Here's what I expect will happen. I will ignore them all, obviously. My family and friends will ignore WH. WH will ignore me and my family and friends. Ex-friends will ignore me (but will sit at their table, eyeballing me and gossiping about me and my friends and family). SIL and MIL (if she can make it) will speak to WH, but will have to go to his side of the room to do it. Everyone will pretty much stay in neutral corners.

But I ALWAYS like to be prepared for any contingency. I'm a planner.

This is such a load of drama for a preschool graduation. I HATE it.

I only suggested smiling at WH because DrH actually says that you should be polite to your WH while in Plan B. I can't remember the exact link, and I need to get the kiddos off to bed, but I know that I have seen a quote about it somewhere.

This is already going to be too drama filled and I wouldn't suggest that you have much interaction with WH. It IS a lot of drama. It's also what feeds affairs. That is why the best choice would be to not go, but the decision is yours. I am helping you prepare for the best Plan B outcome you can.

So, have you given any thought to the after effects? I am telling you, there will be some.

It will be a rough few days after. You will also reset your recovery clock back to zero. You may experience withdrawals etc again. Prepare k sweetie?

I am very worried about the after effects.

The weekends WH had the kids, I called to talk to them. My IM had already asked a time when I could call and told him to have DS5 answer the phone, which he did, but a couple of times I could hear him -- very faintly -- talking to whichever DS wasn't on the phone with me in the background. Ugh. The last time I was supposed to call, I had my IM send a text simply saying I would not be calling that day. The entire reason why I didn't call was to not even risk having to hear his voice distantly in the background. Luckily, I was going to see my kids the next day and I had talked to them the day before, so I didn't feel too bad about not calling them.

Last weekend was bad because he was out there attacking me and trying to get me to share the blame for his behavior and word of it came back to me. I am still reeling a little from it. I am dreading what this graduation is going to do to me. My therapist and I talked about this at length and she helped me come up with my exit strategy. She also gave me some visualization exercises to help me weather this. (Sounds cheesy, but it works.) And luckily I have a therapy appointment the next day. And later that next day is also DS5's first appointment with his therapist (who I have met with twice already -- did I mention this at all?). Hopefully that will all help, but I don't think it will be enough.

I'm still worried. It's been almost two months and I've been feeling better and now I'm going to take this blow to my recovery.

Look Hyacinth. YOU LOOK GREAT at the graduation and simply walk around with a pleasant look on your face.

YOU are there FOR THE KIDS not for the antics of wh. I know it's tempting to get sucked back in seeing him there but TELL your friends and family to surround you so literally they can block you somewhat from him.

Don't worry what others say. The ones who say negative things are simply and never have been, true friends or loving relatives or friends of the marriage. So don't worry about them. Give THEM a show by you looking fabulous and not reacting to them. Just walk around BEING THERE 100 PERCENT in spirit for the kids only and BE THE MOM.

YOU BE THE MOM at that graduation. I had to go thru this too. It was hard. But I was resolute.

If wh approaches you, you say, "I won't interact with you right now and ever until you end the destructive affair destroying the family and marriage and hurting our children."

Walk away and hold your head high. YOU ARE THEIR MOM. YOU ARE THE ONE THERE FOR THEM

I vote you ask another person to drive you and possibly leave wit you should you get stressed.
I know you don't want to take even a mild tranquilizer, which would help quell some anxiety but you shouldn't be driving. You will be too distracted by your thoughts.
Remember he is your husband and you love(d) him and though you are not going to engage with him, be polite if he approaches you and do not lovebust. Do not engage with banter or any other contact other than polite removal of self form banter.
Look 'good' too.

Hyacinth,

DO NOT LET THIS DAY BECOME ABOUT THE WS and any interaction or drama between you.

LET THIS DAY be ABOUT THE KIDS ONLY.

But yea, still look smokin' hot at the graduation

Preschool graduation was today. It went great. For some reason, after feeling this week like I was going to fall apart, for the last couple of days I have been feeling absolutely fine. Confident, even. Yesterday, my IM/BFF and I went shopping because I needed something to wear and then her husband gave us the guy's perspective and helped us pick which outfit (he's such a good sport). I looked smokin'. (I also had a haircut this week).

I had a crowd of people with me, including MIL and SIL who seemed a little uncomfortable being with me and my entourage. I had to laugh at that. We all got there early and were seated at our tables before WH or the ex-friends got there. I glimpsed him out of the corner of my eye twice, but did a very good job just averting my eyes from the corner where his table was. After that first quick partial sighting of WH when he first came in (because DS3 yelled "There's gramma!" which made me look up and WH had apparently ran into his mother in the parking lot because they walked in together -- although MIL and SIL sat with my friends and family at my tables), I realized the color of his shirt was different that anyone else's there, which made it easy to keep an eye out for only that color in the edge of my vision so I could look away if I had to. Neither WH or the ex-friends approached my tables or anyone in my entourage at any point, which was kind of what I expected (although like I said, I wanted to be ready for anything). There was no interaction of any kind, except MIL and SIL went over to WH's table to talk to him at some point, I assume.

The ceremony and performance was so cute and DS5 was sort of the leader of all the kids because he's good at memorizing and knew everyone's parts, not just his own. So when other kids forgot their lines, he prompted them. I took tons of pictures and my IM took video.

I feel exhausted, but so far I am not doing too badly emotionally right now. I am glad I went, but also so glad it is over. I was going to type "there should be nothing on the horizon for a while," but that seems like a good way to jinx myself. This is the last week of school and then I am focusing on all the projects I have to do around the house.

By the way, my IM/BFF and I thought this was hilarious. All weekend, we kept saying stuff to each other like "Fishing? I LOVE fishing!" and cracking up. This is going to come in handy some day.

We are on the same time table for Plan B... within days anyway... are you feeling better yet? I just keep feeling worse...

It definitely comes and goes in waves. I'm going to reply to you on your thread. Hang in there.

Mehr, I know that you have your own thread, but I thought that Hyacinth and any other lurkers who read this thread, can learn from it too.

When you are in Plan B, it is a roller coaster. The more "contact" you keep away from you and the more triggers you get rid of, the quicker you will feel better. Thing is, it is different for everyone. And, as MB told me, "Recovery is a marathon not a race." We are all in personal recovery mode.

What you both really need to do is find things to fill up your time and when you find yourself thinking about your WH, you need to get yourself thinking about something else. It takes time. It IS worth it though, I promise.

Hyacinth, I know that you are feeling okay right now, but a crash may come. Hang tight and try to focus on something else and it should be better.

This is probably his emotional reaction to graduation. Yesterday my IM/BFF got an email from him with some questions. A couple about the kids/visitation and a couple about the houses/possessions.

I am posting from my phone because my laptop isn't being very cooperative, so right now I am only asking about the one issue he raised which I don't know what to do about. We previously agreed that we each get the kids on our birthdays and on the relevant Mother's/Father's Day. The email from my IM said "Have you made any arrangement for him to get kids on Father's Day?"

Usually for visitation he picks the kids up at daycare and returns them to friends (and then I go get them). Father's Day presents a unique situation because it's one day only, on a weekend, and people are busy with their own plans. I can't figure out how to exchange kids. I would kind of like to say something like: How do you plan to get and return the kids on Father's Day? I'd like to just dump it on him, but I'm sure what he'll say is he will pick the kids up and drop them off at the house and that they are old enough to walk from his car to the door in osaid ur own driveway by themselves. I do NOT want him thinking it is acceptable to come to the house. That will open a whole new can of worms. He has been suggesting again and again that he can come here to do this or that. If he does it once it will be a slippery slope. He will want to do it all the time if it was "okay" to do once.

If I tell him no, then he will probably ask the ex-friends to exchange kids. I'd he thinks I will have any contact with them, he's mistaken. They are dangerous people.

So I see myself having to shoot down his two suggestions which will make him even more adversarial. Plus I'm ignoring some of his other questions altogether, so he's already going to be angry, reactive and uncooperative.

Brainstorming, everyone?

Can you do that at a relatives' house?

Or maybe have him meet you at church? Have some church friends after the service on FAthers' day walk them out to his vehicle. That way you don't interact with him or see him.

No relatives within 100 miles.

Why not just have him celebrate Fathers Day on his last scheduled visitation BEFORE Fathers Day? You can send your 5 year old with a Fathers Day card. I mean, good grief, this is a guy who abandoned his family for his stinking affair, I wouldn't worry too much about accommodating him. He chose his affair over his kids.

I do see what you're saying and I've been thinking about it. Although it is going to be a major inconvenience, I'm just not comfortable going back on my previous agreement of him having the kids on Father's Day, without a good, specific reason.

Yes, he has abandoned his responsibilities, but if I'm going to use that as a reason for him to not have visitation on Father's Day, then it would be reason for his not having visitation at all. And that is not in the best interests of my kids.

To me it's a matter personal integrity. I try to make choices for myself regardless of the chance of reciprocity in most cases. That way my actions are a reflection of my own character and not a reflection of someone else's.

Still thinking I will should have my IM tell him to let me know "what he plans for exchanging the kids on Father's Day." I'm tired of doing all the thinking and planning for him. If he wants to see them, then he should work something out that is mutually acceptable. Then if he says he's going to do something I deem unacceptable, I can deal with it specifically instead of doing backflips trying to predict from a wide range of options what he's going to do.

I am all for the IM asking if he has made the plans for a neutral exchange procedure for Father's Day.
Let WH brainstorm.
If his plan sucks, then you can suggest one. By sucks, I mean something like "I will come by the family home and get them or.....spend time there....lol".

If the ex-friends are the only choice he has......let him use them. Use being the emphasized word here.

Release control.

Breathe.

Stay out of contact as your main concern for the day.

I am not sure what it has to do with character and integrity to ensure the kids celebrate fathers day with him, but just not on the EXACT day? Does my apparent lack of character and integrity prevent me from comprehending the connection?