AO'd today.

She cried.

I cried. Told her I have no control over it. I dont.

Started the AD meds today. Please even me out soon.

I cant hurt her like Im doing. Im doing more damage to her and she is already damaged. Breaking my promise not to do it.

I apologized but she, again, understood.

Love bank withdrawal. Recovery starts again tomorrrow.

This sucks.

Mike,

I used to do that too ( the AO). I remember how disgusted I was with myself afterward ... I just couldn't help it.

Then I was told a story. If you are pulled over by a cop and charged with something ridiculous that you didn't do ... would you blow up at the cop? No, you wouldn't. You CAN control it.

It's a process Mike to retrain how you react. And it takes time.

I used to count the days that I went without an AO ( like an alcoholic and his last drink). Every time I had an AO I had to start over at day one and it pissed me off. Eventually I got to the point where I could control it because I was determined not to start back at day one again. But it took a lot of effort to get there.

It's really hard being dealt the blow you were and anger is the normal reaction. Do better tomorrow and after. Apologize with no "buts".

Your actions will eventually convince her to end her attempts at repairing the marriage. You know that.

The type of behavior you are exhibiting - the loss of self-control, and the subsequent "I feel so bad about it but just can't control myself" disclaimer - would not be acceptable in a twelve-year-old.

Several years ago I carelessly knocked over and broke a particularly favorite vase of my wife's. She immediately launched into the "...late Aunt Sheila.....from Holland.....hand-made.....imported.....one-of-a-kind......" verbal beating about my sloppy action. Finally, I looked at her and said, "Assuming I already feel pretty shi++y about breaking it, and can't be made to feel any worse, do you have anything else to say?" She stopped.

You might want to keep that sentiment in mind.

Also read this page from this site:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

NG-

It was said Ben Franklin or Einstein who once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

This wasnt a broken vase, though, this was our marriage vows, our commitment, our family, our life she broke so I get lattitude to for a bit more time to vent my grief to her. For how long, is a good question.

I take no pleasure but I dont have other way to say what I feel like I need to say. And what I need to say is ugly, demeaning, degrading, upsetting, and misrable. And completely unnecessary because its been said already and she knows precisely how hurt I am. Whats the good then? None.

Im sick.

No, Hils, I wasnt really happy, but I told her dozen of times about my unhappiness and even thought of leaving more than once. She could have said at any point her happiness was coming from elsewhere. I begged her for affection and to be with her for years. I did and stuck around because Im not selfish enough to destroy my kids life. But, now Im being told to overlook my FWW selfishness and be a better husband. I WAS A GOOD HUSBAND.

This is actually the basis of todays AO. She could have said she's happy elesewhere but kept me around like a tool in the shed. Then it turned real ugly.

Ok, so for tomorrow no AOs. Ok?

We get where you're coming from--that she shouldn't "get away" with this and it isn't fair for you to be the one asking for forgiveness, or whatever, but that's how it is sometimes.

If you can get through this, you guys can get better such that neither of you are keeping score. But the dynamic will change so often in the meantime and that's just the way it goes. So, just tell yourself that you won't get mad (in front of her) on Friday. Take it hour by hour if you have too.

Next week will hopefully be a little better, and the week after that a little better as well. Before you know it, months will be past and you'll be in a better place. This is all pretty recent, it just takes time and I know how cavalier that sounds.

Mike,

I am 6 months in from last Dday, NC letter etc, so it's still pretty raw some days.

I write the ugly stuff because I know that it's hardly helpful to keep AOing and it's not the way to repair anything.
On the first Dday 5 years ago I was on that day planning to tell him I was leaving I was so miserable, on the 2nd Dday I was going, out the door enough.

Both times I stayed, and things do get better, but he is also very clear that there will not be a third.

I write lots and lots, I write all the ugly stuff, to him, to her and then I close the journal, make a cup of tea and breathe. It's helpful, who knows one day he may even see it.

Giving your wife all the nasties are not going to help you or her. Write, write and write, get it out of your system and focus on today, going forward and maybe even use the old...if you hve nothing good to say, say nothing.

I feel for you but from someone who has been there, wanted to recover and sought ways to do that, if the marriage is what you want, then you have to work at it, this way helps no one.

If you want something to live you pay attention to it. If you want something to die you don't pay attention to it.

Pay attention to the things you want honey.

NG-
I need to tell that this line has made my day and I laugh everytime I think of it. I had to even show my FWW and she laughed. At a time of a lot crying, we needed this laugh despite the underlying topic being not so funny.


I know I made the better choice of staying and bellying up to the crapola buffet and keeping my kids as sane as possible.

I think my WW is with me. I really do. And, if she is going to have an even bigger repsonse to me if I stop the AO BS, and she sees Im on board with the love and foregiveness the poop may taste less poopish someday.

Mike
That brought a smile to my face too, NG has an interesting way of describing his thoughts............
I think the important words here is that all us BS's are all choosing with OUR OWN VOLITION to work on our marriage, ugly and all.......
If we chose it for ourselves then we have to give it our best effort for US.......It is choice..........we could walk, sometimes I think it would be easier.........
But we continue to love the person we have always loved and that seems right for US...................
jessi

Actually, I'd be bursting-my-buttons proud if your
FWW saw and validated my "bigger spoon" reference.
HUMOR is good, of course, but it was INSIGHT I was
reaching for!

NG-

She saw the spoon reference and got the point 100%. She said we are both mired in this poop. No just me. I told her yesterday I was exhibiting some pretty severe depression symptons from what I would guess they'd be and she got hysterical when I was thinking of going to a hospital. I told her Id give the AD the 4-6 wks the doc said it could take.

She has been awesome despite carrying a guilt I wish on nobody. And seeing me degrade to the emotional level Im living with now is scaring the hell out of her. But Im loving her in between bouts of fury and depression and she sees that.

Hey Mike, just curious but have you thought about a polygraph?

This is what helps me from AO's. Knowing that I risk the potential of becoming exactly what she accused me of during the A. Self control.. retrain yourself.

Buy a punching bag. I did. When i felt it coming on I went and beat the bag until my knuckles were bloody.

No, not something Im worried about right now. Shes done everything Ive asked for so far regarding the disconnect. Im watching like a hawk her every move. If I felt for a second she was out looking for him or vice versa, id pounce. Not something im overly concerned about. I dont want more details about their past. I got all i need.

Moving on together is all she has said. And, she has the choice to go any way she wants.

Mike, this is a mile-marker! Write it down as progress!

Angry Outburst = Temporary Insanity. We say and do things we wouldn't normally do. Mike needs to SMILE
You are trying to hard to FIX this and make sense of it. I did the same things.
Before you can expect to move forward you have to quit looking in the rear view mirror. Easier said than done.
I will say again I see the distraught in your post, get some real meds and quit trying to cover a gunshot wound with a bandaid. Hospital? Do you mean a mental facility? If so I implore you to again see your MD.

"Before you can expect to move forward you have to quit looking in the rear view mirror. Easier said than done."

thank you for this!

@chickadee1 I am glad I could help in a small way @Mike I hope it helps you get through just TODAY.

But, sometimes, like this morning going to pickup bagels, the past starts to creep up on you like an 18 wheeler semi truck going 80 and you're doing 30. Took a walk after and cant say Im doing much better but I have to proceed with the day.

Didnt AO. She walked with me and in calm tones I told what was bothering me and of course it was stuff she feels she went over already and I said not really, because question get speicfic. I told her I reallly dont want the answers as much as I dont want to ask. I already told her and all of you I got alll I need to know, but sometimes I need more.

They were together a lot of this period of time. It male jealousy at is finest. I told her that this morning. How do I get past it? Another guy having my wife what could be a tremendous amounth of times.?

I can get passed the nice meals and things he got her, they were a means to end for him, it the end Im freaked over.

On a good note, Im down 7.5 pounds. Saw the doc yesterday to talk about meds. Im 3 days into the AD so I have some time before the "magic" happens. We had a nice time with a lot people last night and drank heavily. First time I think my wife has seen me somewhat normal happy. So drinking is something I may need to step up? Kidding.

Today is another day.