CV-Thank you. I swore i wouldnt post because of the negativity Im reading and obviously these people speak from experinece. Just not my experience. You have been my rock and my source of strength on this blog to go forward and work with my wife and make us whole again.

I respect the warnings but like everyone else's my situation is different. Not going to say why as I have ad nauseaum since I logged on.

Im really hoping for the best and made commitments to be the best. SO DID SHE. I will however be wary and will defend myself as best as I can. And your words have given me the ability to hang in there.

MikeSmile,

I just wanted to offer support throughout your journey, it's a tough road, I still have days when I want to quit, but the fighter in me always kicks in.......
The bottom line for me was I loved my husband and after 27 years it was worth at least a fight, and one other thing I wasn't going to let some BIMBO my husband knew for 3 months destroy my life and family, she underestimated me, that inspired me like nothing else...............NO WAY IN HELL WAS THE AFFAIR GOING TO WIN AND TAKE MY LIFE. I told myself I would fight until the D papers were signed.
I now have a great husband who has truly changed HIS ways, he now says that I saved him.............
jessi

Keep hanging in there! Remember, What we are posting has been the *common* experience. We all share common traits by virtue of being human, but we are all wired slightly different, which is what makes us unique. The common experience is that usually a contact like that does trigger the FWW, but it doesn't necessarily in all cases. There is really only one absolute in dealing with relational issues, and that is we absolutely must take into account the differences in how we approach things and people. We found MB late. I was almost three years into recovery (our 3yr anniversary for DDay falls on Father's day this year. )What would have been best for us? In retrospect, probably for me to have been on the list. For my wife? Not to be on the list. Why? Because she needed a much more tender touch than is *sometimes* afforded on the list for WSs.

That doesn't mean that the approach here is always wrong, or even wrong most of the time, she is just wired different. I am perhaps more sensitive to it than some others. A perceived harsh tone for her had triggered her for years because of her past life experiences. She had to learn proper coping mechanisms.

All that said, even when people here are perceived as *harsh* or rough when they give the 2x4's, know that they do it because they care for your marriage and for you and your wife. They are here because they don't want to see you fail. That is a very admirable thing. In fact, most people in my experience would simply get advice, fix themselves and go on with their own life. The folks here are different. They want to share how MB has helped them. No plan is perfect, but some are better than others, and MB has been the best (and we literally have looked at dozens) we have found.


All that said, mike, Stick around brother. Ever read the Tao of Jeet Kune Do written by Bruce Lee? He had a saying in there... Absorb what is useful... discard the rest, realize that what may not be useful now, you may find to be useful later.

CV

Mike,

Awhile back you wrote, her husband actually used to defend ME to my FWW.

I believe from what was written about OM that he actually would have said something like that, OM would say anything to make himself look good and keep your W addicted to himself. This OM is a master manipulator for whom the good opinion of others is just an extension of his narcissism.

This OM is also self-deluded enough to believe that at some time in the future all will be forgiven and everyone will be friends again, he will never get it.

God Bless
Gamma

MikeSmile. The true usefulness of this board is the experience and to let you vent to us and not her. Tho we haven't walked directly in your shoes we have walked in shoes just like yours. We see things you dont sometimes. But I can assure you most people that have responded here are SUPER PRO M. I personally believe there should be such strict criminal laws on Infidelity that it would make a person think about it way more. Our society breads broken family's and its tragic.
I get that you want to make your M work. Now lets roll up our sleeves and get to work. That is exactly what it will take. As long as her sleeves are rolled up too
SSA is a great guideline follow it to the letter. EN's have to be understood to be met. I dont "need" to talk to vent emotionally but most women do. YOU need to become an expert at meeting your wifes EN's. And she needs to do the same. Love busters need to be identified and done away with. Learn and practice both policy's of Joint Agreement and of Radical Honesty.
Its a tough battle my man. Im there. This is and should be a life changing event. Happiness are for those that are willing to do the work for life. Its a marathon not a race. So set small goals and accomplish one at a time.

Sorry if you feel people are being negative, but this is one of the biggest mistakes that you can make when trying to recover, thinking that your situation is different and that all the rules don't apply to you. I can't tell you how many posters have argued only to come back later and say "you were right". In fact, I believe you have already done that at least once on this thread.

No one would be doing you any favors by just patting you on the back and not pointing out mistakes they see being made.

If you truly feel you can veer from the "narrow path" of recovery that Dr Harley describes, I strongly urge you to call/email into his radio show and get his professional opinion.

SAA and His Needs, Her Needs came today. Read 40 pages, looking good. I thought about this for a couple of days and I decided since everyone's A is unique Id show you the email we got from OM. This came to my FWW email after OMW sent me an email demanding I speak to her and threatening to mass email everyone about it. And, it came after I spoke with OMW about us having no futher contact like our spouses and gave her as much MB technique I could muster. She wanted me to know my wife is not the innocent victim my FWW is portraying and needed to tell me some specifics (of which I knew them already and I was telling more things OM had yet to disclose to her). I sent OMW an email the following morning as she is distraught and I felt since we are linked forever by this thing and I have some of your help working for me Id try to give her more courage to get all the truth she needs and to move on. We had about a dozen back and forth emails where I held the high road and accuse neither OM nor my FWW of anything, just was preaching to look to the future with an eye on the past. Then I told her the emails are to end and wont be responding and that my FWW is reading each one with me. FWW got this in her email just afterwards. I editted as appropriate for the blog:


"I know you're going to show this to Michael so even though I'm sending it to you I'm writing it to both. I just saw (my wife's) last email to Michael and need to write something myself since those were not my words. These are...I'm truly sorry for my actions that brought all of this on. It was stupid and very
selfish. I hope that one day you can look past it and see that there is and was goodness in me. (My FWW), I did truly care about you. I wish you both nothing but the best and do hope that Michael's professional life brings him much success.
He deserves it. I will continue to miss (my kids) very much. I have no doubt that both of them will grow into great teenagers and adults, and its going to kill me that I can't be a part of their accomplishments. - OM"


So, OM called FWW for his closure 3 days after dday where according to my FWW she told him to F-off (in fact, FWW changed all of our phone numbers as soon as she got home) and my FWW made the mistake of trying to track his wife thru him (with me right there) the day of the threatening emails and thats been the all contact. She regretting doing it as we now know its forbidden.

Is my situation a bit unique? Maybe?

Still working to erase this thing from my every thought.

No, Mike, I'm sorry, but this is a typical affair.

Your wayward wife needs to change her email to ensure that she receives no further contact from OM.

I was referring to the email from OM. I have access to her email account and I check all the time. I check her cell phone all the time. If this a typical situation, Im OK with that. Just keeping you guys up on my deal.

Ohhhhhh Mike. Please heed the advice you're getting.

There is NOTHING unique here.

What have I done thats not heeding the advice? Ive done all to keep them from contacting each other. Ive gotten all the details I need to know what went on. Ive made committments as did my FWW to stay with each and I have accepted her apology and we are down the path. Its less than a month old this thing and I just got the books.

Give me a break. As soon as I get a good feeling that I can do this and Im not in a crappy mood someone makes a crack like this and Im thinking what did I do? Am I screwing up the process?

OK, FWW dialing the OM to get his neurotic wife to pick up the phone was less than ideal, I told her never to dial it again. She did it IN FRONT OF ME.

Im being told by a friend in the know to join a support group, if Im going to get abused when I really think Im following the plan as close as I can, then no thanks to that. This is anonymous and youre killing me.

Then how did this contact from OM happen?



Again, Mike. She needs to change her email address.

Mike this OM letter doesn't sound all that different than what we have seen b4. Hes such a great guy. Now lets all drag him out to the woodshed for a great guy party.
Your doing great man dont be defensive. I am certainly not here to hurt you and I want to help if I can.
Your doing great so tell us whats next for you? SSA is the guide.
How are you holding up with the Anger and resentment?

Aside from what mb points out, changing all of the ways that OM can contact your W, I also advised you to keep in contact with OMW and not share those emails with your W. OMW needs to know she can come to you if there is any whiff of any further contact without your W knowing about it.

ITA. OMW knows she's talking to both you and your WW when she emails, and she tailors her emails accordingly. This will serve no one.

OK. Gotcha. She'll have a new emails and I will contact OMW down the road.

Anger and resentment are up and down. Two nights ago I crushed her. Last night a little bit. I guess because the kids are asleep, but nighttime is for battling I guess. And since she's taking sleeping meds is like fighting yourself.

Just tell me what ITA is. You use it often and dont get that one.

Truthfully, regarding whiffing anything, my FWW spent 2 years watching OMW kid and having an affair with her husband in that home, she couldnt smell a blazing wildfire if her butt was on fire.

I Totally Agree.