CV - perhaps there should be!

Guess I am just biased, can't think why :p

This all sounds very typical, not an expert, but have been reading a lot of stories these days...

Ginger-sminger (I'm one and not challenging in the least).

NG-Your tough love is awesome. Im working on it. I am. I swear. Its not an everyday thing where I unload. But I know, it sets back recovery each time. If medicating or running is going to get me to stop hurting her and potentially derailing our recovery, Ill do it. I dont enjoy it. I freaking hate it. You'd think we do because it make the BS feel better. It didnt day 1 and didnt day 21 Sunday night.

That bit of knowledge is a great start, MS. But given the way the brain works, turn it into a positive action/incentive pair, something like:

"If I walk away without lashing out, I will feel beter about my situation tomorrow." Repeat that until it's part of your being.

You've got dozens of "fans" out here, pulling for you to win this.

Mike: quick input...you have the BEST advice going, and when you read Never Guessed? Read and re-read along with everything else you learn. Take it all in as you'll find that the common denomitator (sp?) is the same.

You're doing great. It's hard, but don't confuse caring with judgment. We care. A lot. 2 x 4s are given with maajor care.

Smiles to you!

NG is awesome!!

Oy, geez. Next thing you know he's going to be running for president!

And I might even vote for him.

NG for President!!!! (as long as he's not a ginger)

(Mike, sorry for hijacking your thread bro!)

Thank you, kind supporters, but I think I'd prefer to devote my time to this site than to being President.
It seems that politicos tend towards being WS's, anyways.

(Besides, I'm MARRIED to a ginger, like you, CV, which is probably more an indicator of serious character flaws than BEING one is.)

Last night on the little league field I should be having fun watching the kid play and I was there but not. I was an empty shell. It normally would a time when Im loud and enjoying my self. But no. I felt sadness so I took a little walk and did some breathing stuff, but brutally sad. Being happy again seems so distant to me. Like Ill never get there again. My wife is making plans with friends for come over for bbqs and Im like how do I fake it? And, since I am vowing not to AO any further and do some cool down options, am I getting little satisfaction that she is watching me have my "sadness stroll" during the game? Im not lashing out, but Im still showing her I very upset. Its not an AO, but I feel this passive aggressive thing that is probably almost as bad as an AO is in effectiveness.

I know NG and others will say the "sadness stroll" is another way to hurt her and derail the recovery. Im just so sad. Im managing my madness as best as possible but the sad is hard to manage.

sadness stroll - love that- doing the same today. rollercoaster...

is that AO like?? would like to know also??

And now that we've changed phone numbers, her email address and nearly everything but our home address, people are asking why all these changes? Factor in my general malaise I cant help but be in, which is contrary to my normal personality, I fear that someone will figure this out now the FWW is not working for him anymore and other things that are not the normal to us. And, as I told FWW, once this gets out in our community, we have to move. Im not going stay in a town where its known my childrens mother did what she did. Not fair to them to have to live with this.

I don't think a sadness stroll is an AO unless of course you are making it obvious, otherwise it's just taking yourself off for a bit. Much better than an AO.

In my own experience Mike, the sadness is the main emotion I was/am left with. Just sadness that everything is now different, you lost people you thought were friends and life is changed, including your own view of it.

The hurt does die down to a dull roar, but then I lived with the Just good friends bit, while never fully believing it for 5 years so although the last DDay hurt, it was also a resolution. So maybe it just takes time and I am further along the path than you.

It's never fair on the kids, but maybe moving would be good too, a fresh start, new memories and less triggers.

Today I am being Pollyanna!!

Mike,
Just finished reading a nifty little book. It's called "Christians Get Depressed Too". It brought up some great points. it noted that anger is often related to control issues, but also it is related to depression. Often it can be the outward manifestation of depressive feelings and thoughts. True, sometimes you have to put on a game face, but sometimes you just have to take those walks. I think it's ok to show her you are upset as long as you're not having AO's. Trust me, she may not tell you, but she notices.

My W and I just reflected on this the other day. I am finding out that she noticed every time I was barely holding it together. I remember feeling like every good thing I enjoyed was stolen from me and that I'd never be able to enjoy things again... I felt like I was living that Linda Ronstadt song:

I've been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I be loved

I've been pushed down
I've been pushed 'round
When will I be loved

What i found though, Mike is that it is a passing feeling. As we stay the course and work on our marriage and our spouse works along side us, we begin to have a change in our worldview. You know what i mean by worldview, right? That network of thoughts and beliefs that shape the way we view the world around us? It's shattered with the discovery of affairs. It takes time to rebuild it, the threads of it have come apart. As we begin working on restoring our M's we reweave it tighter than before. As this begins happening, we find that the joy to life slowly begins returning.

It will return Mike. It will take time. You've just been shot with a 12 gauge at point blank range and that takes some time to heal. You will find that as you are working the MB principles, the easier they will become, and you will realize "hey, did I just have a good time?"

In the meantime? Have your friends over. You may or may not enjoy the BBQ. I found there were times I had to just excuse myself for a bit, pull myself together, and come back with a "smile" on my face. BUT!!! It DOES get easier.

How bout this for an answer:

"We decided that after x number of years that we needed a change in life."

The kids are entrenched in this community in a million things. Me, Im ready to go this afternoon, and FWW will go when and wherever I say, she said so. We would need to tell the kids why and they are too smart to fool. And this has nothing to do with avoiding prospective contact with OM, this is just a result of the A. More guilt and hurt for my FWW. This things sucks on so many levels is scary.

This one's easy: FWW changed her contact info because she'd been getting tons of junk mail and calls, and she just got sick of them.

Your kids don't know?

[/quote]Your kids don't know? [/quote]

They do. They know mommy had innapropriate relationship with OM, who they know very well. Didnt get into length of time and real details but they know my hurt and we have discussed their feelings and they are in therapy of their own. We have talked about missing OM's family and how sometimes good people make mistakes that affect innocent people like them and its important as family to forgive and be sad sometimes. Just wish I could take that advice.

Yes, I even added that FWW changed her email to a more professional one for the resumes she sending out. We said we all got new numbers for new plan we are on. Which made people shake their head because porting phone numbe'rs to new phones has been happening for years. Whatever. Were good on this issue.