, but she lost some custody time. Her son has to go for a month to stay with him beginning on wed (my friend has been crying
her eyes out) and now every other weekend. For a measley $150 a month more than he was supposed to be paying her, but of course didn't.

Some judges think that maybe sometimes guys get a raw deal and unless the sheer vileness of the wayward is in full play of the courtroom, they might go soft on the wayward. So, APPEAR to play nice.

OK So my plan is I leave all numbers the same and set a time when WH can call kids. I then say that if he needs to contact me or them at any other time it has to go through IM. The kids are able to contact him so if they want to speak to him there are still lines of communication, it just means I don't have to hear his voice.
Does this sound OK.

Yes, but you must not let your guard down Albi. Just remember that. At other times, when it is not his appointed time, you can let it go to vm or to a text (don't answer). Just forward text to IM or call IM and have her access your messages.

Make sure IM SAVES ALL MESSAGES for many of them might be very VALUABLE in court. In fact, my lawyer ended our first hearing with a now famous quote from my crazy wayward ex. My x wrote this to me in a 3 am or so drunken email he sent (geez you should never drink and text or email) saying, "Don't you get it Peach? I have lived like a ROCK STAR and loved every minute of it!".

So those little inane and stupid very wayward statements he might say or write can and should be used against him/them whenever applicable!

Here is my plan B letter. I have used a lot of the one from SAA. Please read and make comment. I have not sent it yet.

Dear WH
I apologise for my part in creating an environment which made your affair with OW possible. I took our relationship for granted and did not provide the affection you required to feel loved and needed. I am willing to avoid the mistakes we have made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs.
I understand that we have been living beyond our means and now have some financial difficulties. Obviously you felt you were not able to talk to me about this and if I was unapproachable I apologise. I can tell you now that you could have told me anything and I would not have been mad or even disappointed in you, my love does not depend on money. The children and I would have been quite happy living in a shoebox if it meant keeping our happy family together.
I now need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. While you are away you can contact the children via bump and skype at any time or you may call the house early on a Saturday or Sunday morning. When you return to Cairns I will work out a time you can see the children depending on both of our commitments. If you need to communicate about the children or any other matter please do so through dad while he is here and then through IM.
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot communicate with you any longer. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot talk to you or help you as long as you are behaving this way.
Love
Albi

I'd simplify it and make sure you don't accept responsibility for his affair in any way.

My WH rang the house again today to day he was back in Australia. Luckily I was not home and my father answered the phone.
So much for respecting my wishes.

I have sent the plan B letter. I also applied for child support today which means the agency will contact him in the next couple of days, can't wait to hear response. His pay went into our joint account as usual and then was transferred out the next day. Looks like he has set up his own account.
Man! this is so hard and I have only officially been in plan B for a day. Just knowing that I can't contact him makes me want to talk to him more than ever. Unfortunately the man I want to talk to doesn't exist at the moment. I really hope he will become him again, instead of the weird alien he seems like at the moment.

Albi,

Did you follow the plan B letter formula to a T? Did you state in the letter you sent HOW and WHAT the conditions are for him to return?

Please please say you did not send it and have all the self blame in the letter. Kaytscampter is right about that, but I will add too her thoughts that sometimes (my xwh did this) if you CLAIM ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MARRIAGE FAILURES (like not meeting a need etc) they will try to blame the whole affair ON YOU or worse, try to bring it into a legal proceeding saying , "See your honor? She admits it in writing that she caused our marriage to fail". YOU DO NOT WANT THAT.

In the letter is there a path to coming home? Is there conditions, and specific conditions like he must stop and break it off and go nc with the ow for LIFE.

Just being honest here. If you have a deeply entrenched spouse in a horribly destructive affair and they are very very wayward, you have to follow MB plans to a T, be as FIRM and harsh in dealing with them as you can, and give them zero wiggle room to spin and blame. You are in a precarious position Albi.

Your wh ruined the family finances. You did not. Please don't accept blame in that letter on that part too.

I tried to follow the plan B letter. I don't think I did give very clear instructions as to how he can return.
Do I send another letter explaining this more clearly or do I leave it as is??

leave it as is, let him live his life missing you and the life he had.......he knows what it will take.......
in the meantime keep yourself busy and work on being the best you....
jessi

N.O.


AS IS.

Leave it as it is, but in the future NEVER ASSUME ANY BLAME FOR THE MARRIAGE FAILING. You didn't cause it. THE AFFAIR DID.

Never do that. And go dark, very very dark Albi.

Never give an inch to a wayward ever. Not until they're a FORMERLY wayward spouse!

Thanks everyone.

You give me strength.

If and when he has questions about his new life situation (that he brought on), he can ask them via your IM. Your IM can then parrot what you left out on the plan B letter but mainly only the terms and conditions of what will be required from him to return home. Take the info for that (if he asks) from the MB example letter only. No more apologies to him for a darn thing!

I need to settle things like child visitation and his stuff in the house. My psychologist suggests writing an email that states what times he can see the children and lets him know that he can pick his stuff which I have packed up for him from the garage at a certain time when I am not home. I don't know if writing this email means breaking plan B and if it does how else do I let him know these things?

Through your IM. Don't break Plan B.

A big weekend for me this weekend. WH is back in town. I organised kids visit through IM. I have been strong and not had any contact. I have explained to the kids that mummy can't see daddy at the moment because it makes her too upset. They are allowed to see daddy and not feel bad about it. They seem very understanding.
Now I am just keeping myself busy to make it through the rest of the weekend.